Ex Wife with BPD calls me a narcissist

[BT400]

Anyone run into this? 

My ex who is off the charts BPD and has traits of covert narcissism herself, has decided to start a narrative about me (she has many false narratives about me) and say that I am a narcissist.

I did take a look at myself and wonder if any of it was correct. Why not?  But I just don’t see it and nor do those around me.

Just seems like yet another tactic by her to project onto me. Has anyone ended here encountered this?

[findthewayhome]

This is very common. I have been called a narcissist, I had a private session with the couples therapist. She told me I was 100% not as I was asking questions, and taking responsibilities for things I did wrong. She said a narcissist will not take responsibility, or question themselves. They are always right. Their truth is the absolute truth. Which ironically or not is how my wife is..

Remember accusations can be confessions with BPD/NPD.

[BT400]

Ahhh, thank you for responding. Definitely feels like projecting her internal attributes onto me. “Accusations can be confessions….” Is a  perfect way of putting it!!!

[ChooseHappiness]

I haven't been called a narcissist (yet), but I've been called emotionally abusive, a neglectful parent, etc. In general, my xwBPD likes to accuse me of all the things she has been over the years. I guess it's that whole projection thing.

I think most people here probably ask themselves if maybe they have BPD/NPD -- and the act of asking themselves that likely rules it out.

Sorry you're having to go through this.

[jaded7]

Anyone run into this? 

My ex who is off the charts BPD and has traits of covert narcissism herself, has decided to start a narrative about me (she has many false narratives about me) and say that I am a narcissist.

I did take a look at myself and wonder if any of it was correct. Why not?  But I just don’t see it and nor do those around me.

Just seems like yet another tactic by her to project onto me. Has anyone ended here encountered this?

You may have, without knowing it, hit one of the most common things in BPD/NPD relationships! My bet is almost everyone here has experienced this kind of projection. As somebody said above, accusations are confessions. It is SO HARD to wrap your brain around.

I'll give you an example that I've tried to wrap my head around. At 11am the day before going camping with my ex, on one of the two afternoons I had off during the week, I called my ex and told her I wanted to go do the grocery shopping for our camping trip. I knew she had a list of foods she liked to bring camping (it was mentioned in passing once, and I was kinda pleased with myself to for remembering it...and excited to do this for her and show her the love I had for her to remember this detail)

Her response, immediate and very angry, yelling :"you don't want to go grocery shopping! you're just trying to cover your a*s!!"

In no way, shape, or form was I trying to cover my a*s. I had no inkling or thought that I needed to cover my a*s. What had I done that required me to?

After much thought, I realized that the concept of 'covering one's a*s' was on HER mind, was part of HER thinking. Perhaps SHE would try to cover her a*s with a false offer of help or assistance when she didn't really want to do something. Or, she expected that all other people do that because of victim thinking that everyone is out to take advantage of her??

Yes, calling the person a narcissist is very, very common. I experienced that same thing with respect to her ex...he was the narcissist, he was the abuser. My therapist made it very clear to me that I'm not a narcissist, and that HER words and behavior were very consistent with someone with BPD/NPD.

[Augustine]

I didn’t so much as run into it as it ground into me like grousers on the tracks of a Caterpillar.

It was so incongruous that it was like she was doing a read-through as Martha in Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf.

There’s no denying that her internal narrative was a perpetually looped film of The Perils of Pauline, with me as the maniacally laughing moustachioed villain tying her to a set of railway tracks.

Yes, it’s such a common feature that it’s absence is would make me second guess a great many things.

[BT400]

Thank you everyone for your responses!!  It feels better just knowing that I’m not alone and that this is clearly extremely common. Had no idea but I do now!!

She is absolutely projecting. And yep, I’ve been called, abusive, cruel, neglectful to her and our child, and so on. She’s even said I have magical thinking. Which I found out is an NPD thing. And I was like “wait, she’s the one with these traits…..”. Kind of a Mind F that she does these things.

I took an NPD quiz (not a medical diagnosis of course but it gives an idea) and nope, lowest range of it. I took the BPD quiz too for fun and same thing.

She is incredibly abusive and manipulative and exhausting. And our daughter is now showing these traits..Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries!!!!!!

[kells76]

How does she tell you these things? I.e., via email, phone call, text, in person...?

Email was my H's kids' mom's preferred method, followed by in person and text. Phone calls basically never happened. Occasionally we would hear things about ourselves from others, and it seemed likely that Mom had talked to those people.

Minimizing your exposure to the wacky things she says could be helpful for reclaiming some peace in your life. Some members have friends or family screen incoming communications and filter out anything not related to the kids.

[BT400]

I have to totally minimize communication. I keep it to text.

[jaded7]

Thank you everyone for your responses!!  It feels better just knowing that I’m not alone and that this is clearly extremely common. Had no idea but I do now!!

She is absolutely projecting. And yep, I’ve been called, abusive, cruel, neglectful to her and our child, and so on. She’s even said I have magical thinking. Which I found out is an NPD thing. And I was like “wait, she’s the one with these traits…..”. Kind of a Mind F that she does these things.

I took an NPD quiz (not a medical diagnosis of course but it gives an idea) and nope, lowest range of it. I took the BPD quiz too for fun and same thing.

She is incredibly abusive and manipulative and exhausting. And our daughter is now showing these traits..Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries!!!!!!

Glad the validation is helpful. Like you, I took an NPD and BPD quiz, asked my therapist if I was either...and she specializes in narcissistic abuse. Of course she said no, you are very high in emotional IQ. We all wonder if it is us, both because of the crazy making and the accusations. Another bullseye hit on your part!

Magical thinking is as well, something I was accused of out of the blue. Her best friend is an astrologer, and she mocked me having The Secret book (I was just curious during its run in the headlines).

Kells mentions the reliance on email above, and that was my ex's preferred method of really getting at me too. And her ex-h as well. She loved to sit and craft and carefully argued and highly delusional account of things, and all the ways I wronged her.

[once removed]

a few things to touch on here.

it is an urban legend that if you ask yourself if you have BPD or NPD, that it is an indicator that you dont have it.

people with personality disorders, like most people, are capable of introspection (to varying degrees of course), capable of recognizing that they have struggled emotionally and in relationships for their entire lives, and recognizing that something might be wrong.

think about it. if the diagnosable werent capable of asking themselves these things, how would they ever be diagnosed?

the second is that 50% of romantic partners of someone with a personality disorder have one themselves. men that date women with bpd traits, overwhelmingly, present narcissistic/codependent traits.

if youre on here asking yourself, it really behooves you to explore, and not outright dismiss the idea, because it can color, and speak to, the relationships we choose, remain in, struggle with. relationships with friends may not always be the best comparison or indicator; by design, they are less complex, less stressful, less fraught with all the difficulties that can happen behind closed doors in a romantic relationship. very much like how BPD traits may go entirely unnoticed in most aspects of a persons life, but be more obvious to those that are close, and especially in times of stress. romantic relationships test us, stress us, and our issues mix together, in ways that even life long friendships may not.

lastly, narcissism is probably the most thrown around, and least understood/most poorly understood mental health term in the world right now. it is very easy to glance at a list of symptoms (the DSM recommends against this) and diagnose anyone you are in conflict with, as acting entitled, lacking empathy, being grandiose, etc, and everyone in the world is doing it. so, an ex throwing it at you is not a very reliable indicator of anything other than a broken relationship, intractable conflict, and a person with a lot of resentment. this is indeed incredibly common. i probably see someone on social media calling an ex a narcissist 5 times a day.

two people in a broken relationship, or one that has ended, seeing hypocrisy and other undesirable characteristics in each other, and leveling "youre the one with the problem", is not the same thing as projection. its more like two people fighting with each other saying "youre the narcissist", "no YOURE the narcissist", "no YOU are". take narcissism, or whatever insult out of the equation, and you just have one or both parties offloading blame on the other.

thats what youre dealing with, OP. a continuation of the relationship conflict. the charges themselves arent very important (at least not anymore), are her perception, and represent her coping with it.

for that reason, and the fact that youve discussed it with a professional, the idea that you are "a narcissist" is probably not one thats worth putting much stock in. at the same time, i would discourage you from "it isnt me, its her thats the problem" thinking; that in itself is a way of coping, and doesnt teach us anything we can actually learn and use in future relationships. a dysfunctional relationship does not exist without two people contributing and taking part in it. if you dont want a repeat, make that your focus, ignore the rest.

[BT400]

Insightful post. Thank you.

Agreed that just b/c I’m open to wondering if NPD or other personality disorder traits are part of who I am—that this is not a clear answer that I don’t have these traits. And definitely agreed that I have my part in ending up with a romantic partner that has these challenging personality traits. I’ve come to realize my part in things and have done a lot of work on myself. I left her over 10 years ago so it’s been a journey. Because I have a child with her it allows her to keep seeking fuel. Which is exhausting and hurtful at times and a major Mind F at tines. And yep, narcissism is thrown around all the time these days and incorrectly so.

B/c of my own issues, I found this person alluring for a reason and participated and am responsible for my part. It doesn’t mean I’m deserving of how I was treated or continue to be treated. But I have to be honest and take responsibility for my part for committing to e relationship with her and having a child.

For me, I was not in a healthy place when I engaged in the relationship. I’ve had self esteem issues,, insecurities, feeling less than, co dependency stuff. Not healthy things for a romantic relationship or having healthy intimacy. Or daily living. And it felt good, selfishly, to help someone I thought needed it. That’s on me. And it made me a good target for her too. And my partner played the damsel in distress really well too. Not a healthy mix. And I played a part.

“Rescuing” someone can be indicative of narcissistic traits or at least some similar/overlapping. I don’t believe that I am narcissistic and have been told by professionals that I’m not. But it doesn’t mean that I haven’t had unhealthy traits or even narcissistic qualities. There were reasons why we were attracted to each other.

From my end, I have done a ton of work on myself over the last 10 years and especially over the last 5 years. I have gained a ton of awareness and practicing being healthier spiritually, emotionally, mentally, and physically. And I’ve learned to love myself and feel worthy and to seek healthy qualities in myself and my relationships. I don’t damaged. I seek healthy and am worthy of it.. And thank goodness for that. And I am grateful for it. .

It does suck to still have to deal with this person and their traits and their constant lashing out. It’s hard at times. But I can practice acceptance, forgiveness, and detached love and work on those daily.

[jaded7]

B/c of my own issues, I found this person alluring for a reason and participated and am responsible for my part. It doesn’t mean I’m deserving of how I was treated or continue to be treated. But I have to be honest and take responsibility for my part for committing to e relationship with her and having a child.

For me, I was not in a healthy place when I engaged in the relationship. I’ve had self esteem issues,, insecurities, feeling less than, co dependency stuff. Not healthy things for a romantic relationship or having healthy intimacy. Or daily living. And it felt good, selfishly, to help someone I thought needed it. That’s on me. And it made me a good target for her too. And my partner played the damsel in distress really well too. Not a healthy mix. And I played a part.

Thanks for that OnceRemoved. Yes indeed, one should be careful about that trope of 'if you ask yourself if you are the BPD/NPD then you aren't'. And narcissism is thrown around a whole lot these days, so much that it is losing it's meaning.

And yes, I (I'll speak for myself here) absolutely, 100% allowed things that I should not have. And therefore that is my responsibility. And I should seek to understand why I was like that. Luckily, I wasn't accused of being abusive or a narcissist by my ex...but still I wanted to ask my therapist about it. In the end, for me, it was attachment issues and the sexual abuse in my childhood that contributed to me not be able to properly set boundaries, being afraid of losing her, etc.

BT400...I was in the same place, I wanted to help her and make her life better for her, and yes...it made me feel good to do that for her. She seemed so fragile and vulnerable. I'm still working through how much of that feeling good to support her and love her is codependency. I think to myself that when you love somebody you want to support them and make them feel safe.