>I don't know what I am doing wrong

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hey there.
I have been with my girlfriend for almost two years now. She started exhibiting symptoms of bpd sometime last year and we are trying to work through it. She often gets upset at me for things that I find unreasonable. I.E. Being upset that I asked her to scoot towards the middle of our king sized bed because I was hanging off of the edge. (This happened last night and she is still upset with me.) I don't want to leave I want to work things out. My mental health is taking a decline as I don't know what sets her off, and she doesn't have these reactions with anyone else. It has to be me or something that I am doing/not doing but no matter how many times I try to talk about it, I rarely come out with an ounce of clarity. It's getting really difficult to apologize for things that I have no idea would cause a fight. I don't know if she wants to be with me still, if she is looking for things to fight about, or if I just don't understand the disorder in general. If anyone has advice on how to handle when your partner with BPD is upset with you, reasonable or unreasonable, I would greatly appreciate it. I love her more than the stars love the sky, or the sun loves the moon and the thought of losing her kills me.

[GreentreeMimnoq]

Hey there.
I have been with my girlfriend for almost two years now. She started exhibiting symptoms of bpd sometime last year and we are trying to work through it. She often gets upset at me for things that I find unreasonable. I.E. Being upset that I asked her to scoot towards the middle of our king sized bed because I was hanging off of the edge. (This happened last night and she is still upset with me.) I don't want to leave I want to work things out. My mental health is taking a decline as I don't know what sets her off, and she doesn't have these reactions with anyone else. It has to be me or something that I am doing/not doing but no matter how many times I try to talk about it, I rarely come out with an ounce of clarity. It's getting really difficult to apologize for things that I have no idea would cause a fight. I don't know if she wants to be with me still, if she is looking for things to fight about, or if I just don't understand the disorder in general. If anyone has advice on how to handle when your partner with BPD is upset with you, reasonable or unreasonable, I would greatly appreciate it. I love her more than the stars love the sky, or the sun loves the moon and the thought of losing her kills me.

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[Pook075]

Hi Green Tree and welcome!  I'm so sorry you're going through this.

Let's start with a one minute BPD crash course.  When emotions run high in either direction, it's easy for a fear of abandonment to kick in and cause all kinds of chaos.  Imagine being scared of something that you can't deal with, but you're 10x more terrified to speak your truth.  That's where your partner is coming from and what drives all the head-scratching moments.  It's not the words she's saying as much as it is the hidden feelings that are spiraling out of control.

So what do you do?

In a nutshell, ignore the words and focus on the emotions behind them.  Picture an infant that's screaming...what do you do since they can't tell you what they need?  You comfort, you soothe, you help the infant relax and feel loved.  Then the high emotions fade. 

When your partner is in that type of state, you don't argue, or explain, or justify, or defend...you comfort and get back to a stable place of trust.  Then you can have a conversation about what happened.  But not before.  Why?  Because when someone with BPD is feeling abandoned or unloved, they tend to rely heavily on emotions...much like a child.  So you give love and affirmation up front, soothe that negative stuff away, and then it turns into a very different day.

This is counter-intuitive and all of us get it very wrong in these relationships.  So don't worry about messing up or saying the wrong thing, it's not about that.  It's simply about avoiding the arguments and focusing on being loving, nurturing, and validating when things start to go south.

One last thing- if you argue...even when something completely ridiculous or wrong is said...that only intensifies the BPD's emotions because it's validating their worst fears...that you really don't love them or understand them.  That's where these relationships go wrong; you think you're arguing over space in the bed while she's arguing over how you don't want to sleep around her, you don't love her, and how she's such a huge burden. 

It's not logical at all, it's an emotional response that's very unhealthy.  That's why we focus on the emotion to get to the real problems.  I hope that helps!

[CoChuck]

Hi Green Tree and welcome!  I'm so sorry you're going through this.


When your partner is in that type of state, you don't argue, or explain, or justify, or defend...you comfort and get back to a stable place of trust.  Then you can have a conversation about what happened.  But not before.  Why?  Because when someone with BPD is feeling abandoned or unloved, they tend to rely heavily on emotions...much like a child.  So you give love and affirmation up front, soothe that negative stuff away, and then it turns into a very different day.

This is counter-intuitive and all of us get it very wrong in these relationships.  So don't worry about messing up or saying the wrong thing, it's not about that.  It's simply about avoiding the arguments and focusing on being loving, nurturing, and validating when things start to go south.

One last thing- if you argue...even when something completely ridiculous or wrong is said...that only intensifies the BPD's emotions because it's validating their worst fears...that you really don't love them or understand them.  That's where these relationships go wrong; you think you're arguing over space in the bed while she's arguing over how you don't want to sleep around her, you don't love her, and how she's such a huge burden. 

It's not logical at all, it's an emotional response that's very unhealthy.  That's why we focus on the emotion to get to the real problems.  I hope that helps!

Do we all get it wrong? I know I do, but your words, Pook, are spot on. I think you get it right most of the time.

You describe my pwBPD in your description. If I had only known these things 35 years ago, I think my history with my partner would be less turbulent. We are very close, when I have not slipped, triggering her worst fear, even after 35 years. 

During the smooth times, times I am diffusing the daily jabs or attacks, I stop visiting this board. I need to make this part of my routine. During the peaceful time, I think, how could I even think she is a pwBPD, look at how well we are getting along. Well, I can think it...because it's true! Reading what you wrote describes my wife exactly. In need to respond in a way that honors my limits while being reassuring her I love her.

This reassurance is the great challenge. In typical relationships substantial time in a loving partnership is sufficient. With people like my wife, everyday I must prove my love. Even though "I've done this for 35 years now" she says, "but that doesn't mean it will happen today." We, the partners, have tremendous power, we must use it properly.

[once removed]

During the smooth times, times I am diffusing the daily jabs or attacks, I stop visiting this board. I need to make this part of my routine.

times of calm are some of the most important times to get support, rather than just putting out fires, theyre the time to build and reinforce the environment these relationships need to thrive.

She often gets upset at me for things that I find unreasonable.

people with bpd traits are highly sensitive people. this is a feature, not a bug; a hallmark of loving someone with bpd traits.

they are easily upset, easily slighted, easily wounded. they react disproportionately.

My mental health is taking a decline as I don't know what sets her off, and she doesn't have these reactions with anyone else. It has to be me or something that I am doing/not doing

it may be something youre doing (its not like our loved ones are never upset with us for a reason). it may be something youre doing that shes overreacting to. it may be something youre not doing. it may be that shes stressed (people with bpd traits dont react well to stress) and it takes less to set her off at a given time.

i think the important thing is to know that high sensitivity, and a tendency to react disproportionately (even if the response is justified), are probably a part of her, like the built in things about us that we all bring to relationships. its important, in any relationship, to be mindful of our loved ones sensitivities, but its also important not to let our lives revolve around them, or to walk on eggshells.

in other words, her "getting upset with you for things that you find unreasonable" is probably going to happen. ideally, as you strengthen your relationship, it may happen less often, or when it does happen, it may be diffused more quickly, or not be made worse.

it will be made worse if your mental health is crashing, if youre always walking on eggshells, or you take up a permanent defensive posture. these relationships are "special needs" relationships. they require a lot of strength, for us to be at our best, and for us to be able to navigate and roll with the punches, so to speak. you can be mindful of your loved ones tendencies and sensitivities, and you can develop the skills here to better navigate them, but in doing so, youll find that its necessary to balance those things with living and loving authentically.

[Pook075]

Do we all get it wrong? I know I do, but your words, Pook, are spot on. I think you get it right most of the time.

I've known my daughter had BPD for 10+ years now, so I had plenty of time to get it wrong consistently.  Didn't see it coming with my now ex-wife though because it presented so differently.  For 24 years I was clueless. This site really helped me zoom in on the patterns that I couldn't understand.

The main thing, the only thing really, is to lead with empathy and love.  Everything else tends to work itself out once you create an environment to build trust and grow closer.

[CoChuck]

I've known my daughter had BPD for 10+ years now, so I had plenty of time to get it wrong consistently.  Didn't see it coming with my now ex-wife though because it presented so differently.  For 24 years I was clueless. This site really helped me zoom in on the patterns that I couldn't understand.

The main thing, the only thing really, is to lead with empathy and love.  Everything else tends to work itself out once you create an environment to build trust and grow closer.

Parenting is much much easier when it is your child who has BPD. Treating my wife with such caution, in the face of further criticism is quite difficult.

Keep doing what you are doing. You daughter is lucky to have you.

[Elvis42]

Pook075,
  Your one minute BPD crash course, was exactly how I feel when dealing with my wife having an episode. I've always said to myself it is like dealing with a 4 year old. Unfortunately, I have not learned the correct reaction or lack thereof, yet. So the adventure moves forward.

[Pook075]

Pook075,
  Your one minute BPD crash course, was exactly how I feel when dealing with my wife having an episode. I've always said to myself it is like dealing with a 4 year old. Unfortunately, I have not learned the correct reaction or lack thereof, yet. So the adventure moves forward.

Put yourself in her shoes; she's upset because she's unloved or misunderstood.  How would that feel?  What would you want from the other person?

Now think of a time when you've felt misunderstood and someone else completely misread the situation. For instance, my favorite sports team lost and people are laughing about it at work, even though they weren't sports fans. I got angry and had to bite my tongue because they were pushing all the wrong buttons, LOL.

Anyway, that's how people with BPD feel when they try to communicate (poorly, in most cases) and we invalidate.  It's not about the perfect answers or the ideal strategies, it's about recognizing that they're off and comforting them...hopefully before the blowout stuff.  Or if it does go to extremes, helping them calm down so an actual conversation can take place.

When we fail to do that, their fear of abandonment put them in a fight or flight response mode and all bets are off on what will come next.  Some of us have worked around that for years, or even decades, without realizing the powder keg that was brewing....which is why we're all here in the first place.  We unintentionally invalidated 100's or even 1,000's of times.

Regular communication and validating feelings helps to reverse that cycle and stabilize the relationship.  It's not easy all the time but it is possible, it's just going to be a work in progress for all of us. 

I still get it wrong often, but that's okay because I'll now recognize it and have a chance to make things right.  Make sense?

[Elvis42]

Pook075,
  Yes, it makes sense......:-)