Help me understand BPD

[AnnihilatedHeart]

Hey I’m new to the concept of BPD. But my husband (I don’t know if I call him my ex yet? We’re separated…) has had it suggested by his Counseller that he might have BOD.. Sometimes, I’ve thought he’s a narcissist, but he tortures himself for anything he does that he knows hurt me. That’s not narc behaviour right? We’ve been married 11 years, together 13 years. He was so incredibly loving and attentive when we were dating. So thoughtful. We connected deeply and talked about everything - absolutely everything. It was incredible. I’d never bonded with anyone like I did with him and I’d never felt as loved. Then once I slept with him, which he obsessively wanted, though I wanted to take things very slowly, he got cool and distant. It was an immediate complete overnight shift. He used to clean his house and get himself looking and smelling amazing before I came over. But after sleeping with him once, he now didn’t get out of his trackies, and was always drinking beer and gaming when I came over. I was crushed. I had a shaky sense of self worth which was still gaining strength when I met him, as I had been through some pretty big griefs. He knew all this, but didn’t seem to care. I remember shortly after sleeping with him, he got me to strip naked and turn in a circle for him while he looked at everything. It was strange, like being a cow examined before sale. He nodded and said good, then walked out. I couldn’t work out what was going on or what he wanted. It felt like he wasn’t stressed anymore and that he perceived that he now owned or possessed me or something? I don’t know! That was the vibe. I was so confused by the switch, I kept thinking I’d done something wrong to cause this complete change in our relationship, and that I just had to figure it out and change. When I bought my concerns up, he immediately changed and connected and tried again, which I thought was a healthy sign. We got married. I booked our honeymoon- 10 days at this gorgeous little retreat with lots of activities we both enjoyed. When he found out, he went into a complete tail spin, because 10 days was an unheard of length for a honeymoon and his family were going to be on holidays at that time and he’d miss out on being at the caravan park with them. I was again completely bewildered. I couldn’t understand why he didn’t want to spend a week and a half with the person he was committing to for the rest of his life! I was gutted and feeling a lot of pain and confusion. I offered to shorten it, but when he saw I was grieved, he snapped out of his anger and started saying how selfish he was and how he couldn’t wait to be with me and how he just gets bored on family holidays anyway. This was more confusing. I couldn’t understand what was happening. We went on the 10 day honeymoon and I had come prepared. He complained a lot about my lack of sexy underwear. So I got my friends to help me and we bought a bunch of great stuff. He complained that I wasn’t confident, and that I never wore sexy things for him, so I swallowed my nerves, and walked out in these things for his sake. He completely ignored me and played on his phone. I waited for ages, then gave up and laid on the bed to read. When he finally did look, he said nothing, and went back to what he was doing. Eventually I just got dressed and we went out for a walk. I felt too confused and embarrassed to ask why he’d responded like that. So I tried to just move on and enjoy what we could enjoy. When we did have sex, he seemed to be getting pleasure out of thinking about how he must look doing what he was doing. He didn’t seem to really notice or see me. It felt more like I was some prop in the fantasy in his head about his own awesomeness. I never orgasmed. I didn’t fake one either. He didn’t notice. I was again, so confused. I wasn’t experienced with men and I didn’t know if this was how things were supposed to be? I didn’t know why I got up feeling used, flat and empty. Unseen and unknown despite the physical act associated with deep intimacy - truely seeing and being seen, knowing and being known. I got drunk after that. When the pain in my chest started, I just drank with him and sat in the spa and laughed at his weird antics, and chose to drown out the noise of my heart. I didn’t have words for any of this. Just painful feelings that I was sure were wrong or invalid. I told myself that all this was just new, and time would make me more experienced and able to understand him. After all, everyone said men and women didn’t think alike, and I didn’t want to be misunderstanding his heart or motivation while I was still learning what a man was. We went to our first home together after the honeymoon. He was cool, distant, uninterested. He got out stacks of movies, watched them back to back, and only worked 2 days a week. I was studying and working. We were extremely poor, but I told myself it would get better once I had my degree. He was very lazy, and saw his money as his. We’d walk to the shops together, and he’d buy himself a coffee with me beside him without acknowledging me at all.He knew every detail of my coffee orders, how often in the day I drink them. He’d carefully studied every detail about me so I had felt so extremely seen and loved. Now that we were married, he acted like I didn’t exist. This was so bizarre as the start of our relationship, he’d always think of me? I was again thinking I must have done something wrong to cause him to suddenly have no interest or feeling toward me, and to now not even consider if I’d like a coffee when I’m right here. I had our first baby. I was in hospital then home all within one day, but had torn quite badly when baby came out and had a lot of stitches. I couldn’t sit up using my stomach muscles they were also in agony. My husband became frantic that night for oral sex. He was shoving himself in my face though I was struggling to even move and had given birth 4 hours earlier. But he was completely desperately consumed with wanting this - to the point he was close to forcing it. I relented. It was awful. All other sex bored him. He avoided it like the plague. He only wanted to be served. He would film it then sit in the bedroom masturbating, and tell me to get out, even when I’d asked him if we could please please have sex, as it had been months for me without sex that actually involved me. After two years, I separated from him. He’d started disappearing for days at a time, completely uncontactable. I never knew where he was or what he was doing. One morning at 6am, he stumbled in eyes wide teeth grinding, and beside himself with fear that I’d leave him. I  had my baby in the room and was frightened that he’d do something irrational so I said lots of calming words and tried to make him laugh, while my heart was pounding out of my chest. He looked like a really scary stranger. He kept saying he couldn’t feel loved unless I gave him oral sex as then he knew there was nothing in it for me (he’d said this our whole relationship). Full of fear for me and my daughter, but acting loving and playfu so he wouldn’t spiral and do something dangerous, I did what he asked. When he left a bit later, I packed my things, scrubbed the whole house, put on a roast chicken for him, and wrote a letter about how dearly I loved him, but that our daughter and I couldn’t live with him while he was using drugs. And I drive 3 hours to my parents and stayed with them. I didn’t answer his calls. He spiralled hard. He read the first sentence of the letter then threw it away and went on a meth bender. His mum said I was possessed with the spirit of the antichrist and I’d come to destroy their family, and that I was a disloyal wife. After a month, he went away on a camp with a drug rehabilitation group. He had a radical change, gave up all his addictions, sobered up, ate healthy, sorted out his life, and began writing me weekly handwritten letters as I wasn't doing phone calls. He confessed to doing meth while we were engaged, and sleeping with another woman while he was drunk one night. I thought I would die from how badly this hurt. But I forgave him and over time(2 years)  the wound healed. He was in regular counselling, deeply repentant, owning his crap, choosing really healthy choices, and pursuing me so lovingly again. So we had a few dates, then very slowly got back together again 4 months after that. Things went well. We got pregnant with our second child. Little by little, the old symptoms returned.He started ignoring me, obsessing with his phone or jobs outside, or disappearing for whole days fishing, or playing golf and constantly just leaving me with the kids while he pursued all his  hobbies and interests. Again, I felt worthless. This time, I had some close friends in my life. They noticed his behaviour and said how it wasn’t healthy. When he realised they were saying these things, he spiralled again, constantly saying how untrustworthy they all were and how he hated them (though he’d loved them prior to this), drinking himself to oblivion, disappearing at all hours, uncontactable agan. One night he invited 2 addict friends over to our house without checking with me. They were loud, unboundaried men who were very unsafe. Last time, one of them drunkenly burst into the room where the kids and I were staying and lay on top of my 3 year old daughter, laughing and making jokes about killing Jews as he wore a real nazi jacket he’d bought on eBay. When I found out he’d invited them again, I told him the kids and I would be sleeping at my parent’s house then, as they weren’t safe to have around children. This sent him into a complete meltdown. He was terrified of us leaving. But I took the kids and drove away. That night, they all got high and the visitin men invited women over from tinder (I found out months later). When I came home, i was being quite firm now. I wasn’t shifting from my request that he stop all his addictive behaviours, no matter what he said or how he tried to move my emotions. This sent him wild with fear. We took the kids to the playground, and he said that  he was going to kill himself. I pulled my phone out and pretended to dial 000. He asked what I was doing and I said I was just going to call an ambulance, because in my studies at uni, I’d learned  you’ve got to take suicide threats seriously. He then panicked even more saying not to call and that he wasn’t going to kill himself. In that moment it really sunk in how much his behaviour was engineered to make me behave in a way that made him feel sure I belonged to him and would meet his needs. My reasonable boundaries were causing an incredible over reaction.We got home and he kept yelling for me to come to our bedroom. He was still spiralling as I hadn’t bought into the suicide threat so he was still feeling like he had to get me back on his team somehow - like me not believing his threat meant he wasn’t able to control my decisions which seemed to terrify him. Because of the strange way he was yelling, I very calmly asked him to come to me if he wanted to talk, so he just started sobbing hysterically! I hadn’t seen him like this. It was really unnerving and scary. It felt like pure chaos swirling around. Soon after, I left again, carefully explaining all my reasons while one of his good mates sat with us to prevent a scary meltdown. As I was explaining my reasons, and the boundaries I was putting in, he swore at me, got up, and ran out the front door then left. So I left him the note to read later. His mate was shocked. No one had seen this side of him. After a year of total separation, and an accountability group he had to use to text me about anything practical like visiting the kids, I’d seen that he’d been consistly clean, looking after himself, taking care of little things for me without boasting about it on the accountability group (like getting me firewood when he saw mine was low) and little indicators that he was showing the kids and I love though he had no hope of a future with me. He was seeing apsychoogist and an addiction Counseller weekly, and was providing us with child support despite his very low salary job. I asked 6 people - all professionals who had walked alongside either of us during this separation, what their thoughts were about his mental state and if they thought it was safe to reunify. Everyone said yes. We were all blown away by the peace he carried, and he didn’t seem to need to talk so much. He was happy, even without me. He seemed to have truly healed. It felt like a miracle. We got back together. It was amazing. Like being married to complete stranger. I had to get to know this new man! He was stable and thoughtful and secure and capable. It blew me away. For the next 5 years, we continued getting monthly counselling just to be on the safe side. He got asked to become an Associate Pastor at church. He helped head  up pastoral care. I was a school Counseller. We’d walked through so much, learned so much, and finally we were out the other side, helping others move out of similar stuff. Then he started his own business. It was thriving. He got too busy for his job at the church and let it go. I didn’t want him to burn out. Then he started having to go away a lot for rural fencing jobs. Big gigs. They often took 3 weeks at a time. We had our 3rd baby. When my husband was home, he was always in the shed working til late. I knew there were sacrifices involved with starting a business so I supported as best I could by taking care of everything else. He stopped eating dinner with us. He told me we ate too early just leave it out for him. When we’d all gone to bed, he’d come in from the shed and eat. He wouldn’t come to bed til I was long asleep. He was smoking again. And he started having a few light beers. Then a few too many. Then spirits.I hated it. I was frightened of where it would all lead. He constantly talked about how much I traumatised him by leaving last time and how it wasn’t the right way to go about things and how he still couldn’t trust me because of that, and that it was unsafe to be honest with me because I’d just abandon him again. After a year of persevering and trying to just love him through, his lies got exposed, and the story trickled out over a few months. He went from pastoring the church, to dealing and using meth for the entire last year. While my back was so crippled I often had to crawl and had the side of the cot removed so I could reach the baby from the floor, he said I couldn’t get physio because we had no money. My tooth rotted away completely. He said we had no money for the dentist. Later I found out he made over $200k profit, plus tons of cash profit from drug sales, but all money had been used in compulsive spending and drugs. He was this honest humble man who lead a church group in our home on Thursday nights, and prayed for people, then he went to a total different life as a dealer and meth addict hanging with people I’d never met who became his closest friends apparently, who supplied him with the drugs he sold and used. I had no clue. He got so skinny but I’d never seen him work so hard so that’s what I put it down too. Now the truth’s come out. We tried to work it out, but I had to have emergency surgery, and when I got home, I couldn’t lift the baby or do washing or driving for 6 weeks. My husband lasted 2 days taking care of me and the baby then got too overwhelmed and left. He hit the drugs hard for 6 weeks til my recovery was over, then asked to come home. I told him he needed rehab. We were homeless, staying at my parent’s. He showed up and was completely unstable, sobbing hysterically, then oversharing with the kids and laughing strangely. He’s apparently going to rehab now. I think it’s truly over for us. I can’t imagine a future where I could trust him not to repeat this, though the good years were ❤️‍

[AnnihilatedHeart]

That was cathartic, just laying it all out in sequential order. What a bloody essay. Sorry

[Kashi]

I not even going to read all that.   I read most of it.   

Firstly, you think of yourself as the most beautiful woman in the world and expect to be treated as such.

It doesn't matter what you look like, how you dress, what you do for work, how smart you are, how you wear your hair.

You should be treated for how beautiful you are inside, for what's in your heart, for your thoughts. 

I am a female and gay.  I would NEVER EVER say to my partner, I want you to wear this. EVER. 

I would never say this is how I want you to be sexually, this is what you need to wear for me to find you appealing.

EVER it's degrading.  Why would I want to make someone I love feel like they aren't enough the way they are.

Intimacy is best when it is an unspoken negotiation of how two people want that to roll out.  Intuition. At times yes you have to kind of be more vocal about what you don't like or like and where boundaries are.  Hopefully you just never need to but sometimes you do.

It sounds to me like he isn't equipped in that way at all.  It sounds like he is massively insecure and putting that on you.

Forget what his mental state is.   That isn't a person who should be having a relationship.  He doesn't have a clue.

 Not being flippant to your situation,  but if that is a pwBPD they one hell of a lazy BPD.  They usually put more effort in than that.

Personally, if I was you, I would start to think about you.  I would suggest to start to look at yourself in a different way.  I would suggest to start to say to yourself I deserve much more.  I would suggest you start to look inside yourself and find all the good things you like about yourself.  Start to use them to build an image of yourself.  One that says I have value.  I am beautiful.  I deserve to be loved. I am enough for the right person who will see who I am and love me for who I am. 

I would even bother looking for answers about him.   I don't care what mental illness he has.  As a man he is not up to the mark of even being decent human. 

He is a pit of nowhere and he is dragging you in.   Every time you try and crawl out of the pit he will pull you in.  He will put people around him that keep him there and he will stay there. 

Climb out of the pit and don't let him you back into the mud.

[Kashi]

Sorry if that sounded harsh.

Reading that really upset me. 

Honestly

You are flesh and blood, with heart and feelings, you hurt, you cry, you laugh

People like this who just ruin someone else's life because they can't cope with their own minds and are weak

Then there are people on the other end like you.   Who have been told they are not worthy.

He has been doing that from day one with his actions.

I'm upset for you.  I didn't mean to come across as maybe as harsh as it sounded.  I don't know.

Focus on changing your mindset about yourself.   Because that dude has been brainwashing you.

I have no idea what kind of therapists said you should be with him.  Mind boggling.

[seekingtheway]

Hello Anhialiated, just wanted to let you know I read your story and I really feel for you. You've been through such a journey with this man, and you've invested so much, and put so much faith and trust in him, and he's let you down so many times.

Regardless of BPD, it sounds like your husband is straight-down abusive, and there have been times where he's tried to turn it around because he doesn't want to lose you, his family, and wants to be a better man, but he hasn't won the battle in terms of turning his patterns and ways around. It's a life-long commitment once these behaviours are so deeply entrenched. If stress comes and he spirals, old patterns and habits return... similar to an alcoholic... it sounds like he needs to be in treatment for a number of years, and not give up on it in order to keep any semblance of health.

I read a book recently that was really helpful to me in terms of recognising abusive behaviour, and how it spirals over time, and what happens in these dynamics to keep you stuck and focused on their needs. It's called 'Why does he do that' written by Lundy Bancroft.  You can read a free PDF version online if you felt like it. It might help you to see the patterns that have been at play in your relationship and why they exist.

I can't say anything in terms of whether he has BPD - maybe others here will have more insight. Certainly there are things you've said that do signify a very unwell, unstable person who is abusive and secretive. And there's a chance he will always fall into those ways when stress arises. It's very sad and I'm sorry that it's gone this way after all the hard work you both put into turning things around.

The other thing I noticed from your post is that you eventually found your voice and set some boundaries... concentrating on that might be helpful for now. Just looking after yourself and protecting yourself so you can heal...

[jaded7]

Just letting you know I read your story, and I'm glad it felt cathartic. It helps to write it all out sometimes, and then we can go back and read it with fresh eyes in the future.

I was treated very badly by my ex too in the sexual realm. Felt degraded, denied, attacked, used. It's an awful feeling and I saw some of the same things in your post, right down to the types of underwear I wore and her mocking me

It's super painful, look through the threads here there are other posts about this type of sexual objectification and disrespect.

You didn't deserve this, nobody does.