Wild Swings

[Kashi]

Hi

I seem to be going ok sometimes then I hit a big low. 

It's like the horrible just floods in and I can't stop it.  I'm not exactly sure what triggers it but something does.

I know it's a mindset I need to change but I don't know how. 

I do a job where people have to come to me to fix issues and in that I have realized they dump their anger on me, their stress, they angst and start demanding.  I had one guy who was so angry with me, where I was actually trying to sort his issues and he swore at me.  Before I knew it, I had delivered him one hell of a serve back.  I realized I had my ex piling on issues which never go away.  Solve one and she would have another one and it never ever stopped.  Everything becomes a massive issue.  One after the other and fixations that last months or even years.  I had her and the people I work with for years doing this to me.

I was so patient, tolerant, and now I am not.   It takes so much effort to stay calm, positive while you are being called negative.  Solving everyone's problems around me.   I know I get paid for that but not to be abused.  Not to deal with other people's stress.  I say something to these people about it and they can easily escalate that to higher level.

They call me on my holidays or weekends.  It's like everyone owns me.

Like people are oblivious to my existence.   I serve a purpose and that's all.

I feel my ex took part of me.   I don't even know who I am anymore.  She likes the same things I like.   Who liked them first I can't remember anymore. 

'Where the hell is love for me, kindness, support, tenderness, and who listens to my needs.   I got a fake who lied to me for years.  For that I was treated like a bit of trash.  I protected this person with my love and they abused that in the most despicable way. 

It's a mix of anger, deep hurt like people can't imagine.  Only people like you. 

It's like they find what your dreams are, make you believe they can give it then when they run out of reasons why they can't they blow your dreams up.  You uncovered their lie, and I think they are so ashamed they go out of their way to hate you so they can feel better about the brutality of their lies, because they are incredibly weak people.  They don't like weakness. 

Now I have to create new dreams.  I feel I can't create the same dreams that were destroyed.

If that makes sense.   I have to create a new way of life.   A new me.

I am not young anymore.  This is way harder than it would have been years ago.  I can't bounce back that quickly anymore and I don't have time to.   I need it to move faster. 

[Tobiasfunke]

Yup. I could have written this. All I can offer you is go talk to a therapist. I’m 10 years out. I didn’t go talk to anyone outside of the 1 marriage counseling session and I still have a lot of these feelings.

No point on fixating on their issues at this point. Time to focus on yourself.

[Augustine]

It’s perfectly understandable.

Being exposed to BPD means being forced into a dichotomy, or a splitting of a whole into two parts that are mutually exclusive.

Reconciling the two elements isn’t possible for someone of a sound mind, which is where you and I presently reside.

BPD has no problems with dichotomies, as it resides between neurosis and psychosis.

In the months following the end of my relationship, my waking experiences were overlaid by my memories of betrayals that could never be reconciled, or comprehended. At best, they could be explained, or contextualized, but this wasn’t an emotional salve.

We’ve experienced betrayal trauma, and it’s going to take some time to set the universe back into equilibrium again.

Yes, you and I are now irrevocably changed, but simply because this new version of yourself is unfamiliar doesn’t necessarily mean that it’s disadvantageous. As the old saying goes, “Man cannot remake himself without suffering, for he is both the sculpture and the sculptor.”

I hope you will excuse the pedestrian analogy, but it’s pertinent.

I was once exceptionally fit, capable of tremendous physical feats. Being physically indomitable was a defining characteristic.

Unfortunately, I suffered a shoulder injury almost five years ago so debilitating that I was in almost constant pain afterwards, and my life and responsibilities all-but excluded having an operation to repair the damage.

I had always been noted for my physical fitness, and hiking, running, climbing, mountaineering, weightlifting, were just normal facets of my life.

…and then they were all gone, along with my sense of self, and my physical and mental health went into a steep decline.

After researching surgical options, I was dismayed to discover that surgery often made the condition far worse, and as my pain was becoming so excruciating that I rarely slept well, I had to find my own answers, and own path.

This is where things become analogous…

It emerged, Kashi, that I had inadvertently formed habits decades ago that eventually led directly to my injury. I had adapted to doing exercises incorrectly, and over a great deal of time, reality inevitably caught up to me.

I had to relearn everything, and whereas I was once accustomed to doing shoulder presses with 110lb dumbbells, I had to start again just by being able to raise my arm directly above my head…and it was extremely painful.

A year ago, I would never have believed that I would be able to do a pull-up ever again. I’ll never forget the moment when it happened. Just doing one pull-up again was a greater achievement than all those physical feats I accomplished in the past, because that one pull-up (despite being very painful) gave me the courage to continue, and I really had to work hard for it.

I’m haven’t quite attained my former physical stature yet, but it’s getting closer every day. That one pull-up led to four a few days later. A week later, I was up to ten. Still painful, but not as painful as before. You can see where I’m going with this.

I’m 57, Kashi. When I ended my relationship last year, the only things I took with me was whatever would fit into a small, carry-on backpack, and headed for the airport. Just what I needed, and nothing else.

It’s been the most excruciatingly painful year of my life, but just as with my shoulder, life is becoming progressively better.

…but I had to make huge adjustments, and leave myself open to different interpretations.

[Kashi]

Thanks for that post.  I will read it a few times.

Right now, I am out of words.