Newbie seeking support

[LittleRedBarn]

Hi - I'm new here and badly in need of support.

Just over a year ago, my husband made a serious suicide attempt. He was hospitalized for two months and then had six weeks of IOP. We got lucky because he was treated at one of the top DBT clinics in the US. His initial diagnosis was BPD but his final diagnosis was 'unspecified personality disorder'. I'm guessing this is because he also has NPD traits. Neither of us had any idea that he had a mental health disorder before then.

Since then, he has been doing really well. We had both become very isolated after he retired, but he now volunteers for three different organizations and is starting to build new friendships. He is also having weekly therapy sessions and we both attended a 12-week online DBT Family Skills training course which was very helpful. He has also tapered off all his medication and has been discharged by his psychiatrist. All this is great news.

Meanwhile, my life is a wreck. Three months after his suicide attempt, I was arrested and charged with coercing him into committing suicide (I didn't). I wish I could go into details but my attorneys have said that I mustn't say anything to anyone while the court case is still pending. The court also imposed a Protective Order, forbidding me to have any contact with my husband apart from virtual contact. I moved out of the family home into a friend's basement because I was undergoing chemotherapy at the time, for breast cancer. I subsequently had a double mastectomy. Once I had recovered from the surgery, I moved into an apartment about half an hour away. This was in March this year. Oh, and my children (2 boys, aged 34 and 33) are no longer talking to me, and I can no longer see my grandchildren as a result. It's a total mess.

As part of the court proceedings, I have had two in-depth psychiatric analyses, both of which show that I have no sociopathic or psychopathic tendencies, and no evidence of selfishness or manipulative behavior. The reports state that my husband's behavior around the time of his attempted suicide consisted of 'manipulation on a daily basis that meets the criteria for verbal and emotional abuse'. My husband's own therapist has said that my husband put me in an impossible position during the period leading up to his suicide attempt.

The reason for this post is that last week the court modified the conditions of the Protective Order to a 'residential stayaway'. This means that my husband and I can start to have normal contact, apart from the fact that I am not allowed to go back to the family home. At the same time, my attorney informed me that I will almost certainly come out of this with a felony conviction. The only good news is that I should get a suspended sentence so hopefully I won't have to go to jail. But the conviction will follow me for the rest of my life.

I have a choice now about whether to try to rebuild this relationship or not. I'm really scared of going back to how I felt before my husband's suicide attempt - by which I mean all the things that Randi Kreger describes as 'non-BP responses to borderline behaviour': bewilderment, loss of self-esteem, feeling trapped and helpless, withdrawal, guilt and shame, isolation, hyper-vigilance and physical illness, adopting BPD-like thoughts and feelings, and co-dependence.

I have been trying to use the time apart to look deeply at how I got myself to this place. I have been having weekly therapy and I have read everything I can find online about co-dependency and BPD. I have also read "Walking on Eggshells" and Marsha Linehan's autobiography. I can see how, over the years, I have enabled my husband's dysfunctional behavior - unknowingly, and with the best of intentions, as I'm sure is true of most partners of people with undiagnosed BPD.

I'm hoping that my year's worth of therapy and introspection will help me to avoid going back to how we were before. I'm also hoping to reconnect with all the things that I love about my husband, and to rediscover the reasons why I fell in love with him in the first place. When he is not triggered, he is passionate, intelligent, enthusiastic, and great fun to be around. But even if I can succeed in all that, how am I going to avoid feeling resentful when I am bearing the consequences of his actions in such a major way - by having a felony conviction for the rest of my life? Apart from speeding tickets, I have never broken the law and this is devastating to me. I'm finding it very hard to see how I can let this go. And if I can't let it go,  I don't see how we can make the relationship work.

I feel that I have shielded him from the consequences of his behavior for too long now, and a felony conviction, for *his* suicide attempt, feels like one time too many.

To whoever reads this - thank you for listening. I'm not asking for answers, but it has helped to write it down.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[LittleRedBarn]

I made my first post here around ten days ago and have not yet received any comments or replies. I can see that I am not the only person in this position, and I'm wondering why this happens, in a forum that is aimed to give support. It takes a lot of courage for someone living with a person with BPD to open up about the problems in their lives, and to see that people have read the post but  not commented or offered support can feel like a rejection or, worse still, a judgement. I'm sure it's not intended as such, but I'm also sure that I'm not the only person here to feel this way.

Reading the other initial posts, I can see that the problems people are experiencing can seem overwhelming, and it's hard to know what to say. But a simple, "I've read your post, and my heart goes out to you. I can see what a difficult position you are in and we are here for you" would make all the difference to someone who is struggling to keep their head above water.

What is the policy here for replying to first posts? Could one of the moderators step here and talk about what new members should expect?

[kells76]

Hello LittleRedBarn and

It can be a double hurt when we so want feedback on our situation, but it takes a long time. I'm sorry you experienced that here -- I know what it's like 

Like so much in life, sometimes the "plusses" of the format of this group can also be the "minuses": there are no minimum post frequency rules, no "attendance requirements", and it's anonymous. That brings both a lot of privacy and flexibility, but sometimes big lulls in group activity.

Often, too, members can be hesitant to offer advice if they feel "too new" -- sometimes they feel like "I just joined here, what could I have to offer?" or "I don't want to make things worse by offering bad suggestions!" Or, they may feel overwhelmed by their own challenges. I can say that I've been posting less, lately, because we're going through a CPS investigation. I know you know what it's like to have legal involvement when a PD is involved; so stressful and overwhelming.

All that to say -- you haven't been forgotten.

...

Reflecting on your first post, I'd be curious to learn how long you and your H have been together?

You mention having two kids (S34 & S33); is your H their father? Just asking to get a better picture of the family dynamics.

Tell me a little more about your attorney. Is that the only attorney you've worked with? Did you interview any others? Or, is s/he a court-appointed attorney?

Not all attorneys have experience with high conflict situations like ours. Generally, you are allowed to change attorneys if you want to -- they work for you and you are their boss. (That doesn't mean you'll get the outcome you want; it does mean that different attorneys have different strengths/intensities).

It may be in your best interest to at least do an initial interview/consultation with a couple of other lawyers in your area. If my L was telling me I'd come out of this with a felony, I'd want at minimum a second opinion. It could be money very well spent.

...

You mention working in therapy for a year -- are you continuing, or has it come to an end?

...

Fill us in on how things have been going, whenever works best for you;

kells76

[Tangled mangled]

In addition to what Kells has said I’m sorry it’s taken long to respond to your post.

I noticed you are on the bettering boards and would note that members may be reluctant to participate because as the name implies you have posted here because you are hoping to better the relationship between you and your partner with bpd.
 Due to the nature of what’s been shared it’s difficult to advise on the way forward with bettering your relationship so here’s my 2 cents:

Sounds like you are in the middle of an ordeal. For one I cannot imagine how you went through cancer and got wrongfully accused of something so evil at thesame time. These are life events that separately would devastate the strongest of persons but going through both in a short period is earth shattering.

What I read in your first post seems to me like you got set up and it was an extreme case of smear campaign against you. Sounds like you were ill with cancer and your husband’s abandonment trauma got triggered and instead of being supportive to you he chose to attack you- and the accusations are his way of justifying the attack. He had to be the victim not you ( even though you were the real victim).

My mum who’s someone with bpd once accused my brothers wife of being impregnated by someone else at a time when my sister in law had just lost her twin babies- she made up a story that my cousin confessed to being the father of the late twin babies. This is how far pwbpd would go- inhuman and heartless.

You have truly being through one of the worst cases of this kind of abuse.
I really hope that you find a way to heal and that your attorney will get you the best possible outcome.

[LittleRedBarn]

Hi Kells 76

Thank you so much for your thoughtful reply, and also for explaining why posts sometimes get 'missed' here. Hopefully when I've found my feet, I might get confident enough to reply to some posts myself and share some experiences that might help others. It would be good to feel that I'm giving back.

To answer your questions, my husband and I have been married for ten years, and lived together for three years before that. We are both on second marriages and my two sons are from my previous marriage. My husband has two adult children from his own previous marriage but is estranged from them. They both blame me for the break-up of their parents' marriage. When he was committed following his suicide attempt, the hospital contacted them and they told the hospital that I was controlling and manipulative, that they believed that their father was in an abusive relationship and that I had coerced him into killing himself. The hospital immediately refused to let me have any contact with him, and when I was later arrested the court served a no-contact protective order against me. His brother and sister have also sent information to the police, saying that I wanted him dead (I really didn't!). He now has no contact with his family as a result of their involvement in this, but they have done a lot of damage.

Regarding attorneys, I've been told that I have one of the best criminal defense attorneys in my area - he is highly experienced and very well-regarded and I am confident that I am getting good advice. He is not a court-appointed lawyer. He doesn't know much about BPD but I am making it my mission to educate him. I have also been interviewed by two highly regarded psychiatrists, who have confirmed that there was no evidence of manipulation or control on my part.They did not interview my husband, so they could not offer a diagnosis, but they did say that his behavior towards me met the criteria for verbal and psychological abuse.

I need to be careful how much I say because, if this goes to trial, my computer could be seized and these posts could be read. So I'm sorry that I can't go into too much detail. It's all horrible, horrible mess.

And yes, I am still in therapy. I am with a psychoanalyst, which has been very helpful in my understanding some aspects of my childhood and how they have fed into my current situation. I have found out that I am conflict averse, especially within intimate relationships. I tend to bottle up my feelings and don't express them well. I also have a strong drive towards people-pleasing and an equally strong fear of failure. Apparently all this makes me at high risk of co-dependency. So I'm working on boundaries, and how to express what I'm thinking and feeling in an appropriate way.

I do sometimes wonder whether having a therapist who really understands the effect on partners of being with someone with BPD might be more helpful and validating for me. My analyst is very good at uncovering deep thoughts and feelings, but not so strong on practical ways to navigate a relationship with someone with BPD. But I've done a DBT Family Skills course, which was immensely helpful, and am working my way through some of the resources on this site, so hopefully I can educate myself. The most powerful tool that I have come across so far is validation. I saw it working just last week and I'll try and post something about the incident later, in case it can help others here.

The good news is that my husband is *almost* accepting of his BPD diagnosis, is committed to therapy (for now) and is expressing a strong desire to practice both acceptance and change, as part of his DBT therapy. I'm hoping this is genuine and heartfelt and not just a way of keeping me in the relationship, given what we have both been through.

Thanks for reading/listening. I'm not sure that anyone can offer me any advice in my situation, but just knowing there is someone out there who cares means a lot.

[LittleRedBarn]

Hi Tangled Mangled

Thank you so much for your reply. You will see in my reply to Kells76 that I have definitely been the victim of a smear campaign, primarily by my husband's family. And yes, one of the psychiatrists who interviewed me said that it was likely that my cancer diagnosis tipped my husband over the edge, due to his undiagnosed BPD and fear of abandonment.

I can also see that it might be surprising that I have posted in 'Bettering a Relationship' section of the boards. The reason for this is that, in spite of everything that has happened, I am still hoping that my husband and I can rebuild our marriage. When he is not triggered, he is warm, funny, compassionate, intelligent and seems to have a real heart of gold. I can see now that he has actually deteriorated through our ten years of marriage, and a lot of that is because I have failed to set boundaries, I have avoided conflict and have inadvertently reinforced undesirable behaviors. With a non-BPD person, that wouldn't create a major problem - my first marriage had all those problems too. But couple my vulnerabilities with someone with undiagnosed BPD and the effect is catastrophic.

I can see that it was BOTH of us created our current mess. It wasn't just him, and it wasn't just me. It was the dynamic between us that caused the problem. What I'm really wrestling with is the fact that it looks like I am going to carry the practical, real-life consequences of something that the two of us created. I am the one who will have a criminal record, who will struggle to get credit, find it hard to get a job, or rent an apartment. It would make it very hard for me to create a life on my own. If I choose to go back into the relationship when the protective order is lifted, I want it to be a free choice, and not because I think it's too hard for me to live alone as a convicted felon. I also don't want to go back into the relationship resenting him for the fact that he doesn't have to bear these consequences, and I do.

I googled 'anger in the face of injustice' and found this video. I feel exactly like that monkey!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=meiU6TxysCg