Third failed relationship

[NPD/BPD Magnet]

I was the family scapegoat of a narcissistic mother and a covert narcissist father. It’s taken me over 50 years to process what happened to me. Last year I married for the second time, and to “save” the marriage I was persuaded by my wife to have counselling. This began in January. By June I felt it wasn’t working. Then in July after another series of deeply intrusive and highly controlling behaviour I nearly ended the marriage and finally opened up with my therapist. My wife’s behaviour reminded me of my childhood in particular. Treading on eggshells, not knowing what I’d be told off for this time. I decided to write her a letter to explain how I felt and how her controlling behaviour was affecting me and that unless it stopped I would leave the marriage. I summary I said: from now on you regulate yourself and I will regulate myself. My wife wasn’t happy with this and responded: so you don’t have to change but I do? She really couldn’t grasp how that simply confirmed her uncontrollable desire to control or micro-manage me.
Two months later we booked two holidays. She persuaded me to use my Amex card to pay. I reminded her that we’d agreed that she would contribute a third. When we reached the deadline for payment, she made excuse after excuse and would not pay. So I set a boundary: if you don’t pay me what you owe, I will not go. So on the day of the holiday she went with out me. Leaving me a a state of high anxiety. But by then enough was enough and I made plans to end the marriage. I was especially concerned about her financial abuse, which I fear will simply get worse.
Since then my therapist, after examining how my wife and I got together and the dramas of our on off relationship, has suggested that I married someone with BPD. Oddly a slight relief because I feared she might have NPD!
Since my first marriage broke up after 24 years, we grew apart but remain good friends, I’ve dated one narcissist and seemingly two women with BPD. The latter are uncannily similar people, even though they come from very different worlds.
Clearly I have this problem in attracting and being attracted to mentally unwell people. But it’s so unnerving and, to be honest, embarrassing! I’m hoping that my ongoing weekly therapy will give me the insight to see the red flags in future and build proper boundaries - I’m a terrible people pleaser in my personal life (I was nothing like that in business).
The latest is the my wife is 1. Trying to emotionally blackmail me into not listening to my solicitor regarding any financial settlement; 2. That my therapist is being led by me given my strong personality; 3. She is trying to control the narrative by smearing my character with her calling me a narcissist (oddly the previous person with BPD did the same when I broke it off with her)!
It’s exhausting! But I feel I have no option but to stick to my course and steer clear of dating for good!
Any thoughts gratefully received!

[PeteWitsend]

You don't have to avoid dating for good... you just need to learn when to commit and when to walk away. 

Don't accept excuses for abusive behavior, or promises to change.  Just walk away.  You know the  now, or should.  Work on that. 

I don't think you need to over-analyze behavior, or psychoanalyze everything that happens in a relationship; nobody's perfect, and it's normal to disagree and even argue, without it being a sign of a behavioral disorder on one's part, but you should take some time to consider and establish your own boundaries of what you will and won't accept.  And if these are crossed, be prepared to end it. 

There's really no substitute for getting to know someone well, and seeing how they behave once they feel comfortable dropping their facade.  The key is to avoid LIVING with them, or MARRYING them before that point in time, so if/when you see how they're going to behave, you can just end it with a call, and not need to consult an attorney...

[Clearmind]

It certainly sounds like your needs were not met as a child. A child's needs are basic however a healthy attachment is super important. Hugs to you because I experienced the same.

Clearly I have this problem in attracting and being attracted to mentally unwell people. But it’s so unnerving and, to be honest, embarrassing!

It is unnerving but honestly, you have reached that stage that you are aware. Much like AA, you are no longer in denial.

She is trying to control the narrative by smearing my character with her calling me a narcissist (oddly the previous person with BPD did the same when I broke it off with her)!

I am 15 years out of my relationship and now married with 2 kids. I have a wonder relationship so don’t lose hope.
I am also a recovering altruistic narcissist – I no longer see it as a dirty word but its worth exploring.
Altruistic narcissism is when someone seems really selfless and caring, but their motives might be a bit more about wanting recognition or validation. They do kind things or help out, which can genuinely benefit others, but there’s often a part of them that’s looking for that feel-good boost for themselves too. It’s like they want to support others, but there’s also a desire to feel appreciated or admired in the process, which can make things a little complicated.

I think my tendency toward altruistic narcissism might come from my childhood experiences. I often felt like I received love and approval mainly through my achievements or acts of kindness, which made me equate helping others with feeling valued. I also realized that I sometimes focused on others' needs to gain attention, and I grew up with role models who sought validation through their good deeds. Plus, my perfectionism and fear of rejection have driven me to engage in selfless acts more for admiration than genuine compassion.

My Dad was an alcoholic so I was seen but not heard. My mother was a classic enabler - the stress she was under managing my father hindered her ability to provide a supportive and nurturing environment for my brother and I.

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It sounds like you're exploring the idea of being drawn to intense relationships, particularly those with emotional highs and lows, which can often be found with partners who have traits associated with BPD. Our attraction might stem from familiar patterns, especially if we grew up in an emotionally charged environment, making such dynamics feel comforting—until they’re not. This often fulfils the familiar story we tell ourselves about not being good enough.

Many people seek deep connections and validation, and the intensity of these relationships can provide a sense of excitement or fulfilment, even if they’re ultimately unstable. There’s often a fear of abandonment at play too, leading individuals to cling to tumultuous relationships rather than risk being alone. Reflecting on what you’re really seeking in these connections can help clarify whether they serve your well-being or perpetuate cycles that are hard to break.

Book Recommendation
The Journey from Abandonment to Healing: Turn the End of a Relationship into the Beginning of a New Life by Susan Anderson

Video explaining Abandonment (Susan Anderson)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-SsDt81M_Mg