Why do I have to be the one to fix things?

[Dookinfick70]

So my mini-BPD spouse has split me black again for the last two weeks...no talking, and only emailing about kids and things like that. Still sleeping in same BR in complete silence. Last week I tried to ask how her day went and I got a snippy answer.

Every time we have some kind of problem I am the one who has to come to here to try and patch things up. And by 'patch things up' I mean I have to put up with multiple rejections of my attempts to talk, and then when she agrees to talk I have to listen to litany of her interpretations of my 'nefarious' motives and basically submit to character assassination in general.

Afterwards, things seem to go back to normal, but I still harbor resentment because many times I feel I am apologizing either for things I didn't even do (latest incident) or how she negatively interprets my actions to assume some kind of deviousness on my part. I know I can probably come across as insensitive by being a bit boring and keeping too much to myself, but I certainly don't attack her or even playfully insult her because that may come back to bite me later during one of her 'misinterpretation' rants.

I long ago gave up any hope of her apologizing for anything, ever. I haven't fully accepted this but I don't like conflict very much and want things to be somewhat stable...and I know that makes me an idiot. I say she has mini-BPD because this happens 2-3 times per year, and things are fine otherwise.

I guess my problem is I want an 'easy life'...she's accused me of wanting that. By 'easy life' I mean why drum up drama and stress over things that are small potatoes, when life throws enough stress and drama all on its own?

My question is does it ALWAYS have to be me who tries to start the reconciliation process? If I don't do it, she will eventually starting sending me hateful texts/emails about the stuff I described above...which is not a fun process to go through, but it ends the same way: me either apologizing for what I did/didn't do, or apologizing for not being attentive enough. Is there another way to approach this rather than me putting my heart on the line to deal with rejection of my overtures to even start talking in the first place?

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[usagi]

Hi Dookinfink,

This sounds pretty similar to my experiences.  My partner will seldom admit to any mistakes.  Sometimes I'll get a very generalized "I'm sorry" but then she won't really own anything, she just feels bad.

What I've sort of decided is that when she's "shaking her finger at me" about all the things that I fail at it's really about her trying to communicate some sort of emotion.  Sometimes I can see beyond the language and other times not.

The way I've handled that sort of rejection is not to expect that she'll offer up any ownership of problems in the first place.  I feel like you aren't alone in having this experience.

[Dookinfick70]

So now we're going on three full weeks of not speaking to each other. In the past, in order to resolve things, I had to come to her to talk. This has always resulted in her chewing me out for all of my shortcomings for over an hour, after which she of course feels better.

Me, on the other hand? I feel better that things have become more "normal" and we are talking again, but I have a lot of resentment in the back of my mind about being chewed out. All of my actions are perceived in the worst possible way, as if I sit around and plan devious ways to make her look bad, and that I supposedly have control over how other people perceive her and us.

One of her biggest recurring gripes is that I try to make myself look good by staying on the sidelines and then coming in near the end to thank people for their efforts. This is partly true...because she makes arguments with others much better than I do and doesn't like when I get involved in disputes because I'm "too nice." Then she gets mad when things are resolved and I didn't put up enough of a fight, which makes her look like the bad guy. I can't win.

I put in another threat that the latest blowup occurred because she went into my phone and started looking up young women on Instagram, and left one pic on my phone for when I unlocked it again. I had only installed Instagram the day before to add our child's college page on that app and never even used it before, but she says the picture showed up because "that's what I (me) want." She has done similar things before, such as constantly accusing me of watching porn on my phone (which I never did) and saying she can see everything I do on her own phone...which I don't believe because I know how to look for spyware.

Several years ago she left a lingerie magazine in the bathroom which she would never look at. I asked her if she did that and she said yes because "that's what I (me) want to look at, right?" There's no way to prove her wrong no matter what I say.

So now we're on week 3 of not talking and I don't really want to do anything for Father's Day since she will only do it to make herself look good to others...although she has sabotaged previous Mother's Days by leaving the house for the day so we couldn't take her out anywhere, leaving me to explain to the kids that "mommy isn't feeling well."

[kells76]

In a way, this sounds like an extinction burst of... the silent treatment.

You're right on the money: in the past, you would be the one resolving the silent treatment. Now, you're doing something different, so naturally, she is doubling down on what worked for her in the past, to see if she'll get the same results. Kind of like if the elevator button doesn't work like it did yesterday, you hit it faster and more today.

Your relationship had a pattern where she would rely on the sequence of silent treatment ---> husband approaches and initiates talk ---> she vents and chews you out ---> she feels relief after "emotional vomit"

She would rely on you and your behaviors for emotional self-soothing. That wasn't healthy for her, for you, or the relationship.

Making changes to your pattern will be difficult and uncomfortable, for both of you. Yet it will be healthier for her to flail around for a bit and find a way, on her own, to self soothe.

This won't happen overnight. It might take multiple repetitions. The key will be for you not to, out of discomfort, resentment, fear, anxiety, etc, go back to "I can't handle the tension -- I'll go to her and grit my teeth and take her outburst so we can move on". That would just be communicating "Dookinfick will do the same thing he always did, it'll just take longer".

Another key will be reframing the situation away from one of resentment and imputing motivations, and towards decoupling from her emotions and choices.

Old: "She's trying to punish me by the silent treatment... and it always has to be me taking the hit to get back to normal"

New: "She has low coping skills for emotional regulation. Her not talking to me is the best she can do at the time. That's her thing, not mine. We each get to take time apart when she chooses not to talk. I'm looking forward to a break and doing something I love to do!"

...

So now we're on week 3 of not talking and I don't really want to do anything for Father's Day since she will only do it to make herself look good to others...although she has sabotaged previous Mother's Days by leaving the house for the day so we couldn't take her out anywhere, leaving me to explain to the kids that "mommy isn't feeling well."

What if you decoupled what you wanted to do on Fathers Day from whatever her motivations might be?

What if you did what you wanted, and allowed her to impute whatever she wanted to the situation?

Your experience of Fathers Day gets to be your independent experience. She can do and think and say whatever she wants about it -- that has no impact on the reality of it.

If you want to go to a water park with the kids, for example, you can say "Hey babe, we're doing the water park for Fathers Day! Would love it if you came along -- no pressure." And then allowed her to navigate that however she chose. She might say No, that you're being a selfish guy who only wants to look at women in bathing suits. Does that define your reality? She might say she'd never go, and then at the last minute, show up with ice cream for the kids. You can decide if you want to tell yourself "she's just doing that to make herself look good" [which is allowing her disorder to take the lead and your thoughts to follow] or "who knows why she's doing what she's doing, I'm having a great time with the kids".

Powerful stuff.

Anything seem on target?