Accepting the end

[Purplegiraffe]

Feeling lost at sea.

After having a baby with my ex-pwBPD, half a year in I’m accepting defeat. I was so determined to try and make it work, whether as a couple or co-parents. I’m still having doubts.

Since I moved out while I was pregnant because of the chaos and since our baby was born and he left me at the hospital and temporarily disappeared, it’s been a rollercoaster. He’s been in, out, drunk, sober, I’ve had threats of court, revenge, vicious things said about me and my family, over the top declarations of love and regret... I’ve tried having boundaries, being more lenient, trusting, not trusting, being loving and open and communicative, being guarded and gradual… I really feel I have tried it all and every time a new demand has been made. As he couldn’t be in complete control I just don’t think he would ever have been happy. Maybe he wouldn’t have been happy even if he was?

The last month he seemed to have turned a corner and was sticking to visiting schedules, sober and seemed determined to make amends and rekindle. I was trying not to get my hopes up but I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t become hopeful. There was also quite a lot of pressure from him to let my guard down and show him affection. Then just as I let go and showed a tiny bit of emotion and said I’d be quite open to the idea of rekindling the relationship and being a family, he told me we can never be together, he’s moved on and is with someone new.

I feel like it has all been a game of revenge as he is so convinced I pushed him out (the reality is of course the complete opposite). He has been so nasty since this revelation, I finally decided to stand up to him and for the meantime have ceased contact, and said a third party would need to be present when he saw our baby from now on to prevent me being sucked into any more game playing. He has interpreted that as me saying he’s not allowed to see our baby (he’s informed his family of this) and has made no attempts to arrange a visit. I’ve had a few ‘I miss you’s’ so I’m assuming he’s got his usual amnesia/rewriting of the fall out.

I am somewhere in between hoping he has finally lost interest and leaves me to raise our baby alone, and being annoyed he isn’t trying harder. I don’t know if his controlling nature and instability is the best thing for our child in the long run. I haven’t been in control of my own life for so long, the freedom him losing interest represents is almost overwhelming. And I will miss him. I somehow still feel he’s the only one I want to do this with. I’m sure like many on this site, my head is a complete mess post BPD. I am constantly doubting if I am doing the right thing, but also I don’t think there are any more options of what to do at this point. I just can’t keep putting myself through this anymore. I need my sanity back - I can’t even remember what it feels like.

[tina7868]

Purplegiraffe, my heart goes out to you! To be going through a rollercoaster of emotions, with a baby and sobriety involved, sounds like a tiring mixture. It makes sense that you`d feel lost in all of it. Thank you for sharing your experience with us  .

I am somewhere in between hoping he has finally lost interest and leaves me to raise our baby alone, and being annoyed he isn’t trying harder. I don’t know if his controlling nature and instability is the best thing for our child in the long run. I haven’t been in control of my own life for so long, the freedom him losing interest represents is almost overwhelming. And I will miss him. I somehow still feel he’s the only one I want to do this with. I’m sure like many on this site, my head is a complete mess post BPD. I am constantly doubting if I am doing the right thing, but also I don’t think there are any more options of what to do at this point. I just can’t keep putting myself through this anymore. I need my sanity back - I can’t even remember what it feels like.

It`s okay to feel conflicting emotions. I read in your words difficulty identifying your needs and boundaries. I can relate to this, and indeed after a relationship with a pwBPD it seems to be common to go through this. You do say at the end that you want your sanity back - it is absolutely within your power to make changes that can lead you in a direction where you have control over how you feel.

What do you think is the right direction for you? What is the best kind of help that we can offer your here?

[SinisterComplex]

Feeling lost at sea.

After having a baby with my ex-pwBPD, half a year in I’m accepting defeat. I was so determined to try and make it work, whether as a couple or co-parents. I’m still having doubts.

Since I moved out while I was pregnant because of the chaos and since our baby was born and he left me at the hospital and temporarily disappeared, it’s been a rollercoaster. He’s been in, out, drunk, sober, I’ve had threats of court, revenge, vicious things said about me and my family, over the top declarations of love and regret... I’ve tried having boundaries, being more lenient, trusting, not trusting, being loving and open and communicative, being guarded and gradual… I really feel I have tried it all and every time a new demand has been made. As he couldn’t be in complete control I just don’t think he would ever have been happy. Maybe he wouldn’t have been happy even if he was?

The last month he seemed to have turned a corner and was sticking to visiting schedules, sober and seemed determined to make amends and rekindle. I was trying not to get my hopes up but I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t become hopeful. There was also quite a lot of pressure from him to let my guard down and show him affection. Then just as I let go and showed a tiny bit of emotion and said I’d be quite open to the idea of rekindling the relationship and being a family, he told me we can never be together, he’s moved on and is with someone new.

I feel like it has all been a game of revenge as he is so convinced I pushed him out (the reality is of course the complete opposite). He has been so nasty since this revelation, I finally decided to stand up to him and for the meantime have ceased contact, and said a third party would need to be present when he saw our baby from now on to prevent me being sucked into any more game playing. He has interpreted that as me saying he’s not allowed to see our baby (he’s informed his family of this) and has made no attempts to arrange a visit. I’ve had a few ‘I miss you’s’ so I’m assuming he’s got his usual amnesia/rewriting of the fall out.

I am somewhere in between hoping he has finally lost interest and leaves me to raise our baby alone, and being annoyed he isn’t trying harder. I don’t know if his controlling nature and instability is the best thing for our child in the long run. I haven’t been in control of my own life for so long, the freedom him losing interest represents is almost overwhelming. And I will miss him. I somehow still feel he’s the only one I want to do this with. I’m sure like many on this site, my head is a complete mess post BPD. I am constantly doubting if I am doing the right thing, but also I don’t think there are any more options of what to do at this point. I just can’t keep putting myself through this anymore. I need my sanity back - I can’t even remember what it feels like.

There is a lot to process. Take your time. Step by step, day by day. That is all you can do. There is no magic wand to make things go faster. No shortcuts. However, you do have a phenomenal support network here to help guide through things. Share as much as you want to. Ask as many questions as you need to.

In the meantime please be kind to you and please take care of yourself. We will all be checking in on you during your journey.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-

[Purplegiraffe]

What do you think is the right direction for you? What is the best kind of help that we can offer your here?

Thank you so much. I think I know I have to keep reinforcing the boundary that there has to be a third party (my family member) there when he sees our baby, so I can’t allow him to get in my head. He has so far refused visits unless my family member doesn’t come. And tried to give me the impression he wants to give us ‘one last shot’ - though I suspect this is a hoax to achieve what his goal of getting me on my own. I know he is ashamed also of how much destruction he has caused which is another reason he is not admitting he won’t see the family member.
Ultimately he is pushing and pushing to let me hand him over our baby so he can have her on his own. She’s breastfeeding so this isn’t an option, but even if it was I wouldn’t feel she would be safe as he is so erratic and unstable. It really feels sometimes that she is like a toy to him that he wants to show off, without putting in any of the actual groundwork to being a parent. It also feels like most of his behaviour comes from an inability to be told ‘no’. Every time I have put in a boundary and said no to him on something, he seems to make it his life’s work to manipulate and force me into removing it. It’s exhausting and all about control.

I guess I am looking to better understand his behaviour as I know it will be all too familiar to others on these boards. It feels comforting to share with those who ‘get it’. But I guess I’m also looking for advice on what to do now. The thing I struggle with the most is fully saying in my head ‘it’s over’. If I’m honest there’s still a part of me that wants to ‘save’ him and be there for him. I do love him and I know deep down he is suffering in life and that makes me sad. I know I need to let him go, but it’s so hard when we share a baby and I care about him a lot. I almost feel scared to fully embrace life just me and my baby and leave him to return to his pattern of chaos.

[Purplegiraffe]

Oh - and the other thing I would love to know - I cannot even imagine at this point a world where I feel confident and free enough to meet someone new. It has always been my dream to have a family - mum, dad and kids - and I now feel that dream has been somewhat squashed, but I would love to think there was still someone who could love me and my baby and treat us right. But I just cannot imagine it - a) him ever allowing it, and b) just a scenario where I’d even meet someone new when my life revolves around being a Mum while trying to survive his drama. It sounds so dramatic, but I feel so sad thinking back to the life I wanted for myself, and the life I now have dealing with my ex probably forever. It makes me feel sad for my parents also who are lovely and gave me such a wonderful childhood, and I don’t think ever could have foreseen this. I feel so much guilt for my choices.

Has anyone gone on to find love again post BPD relationship, especially when sharing a child?