Feeling Sad During NC

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I'm mostly writing this as a note to myself.

I'm only at the VERY beginning of NC.  This was much less chaotic than some of my other breakups.  It was almost calm enough that I'm now second-guessing myself - maybe I'm making the wrong decision!

But let's write down some of the things I'm thinking.

Feeling: I miss talking to her every day.
Reality: I went back and looked at some of the back-and-forth timestamps of our calls and messages.  We've been in a fairly intense 6 month relationship.  Almost 95% of the time, the messages and calls were initiated by me.  She always responded, which kept me from seeing the true nature of the relationship.  It felt like a two-way street to me.  But the reality is, I was doing a LOT of the work.  In many ways, she was just mirroring back and responding to me.

Feeling: I'm lonely.  I miss having a companion.
Reality: She literally left me alone on many occasions over the past 6 months.  She canceled our New Year's plans, leaving me alone at the last minute.  Canceled events, leaving me to go alone or scramble for a friend to go at the last minute.  Ghosted me several times for 1 or 2 days, leaving me feeling alone and abandoned, not knowing if she was ever coming back.  Sometimes we actually had good times together!  She wasn't ALWAYS flaky.  But she was never really the "companion" I'm now reminiscing about.

Feeling: I'm potentially missing out on a relationship with the love of my life.  Should I contact her?  I initiated this NC.  Am I the one with BPD?
Reality:  There were some very specific things that led me to this decision.  I wrote those down too.  I can read them back to remember the feelings.  She did some hurtful things.  Some very strange and odd things that aren't normal in a relationship.  Regardless of whether it's BPD or not, or even if it's ME who has BPD (it isn't), the result was me feeling uncomfortable and bad in the relationship.  I was not happy.

And here I am now with rose-colored glasses.  I feel like this is one trait that keeps me in these ill-advised relationships.  I tend to quickly forget the bad things and only remember the good.

Interestingly, I also went back and scrolled through some text messages.  For the past month or so, she hadn't sent me any messages longer than a few words.  In person, we talked less and less.  Immediately when I initiated a breakup, she started sending me longer, more flowing messages, and calling me (she hadn't called me in weeks).  These were not messages discussing the breakup.  Just normal, longer messages acting like nothing was wrong.  Messages I would have liked to receive during the relationship.  "Normal" messages.  It was like the act of distancing myself caused her to start acting "normal" again.  But I know if I return to the relationship, she'll pull away and the BPD traits will emerge again.  The push-pull.

Writing this out helps me get through another day - thanks.

[ThanksForPlaying]

I'm mostly writing this as a note to myself.

I'm only at the VERY beginning of NC.  This was much less chaotic than some of my other breakups.  It was almost calm enough that I'm now second-guessing myself - maybe I'm making the wrong decision!

But let's write down some of the things I'm thinking.

Feeling: I miss talking to her every day.
Reality: I went back and looked at some of the back-and-forth timestamps of our calls and messages.  We've been in a fairly intense 6 month relationship.  Almost 95% of the time, the messages and calls were initiated by me.  She always responded, which kept me from seeing the true nature of the relationship.  It felt like a two-way street to me.  But the reality is, I was doing a LOT of the work.  In many ways, she was just mirroring back and responding to me.

Feeling: I'm lonely.  I miss having a companion.
Reality: She literally left me alone on many occasions over the past 6 months.  She canceled our New Year's plans, leaving me alone at the last minute.  Canceled events, leaving me to go alone or scramble for a friend to go at the last minute.  Ghosted me several times for 1 or 2 days, leaving me feeling alone and abandoned, not knowing if she was ever coming back.  Sometimes we actually had good times together!  She wasn't ALWAYS flaky.  But she was never really the "companion" I'm now reminiscing about.

Feeling: I'm potentially missing out on a relationship with the love of my life.  Should I contact her?  I initiated this NC.  Am I the one with BPD?
Reality:  There were some very specific things that led me to this decision.  I wrote those down too.  I can read them back to remember the feelings.  She did some hurtful things.  Some very strange and odd things that aren't normal in a relationship.  Regardless of whether it's BPD or not, or even if it's ME who has BPD (it isn't), the result was me feeling uncomfortable and bad in the relationship.  I was not happy.

And here I am now with rose-colored glasses.  I feel like this is one trait that keeps me in these ill-advised relationships.  I tend to quickly forget the bad things and only remember the good.

Interestingly, I also went back and scrolled through some text messages.  For the past month or so, she hadn't sent me any messages longer than a few words.  In person, we talked less and less.  Immediately when I initiated a breakup, she started sending me longer, more flowing messages, and calling me (she hadn't called me in weeks).  These were not messages discussing the breakup.  Just normal, longer messages acting like nothing was wrong.  Messages I would have liked to receive during the relationship.  "Normal" messages.  It was like the act of distancing myself caused her to start acting "normal" again.  But I know if I return to the relationship, she'll pull away and the BPD traits will emerge again.  The push-pull.

Writing this out helps me get through another day - thanks.

[HoratioX]

First off, stand strong. NC is the way to go. Break ups are hard -- recovering from them, some scientists say, is as hard or harder than overcoming heroin addiction. Love floods out brains with chemicals, and those are as addictive as any drug. So, you're in the cold turkey, detox stage. What you do next will impact how well you overcome the addiction, if that's what you wish to do.

That said, breaking up with someone like this is, to me, even harder. Not only do you have those chemicals floating around, but they're probably more intense because the person seemed like your "soulmate." They were not.

Here's why:

1) A soulmate would not leave you or do anything to make you leave. Their love for you would be equal to yours for them.

2) A soulmate would put your wants and needs on an equal plane to yours. No, that's never a perfect distribution, but it isn't as one-sided as what you describe.

3) A soulmate would be concerned about your feelings and welfare. They would check in on you, they would not ghost, and they would not break promises and commitments without having a good reason and most likely one totally out of their control.

4) A soulmate would not risk losing you by doing anything that puts the relationship in jeopardy.

You also need to consider what you really miss or primarily miss -- is it really her? Or is it companionship? Relief from boredom or loneliness? Sex?

Certainly, a relationship attends to all of these things, but if someone other than her is the primary reason you're thinking of contacting her, think again. All the reasons other than her are things you can get from someone else.

Remember, if she does have BPD (or something similar), she's always going to be dealing with her issues. Yes, there's a possibility they may go into remission or she might make some form of recovery. But even if so, she will be like a recovering alcoholic -- which is to say, always an alcoholic but just not drinking right now.  And the more you stay with her, the more your mental health is risked.

Now, all that said, I think looking at old message and such to see the harm she caused actually is a good idea, so long as you keep it in that context. We have a tendency to only remember the good times after a relationship is over, but it's the bad things that led to the break up. If there were more good things than bad, we'd still be with them.

Just my thoughts. Don't know if you wanted them or if hearing them helps, but hope so.

[Stuckinhope]

Sounds like you're doing the right things. Being mindful of all those tricks the mind plays on itself, when it's in this kind of withdrawal. Writing it out seems to be helping you too.

Just wanted to say that I know those rose-colored glasses and the problems that come with them. I could have a sudden and massive conflict with my wife, and every time a voice in my mind would question (or scream) what on earth I was still doing there with her? Just mentally starting to pack my bags, whenever it happened. Then as soon as things quieted down, it would begin fading to the background again.

It's is incredible what you can get used to, not to mention being able to bargain with yourself about, when you really, really want something to work out.

Going NC like this is a real challenge and system shock. Thank you for sharing, and I hope you stay strong in your decision.

[ThanksForPlaying]

You also need to consider what you really miss or primarily miss -- is it really her? Or is it companionship? Relief from boredom or loneliness? Sex?

Great question.  Thanks for your thoughtful reply.  In this specific case, I miss her physical attractiveness.  Now I'm thinking about why I phrased it like that.  It's almost selfish in that her attractiveness somehow validated me.  She's objectively attractive, so we got attention in public.  My friends comment about how gorgeous she is.  The sex was slightly above average - it's really not the sex I miss.  Sometimes she would say sweet things to me, and I would think "I would love to have a long-term relationship with a woman who is this sweet and attractive."

But the sweetness didn't hold up long-term.  She weaponized her attractiveness to get me to be ok with things I would never tolerate from anyone else.  It's just an idealized person that I'm missing.  It's difficult to break up with someone this physically attractive - and she knows that.  She's told me about past boyfriends who want her back (according to her of course).  But it's probably true.  They second-guess themselves just as I'm doing.  When you're removed from the drama, it can start looking not-that-bad again.

The thing about "pretty privilege" is there will always be some new sucker (or even a recycled sucker) willing to take a shot with someone that pretty.  It's hard to explain to people why I'm going NC with someone like this - just look at her!  Who would turn away someone like that?

I'm doing ok though.  I know what I saw and felt from her.  I know the boundaries she crossed and the manipulations she put me through.  I don't need to have everyone around me understand exactly what happened.  People here on this board understand - and I'm thankful for that.

[ThanksForPlaying]

It's is incredible what you can get used to, not to mention being able to bargain with yourself about, when you really, really want something to work out.

Thanks Stuckinhope.  Having been in a few BPD relationships previously (but with the advantage of having a 1.5 year break from ALL relationships), I'm getting better at seeing and feeling the red flags.  In this case, I literally would get goosebumps and occasionally felt physically sick to my stomach at some of the smaller flags.  Not even the dramatic blowups!  Just the little phrases or actions that my brain is now trained to react to and pick up on.  Of course, it's POSSIBLE I'm just overreacting in some sort of PTSD situation - maybe she's not the same as my past experiences.  But my brain and body are trying to tell me something, and it's helpful to listen.

[HoratioX]

Great question.  Thanks for your thoughtful reply.  In this specific case, I miss her physical attractiveness.  Now I'm thinking about why I phrased it like that.  It's almost selfish in that her attractiveness somehow validated me.  She's objectively attractive, so we got attention in public.  My friends comment about how gorgeous she is.  The sex was slightly above average - it's really not the sex I miss.  Sometimes she would say sweet things to me, and I would think "I would love to have a long-term relationship with a woman who is this sweet and attractive."

But the sweetness didn't hold up long-term.  She weaponized her attractiveness to get me to be ok with things I would never tolerate from anyone else.  It's just an idealized person that I'm missing.  It's difficult to break up with someone this physically attractive - and she knows that.  She's told me about past boyfriends who want her back (according to her of course).  But it's probably true.  They second-guess themselves just as I'm doing.  When you're removed from the drama, it can start looking not-that-bad again.

The thing about "pretty privilege" is there will always be some new sucker (or even a recycled sucker) willing to take a shot with someone that pretty.  It's hard to explain to people why I'm going NC with someone like this - just look at her!  Who would turn away someone like that?

I'm doing ok though.  I know what I saw and felt from her.  I know the boundaries she crossed and the manipulations she put me through.  I don't need to have everyone around me understand exactly what happened.  People here on this board understand - and I'm thankful for that.

Physical attraction is always a form of power. But what you describe sounds more like it was about building up your self esteem than a real relationship. If so, that's a separate, personal growth issue you might want to work at. Yes, a healthy relationship with someone we're attracted to in some way always boosts our self esteem, but what you describe sounds more like it's compensating for something, which goes beyond the usual expectations.

That said, I will point out my own experience, which is to say, all of my exes have been attractive -- some pretty, some gorgeous, and some traffic-stopping beautiful. Of these, the BPD ex was absolutely on the top end. Some of that was her natural features, but a lot, too, was how much time and effort she spent on looking good. I'm sure some of the others could have elevated themselves, if that's the proper word, if they committed as much to diet, fashion, exercise, hairstyling, and so forth.  They all had good features, but weren't all committed to whatever that extra something is. She was among the sexiest, too. At one time, she had danced for a living, and she knew exactly how to carry herself.

Sex with her was also on the top end. In fact, for most things, I'd say she was the best. It wasn't so much the mechanics, which some others had been equally as good at, but the uninhibitedness she brought to it. She was up for just about anything at any time. And because she took such good care of herself and was naturally sexy and flirty, that only heightened the emotional element. There is a psychology to being sexy, and she innately got it.

All that said, though, there were times because of her behavior I was just not interested. You have to understand how remarkable that is. I have a high natural sex drive and have since I hit puberty. Of all the problems exes may have had with me, sex was never one of them. So, when I say her behavior made me uninterested, that's a pretty powerful statement of just how bad it got between us. I'm not an animal and need to feel an emotional connection to a girlfriend, but being turned off is rare. Even with exes I might be arguing with, we made time for the physical element.

I'll also point out that I've seen how some of my exes turned out later. Some look just as good as ever. But others -- and perhaps not coincidentally the ones who turned out to be the least loving or the most selfish -- did not get better. Age, weight, emotional and psychological distress, and other factors did not work out in their favor. In some cases, I've been absolutely shocked.

I ran into one and did not recognize her because the physical change had been profound -- and it was only a few years later and she'd been quite attractive when we were together. In her case, the physical changes now mirrored what was inside more, and in that sense, there was a kind of justice to it. I say that in the sense that people could now see things her beauty might have obscured.

So, I guess, you might keep that in mind if it helps. Some people do get better looking as they age or at least stay as good looking. But that doesn't happen as often as we think. And with women -- rightly or wrongly -- the "expiration date" might be a shorter window of time than with men.

I know that probably sounds sexist, though I hope it doesn't. But in my life, I've heard many women say a man got better looking with age.  By comparison, I have rarely heard that said by men about a woman.  I'm certainly not saying it can't or doesn't happen. Of course it does. Or that men all get better looking as they get older.  But the odds aren't in either's favor. And for someone with profound mental and emotional issues, there are probably more stressors than even for the average person. I know my ex smoked, drank, and took a variety of medications, all of which are likely to age a person much faster.  So, as you think about how good looking your ex is, just remember the march of time. Your memory of her is fixed on the past. What you imagine will be months and then eventually years old. And chances are, she will not look the same.

[jaded7]

seemed like your "soulmate." They were not.

Here's why:

1) A soulmate would not leave you or do anything to make you leave. Their love for you would be equal to yours for them.

2) A soulmate would put your wants and needs on an equal plane to yours. No, that's never a perfect distribution, but it isn't as one-sided as what you describe.

3) A soulmate would be concerned about your feelings and welfare. They would check in on you, they would not ghost, and they would not break promises and commitments without having a good reason and most likely one totally out of their control.

4) A soulmate would not risk losing you by doing anything that puts the relationship in jeopardy.

This is a helpful list. I started to add my own to it, but thought better of it as the list got to 10 very quickly.

They feel very true to me. I think we sometimes put our exes on a pedestal  and think of them as these really amazing people who make our lives so much better. But really, you captured the heart of the matter- all the individual 'events' and things they did are subsumed in the above.

Really, a person who loves you would absolutely put your wants and needs on equal plane to theirs. That's a central part of love. And your feelings would matter! That means they would not ghost you, 'forget' about commitments and/or ghost you. It would be important to them to show their love to you by respecting those commitments.

[HoratioX]

This is a helpful list. I started to add my own to it, but thought better of it as the list got to 10 very quickly.

They feel very true to me. I think we sometimes put our exes on a pedestal  and think of them as these really amazing people who make our lives so much better. But really, you captured the heart of the matter- all the individual 'events' and things they did are subsumed in the above.

Really, a person who loves you would absolutely put your wants and needs on equal plane to theirs. That's a central part of love. And your feelings would matter! That means they would not ghost you, 'forget' about commitments and/or ghost you. It would be important to them to show their love to you by respecting those commitments.

That's good to hear, and glad that it helps.

With a break up, there's always an element of loss and regret. It's hard to untangle feelings, especially if you loved that person. At the same time, if you feel relief initially, that's usually a pretty good sign the relationship was toxic and needed to end.

To me, this is potentially part of the trap of being in a relationship with someone who has BPD (and CPTSD, anxiety, etc.):

With any healthy relationship, you try to compromise on things that you might not like but are important to the other person. You recognize that they're not going to agree with everything you do.  You understand they are a different person. But because you care deeply for them, you're willing to alter your behavior or expectations on those things that seem most important. And they do the same for you.

No, this doesn't always happen with everything -- couples will still fight even if they are a near-perfect match -- but it happens enough for the relationship to continue and even flourish. That's what a healthy, if imperfect as they all are, relationship is like.

With someone with a profound mental or emotional illness, the reciprocity is all out of whack. You're usually having to accommodate behaviors or expectations that are wholly beyond the pale of what might be expected in a healthy relationship.

Yet, because compromise is an important and expected part of a relationship, you keep trying until eventually you either realize or, more likely, finally accept that you're doing it too often and to far greater degrees than is healthy.

It may even become harder to tell where the boundaries are because you've never been in a relationship like that before. You're expecting normal parameters because that's what you experienced before. Yet, because people are different and so are relationships, you're sorting through it all as it happens in real time -- and without a baseline of experiences to accurately compare it to.

Words like "codependent" get thrown around a lot. Yes, I think that certainly happens. At the same time, it also seems to often get used to shift blame to the other person. Sometimes they are to blame. Frequently, perhaps.  But sometimes, they're just struggling to figure out what is going on. If the person with BPD (etc.) is an expert liar and manipulator, that's going to be even more difficult.

At least for a while, there's a simple human need to repair a relationship. After all, that's an expectation in a healthy relationship if things aren't working but two people want them to. Even when a relationship ends, two people may want to try again. And that can work. It frequently does. Married people, for instance, will tell you they fall in and out of love with their spouse all the time, and they often have to work hard to keep the relationship going.

The problem, of course, is that with someone with BPD, you're probably never going to repair that relationship. They are too profoundly incapable, and your compromise can easily slide into codependency. Yet, like a reflex, many people will naturally still want to try if they have unresolved feelings of love.

So, I think in order to fully get over a break up with someone with BPD (etc.), the healthy person in the relationship has to keep reminding themselves of the unhealthy behaviors and expectations of the person with BPD (etc.). Memory itself can be cloudy or selection, but emotions tend to obscure those memories even further.  The "good" memories tend to rise to the surface, and any positive emotions only heighten them. Without remembering the context of all the negativity -- and that includes the negative emotions -- it's too easy to pine away for something that, if we can recall the full range of good and bad elements, was really negative rather than positive.

I'm not a therapist, so please don't take anything I say as professional advice or conclusions. It just seems to me, though, that we have to remind ourselves because there's a natural human instinct to apply a normal framework of expectation to a situation that was anything but.