Woke up sad and angry

[Depression = 72% of members]

Have spent the last two weeks coming to terms with the reality of being married to a BPD. I've done a fair amount of mourning. Hard to mourn the loss of a relationship when you are right with your partner and she is oblivious to the profound sadness. I've actually reached out to my health care to set up an appointment to talk about mood stabilizers because I am so profoundly sad at the moment and still have to keep all the balls rolling.

But I woke up this morning kind of angry. I am spending so much time and effort trying to understand what makes my wife think and, more importantly, feel the way she does. I am setting up a second life with a storage locker for things of mine that I want to keep from being physically destroyed or thrown away. I am back in therapy, which costs money. I am consulting with a lawyer about protecting assets. I am thinking about how I can make sure that she is financially secure no matter what happens (whether I stay or go) and that I am also financially secure. I am trying to train myself to respond to her in a more productive way. And I am wrapping my head around the fact that her grown son who lives with us and is also BPD (or worse) will never leave home and the two of them will be screaming at each other for the next 20 years.

Her BPD continues to dominate my life, whether I am dealing with it or not. It demands everything. I am trying to squeeze my work time out so that I can continue to support us. But BPD demands everything.

I know that she didn't ask for this.

But I come home from work, and it is just constant sniping about inconsequential like how I chop the apples, how I load the dishwasher, what I choose to talk about or why I'm not talking about anything.

It is work to be home. I look for pockets of time for myself as relief.

And what is she doing? Is she trying to understand anything about me? Is she even aware of the purgatory that I live in? She makes great effort every day to control everything I do. That is the effort that she puts into our relationship.

I know that this is pointless venting that goes with trying to manage someone with a mental illness who does not acknowledge that she has a mental illness. Managing a person who thinks that I am the one who is incompetent.

Again, doesn't help much to vent. Apologies.

[mugsydublin]

Have spent the last two weeks coming to terms with the reality of being married to a BPD. I've done a fair amount of mourning. Hard to mourn the loss of a relationship when you are right with your partner and she is oblivious to the profound sadness. I've actually reached out to my health care to set up an appointment to talk about mood stabilizers because I am so profoundly sad at the moment and still have to keep all the balls rolling.

But I woke up this morning kind of angry. I am spending so much time and effort trying to understand what makes my wife think and, more importantly, feel the way she does. I am setting up a second life with a storage locker for things of mine that I want to keep from being physically destroyed or thrown away. I am back in therapy, which costs money. I am consulting with a lawyer about protecting assets. I am thinking about how I can make sure that she is financially secure no matter what happens (whether I stay or go) and that I am also financially secure. I am trying to train myself to respond to her in a more productive way. And I am wrapping my head around the fact that her grown son who lives with us and is also BPD (or worse) will never leave home and the two of them will be screaming at each other for the next 20 years.

Her BPD continues to dominate my life, whether I am dealing with it or not. It demands everything. I am trying to squeeze my work time out so that I can continue to support us. But BPD demands everything.

I know that she didn't ask for this.

But I come home from work, and it is just constant sniping about inconsequential like how I chop the apples, how I load the dishwasher, what I choose to talk about or why I'm not talking about anything.

It is work to be home. I look for pockets of time for myself as relief.

And what is she doing? Is she trying to understand anything about me? Is she even aware of the purgatory that I live in? She makes great effort every day to control everything I do. That is the effort that she puts into our relationship.

I know that this is pointless venting that goes with trying to manage someone with a mental illness who does not acknowledge that she has a mental illness. Managing a person who thinks that I am the one who is incompetent.

Again, doesn't help much to vent. Apologies.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Notwendy]

 I am setting up a second life with a storage locker for things of mine that I want to keep from being physically destroyed or thrown away. I am back in therapy, which costs money. I am consulting with a lawyer about protecting assets. I am thinking about how I can make sure that she is financially secure no matter what happens (whether I stay or go) and that I am also financially secure. I am trying to train myself to respond to her in a more productive way.

Her BPD continues to dominate my life, whether I am dealing with it or not. It demands everything. I am trying to squeeze my work time out so that I can continue to support us. But BPD demands everything.

I know that she didn't ask for this.

I don't have advice- I have read some of your threads. Posting because, you remind me of my late father. Maybe it will help to know you aren't the only one who has experienced this.

He also hid money from her. I recall in high school, she discovered he didn't tell her about a bonus check he got. She was in a rage about it. Truly all his money went to her needs. If he didn't tell her, it wasn't for himself- it would be so he could pay some bills probably.

When she was in a rage, she destroyed things. Dad sometimes asked me to take some of his things to my house to keep them safe from her.

He did leave her financially secure but her spending got herself into financial problems. A word of advice- if you put funds aside from her- put them in something like a trust or anuity that she can't get to easily if possible- so she gets a montly income rather than being able to spend it all at once.

It was Dad's choice to stay with her- and he must have had his reasons. He did manage to carve out some time for himself- he too walks, went to work before he retired, he'd go out for coffee or lunch to get some quiet time. With cell phones, she could still call him though. Like you, he was concerned about her well being.

I know she didn't choose this. My mother is very mentally ill. I feel sorry for her that this is her situation but nobody can change this for her. I know this was difficult for my father- his decision to stay or leave was his alone and it's yours as well. I do think what you are doing- therapy, protecting your belongings, some of your income, and getting time to yourself are a way of self care- and you have the right to take care of your basic needs-whether or not your wife approves.

[BunnyFace29]

I'm new to this realization but so much of this resonates.

My husband is constantly criticizing the smallest things that I do - how I do laundry, down to feeling the clothes that come out of the dryer. He yells and says he'll just do it himself, and not to get mad or sad myself because it's just to protect himself. But his laundry just sits and sits until he asks me to do it for him to please help him, only to tell me it's wrong and I ruined it again.

We met young (17 and 19), and I spent the first part of our relationship getting increasingly anxious and triggered myself until every fight had me sobbing and screaming or even pushing him to get him to stop slamming doors or storming out, asking what I did wrong. It's only been in the past 4-5 years that I got therapy after years of him telling me that I was insane and depressed and unstable that my own therapists (we've moved several times) started asking about our arguments and his habits. My most recent therapist, who has been my best by far, has pointed me here, and it was like the pieces fell into place. The way he would be so in love one moment, then screaming the next, and 2 hours later ask to snuggle or have sex or watch a movie like nothing ever happened.

I do think they know. My husband has moments of "clarity" - sometimes sober, sometimes when he has had something to drink or enjoyed a medically prescribed edible, where he has cried and apologized and said he doesn't know why he does it and that he hates making me sad. That I don't know the inside of his head and no one does and no one can. That living hurts but he doesn't want to give that pain to me and regrets ever making me sad. Then the moment fades and it's back to the chaos and every problem being my fault.

Currently he is threatening divorce because I "don't know how to communicate" and "don't understand that space means days apart and ends when he comes to me, not the other way around."

You aren't alone.