Work trip pwbpd doesnt want me to go

[Kaymer]

I went on a work trip from Sunday to Friday last week. My pwbpd didn't want me to go. I tried to satiate the feeling she had with calling her alot and videocalling her every night before bed. She seemed like she was ok but now when I get back I find out she said it was very hard for her. 
Two things one the work trip paid for everything and I got a small bonus and I got to stay with family I don't get to see often while I was there and it was very nice to be away from everything and chill and be on my own with family.
My work has more opportunity for me to go back in 3 weeks and again stay woth family. I want to do it again while I have the chance to go to this city and be around my family that I wouldn't normally be able to afford.
My pwbpd is very upset with the idea of me leaving again. She know she feels abandoned by my absence, upset that I am not home to feel safe, and when she is alone she sometimes has hallucinations.
Is it wrong of me to leave. I feel like I should be able to ask for her blessing but not her permission. Does that make me an asshole? I honestly dont know. If I go how do I help her feel better from my absence any advice is welcome.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[EyesUp]

If your situation was reversed, you’d support her professional obligations and opportunities, right?   And you’d support her opportunity to visit with family, right?

The real question is:  what is your motivation to accept this imbalance in your relationship?   Is it sustainable for you?

If you compromise everything for your “partner,” will it make you feel better?  Will it make her feel better?   Or will concerns simply shift to some other issue for one or both of you?

Take care.

[kells76]

Does she want to go, too?

[EyesUp]

@Kells,

Interesting suggestion!  I used to turn myself inside out to try an accomodate my uBPDxw.  She resented my business travel, so I did exactly what you suggested:  invited her to join. 

Free hotel, airfare 50% covered for work...   She responded with a range of reasonable objections (with equally reasonable counter points):  Too disruptive to her schedule (she wasn't working, or could take time off on a one-time basis).  Too disruptive to the kids' schedule (kids need routine, but also need to learn to be flexible).  Too expensive for childcare (kids could stay with grandparents).  etc.

In the end, she wasn't jealous about travel.  It was more likely some form of abandonment:  She was afraid that I would spend time with other people who might somehow be a threat to her.  New friends, family, colleagues...  Ultimately it felt like she perceived my business travel as competition for attention.

It can be challenging to bring a pwBPD into a social setting where they may perceive a threat.

OP - how does your pwBPD feel about your family?  If only as a thought experiment: Would she want to join and stay with them? 

[jaded7]

I went on a work trip from Sunday to Friday last week. My pwbpd didn't want me to go. I tried to satiate the feeling she had with calling her alot and videocalling her every night before bed. She seemed like she was ok but now when I get back I find out she said it was very hard for her. 
Two things one the work trip paid for everything and I got a small bonus and I got to stay with family I don't get to see often while I was there and it was very nice to be away from everything and chill and be on my own with family.
My work has more opportunity for me to go back in 3 weeks and again stay woth family. I want to do it again while I have the chance to go to this city and be around my family that I wouldn't normally be able to afford.
My pwbpd is very upset with the idea of me leaving again. She know she feels abandoned by my absence, upset that I am not home to feel safe, and when she is alone she sometimes has hallucinations.
Is it wrong of me to leave. I feel like I should be able to ask for her blessing but not her permission. Does that make me an asshole? I honestly dont know. If I go how do I help her feel better from my absence any advice is welcome.

This is a common issue where the partner with BPD-like thoughts and behaviors begins to control our lives with their narratives about us and our behavior and our lives.

When we give in to unreasonable expectations created from unhealthy needs, we lose a bit of ourselves and our autonomy. The problem is this never ends, there is no end to it because there will be something else. A slippery slope.

As said above, can you invite her?

[Notwendy]

I went on a work trip from Sunday to Friday last week. My pwbpd didn't want me to go. I tried to satiate the feeling she had with calling her alot and videocalling her every night before bed. She seemed like she was ok but now when I get back I find out she said it was very hard for her. 
Two things one the work trip paid for everything and I got a small bonus and I got to stay with family I don't get to see often while I was there and it was very nice to be away from everything and chill and be on my own with family.
My work has more opportunity for me to go back in 3 weeks and again stay woth family. I want to do it again while I have the chance to go to this city and be around my family that I wouldn't normally be able to afford.
My pwbpd is very upset with the idea of me leaving again. She know she feels abandoned by my absence, upset that I am not home to feel safe, and when she is alone she sometimes has hallucinations.
Is it wrong of me to leave. I feel like I should be able to ask for her blessing but not her permission. Does that make me an asshole? I honestly dont know. If I go how do I help her feel better from my absence any advice is welcome.

Reading through your post, these are areas that stood out to me.
I don't have advice for how to soothe a pwBPD's feelings because we can't control someone else's feelings.

From knowing my BPD parent for a while, I have learned there are certain patterns to her behavior. While PBD is on a spectrum- and people are their own individual, perhaps this will be helpful to you.

Feelings aren't logical but they are felt and feel real to someone with BPD. Often these feelings are projected on to something external and the external situation is perceived as the "reason" but the actual reason is a feeling. So when you try to resolve the situation that is seen as the problem, it may not be the actual problem. This isn't to say the person is lying, they feel this as real.

For some reason, spending time with family is perceived as threatening. I don't know why exactly. It's common in these relationships to develop isolation from family and friends because the BPD spouse feels uncomfortable about it. However, to say you can not see your family is unreasonable. She likely knows that and so saying that may cause her to feel shame for that feeling. So by saying you can not take the trip- this is an indirect way to solve that concern for her.

My BPD mother also doesn't tolerate being alone. From my own experience, I think she gets very anxious- and this is what sends her "over the edge" into exaggerated thinking. I don't think there's a solution for that, other than to stay with her all the time but this narrows your world. I think this comes down to how much you are willing to compromise yourself to help keep her from these feelings. To me, a work trip is a necessity- you need your job for the income. I also think contact with family is important- for you and for them. It is very difficult for family to be isolated from someone they love on account of the feelings of the BPD spouse.

[Kaymer]

So my fiance says she can't for many reasons like work won't let me off or "I am terrified of what my anxiety will be on an airplane". My thoughts now are I want to go and I won't have this opportunity again for a free visit to a state a 12hr drive away. I can't drive a company car I have to fly there and they plan it all. I see that it just isn't feasible unless alot of things are in place and we make the puzzle pieces come together.
I have told her I am going to go and she has made a big deal out of it multiple times. One of the times she took her ring off and got up and said fine go find someone else to love in that state and leave me like you want to. Ik that was aggressive and far. (I forgive to easily I think). I sat on the couch waiting for her to comeback. 10 minutes later she came back put the ring back on and apologized for the behavior.
I have not brought it back up but I am talking to work about when my next trip will be. I love my fiance more than anything the book Stop walking on eggshells pointed out though is that I can't control her but I get to control myself. Ik she will be upset and will probably overreact( I don't like the word but I have no substitute) about me leaving.

I asked a friend to stay with her last time and she bailed 1 day in to do other things after promising to check in on her. So this time I'm going talk to my fiance about her staying with her family to help with stopping hallucinations and her anxiety of being home alone.

P.s. sorry If I sound like an asshole I am writing this quickly on my phone on my break.

[kells76]

Hi Kaymer, thanks for filling us in on the details.

So my fiance says she can't for many reasons like work won't let me off or "I am terrified of what my anxiety will be on an airplane". My thoughts now are I want to go and I won't have this opportunity again for a free visit to a state a 12hr drive away. I can't drive a company car I have to fly there and they plan it all. I see that it just isn't feasible unless alot of things are in place and we make the puzzle pieces come together.

So you made the offer for her to go, and she does not want to. It is OK to respect her choice.

I have told her I am going to go and she has made a big deal out of it multiple times. One of the times she took her ring off and got up and said fine go find someone else to love in that state and leave me like you want to. Ik that was aggressive and far. (I forgive to easily I think). I sat on the couch waiting for her to comeback. 10 minutes later she came back put the ring back on and apologized for the behavior.

That's wise not to react to the whole "ring off / ring on" drama. It is significant that she apologized after only ten minutes! That is huge.

When she apologized, how did you respond?

I have not brought it back up but I am talking to work about when my next trip will be. I love my fiance more than anything the book Stop walking on eggshells pointed out though is that I can't control her but I get to control myself. Ik she will be upset and will probably overreact( I don't like the word but I have no substitute) about me leaving.

Haven't brought up the trip? or haven't brought up the "ring off / ring on" incident?

Overreaction seems to be a feature, not a bug, of BPD. I wouldn't be surprised if she does have huge emotions about you leaving.

When you mentally put yourself in her shoes (she's having a real, overwhelming fear of being left behind/abandoned), what do you feel? Finding a way to really understand that her feelings make sense given her challenges is a gateway to empathy, which can build connection.

I asked a friend to stay with her last time and she bailed 1 day in to do other things after promising to check in on her. So this time I'm going talk to my fiance about her staying with her family to help with stopping hallucinations and her anxiety of being home alone.

What did your fiance think about that original setup -- was she OK with the friend staying there?

It would be nice if she were open to staying with her family. I wonder if you can also set up something nice for her to do while you're gone, based on what she enjoys (spa day? manicures? massage?).

Some members have made "memory boxes" for their pwBPD when they have to go on work trips. Have you tried that yet with your fiance? Maybe put together some photos, one of your shirts, some items that would be meaningful to her and remind her of you. Could be worth a try.

[Kaymer]

When she apologized I responded calmly and said something along the lines of "I love you and I appreciate the apology. I don't think tonight we can finish this conversation. I haven't changed my mind but I do understand missing me. I missed you alot and on my last 2 days of my trip I really missed you and that is why I called you so much.

She has done the ring off/ ring on thing for awhile now. I used to be very hurt by it and she used it as a sort of forced control of me because I would drop the argument and tried to make the relationship ok. Now I ignore the behavior and express later I don't feel appreciated when you use your ring like that. When she is herself she totally understands.

She was definitely OK with our mutual friend staying with her but her friend let's just put it nicely and say she puts her priorities in front of everything and not in a good way.
My fiance has stayed with family before and will probably do that again.
I love the spa day and the memory box for her that would mean alot for me and her. I'll definitely talk to her about us making each other a memory box. I now have so many ideas.
Thank you for all the advise it is definitely difficult being In a relationship and adding her bpd and my adhd it adds so many other issues. That said this community is really helping me feel heard and understood and not judged for being with a partner in societies eyes as not perfect. I've been hearing alot of family and friends voices about how a relationship should be. It makes it hard so thank you for this

[kells76]

Hi Kaymer;

How are things going as you get closer to the work trip -- if I did the math right, it'll be this weekend or next week?