So hard trying to let go.

[CrazytownSA]

we have been broken up for a little over a month. 3 weeks ago he was at my house getting some things being very nice and validating things had gone bad and apologized and wished me happiness. We had great sex as always. It starts to make you want try again and thins that things can work, but then 2 days later is angry about something else. He had some things at my house that I wanted to drop off of to him. He kept puttig me off, and I was getting a bad feeling so I drove by his house, and sure enought there was another womans car in the driveway. He has alrady moved on with another woman. I feel so devestated,disgarded and unloved. I cant even begin to think of being with someone else right not, even though I'm initiating the breakup. He so toxic and demaning, that I have to for my own sanity.  But there is just something that drives you crazy with picturing your former man in bed with another woman. How do you do it? How do you get past it?

[Missygirl]

It's like you could have been writing about my experiences with him...

at my house getting some things being very nice and validating things had gone bad and apologized and wished me happiness. We had great sex as always. It starts to make you want try again and thins that things can work, but then 2 days later is angry about something else.

The sweet talking and validating words are so detached from the way they act, it's like 2 different people.

I don't know if I'll ever get over the back and forth, I love you =I hate you for xyz.
The tender moments after sex is when I felt he was truly honest and vulnerable, but then he'd get wound up tighter than before and I'd feel the tension and anxiety within him

I still have a box of his things gonna tuck it away till I am forced to do something with it. It's too painful.

It's interesting you mention that he's already onto another woman- I wonder the correlation between sex addicts/porn addiction and BPD? (Maybe not applicable in your situation) but the habits of not sticking around for long enough to build/repair anything real seems to be a pattern.

I know it's hard to grasp and see through the pain- one thing I know is that if he's got these problems, being with someone else sure isn't going to fix it. Knowing it's not going to be the love of his life makes me feel a little better (petty but better)

Im sorry you're going thru this too.. what a horrible thing these sorts of relationships,
Remember to do self care, and work on loving yourself, the way he couldn't. (I went and got my eyelashes done as a treat, makes me feel confident even when im not totally) 

Time and self compassion...

[SinisterComplex]

we have been broken up for a little over a month. 3 weeks ago he was at my house getting some things being very nice and validating things had gone bad and apologized and wished me happiness. We had great sex as always. It starts to make you want try again and thins that things can work, but then 2 days later is angry about something else. He had some things at my house that I wanted to drop off of to him. He kept puttig me off, and I was getting a bad feeling so I drove by his house, and sure enought there was another womans car in the driveway. He has alrady moved on with another woman. I feel so devestated,disgarded and unloved. I cant even begin to think of being with someone else right not, even though I'm initiating the breakup. He so toxic and demaning, that I have to for my own sanity.  But there is just something that drives you crazy with picturing your former man in bed with another woman. How do you do it? How do you get past it?

How you feel is normal. Keep in mind your grief isn't just going to evaporate over night and you are not just going to get through it with a magic wand to make it all speed up and go faster. Unfortunately, it is a process. However, you are ahead of the pace in a sense because you initiated the break up and see the toxicity for what it is. That is vital to your growth moving forward.

I suppose the easiest way for to get those thoughts out of your head is to focus on the reasons for why you needed to move on. Whenever there is a thought that is positive and it takes you down memory lane try to stay in the moment and remind yourself the reason why he is no longer a part of your life.

You chose yourself now stick to it and keep your head up. We will have your back here. Share as much as you need to and ask as many questions as you want to.

In the meantime please be kind to YOU and take care of yourself.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-

[CrazytownSA]

These response are life savers. I'm struggling so much, but they help tremendously. I'm trying to stop obsessing about another woman in his bed, but it is kicking my a$$. He's having fun with her and laughing and enjoying life while I'm in an emotional hell. It hurts so bad. I am no where near the point of being ready to enter into a new relationship, meanwhile he's way past that with someone actually staying over at his house. I was able to hand the break up fairly well, but this blind sided me like a freight train.  I can't really talk to my friends about it because they're just happy he's with someone else and not me. I know he'll eventually turn back into his jeckyl and hyde self, but for now someone is getting to enjoy him, and I get to live in misery knowing about it. I wonder what it will be with her, I wonder when the tear down and rages will begin. Maybe 3 or 4 months. Part of feels sorry for her, part of me is jealous that she's geting to experience the love bombing that is so wonderful. I wish I could just turn off my feeling. This is just excruciating. All the things run through my head. How long has this ibeen going on? It diesnt just happen overnight.

[seekingtheway]

Hey Crazytown - I can identify with how you're feeling right now. And it's also happened in the past, so I can tell you how I'm moving through it...

My ex blindsided me by monkey branching to someone else a few years ago, posted a pic of them on socials a few hours after the breakup call - and then I watched as he plastered their amazing relationship all over socials for the next 7 months (including him pictured with her kids one week after our breakup!) - till he contacted me and gave me the story that he had been coerced by this woman, horribly treated by her, that she was a narcissist, that she had stolen from him, abused him, said he would protect me from her if she ever came to town (she lives far away), said he'd had a major life lesson that made him realise it was ME he always wanted, and lots of other amazing promises that I lapped up without really holding him to account for what he had done to me... anyway... we got back together on the back of this story, stayed together another 18 months, with a really messy push/pull ending. I felt his energy change recently, and I knew it was likely he'd found someone else.

And then I see them together last week (on my birthday... yay!) in a special local place that I go all the time (he knows this). And I live about 100 metres from him. So I know what you're talking about in terms of knowing your ex is in a wonderful honeymoon love bubble just moments away. It sucks.

I've had a few wobbly moments in the last few weeks, that's for sure. But the way I'm dealing with it is to lean into this space... to sort my head and my heart out, which were both a total mess. To begin with I just told myself that no matter what happens, I need this time and space to get healthy again... without having to deal with the harsh truth of it being 'over forever'. But I'm finding that with every week that goes by with no contact, my head is getting clearer, and I'm getting stronger... and the disgust of him pinging between us both the way he has means I'm much firmer in my position of never wanting to be with him ever again. I knew it in my head before, but my heart hadn't caught up yet... whereas I can feel my heart catching up now. So in a way, I think the quick relationships with other people have a silver lining - it usually allows you some much-needed time and space, and stops you from staying in a push/pull situation which is honestly just so devastating. As hard and upsetting as it is, and it does feel like a betrayal, this is time for you to find your sanity again.

[HealthTeacher]

Remember, you do NOT know what is going on with the other car and the other person.

He may be rebounding, sure. He also may be distracting himself. He may be trying to move on... but he might not be hooking up. Don't assume the worst. Try not to assume anything. BPD relationships are extremely painful for both parties.

I just broke it off with my ex who has severe BPD on Thursday of last week. VERY fresh, but we have been down this road before. I feel like I need to be DONE this time.

Like you, my thoughts are all over the place. No contact is hard, but contact is even harder even if we are looking to feel soothed (that's how we return to the drama, unfortunately).

Find a way to self-soothe these thoughts. You do not know what he's up to. Keep that in mind. You don't know. Catastrophizing won't help. As others have pointed out, when you get those nasty thoughts, distract yourself or re-focus on the fact that this is not your problem anymore.