I think my ex has BPD

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Hi all. Firstly, thank you for this forum because
it has really helped me put things into perspective the last few days.

I've had an on-off relationship for 4 years or so and I am driving myself insane trying to work out what went wrong. I'm currently very upset and vulnerable so have been googling stuff and BPD ticks a lot, but not all, the boxes. So I wondered if anyone had a perspective on this long post (sorry!)

When the relationship started we seemed to fall in love incredibly quickly. We spoke of marriage, children etc. She seemed incredibly caring and thoughtful, and I still think she is to be honest. We seemed to understand eachother so deeply and I felt I could be so vulnerable with her.

However, after a while I realised she was quite emotionally unstable. Firstly, she didn't really have any friends and had cut off most her family due to what I consider minor reasons. Secondly, I realised that if I didn't reciprocate her affection to the maximum, or if I couldn't be as available to see her, she would become very short and distant with me and this would cause immense feelings of panic in me. For example, if I was out with friends and I could only send her a couple of texts I would receive a really blunt goodnight text from her designed to make me realise she was upset (it was normal for us to send very long loving messages before bed). This would trigger a night of anxiety where I was desperate to tell her I loved her and apologise for not texting as much. This kind of passive aggression was very common and caused a lot of anxiety.

After a few months she completely abandoned me after discovering a medication I was taking that i didn't inform her about. She sent me a page long text basically telling me how bad I was to do that, and also wrote a laundry list of things that were wrong with me and how awful a boyfriend I was, like how i never showed her enough love, didn't put her first etc. (I felt like I showered her in love to be honest). I called and texted for weeks to get hold of her. I was absolutely destroyed and heartbroken. I became suicidal  during this time period. Eventually we spoke and agreed to try again with what we'd learnt. I decided to tell her everything and not neglect her. I basically apologised for it all and changed my ways.

This cycle repeated several times over the next few years where she would leave me over what I believe was basically gaslighting. For example, that I never gave her affection. This wasn't true at all, but maybe it wasn't to her expectations. Another example was she wanted to lose weight and I would occasionally offer her to come gym with me, or I'd say something she considered an insult, and she left because she thought I didn't find her attractive. That wasn't true at all and she'd list a series of events to me that I remember VERY differently.

To complicate things every cycle did make me withdraw more and cause me to become less confident in us having children or living together. This was the reason for the recent, and last, breakup. She felt I wasn't committed. This wasn't true, and since we've been together again I made so much effort to get us close again. I arranged 3 holidays in the last year, got a mortgage in principle for us both, bought some furniture for our future home, and arranged several viewings. But she felt it took me too long to do this and that Id dragged my heels. She also accused me of not loving her, of us not having any chemistry, of me being narcissistic, etc. I don't feel any of this stuff is true but I do start to doubt my own sanity sometimes.

I'm immensely heartbroken and miss her so much. She is a genuinely sweet and lovely person and does amazing things for people not just including myself. She had a fantastic  relationship with my special needs brother and would treat him with such love and care. I just wish she was more stable. I feel like she perceived events very differently to reality. I also feel like she changes like a flipped switch and past events get retroactively altered in her mind to be bad when I remember them fondly.

Sorry for the long post, but if anyone has a view or would like more info, please just ask or say.

[StoneCold]

Hi all. Firstly, thank you for this forum because
it has really helped me put things into perspective the last few days.

I've had an on-off relationship for 4 years or so and I am driving myself insane trying to work out what went wrong. I'm currently very upset and vulnerable so have been googling stuff and BPD ticks a lot, but not all, the boxes. So I wondered if anyone had a perspective on this long post (sorry!)

When the relationship started we seemed to fall in love incredibly quickly. We spoke of marriage, children etc. She seemed incredibly caring and thoughtful, and I still think she is to be honest. We seemed to understand eachother so deeply and I felt I could be so vulnerable with her.

However, after a while I realised she was quite emotionally unstable. Firstly, she didn't really have any friends and had cut off most her family due to what I consider minor reasons. Secondly, I realised that if I didn't reciprocate her affection to the maximum, or if I couldn't be as available to see her, she would become very short and distant with me and this would cause immense feelings of panic in me. For example, if I was out with friends and I could only send her a couple of texts I would receive a really blunt goodnight text from her designed to make me realise she was upset (it was normal for us to send very long loving messages before bed). This would trigger a night of anxiety where I was desperate to tell her I loved her and apologise for not texting as much. This kind of passive aggression was very common and caused a lot of anxiety.

After a few months she completely abandoned me after discovering a medication I was taking that i didn't inform her about. She sent me a page long text basically telling me how bad I was to do that, and also wrote a laundry list of things that were wrong with me and how awful a boyfriend I was, like how i never showed her enough love, didn't put her first etc. (I felt like I showered her in love to be honest). I called and texted for weeks to get hold of her. I was absolutely destroyed and heartbroken. I became suicidal  during this time period. Eventually we spoke and agreed to try again with what we'd learnt. I decided to tell her everything and not neglect her. I basically apologised for it all and changed my ways.

This cycle repeated several times over the next few years where she would leave me over what I believe was basically gaslighting. For example, that I never gave her affection. This wasn't true at all, but maybe it wasn't to her expectations. Another example was she wanted to lose weight and I would occasionally offer her to come gym with me, or I'd say something she considered an insult, and she left because she thought I didn't find her attractive. That wasn't true at all and she'd list a series of events to me that I remember VERY differently.

To complicate things every cycle did make me withdraw more and cause me to become less confident in us having children or living together. This was the reason for the recent, and last, breakup. She felt I wasn't committed. This wasn't true, and since we've been together again I made so much effort to get us close again. I arranged 3 holidays in the last year, got a mortgage in principle for us both, bought some furniture for our future home, and arranged several viewings. But she felt it took me too long to do this and that Id dragged my heels. She also accused me of not loving her, of us not having any chemistry, of me being narcissistic, etc. I don't feel any of this stuff is true but I do start to doubt my own sanity sometimes.

I'm immensely heartbroken and miss her so much. She is a genuinely sweet and lovely person and does amazing things for people not just including myself. She had a fantastic  relationship with my special needs brother and would treat him with such love and care. I just wish she was more stable. I feel like she perceived events very differently to reality. I also feel like she changes like a flipped switch and past events get retroactively altered in her mind to be bad when I remember them fondly.

Sorry for the long post, but if anyone has a view or would like more info, please just ask or say.

[tina7868]

hi StoneCold, and welcome to the forum  ! i`m really sorry to hear about what you've been going through in your relationship. in this space, a lot of us can relate to the ups and downs of a cyclical relationship. and from a place of recognition and understanding, i know how exhausting it can be. thank you for sharing your experience. you`re in the right place to learn and grow.

from what you've described, there are some aspects when it comes to your ex`s behaviour that could potentially align with BPD, particularly the intense emotional swings, fear of abandonment, and distorted perceptions of events. of course, we aren`t in a position to provide a formal diagnosis. that being said, if viewing your experiences through this lens is beneficial to you, that is what matters.

it's important to acknowledge that there is a pattern in your relationship. it's clear that these cycles of intense closeness followed by abandonment and criticism have deeply affected your emotional well-being. it`s normal to feel conflicting emotions; on the one hand, she does have positive attributes to her, and you care for her a lot. on the other hand, her perceptions and behaviors may not always align with reality, and it affects you.

you posted on the detaching board. where are your mind and heart at right now? would you want to be with her again, do you want to leave things in the past, or are you not sure? there are no right or wrong answers. these questions are to help us get a better understanding of where you are at so as to better support you   

   

[ChooseHappiness]

I've had an on-off relationship for 4 years or so and I am driving myself insane trying to work out what went wrong. I'm currently very upset and vulnerable so have been googling stuff and BPD ticks a lot, but not all, the boxes. So I wondered if anyone had a perspective on this long post (sorry!)

When the relationship started we seemed to fall in love incredibly quickly. We spoke of marriage, children etc. She seemed incredibly caring and thoughtful, and I still think she is to be honest. We seemed to understand eachother so deeply and I felt I could be so vulnerable with her.

However, after a while I realised she was quite emotionally unstable. Firstly, she didn't really have any friends and had cut off most her family due to what I consider minor reasons.

Falling in love quickly doesn't necessarily mean BPD -- it can just be love. That said, everything I've read about BPD suggests "love bombing" is common on the part of the person with BPD. They can be very charismatic and engaging people - until they're not. Which then leaves the romantic partner wondering what happened and how to get that original loving person back. (Some of the stuff I've read raises the possibility of how genuine that love bombing was in the first place and how much is just the BPD person mirroring what their partner wants in the idealization phase. I'm not a therapist so can't really comment on that, but it's worth considering.)

To me, the estrangement from family and friends is a real red flag. If someone can't maintain long-term relationships with anyone else, there's usually a reason for that. And if they're always blaming others for the demise of relationships, that's another red flag.

Secondly, I realised that if I didn't reciprocate her affection to the maximum, or if I couldn't be as available to see her, she would become very short and distant with me and this would cause immense feelings of panic in me. For example, if I was out with friends and I could only send her a couple of texts I would receive a really blunt goodnight text from her designed to make me realise she was upset (it was normal for us to send very long loving messages before bed). This would trigger a night of anxiety where I was desperate to tell her I loved her and apologise for not texting as much. This kind of passive aggression was very common and caused a lot of anxiety.

After a few months she completely abandoned me after discovering a medication I was taking that i didn't inform her about. She sent me a page long text basically telling me how bad I was to do that, and also wrote a laundry list of things that were wrong with me and how awful a boyfriend I was, like how i never showed her enough love, didn't put her first etc. (I felt like I showered her in love to be honest). I called and texted for weeks to get hold of her. I was absolutely destroyed and heartbroken. I became suicidal  during this time period. Eventually we spoke and agreed to try again with what we'd learnt. I decided to tell her everything and not neglect her. I basically apologised for it all and changed my ways.

It sounds like she was really trying to make you change your behaviour. Again, this seems common with BPD, who often seem to want their partners to fuse with them and are intolerant of differences that don't mesh with their identity/desires. They are often drawn to caretaker figures who have malleable or non-existent boundaries, and who are willing to change to satisfy the BPD person's needs.

The only problem is those needs can never actually be satisfied. You are constantly told that whatever you are doing is not enough, no matter how much you do. Until eventually you've had enough or the BPD person decides you cannot fix the chaos inside them and seeks someone else who can. Which is a futile quest, of course, because the only person who can fix yourself is in fact yourself.

I was in a similar situation as you with my ex, who was never satisfied with how much I did or gave. She was always in crisis and no one could do anything about it. I used to think she was an emotional black hole -- and then I started reading books about BPD that describe them as emotional black holes.

I recommend reading Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist if you haven't already. It really helped me to understand BPD (as much as you can understand it anyway) -- and to understand its effects on me and how I had lost myself as a person in the caretaking role. It's really important to understand that no matter what you do and how much you change, it will never be enough to calm the chaos inside the BPD person. And all of that stress and trying to fix things will eventually cause breakdowns in your physical and mental health.

You need to begin caretaking yourself and putting yourself first again, as it sounds like you have been in various states of crisis. It's only when all people involved in a relationship are looking after their own needs and working on themselves that they can enter into a healthy relationship with others, from a position of abundance rather than need.

I feel like she perceived events very differently to reality. I also feel like she changes like a flipped switch and past events get retroactively altered in her mind to be bad when I remember them fondly.

That's pretty common. People with BPD tend to be disassociated from reality when in the splitting phase. I was with my ex for more than two decades and many of those years were good ones. But in her mind now, I'm just an emotional abuser who victimized her for the entire time.

You need to look at your own history and feelings impartially and trust yourself when you think you did enough -- more than enough, even. If she truly does have BPD, her opinions will be so distorted as to be unreliable. Check with your friends and family to see how they view things. And commit to some serious therapy over time, where the therapist can get to know you and offer some impartial insights as well. (It was my therapist who first clued me in to BPD and made me realize I had gone above and beyond in my relationship.)

I hope your way to some peace.

[once removed]

That said, everything I've read about BPD suggests "love bombing" is common on the part of the person with BPD.

in the dating world, i think you will find this to be more and more common, and especially the older we all get.

you have approximately 40% of people with an insecure attachment style of some sort. thats nearly half of anyone you may date, at any given time, compensating one way or another for their interest in you. theyre throwing their all into finding a mate.

that means people with biological clocks consciously ticking, primal urges, a lot of eagerness or even desperation, and youll likely find mixed or worst results when it comes to dating etiquette. me? i dont have a personality disorder, but i often have to watch my tendency to over pursue or chase.

connecting over your urgency to mate, or to start a family, is an ordinary thing. but we should all be aware the extent to which real intimacy is built slowly over time.

To me, the estrangement from family and friends is a real red flag. If someone can't maintain long-term relationships with anyone else, there's usually a reason for that

most of the people i meet complain about this. never at any time in history have people reported such high levels of loneliness, despite more opportunities than weve ever had as a society to connect. the older we get, the harder it is to make long term connections, and that is often an impetus for dating.

When the relationship started we seemed to fall in love incredibly quickly. We spoke of marriage, children etc. She seemed incredibly caring and thoughtful, and I still think she is to be honest. We seemed to understand eachother so deeply and I felt I could be so vulnerable with her.

it seems like things felt aligned between the two of you at first.

Secondly, I realised that if I didn't reciprocate her affection to the maximum, or if I couldn't be as available to see her, she would become very short and distant with me and this would cause immense feelings of panic in me. For example, if I was out with friends and I could only send her a couple of texts I would receive a really blunt goodnight text from her designed to make me realise she was upset (it was normal for us to send very long loving messages before bed). This would trigger a night of anxiety where I was desperate to tell her I loved her and apologise for not texting as much. This kind of passive aggression was very common and caused a lot of anxiety.

one of the most interesting statistics i ever read is that most relationships end in around 90 days.

for a lot of those 90 days, if weve made it that far, whoever we are dating looks great. the initial connection tends to be intense, we match and meet each other as mating requires, and it can look and feel like we are compatible in just about every way.

in those same 90 days is usually where the honeymoon ends and the power struggle begins; the seeds that lay the destruction or foundation for the relationship.

it sounds like in spite of things going smoothly initially, they were off fairly quickly, and it caused you a lot of stress.

the hard part about dysfunctional relationships is that they exist in a sort of grey area. they persist long after that 90 days, because they tend to feel too good to leave, too bad to stay, until something gives. the "something gives" can last for years.

she would leave me over what I believe was basically gaslighting. For example, that I never gave her affection. This wasn't true at all,
...
she left because she thought I didn't find her attractive. That wasn't true at all
...
less confident in us having children or living together. This was the reason for the recent, and last, breakup.
...
She felt I wasn't committed. This wasn't true
...
But she felt it took me too long to do this and that Id dragged my heels.
...
I don't feel any of this stuff is true

i think that regardless of who is right or wrong, about any given thing, there is a huge discrepancy between how the two of you view each other, and the relationship. thats hard to repair.

I'm immensely heartbroken and miss her so much.

a common dilemma that many of us fell into was finding ourselves in a relationship that had a dead end. like you, i wanted to marry my ex. at the same time, with all the conflict between us, i couldnt see it happening. the relationship persisted for years without that fundamental difference being resolved. by the end of it, my ex was done waiting.

you have remained in this relationship for several years. it is obvious that you love her. i think the question is, where do you want to go from here? in my experience, whether you want to detach from the relationship, or save it, one of the hardest things for me was to understand my exes perspective. it would have helped my relationship a lot, during; i cant promise you that it would have saved it, because i dont think we were meant to be. but in a similar way, understanding the wide gulf between us ultimately helped me come to terms with how the relationship broke down, and ultimately, detach.

[StoneCold]

you posted on the detaching board. where are your mind and heart at right now? would you want to be with her again, do you want to leave things in the past, or are you not sure? there are no right or wrong answers. these questions are to help us get a better understanding of where you are at so as to better support you   

   

Thank you so much for this response. Truth be told I don't know if I am willing to try again. I feel so exhausted from having to walk on so many egg shells throughout the relationship. I feel so hurt from the things she's said about me at every split. But I know what a genuinely wonderful human she is when she is balanced and well.

I also question my own sanity so much that I do wonder if I am the problem. I would hate to be one of these people that can't take any accountability and blame their partner for everything that went wrong. But when I try to reflect objectively I find it difficult to see it from any perspective other than her reactions have been irrational.

I suppose my biggest concern is whether these behaviours are ever going to improve. We don't have any ties to each other at the moment other than emotionally. I am terrified of this happening when we have children or a house.

[StoneCold]

Falling in love quickly doesn't necessarily mean BPD -- it can just be love. That said, everything I've read about BPD suggests "love bombing" is common on the part of the person with BPD. They can be very charismatic and engaging people - until they're not. Which then leaves the romantic partner wondering what happened and how to get that original loving person back. (Some of the stuff I've read raises the possibility of how genuine that love bombing was in the first place and how much is just the BPD person mirroring what their partner wants in the idealization phase. I'm not a therapist so can't really comment on that, but it's worth considering.)

To me, the estrangement from family and friends is a real red flag. If someone can't maintain long-term relationships with anyone else, there's usually a reason for that. And if they're always blaming others for the demise of relationships, that's another red flag.

Thank you so much for this response. It's so informative and eye-opening. As is everything I am reading here. And I am definitely going to check those books out. Hopefully they are on kindle.

The estrangement aspect does really concern me because I can look back to ways she told me she treated them after perceived indiscretions and realise that's what she's been doing to me.

The only problem is those needs can never actually be satisfied. You are constantly told that whatever you are doing is not enough, no matter how much you do. Until eventually you've had enough or the BPD person decides you cannot fix the chaos inside them and seeks someone else who can. Which is a futile quest, of course, because the only person who can fix yourself is in fact yourself.

I was in a similar situation as you with my ex, who was never satisfied with how much I did or gave. She was always in crisis and no one could do anything about it. I used to think she was an emotional black hole -- and then I started reading books about BPD that describe them as emotional black holes.
.

Again, this is very eye-opening and is so reminiscent of how my situation is. I'm stuck in a cycle where I just keep wondering how I can alter my behaviours to make sure this never happens. But I guess I'm approaching it from the wrong angle if it is BPD because nothing I can do will change how someone else reacts to something.

You need to look at your own history and feelings impartially and trust yourself when you think you did enough -- more than enough, even. If she truly does have BPD, her opinions will be so distorted as to be unreliable. Check with your friends and family to see how they view things. And commit to some serious therapy over time, where the therapist can get to know you and offer some impartial insights as well. (It was my therapist who first clued me in to BPD and made me realize I had gone above and beyond in my relationship.)

I hope your way to some peace.

Yeah this is excellent advice. I'm trying very hard to be objective and not blame her for everything. Of course I could have been a better partner. Who couldn't be? The conclusion I and others keep coming to though is that I was a good partner and the reactions have always been disproportionate. It makes me very sad because I only ever want to see the best in her. I wish I could provide her with comfort and contention that I know she wants. I know that all she wants is security and happiness but it feels like it's impossible for her. It's very sad.

Thank you so much for your reply

[StoneCold]

in the dating world, i think you will find this to be more and more common, and especially the older we all get.

you have approximately 40% of people with an insecure attachment style of some sort. thats nearly half of anyone you may date, at any given time, compensating one way or another for their interest in you. theyre throwing their all into finding a mate.

that means people with biological clocks consciously ticking, primal urges, a lot of eagerness or even desperation, and youll likely find mixed or worst results when it comes to dating etiquette. me? i dont have a personality disorder, but i often have to watch my tendency to over pursue or chase.

Thank you for this reply. This is so true. And unfortunately I believe I have slight tendencies of this myself. When she love bombed me early on I was happy to reciprocate because I just want to be loved too. And I still do which is why I'm always so keen to keep chasing her when she shuns me. I believe my anxiety has only gotten worse in the relationship due to this.

.

the hard part about dysfunctional relationships is that they exist in a sort of grey area. they persist long after that 90 days, because they tend to feel too good to leave, too bad to stay, until something gives. the "something gives" can last for years.
.

This is such an accurate summary. It does feel too good to lose. I feel like on our good days i couldn't ask for a better partner. A soul mate if you will. But I know it's not something I can keep pursuing like this. I'm losing who I am as a person, I'm becoming a husk of who I used to be to satisfy her emotional needs.

.

you have remained in this relationship for several years. it is obvious that you love her. i think the question is, where do you want to go from here? in my experience, whether you want to detach from the relationship, or save it, one of the hardest things for me was to understand my exes perspective. it would have helped my relationship a lot, during; i cant promise you that it would have saved it, because i dont think we were meant to be. but in a similar way, understanding the wide gulf between us ultimately helped me come to terms with how the relationship broke down, and ultimately, detach.

This is very insightful and helpful thank you. I believe you are so right that there is a wide gulf between our perspectives and this is the only way I can done to terms with things, or potentially save things if that's even possible anymore. I'm not so sure it is unfortunately. I wish it could be but I don't know if I have the strength anymore. I believe I would need to fully understand her perspective and she would need to understand mine. I don't even know if BPD type things are treatable, it's all so new to me.

Thank you so much for your perspective. It's really helped.

[StoneCold]

I've been thinking about this for a whilst since posting this and I wondered if anyone knew if it was normal for someone with BPD to not have impulsivity or want to be around their partner all the time?

My girlfriend always wanted attention from me but she had a lot of anxiety and preferred to stay at home a lot. Additionally she wasn't very impulsive.

Thanks ☺️