Advice on my estranged brother

[smallfish03]

Hi!

I'm a 26F with quiet BPD, and a brother (24) who has never been diagnosed but I'm fairly sure has BPD. He also has diagnosed ADHD, and struggled with substance use, crime involvement and depressive episodes for most of his life. We have always had an on-and-off relationship, (we were either super close or not tight but not fighting), but for the last year and 4 months we haven't spoken at all. A year and a half ago my grandma died on his birthday, and he hasn't been the same since. He's aggressively pushed away almost all his friends and our other sister, and stays virtually cut off from the world in my parents' basement.

I've been working hard in therapy to heal my BPD and my trauma, and any time I bring it up in therapy I'm reminded of the ways in which he has hurt me and my family, and the evidence that he would have no problem doing so again. For example, he has stolen lots of money ad wrecked my parents cars, and has been dealing serious drugs from my parents' home. He also just has a really short fuse and tends to start revealing deep secrets and opening old wounds when he's angry. (notably, he knows I'm bi and I'm terrified he'll tell my super religious parents if I make a wrong move).

Despite this, I keep feeling like I can't let the relationship go to PLEASE READ, especially knowing how his BPD shapes his interactions with others. I have made a few attempts to reach out in the last few months with no success, and my therapist says I should let him go for now. Does anyone have any thoughts on this whole situation? Long term I want a brother but I'm past the point of allowing abuse towards my whole family for the sake of that. I appreciate your thoughts and comments!

All good things
Smallfish

[kells76]

Hello smallfish03 and welcome 

Family deaths are difficult anyway, so your theory makes sense that your grandmother's death on your B24's birthday impacted him greatly, due to his mental health struggles. Was he close with your grandmother?

It sounds like there are three siblings: you, your B24, and a sister. How old is she? And is your brother the only one of you three still living with your parents?

At some level, despite his challenges and behaviors, it sounds like your parents are OK with him living with them. As far as you can tell, what's their relationship like? Do you think your parents see clearly what's going on? What about your relationship with your parents -- how's that? I ask because sometimes people think they hold power over us due to the information they have. They treat that information like a stick to keep you in line: "Don't do XYZ because if you do, I'll tell them about ___". I wonder if there's a way to decrease or erase the power it seems like your B24 has, if you have the kind of relationship with your parents where you could start being open with them about aspects of your life? Just curious to learn more about what you fear would happen if your B24 disclosed your personal info to your parents.

I keep feeling like I can't let the relationship go to  , especially knowing how his BPD shapes his interactions with others. I have made a few attempts to reach out in the last few months with no success, and my therapist says I should let him go for now.

How did you respond when you hear that from your T?

Do you think your B24 is being "honest", in a way, when he's declining to relate to you -- that is to say, do you think he might honestly "not have anything in the tank" for relating to others right now, and is taking space for himself (albeit in ways that seem unhealthy)?

I wonder if this chapter could be a positive for both of you -- if it's just too much for him to relate right now, you can respect his choice and give him some room, while treating it as a "break" for you as well to catch your breath and regroup. Might be counterintuitive... but maybe an option? What do you think?

Looking forward to hearing more from you, whenever works best;

kells76