Closing the gap...

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

What the hell is Skip babbling about yesterday?  Let me try this again... .

Closing  the Gap between your Intellect, Behavior, and Instincts

How many posts exist where you can see the writer knows what they should do, but emotionally can't do it.  For a period of time (as you learn about BPD) the gap between the two widens to the point some, like me, have your brain pulling in one direction and your heart in another.  It's like an emotional paralysis many of us non's get into.  I've seen it in many many posts.

Why was yesterday such a big deal to Skip?  Yesterday I was challenged with some BPD drama, and as "hokuhonu" aptly puts it "I recognized it for what it is" and didn't have an unhealthy emotional/instinctually response to it."  I lightly chuckled at the absurdity of it before even thinking about it... .the "gap" between my intellectual and emotional/instinctual response is apparently (finally) gone.

In retrospect, it seems to me that the progression of extracting yourself from a addictive/obsessive relationship to be 1) intellectually understand the need to do it, 2) "force change" your physical behavior (NC, NBPD, etc.) c) explore your own motivations and needs, and d) wait/hope for the emotions and instincts to line up. 

If there is anything I can pass along it would be that if you are a non hoping / waiting for the emotions to extract you, good luck!  I think that only happens at rock bottom or near. You've gotta force that physical/behavior change and shift the dicussion from BPD to yourself.  Expect the gap to be discomforting for a while.


Alignment of Conflicting Emotions

Some people get angry and resentful of the BP when they move-on, and they dismiss them and the relationship as a "looser".  This is probably a pretty typical healthy response in a typical relationship... .

For me, it's been difficult to rationalize resentment and anger with the meaningful times we had... .difficult relationship or not, we saved 2 boys from a huge emotional catastrophe (suicide)... .and there were other meaningful times.  Anyone reading my posts would notice my need to acknowledge the good in all of it (after fully understanding the bad).

Yesterday I saw that my seemingly inconsistent emotional thoughts can be reconciled. 

I said I love her/them and I miss her/them. I do.  One could conclude that I therefor want to re-engagement. I don't. And I don't feel and push/pull between these two thoughts.  The two can coexist.

This is all seemed so complex to me... .until now.  Now I see it.  A BP relationship is really two... .the white one and the black one.  I guess this was all my struggle to grieve / recover from both of them.

Look hard enough, and I guess all the pieces of the puzzle will eventually fit.

I learned a lot yesterday.  Thanks friends.

Skip


PS:  Life was so much simpler when I was in 4th grade.  I had a girlfriend (Donna Pepper).  One day, standing in her front yard, she leaned over and kissed me on the ear.  I turned around and ran down the street as fast as I could.  That was the end of that! 8)

[Skippy]

What the hell is Skip babbling about yesterday?  Let me try this again... .

Closing  the Gap between your Intellect, Behavior, and Instincts

How many posts exist where you can see the writer knows what they should do, but emotionally can't do it.  For a period of time (as you learn about BPD) the gap between the two widens to the point some, like me, have your brain pulling in one direction and your heart in another.  It's like an emotional paralysis many of us non's get into.  I've seen it in many many posts.

Why was yesterday such a big deal to Skip?  Yesterday I was challenged with some BPD drama, and as "hokuhonu" aptly puts it "I recognized it for what it is" and didn't have an unhealthy emotional/instinctually response to it."  I lightly chuckled at the absurdity of it before even thinking about it... .the "gap" between my intellectual and emotional/instinctual response is apparently (finally) gone.

In retrospect, it seems to me that the progression of extracting yourself from a addictive/obsessive relationship to be 1) intellectually understand the need to do it, 2) "force change" your physical behavior (NC, NBPD, etc.) c) explore your own motivations and needs, and d) wait/hope for the emotions and instincts to line up. 

If there is anything I can pass along it would be that if you are a non hoping / waiting for the emotions to extract you, good luck!  I think that only happens at rock bottom or near. You've gotta force that physical/behavior change and shift the dicussion from BPD to yourself.  Expect the gap to be discomforting for a while.


Alignment of Conflicting Emotions

Some people get angry and resentful of the BP when they move-on, and they dismiss them and the relationship as a "looser".  This is probably a pretty typical healthy response in a typical relationship... .

For me, it's been difficult to rationalize resentment and anger with the meaningful times we had... .difficult relationship or not, we saved 2 boys from a huge emotional catastrophe (suicide)... .and there were other meaningful times.  Anyone reading my posts would notice my need to acknowledge the good in all of it (after fully understanding the bad).

Yesterday I saw that my seemingly inconsistent emotional thoughts can be reconciled. 

I said I love her/them and I miss her/them. I do.  One could conclude that I therefor want to re-engagement. I don't. And I don't feel and push/pull between these two thoughts.  The two can coexist.

This is all seemed so complex to me... .until now.  Now I see it.  A BP relationship is really two... .the white one and the black one.  I guess this was all my struggle to grieve / recover from both of them.

Look hard enough, and I guess all the pieces of the puzzle will eventually fit.

I learned a lot yesterday.  Thanks friends.

Skip


PS:  Life was so much simpler when I was in 4th grade.  I had a girlfriend (Donna Pepper).  One day, standing in her front yard, she leaned over and kissed me on the ear.  I turned around and ran down the street as fast as I could.  That was the end of that! 8)

[Silent Alarm]

Thanks Skip.  Great post.  I've been feeling strange for the past 7-10 days.  Feelings collapsing, somehow.  Less intense anger and sadness.  Hard to explain, exactly.  But when I read your post it made sense to me.  I feel the gap closing.  I'm not there yet, but the swinging between emotions of "missing her" and "hating her" is much less extreme.  I certainly go back and forth between them, since the gap is still there, but your post is kind of like a roadsign on the highway.  I still have many miles to travel, but at least I know I'm heading in the right direction.

[Sapphire]

Hang in there, guys; I can relate to what you're saying, and believe it or not, there will be a time when all of this will pass... .:D

The recovery process is a long journey, but you will get there too. Just remember all that you have learned, and use it wisely...

Peace,

~SD~

[Niceguy]

Since I am married, I was only friends with my BP, but since she moved away, I do miss her and and I have to admit that I do love her as well. However, it wasn't an adult relationship as my T would say, so there is no future in it.  I am starting to look at it a little more rationally now, with less emotion. I think by admitting that you do love and care about these people helps in the healing process, but you have to realize that nothing good would have come from a continued relationship/

[Skippy]

I think by admitting that you do love and care about these people helps in the healing process, but you have to realize that nothing good would have come from a continued relationship

Its a tough concept, but it is really true in my case too.

[Niceguy]

The feelings I had for my BP friend were very intense, that's how I knew something was wrong.  After we had played a concert together, I hugged her and couldn't help kissing her ( just on the forehead!).  It felt as if a lightning bolt had gone through me. I guess I "loved" her as an alcoholic "loves" alcohol, or a gambling addict "loves" a slot machine.  There is love there, but also an underlying addiction that is not healthy. The slot machine or alcohol does not love you back in any meaningful way, but you still get attached to them! You need your affection to be returned for a healthy relationship. It was lucky I still had my wife to go back to, although I am sure it damaged my marriage more than I realized.

[Jose]

What the hell is Skip babbling about yesterday?  Let me try this again... .

Closing  the Gap between your Intellect, Behavior, and Instincts

... .

If there is anything I can pass along it would be that if you are a non hoping / waiting for the emotions to extract you, good luck!  I think that only happens at rock bottom or near. You've gotta force that physical/behavior change and shift the dicussion from BPD to yourself.  Expect the gap to be discomforting for a while.

Alignment of Conflicting Emotions

... .

This is all seemed so complex to me... .until now.  Now I see it.  A BP relationship is really two... .the white one and the black one.  I guess this was all my struggle to grieve / recover from both of them.

... .

Thanks Skip, so true and comforting.

I reached rock bottom back in November 8th 2005. I actually tried to... .well did something stupid that fortunately didn't go through.

It was not until I reconcile my mind (intellectual response) with my feelings (emotional response) that I could let go of that 'idea' I had about my girlfriend.

I realize now that it was just my 'idealization' of that person that kept me into an unhealthy relationship/co-dependency.

Congrats for your recovery, I hope to keep reading your posts, those always helped me -and others-.