One Chance

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

This board is great.  Makes me feel like I am not losing my mind sometimes.  Anyway here is my question.  A couple of times what caused her to break up with me were things I considered really minor?

One time she sent me a text one evening to take the next day off work to go do something with her.  I told her I would have to check to see because I had appointments.  Well that was all it took, I got a scathing text that she never asks me to do that and she expected me to take the day off and how I don't care about her and we were done.

This last time we were going to go away for a weekend and she wanted to bring her dog.  she looked for places and could not find anywhere to go with the dog so I looked.  I found one place that cost more for the non refundable pet deposit than the actual room charge.  She broke up the next day because "I cared about money more than I cared for her".  Each time we broke up she refused to talk about it.  when I would ask to talk she would say we had nothing to talk about.

[Tincup]

This board is great.  Makes me feel like I am not losing my mind sometimes.  Anyway here is my question.  A couple of times what caused her to break up with me were things I considered really minor?

One time she sent me a text one evening to take the next day off work to go do something with her.  I told her I would have to check to see because I had appointments.  Well that was all it took, I got a scathing text that she never asks me to do that and she expected me to take the day off and how I don't care about her and we were done.

This last time we were going to go away for a weekend and she wanted to bring her dog.  she looked for places and could not find anywhere to go with the dog so I looked.  I found one place that cost more for the non refundable pet deposit than the actual room charge.  She broke up the next day because "I cared about money more than I cared for her".  Each time we broke up she refused to talk about it.  when I would ask to talk she would say we had nothing to talk about.

[fromheeltoheal]

It's easiest when trying to make sense of the behavior to think of that of a young child.  Children will suddenly blurt out they hate you and it's absolute, never going to talk to you again, then after some ice cream or whatever, it's like nothing happened.  And of course none of what really went on for the kid in their head is ever discussed, mostly because they don't yet have the awareness to really know, and also because sharing openly like that is just too scary.  Plus children are impulsive; they want what they want right now, and you need to drop everything to make it happen.  Sound familiar?  There is a clinical basis for it too, in that a borderline stops maturing when the original trauma that created the disorder happens and the disorder begins, although they get really good later in life at parroting things and sounding like adults.

Tell me, did you ever have a heart to heart, adult to adult conversation with her?  I never did with mine, and if I pressed I got a barrage of accusation and deflection.  My take was she was absolutely committed to the facade she was creating, and if her cover was blown you would see her for who she really is and leave, and that is death to a borderline.

[heartandwhole]

Hi Tincup,

I can relate to your post, and it was very difficult for me to know what to do in the end.  I was so worried about triggering him (sometimes it was every several minutes for just a facial expression or comment), and the kicker was that it wasn't consistent, so I never knew if this would be the time that talking about X or Y would start a situation.

What is innocuous to us can be a major problem for someone with BPD, and take them back to a very painful time, as if it were happening now.  It's very sad and difficult to navigate for both parties. 

How are you doing these days?

[Tincup]

Tell me, did you ever have a heart to heart, adult to adult conversation with her?

I never had a heart to heart about her triggers. During this last recycle (and I think that is why it was our longest recycle).  I did try early on when tried to tell her how she made me feel.  For example when she wanted me to take the day off, I wasn't able to take the next day off but could the day after.  I thought that was perfectly acceptable but she broke up with me.

Heartandwhole-I am doing ok these days.  The thing that took it's biggest toll on me was the walking on eggshells and not knowing when I would get the treatment next.  Even the most minor thing would start the pull back.  And in our case it would take weeks to get back to where we were.  The stress was the worst part of the whole thing looking back

But right now it makes me A) not trust women and B)not want to put ANY EFFORT into a relationship.  I worked my ass off in this last one and KNEW it was not going to work out long term but I stayed anyway.

[Pretty Woman]

Honey,

  We've all been there. I convinced myself I must be a schmuck over these "breakups" and she is DONE never to return AGAIN.

It is sad and it ends up wounding us because we are already screwed up a bit to be with someone like this in the first place.

How about this one, since we are talking "war stories":

Mine told me she was ":)one" after I broke dinner plans. My best friend had just told me she didn't want to be friends anymore because I was gay. That hurt badly, and then to have the woman I was giving up these relationships for dump me coldly.

So wounding. I went to her house to talk to her and she was on the phone screaming: Now she's f'ing stalking me!

You could not reason with her. Everything on her terms.

This is NOT love. This is craziness. This is sad, unhealthy and un-natural.

I think we have all been through this one way or another.

[Pretty Woman]

Tincup,

   Another thing... .

I was talking to my therapist and actually made her laugh about this one... .

I could have been in a horrible car accident and held up in "traction" with broken limbs in the hospital and my ex would dump me because I was "not available".

They will dump you for any reason. There is no method to their madness, it's what suits them at the time.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Tincup, This is all quite familiar to me.  My BPDxW would make mountains out of molehills and characterize minor problems as catastrophes.  One time when she had an operation on her back I took a walk around the block for some fresh air while she was in surgery.  She later hit the roof when she learned that I hadn't remained in the hospital during her entire operation.  It was no big deal, but I had inadvertently played into her fears of abandonment -- even when she was unconscious during the operation!  Lucky Jim

[Ironmanrises]

I worked my ass off in this last one and KNEW it was not going to work out long term but I stayed anyway.

I could have written those exact words myself, and i am sure, many others on here too. It shows that we should have been working our a$$ off on ourselves(myself included), but that is a truly scary proposition when we have been conditioned(myself included) our entire lives to focus on the needs of others ahead, and ultimately to the very detriment of ourselves, in the process. A betrayal that compounds itself backwards and multiplies. And it hurts. I struggle with this. Hang in there.