Mom probably did have BPD my suspicions confirmed after talking with dxBPDsister

[Tsultan]

So, I had an interesting conversation with my sister last weekend.  I knew that my sister was diagnosed with BPD years ago and has received intensive treatment for her recovery.  It has helped.  I never really did talk to my sister about BPD until my r/s with my exUBPDbf broke apart.  I have been working really hard to try to end this cycle of attracting unavailable abusive men that I seem to attract and/or be attracted to.  Some may know from reading previous posts, my DxBPD sister had a big part in raising me. I was 10 years younger than her (I was the last of 5) and my UdxBPD mom had a habit of dropping her responsibilities onto us kids.

So, here is what I found out.  I knew my mom was abused as a kid but when my sister reminded me of the stories talked about by my mom about her suffering and being a part of and witnessing as a little girl growing up, suddenly I remembered vividly my mother talking about them a lot. That in and of itself is not a healthy thing to expose your children to.  Dumping your pain from your childhood onto your own children is not what a healthy parent does but so be it.  She did not have any way of knowing better.  I must have blocked all those memories out but as my sister was talking about them they all came back and brought me right into the moment of when my mother was talking about them.  These were not happy memories.

She witnessed her siblings being physically abused by her alcoholic father. My Uncle was thrown down the basement steps.  Finally, my grandmother got fed up with his drinking and abuse she kicked him out when he tried stealing her hard earned money from her. My one uncle was so messed up after being physically abused that he started to take his anger out and become violent too so he was eventually put into a home.  He may have had some brain damage due to the physical abuse.  My other Uncle used to torture cats.  He nearly drowned me when I was a little girl.  I was afraid of him after that and always kept a 50' min. physical distance from him.  He knew I was afraid of him too.  He used to jump at me to try to scare me. F'er! My Aunt was an alcoholic who used to drive drunk with all us kids in the car at night to go get more beer and she would pee herself and pity the poor passenger next to her.  (Thankfully, she did eventually get sober). My other Aunt had a "temper" and one night in a fit of rage, drove her car too fast  and struck a tree head on and she was killed at a very young age.  My other Uncle seemed to be most normal and kind.

My sister said my grandmother worked a lot and when she was home she was usually upstairs with another man while my mom and all my aunts and uncles fended for themselves cooking their own dinner and parenting their own selves.  Just lovely. This is really hard stuff to write about. 

So it's no wonder my mom was struggling emotionally.  My point is when I mentioned to my sister that I thought our mom had BPD and she agreed.  This confirmation really resonated with me and confirmed what I thought and I feel like it's an awakening for me.
In a way I feel like I have some understanding and closure to all that has happened me me as a child.

My mom raged a lot growing up.  There were slamming cupboards, slamming piles of bills down on the kitchen countertop, swear words that would make a sailor blush and silent treatment directed at me if I did something wrong. Very painful stuff.  My mom owned a '57 baby blue convertible cadillac that she used to drive around which I am sure to get attention.  That car was an attention getter.  At my wedding she wore a red dress, with red hat, red lipstick and red shoes looking like Princess Dianna walking through the church door. I was embarrassed and asked her to take off the hat.  My mom would always dress to the nines when my father and her went out.  She drank alcoholically and embarrassed me many times as a kid.  Passing out in front of my peers, getting kicked out of her role as a chaperone b/c she drank too much.  Cheating on my father with my uncle while I was home.  Disgusting behavior.  I am ashamed of her actions.

In some of my other posts I talked about how my mother would have me massage her feet for lengthy periods of time usually an hour or so, and I would brush her hair while she sat on the couch.  I cooked dinner most nights, peeled the potatoes, got the veggies ready and usually started the meat.  I cleaned the house weekly, emptied the ashtrays every day when I came home from school and I didn't even smoke! 

So, this is why I was fundamentally set up for attracting abusive, unavailable partners.  I have been conditioned to give until it hurts.

Granted I have made huge strides with codependency since attending al-anon meetings but I still have a ways to go b/c right out of a 24 year cold as ice marriage, and into a 3 1/2 year long on again off again r/s with my UBPDexbf I went. Maybe I was put into the last r/s to heal the wounds finally.  It sure has brought a lot of awareness to my FOO.  I always thought it was just alcoholism but I now know there were other things going on.

About that 3 1/2 year r/s with my exBPDbf:
I have been struggling to detach from it for just over 1 year now.  It has been a year in May on the 25th. It was a good milestone to make it through.  On occasion, when I run into him on the trail, he is the one who asks to walk with me, asks to get a bite to eat together and this starts to make me hopeful again.  I went to the Al-anon meeting last Saturday, the one I met him at and saw a girl sitting next to him.  I wasn't sure if there was some romantic energy between them but I sensed something and it made me very upset again.  He has no strings attached to me we have been apart for a year but it made me realize that he did play some part in my having hope again.  So, after some crying on Sunday I realized that I need to really make a concerted effort in keeping him from hurting me again.  I blocked him from my phone.  I doubt he will try to contact me anyway but it gives me a sense of comfort knowing that I have put up some defensive walls to keep him out of my orbit.  In reality, this push pull dance is still all happening between us even though we are no longer together.  I need to get off the dance floor and walk away.  If I see him on the trail, I will have to summon the strength inside me to keep up a barrier to keep him from my heart once again.  If we too have to reach a bottom,  I really believe that I have finally come to mine.  I no longer want to feel this pain anymore. 

I am going to talk to a new T on Monday.  One of her credential is working with BPD so I am hoping that she can help me.

My goals are:

1. Disengage from the r/s 100%.
2. Heal wounds from my childhood so I don't get into another painful r/s again.

I revisited the grieving stages again and it helped me to gain some perspective on how far I have come in a year, and what my journey has been through each of the stages.  And certainly for me they have not been linear.  I even recognized that I had started to grieve for my marriage well before it was over.  I recognized that I had done some bargaining, in both of the r/s's too.  As a matter of fact just very recently with my UBPDexbf about 3 weeks ago I brought up the idea of hanging out with him and planning a trip to NYC together and getting together with him once in awhile.  After all what could it hurt?   I can also see the bargaining I did with my exH during the last 3 years of our r/s I asked him to make a list of all the things I could do to change so he would be happy.  This list was long and some of the things were ridiculous.  Don't laugh but one of the things on the list was to dust off the tops of the door frames.    But I tried to make our marriage work 100% and gave my all and now I know I tried my best and I can walk away knowing that. It takes two.

Thank you for listening to my story.  It helps to process all of this and get it out of my system.  This is a very safe place to do this for me. 

You guys are supportive and get what it's like b/c you have been through it also and some have had it much worse than I have.  Thanks for being here.

Please do comment if you can.  I appreciate the feedback. 

  Tsultan

[Harri]

Hi Tsultan and welcome to PSI!  Good to have you here but it is not good that you need to be here if you know what I mean.

You went through a lot of stuff no child should ever have to experience.  Many of us can relate to at least parts of your story and I hope you will continue to share freely.  We get it.  some of us too are dealing with romantic relationship issues as well.  The dysfunction and the learned behaviors gets passed down and it is quite common to have adult relationship issues that somewhat resemble your relationship with your FOO.

In a way I feel like I have some understanding and closure to all that has happened me me as a child.

I am glad you were able to get this and can check some of the memories as they arise.  Validation from an outside source can be very helpful.  Do you think you will be able to continue to talk with your sister?  BTW, I am glad to hear she is doing well!

While reading about the memories that are surfacing for you I thought you might want to take a look at the Survivors Guide and the Survivor to Thriver Manual (download link is at the bottom of the survivors guide).  It has some really great information about the healing process and can give insight on how to work things through.

See what you think and maybe where you are on the Guide and let me know.  I would like to talk with you more.   I think working through the childhood abuse stuff will help you continue the emotional detachment from you ex.

I do have a question.  Do you have an idea of what you want to start working on regarding your FOO issues? 

[Cat Familiar]

Not only were there generational mental issues in your family, but also alcohol abuse. (Mine too). And you were raised by a BPD sister. It's no wonder that you gravitated toward relationships with men with PDs.

[Tsultan]

Hi Harri,  Thank you for your response.  Wow!  It's hitting home now.  It's real for me.  I took a beginning look at the Survivor's guide and for me I am at the remembering stage.  I will use this tool to help me process the memories so I can feel them and let them go.  I really want to get rid of the shame I feel that my mother has passed down to me.  I am sick of feeling less than.  I know that I have struggled with self-esteem issues on and off my entire life and I have made progress but I really want them to all but disappear if that is possible. 

I like where it says: I can respect my shame and anger as a consequence of my abuse, but shall try not to turn it against myself or others.

I would say that I turn my shame towards myself on a daily basis.  This will take a lot of work to change. 

I will be able to talk to my sister yes.  She enjoys having a connection with family.  So do I. 
I do have a question.  Do you have an idea of what you want to start working on regarding your FOO issues?

I am glad you suggested the Survivor's guide.  I will begin working each step and I will process memories as the come up and feel them and let them go.  I will also ask for my Higher Power's help to guide me through the process and remove the shortcomings so that I can become who I was meant to be.  I feel like I am at step one, two and three. 

I hope that the new T will help me let go of some of the shame I feel from growing up in with a BPD mother too. 

The shame has no purpose really.  It just keeps me stuck.

I'll let you know how I make out with the new T.

Tsultan

[Tsultan]

Cat Familiar,

Yes, as icky as it sounds, apparently, I gravitate towards men with PD's.  Yuck and gross.  Hopefully, I can stop the cycle now.

[Cat Familiar]

Yes, as icky as it sounds, apparently, I gravitate towards men with PD's.  Yuck and gross.  Hopefully, I can stop the cycle now.

I did too. Thankfully my second husband is much nicer than the first.   

[Turkish]

So, this is why I was fundamentally set up for attracting abusive, unavailable partners.  I have been conditioned to give until it hurts.

Like what they told us in at-risk youth mentoring, "you don't know what you don't know."  That was a challenge to try something different than the same behaviors and reactions that landed them in the program in the first place.  You didn't know better.

The stories you tell are horrible and I'm sorry your family and especially you had to go through those things.  I'm glad that you're here to talk it out for support  

[Tsultan]

Thank you Turkish,

The reality of my childhood is really starting to hit me.  It was my normal so you don't really understand the severity of it until you really take a look back and say holy cow that's messed up.  I have been on this long and winding road trying to get to the bottom.  I have been in Al-anon for most of my life thinking it was alcoholism (which it was that too) but the BPD component is kind of new discovery for me. 

Tonight I had an appointment with a new T who specializes in BPD and I really connected with her.  She is going to be a good fit.  I am excited to take my recovery even further yet. 

Tsultan

[Harri]

Hi again!  I am glad you hit it off with your new T. 

What do you feel most comfortable with her for (sorry for the bad grammar there!).

How are you doing with integrating BPD into the picture regarding your past?  I know we have a few members here who benefit by going to al-anon and ACOA groups (Notwendy being one).

[Tsultan]

Hi Harri,
She specializes in BPD.  She said they are good people with great hearts but create havoc in peoples lives because of the disorder.  She asked all the right questions so I know she knows about the symptoms of the disorder. She said a lot of counselors won't take BPD clients on because they think they are too difficult to work with but BPD clients are her passion.  I don't feel judged.  I feel comfortable opening up to her.  This is a really good thing for me.  Sometimes while sitting there talking to other therapists I sit there thinking "I wonder what this person thinks of me, they must think I'm this or that."  With her I don't worry about that.  I feel safe.

I am processing the newness of it.  It really adds a new element to my recovery.  I would really like to go into this more.  I need to get to bed because I have to go into work early tomorrow and it's time for me to get some sleep. 

I am feeling like some of my shame might be able to lift.  Feeling relief.  Feeling hopeful.

I will answer your question more as soon as I am able.

I appreciate you asking because I have been processing this new element and I have some thoughts to share.

Tsultan

[Tsultan]

Hi Harri,  To answer your question about how I am integrating BPD into the picture regarding my past:

For me it has brought some stark awarenesses into my reality.  It make a lot of sense now why my mother raged so much growing up and how that affected me.

So now, I know what I have to work with and how to go forward.  The family alcoholism factor didn't quite take me to the real issue.  I sensed there was more depth to my recovery because I seemed to have hit a bit of wall in the Al-anon program in regards to my self-esteem.  Now, I am thinking it's a deeply routed sense of shame that I need to overcome.

I can also see that she used me as her object to fulfill her needs ie; the times she would ask me to brush her hair several times a week, and massaged her feet.  I'm a bit angry and pissed off with her about that at the moment. 

The difficult part for me is how it shaped me for who I am today.  I am going to have to guard myself against future partner who might take advantage of me like these last two did.  I know not all of my bf's took advantage of me.  I think I just had a rough go of it with the last two.

Al-anon (adult child) meetings do help but we only scratch the surface there with the deeper issues. I do have a sponsor who is great for working through those with.  The meetings are a good reminder to work a program to keep me from slipping into co-dependency. 

The biggest struggle I have ahead of me is letting go of the shame that I have.  It's deeply rooted and I really want to shake it.  It's such a harmful and damaging emotion.  I am sick of carrying it around with me. It's not my shame. I am really hoping my new T can help me do this. 

My goal is work through the reasons why I am carrying the shame around, who it belongs to and keep it from blocking from me becoming the person I was intended to be. 

Tsultan

[Harri]

Hi Tsultan!  Sorry i did not get back to you sooner. 

I don't feel judged.  I feel comfortable opening up to her. ... I feel safe.

I am so glad to read this! 

Now, I am thinking it's a deeply routed sense of shame that I need to overcome.

I have shame still though i got out from under a lot of it.  it is hard work but so worth it.  Do you think there is one core shame issue you might find and start working from there?  It worked that way for me, though the threads of shame permeated every part of me.

The difficult part for me is how it shaped me for who I am today.  I am going to have to guard myself against future partner who might take advantage of me like these last two did.  I know not all of my bf's took advantage of me.  I think I just had a rough go of it with the last two.

    This is the reality sinking in like you said.  The good news is that you can learn and strengthen yourself and heal so that yes, some of this stuff may be with your for life, you can cope with it and it does not have to be a huge thing that you have to deal with.  It can just become a part of you and by that I mean a part that you can handle.

My goal is work through the reasons why I am carrying the shame around, who it belongs to and keep it from blocking from me becoming the person I was intended to be.

Wonderful!  Between your T, al-anon, your sponsor on top of your own insight and determination... well, look out world! 

[Tsultan]

Harri,   

 

Thank you.