Breadcrumbs and they do come back

[Lostinanother]

Hello Everyone,

A while ago this website helped me to gain clarity and I received a huge amount of helpful advice and support so I wanted to give my 2 cents to some of the people who might be going through the **** that I went through... .

After 5 months of cutting all contact with my ex, I received the inevitable reach out. All of which were ignored.

(1)
Hi
I know I’m the last person you want to hear from but I wanted to know you were happy.

(2)
Why are you ignoring me?

(3)
It’s okay, then I won’t bother you anymore.

(4)
If you’re happy, then that makes me happy too.

... .

So, as you can see, after 5 months, after all the lies and all the cheating and all the awful head games, no apology and no acceptance of any wrong doing at all... .And looking at her Facebook it looks as though she is having trouble with the replacement.
Ignoring the messages were the best thing I could have ever done.

I’m in a new relationship now with a wonderful woman and it’s difficukt for me to trust after the trauma of what I went through, however moving on was the best thing I could ever have done... .

So to everyone going through this, you must move on a realise that these people will never change no matter how many months pass... .

[Turkish]

I'm glad that you are happy in a new r/s 

2 years after I saw signals of doom with my ex and the guy she left me for and married, so cocksure at the time that she would finally be happy in a new life with this guy.  A little over a year ago she asked to come back, still married to him but separated. He never knew and still doesn't. He's not smart enough to realize rat he was freed.

I was freed, as much as how that played out sucked. 

[juju2]

Thank you for your shares. I have a bad trait that i find it hard to give up.  If he came back, i would take him.  Last week he was in the hospital and since he told me whete he was, i dropped off a plant at the nurses station.  Ended up meeting him on the elevator, he asked me to go to outside sitting area where he could smoke.  When we got there, he didnt say, thank you for coming to see me, he said, you surprised me.  In a bad way.  So even when i think am being kind snd compassionate, am always doing the wrong thing.
I Finally saw it.  I am never able to do something acceptable.  Its that simple... .and when we lived together, he never had to work in 107 degree heat, work when he didnt want to.  And all of the support he got, i guess it meant nothing.  Oh well.  At least i saw it. 

[Husband321]

Hello Everyone,

A while ago this website helped me to gain clarity and I received a huge amount of helpful advice and support so I wanted to give my 2 cents to some of the people who might be going through the **** that I went through... .

After 5 months of cutting all contact with my ex, I received the inevitable reach out. All of which were ignored.

(1)
Hi
I know I’m the last person you want to hear from but I wanted to know you were happy.

(2)
Why are you ignoring me?

(3)
It’s okay, then I won’t bother you anymore.

(4)
If you’re happy, then that makes me happy too.

... .

So, as you can see, after 5 months, after all the lies and all the cheating and all the awful head games, no apology and no acceptance of any wrong doing at all... .And looking at her Facebook it looks as though she is having trouble with the replacement.
Ignoring the messages were the best thing I could have ever done.

I’m in a new relationship now with a wonderful woman and it’s difficukt for me to trust after the trauma of what I went through, however moving on was the best thing I could ever have done... .

So to everyone going through this, you must move on a realise that these people will never change no matter how many months pass... .

This is so true.  After 6 months my wife who disappeared and moved across the country started reaching out, and suggested we spend the summer together. As if nothing happened. She was upset when I told her I had a gf .

[gilac]

Thank you for sharing this Lostinanother   Glad to see someone moving on with lots of fate in himself. Wishing you all the best in the current relationship.

[tlc232]

Good evening, all --

Husband321 -- I've been trying to do the no contact myself and feel better when I am in that phase too.   You mentioned that you had a hard time trusting people (same here after 14 years and a full-fledged unBPDSO).   Did you tell the new GF that you had a past relationship with a person with a mental disorder or how do you deal with that while moving on? 

Even after 9 months apart, I am still amazed at 1) what I put up with and 2) the inability for the BPD to see anything but themselves even after all of this.     He also asked to come back and I got a second dose of rage when I said I didn't think it was in my best interest --- or his.   

I love when people post success stories... .some days are infinitely better, but some are still just depressing when I try to put myself back together in so many ways after so many years of pure abuse... . 

[Husband321]

Good evening, all --

Husband321 -- I've been trying to do the no contact myself and feel better when I am in that phase too.   You mentioned that you had a hard time trusting people (same here after 14 years and a full-fledged unBPDSO).   :)id you tell the new GF that you had a past relationship with a person with a mental disorder or how do you deal with that while moving on? 

Even after 9 months apart, I am still amazed at 1) what I put up with and 2) the inability for the BPD to see anything but themselves even after all of this.     He also asked to come back and I got a second dose of rage when I said I didn't think it was in my best interest --- or his.   

I love when people post success stories... .some days are infinitely better, but some are still just depressing when I try to put myself back together in so many ways after so many years of pure abuse... . 

That's the problem with break ups.  You can't really go around saying "my ex was BPD.  She was disordered. Etc"   So many people I feel blame every break up on a "crazy ex" etc.

I told my current gf she was just a runner, and told her some of the things that happened.

What helped me was actually seeing how she wanted to come back like nothing at all happened. It sort of made me realize just how disordered she is. And with the space I can't believe I was living a life like that before.

I think it's impossible to fully trust anyone over a period of years and decades. But I know that probably no matter who I date it would not be nearly as bad as my BPD ex when it comes to a lack of faithfulness. (Sexting,, exes, Craigslist, sugar daddies, other women, younger men, old men, ) etc.

[Cromwell]

Is part of the coming back as if nothing happened a form of memory confabulation/distortion on their parts?

I often feel as if all that hurt ive carried, id confront my ex nowadays and she would trot out some of her more common phrases such as "i dont even remember".

I thought at first she did that just to make it hurt more, but there are times I wonder if there is some active memory distortion going on.

Nothing wrong with her memory when it comes to holding grudges over people since time began, but again, maybe those grudges are also distorted memories too, that remove her from having any contribution.

[gilac]

My ex was afraid of the fact that I have excellent memory (I even remember the exact dates from my private life).

As time progressed I could see her struggle in her lies/lack of memory. And I don't talk about things that happened years ago, she often "couldn't remember" things that happened just recently. This was always confusing to me. Whenever she would talk about something wrong she did she couldn't remember the time frame, yet,  when it came to the devaluation phase, she attacked me with every single word I said during our relationship that she didn't like. She remembered every single word in order to use it against me.

I remember once during her millionth conversation about her exes she told me "Well, I was ending up with those guys in between my ex and you just because of my menstrual cycle, I tend to be horny in those times, but I hate them and wouldn't end up with them in other circumstances." Well, I just told her I didn't know that she had an ability to have her period twice a month and she blushed because I caught her in lying.

That's the problem with break ups.  You can't really go around saying "my ex was BPD.  She was disordered. Etc"   So many people I feel blame every break up on a "crazy ex" etc.

After all she did to me, I don't bother not to tell the real story. I do get the roll eyes first but then I mention the self-harm and other serious stuff and the jaws just drop. I don't need to tell the full story after that because people do get me serious because of those few facts.
After all she did to me and made my job and studies suffer from her behaviour, I really don't bother to tell anyone just in a few words all the worse things she put me trough. I always hated when men tend to use that usual "she was crazy" story and I do want to distance from that and point out that I did went trough something serious but that I don't hate her or women in general because of what happened.

[tlc232]

That's the problem with break ups.  You can't really go around saying "my ex was BPD.  She was disordered. Etc"   So many people I feel blame every break up on a "crazy ex" etc.

It's funny you put it this way -- I remember friends that would say this (simply so and so was crazy... .etc) and I would think "how could you not know this"?   And here I am after 14 years and didn't have a clue as to what the heck was wrong with him other than it started normal... .flags should have been all over the place   , but I felt bad; guilty and too tired to do anything about it.   I felt like I was giving up on a person who had no other family/options.    Maybe after caring for my late husband who had terminal cancer (years just before this horrible relationship) played into this... .because I don't think I would have done it if I wasn't already emotionally damaged from losing someone I greatly cared about who was great to me... .and then the high points of this relationship when it started.   

What helped me was actually seeing how she wanted to come back like nothing at all happened. It sort of made me realize just how disordered she is. And with the space I can't believe I was living a life like that before.

Wow.   Same here -- I got my "I made a mistake and want to come back" just after finding out about a long-term (over a year) relationship he was having with a married woman that I was too busy working my fingers to the bone to even care about.     It was surreal because he still makes it sound like he is forgiving ME and would allow things to go back.    I too had that same realization and it was still shocking to me HOW bad he really was and how bad my life truly was too.     

Is it possible that they don't have a mental disorder and are just complete raging a-holes.   I do wonder that from time --- textbook issues or not.   

[Husband321]

 

Is it possible that they don't have a mental disorder and are just complete raging a-holes.   I do wonder that from time --- textbook issues or not.   

I agree. Sometimes framing it as a mental disorder puts the onus on us to help them. Which makes things worse.

I also struggled with trying to figure out which things were conscious sociopathy and manipulation.  And which were just the impulsive part of her "disorder".

[Cromwell]

I agree. Sometimes framing it as a mental disorder puts the onus on us to help them. Which makes things worse.

I also struggled with trying to figure out which things were conscious sociopathy and manipulation.  And which were just the impulsive part of her "disorder".

I noticed a far nastier side to my ex when she started to involve herself in the company of those id put down as those types, sociopathic. Could it be the chameleon nature of the condition means that it is these traits picked up from those types that simply get appropiated and resultantly played out? As opposed to these traits being innate.

[juju2]

Hi family,  what gets me, he would call me out on just about anything/everything.  And i didnt reciprocate.  What i have noticed is his inability to fulfill on anything he days he will do.  Idk if that is the disorder, history of alcoholism, child of alcoholics, or something else... .even with that, i still care deeply about him. 

He emailed me last nite, will it be ok if he calls today.  I said sure.  When he has called me in the past, it has been either something he needs or something he will need.  it is difficult.  If i didnt already care so much for him, if a nrw guy acted like this, i would have nothing to do w him.

This is a new awareness.

Thank you for reading, j

[Husband321]

I noticed a far nastier side to my ex when she started to involve herself in the company of those id put down as those types, sociopathic. Could it be the chameleon nature of the condition means that it is these traits picked up from those types that simply get appropiated and resultantly played out? As opposed to these traits being innate.

True.   My ex had a very toxic mom and sister.  Both single and will be forever.

She labeled them toxic and vowed to not associate with them as they are out to ruin her life.

But as soon as one of them would call, and she would see them, my ex would then just want to be single. Men are bad.  I am bad.  Being single is far better etc. Her mom suggested she be a stripper/ sugar babybecause she has a nice body.

So yes.  They pick up traits and ideas from whom they are around. Which makes it nearly impossible to be with someone with BPD who also has a family like that.