Confused again

[louise 716]

It's been almost 3 months since son said he didn't want to have contact with any family members; particular me - mother - UNTIL I can acknowledge what I did. Problem is ... .   I didn't do anything. As you probably are aware, to apologize would be to apologize YET AGAIN. For years, we all have had to apologize for transgressions son and UBPDw feel they are owed.  This has got to stop.

I must admit it is wonderful not having the drama in our life.  Before son's uBPDw came into the picture we were, relatively speaking, an emotionally healthy family and didn't have this type of ridiculous drama. Talk about applecart upset!

So I guess my question is, do I just wait it out or give him/her what they want? HE chose NC with us ... .   not the other way around.

Like someone on here wrote before, him choosing no contact with us is more a matter of survival for him ... .   nothing necessarily personal directed at us. So if I go by that line of thinking ... .   then I just need to let him be?

If I choose to not give the apology how bad is that? I was talking to my primary care physician awhile ago about this situation. He understands the situation and his attitude is to apologize for nothing is like "compromising" myself. Not his word exactly, but that's what it amounted to.

And I don't mean to sound like I am digging my heels in and WON'T give son what he says he wants ... .   as you all know, this situation is NEVER ENDING and there will ALWAYS be another apology demanded for something. And remember, I didn't do anything.  Son of course FEELS I did, and I realize that is the issue.

Thank you for any clarity anyone can lend.

[isshebpd]

Do they have children?

[louise 716]

No children. Not pregnant.

[isshebpd]

Glad to hear, hopefully she won't get pregnant and trap him for life. I also hope I didn't upset anyone by saying this :P

The problem is with your DIL not anyone else. I agree with your physician, don't apologize. Your son needs to wake up on his own, before its too late.

[louise 716]

Thanks for your input. As much as my children have blessed me and brought me joy, sadly, I hope together they do not have children.

Sounds like you might be speaking from experience.

[isshebpd]

Yes, I have a uBPDmom (my T thinks she has it) who has gone on smear campaigns against many relatives, including her now deceased MIL.

When she starts hating someone, its near impossible for her to stop. She actually "forgave" her MIL in the last few weeks of her life. This is pretty much the exception to the rule.

Even when she regrets cutting someone out, she can't bring herself to deal with it. She even shifts blame and says the other person started it... .   after she'd been bashing them for years.

You can't win.

[louise 716]

Isn't this (BPD) so sad? It effects soo many people in many different ways.  Such a heartache.

So sorry you have a mom with it.

[isshebpd]

Yes, BPD is a whirlwind of destruction. I feel bad that your family is now exposed to it too.

[louise 716]

Thanks.  Yup - it does suck indeed.

[GeekyGirl]

My mother does this too, louise716, and I know how frustrating it can be to have her demand an apology for a perceived wrong. It's very painful. 

My T has said that in the person with BPD's (pwBPD) eyes, something did go very wrong. Sometimes, though, even the pwBPD can't explain why he/she feels upset and may not understand what's behind the intense anger and hurt.

With my mother, I've asked her to clarify what she's feeling and how she saw things. If, through that, I find that I did do something wrong, I will apologize. Otherwise, I'll tell her (through SET) that my intention wasn't to hurt her and ask her what we can do to make the situation better. I agree with your doctor that an empty apology doesn't really do any good for either of you in the long run.

If your son is NC to take a "time out," then you should respect that. Otherwise, I'd let him know in some non-intrusive way (card, e-mail, whatever format seems appropriate) that your door is open to him and that you care about him.

[louise 716]

Thanks, Geekygirl.  Sometimes it seems hard to figure out the rationale behind his chosing NC.  He wrote he he has chosen NC with us (sibs and mom but not dad) until we see the error of our ways and apologize for it. Is that because he needs a time out.

DH met with son last night.  First time they have seen each other since beginning of January. Son lives local.  This was precipitated by son driving by the house over the weekend and seeing "new to us" car in the driveway.  He went to my husband's work the day before to ask about the car.  Son went over all the same old hurts from before. Some stuff he doesn't even have the facts on so he has perceived those things as hurts.  DH wasn't sure as to the facts so he couldn't even set him straight.  Thoughtless gifts given by siblings, I did this for other son's girlfriend but not his wife, we don't help son and his uBPD enough, ... .   too numerous to go on. Son said his wife is "done with us all" ... .   I may not have the quote correct but that is the gist of it.

[GeekyGirl]

At the heart of BPD is a strong fear of abandonment. Sometimes someone with BPD is so afraid of abandonment (emotional or physical) that he/she will actually push away the person or people who mean the most to him/her. I know that sounds counter-intuitive, but it's sort of a "I'm going to push away because I don't have the courage to work out conflict." The silent treatment is a way of avoiding conflict and responsibility.

Your son might be taking a time out. He probably is feeling hurt, but that doesn't mean that you've done anything wrong. It could be that he perceives that you've done something wrong, or that he knows that he's afraid and hurt, but can't figure out why. Have you had a chance to read this article yet: BPD BEHAVIORS: Silent treatment - verbal abuse.? There's some good information there.

How did your DH respond to your son's "hurts"? Did anything that your son say shed any light on the situation?

[louise 716]

My husband basically just listened to son airing all of his "hurts."  DH said it was like son was 13 years old.  DH said conversation was kind of like a pressure cooker ... .   finally son could say what he wanted including this comment to his father: "I expected more from you.  You should've kept your wife in line and your other children."  This was the first time they have spoken in almost 4 months so DH was just trying to keep the door open.

Abandonment: So ... .   if the underlying fear is abandonment, if they are NC with us, it seems like a sticky wicket. The don't want contact with us ... .   but if we honor that request (including no cards at birthday's, anniversary, Christmas etc) then they say "see, I knew it. They don't love us."  I want to think the majority of this is coming from uBPDson'swife because she is an only child and son comes from larger family.

Thanks for the link to the silent treatment article.  I appreciate that.  Interesting reading.  I need to read it several times over to digest the meat of it.