New here. Anxiety from past abuse is spilling out of me. Looking for support.

[Sil63]

Hello all,
I am a daughter who has been raised by BPD mother.  I have been verbally, physically,  and sexually abused. I'm now 54 and its finally spilling out of me with so much anxiety I can't stand it. I love my mother but I live with so much guilt for not wanting to even be around her. I hope this site will be a help in understanding her mental illness and helping me cope.
Thanks.

[Turkish]

Hi Sil63,



We will certainly support you here,  I'm glad that you found us 

What's your contact situation with your mother right now,  and what has led up to you not wanting to be around her? Was she the one that sexually abused you or was she an enabler? We have members here who fit both of those situations... .we are a safe and anonymous community here and we will support you.

Turkish

[heartandwhole]

Hi Sil63,

I’d like to join Turkish in welcoming you. I’m sorry to hear that you are suffering from anxiety due to past abuse. That is so difficult to bear. 

You found a community that understands. When you are ready, tell us more of what you are dealing with.

We’re here for you.

heartandwhole

[Kwamina]

Hi Sil63

I'm joining Turkish and heartandwhole in welcoming you here

I am very sorry you suffered all that abuse and are now dealing with a lot of anxiety issues as a result.

Many of our members have found themselves struggling with anxiety and also with feelings of guilt as you describe.

The resources on this site and reading and participating on these message boards can be very helpful.

Was there perhaps a specific trigger that led to it finally spllling out of you now with so much anxiety?

How much contact do you currently have with your mother?

Take care and I hope to read more of your story later when you feel ready for it

The Board Parrot

[Harri]

Hi and welcome!  Glad you found us.  So many of us can relate.  I know I can.  I am 52 and have been in therapy for about a year and a half for anxiety, panic attacks, PTSD.  My mother was mentally ill and abused me emotionally mentally and sexually.  As Turkish said, there are several of us who have experienced sexual abuse (not all by our mother's tho) and everyone here has or is dealing with a disordered person.

I hope you feel comfortable to share more of your story.  I have benefited greatly by reading and posting on the boards even before I was in therapy.  The understanding and acceptance I received here has been remarkable and quite healing.

[Sil63]

Thank you.  My mother wasn't the person who sexually abused me but she certainly was a enabler.  I do start therapy tomorrow so hopefully slowly I can deal with all these feelings.  I still have contact with my mom and spend time with her a couple times a month plus  lots of phone calls.i do love my mother but I have been her emotional crutch pretty much most my life. I feel a lot of guilt because she has nobody to do things with or talk to. So guilt is a major issue I deal with as crazy as sounds.

[Panda39]

So guilt is a major issue I deal with as crazy as sounds.

Hi Sil63,

You having issues with guilt is not crazy at all.  Guilt is very common among all of us with someone with BPD in our lives, you are not alone there.  People with BPD often use Guilt as emotional blackmail to get things they want.  We use the term FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) or emotional blackmail.

More on FOG... .
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=82926.0

Does this sound like something familiar?  I have definitely seen FOG used on my significant other's (SO's) daughters by their undiagnosed BPDmom.

Panda39

[Kwamina]

Hi again Sil63

How are things now?

I am glad you are getting help now to process all the difficult things you've been through so you can heal and move forward.

Take care

The Board Parrot