daughter in law

[Depression = 72% of members]

My son and I have always had a very close relationship. As of eleven years ago, I am the only immediate family member left besides my daughter who is 27 yrs old and has classic autism. His brother and dad died tragically. We have many supportive extended family members.

He married a girl whom has offended everyone in our extended family. I did not understand. She was somewhat demanding and definitely picky and I just did whatever she asked when I could. They did have a child and I was so excited and I was basically the only one allowed to be part of it. Most of my son's friends were blocked out and then the extended family and now me and my autistic daughter. I started researching and read about borderline personality disorder. When I finally saw her act like a manic and be so awful that I could not be in the same room with her, I told my son, this is not normal behavior. He said, she was on medication since the age of twelve and she tried to kill herself three years ago. That has been four months ago and so I have not seen the grandbaby since then and my son and I have fought over it and the pain is almost unbearable. But now, I see, I am past the pain and at a point where I am trying to understand. This girl is sick and needs help and very possibly my son is also very sick. We have been through a lot.

[sadgma]

My son and I have always had a very close relationship. As of eleven years ago, I am the only immediate family member left besides my daughter who is 27 yrs old and has classic autism. His brother and dad died tragically. We have many supportive extended family members.

He married a girl whom has offended everyone in our extended family. I did not understand. She was somewhat demanding and definitely picky and I just did whatever she asked when I could. They did have a child and I was so excited and I was basically the only one allowed to be part of it. Most of my son's friends were blocked out and then the extended family and now me and my autistic daughter. I started researching and read about borderline personality disorder. When I finally saw her act like a manic and be so awful that I could not be in the same room with her, I told my son, this is not normal behavior. He said, she was on medication since the age of twelve and she tried to kill herself three years ago. That has been four months ago and so I have not seen the grandbaby since then and my son and I have fought over it and the pain is almost unbearable. But now, I see, I am past the pain and at a point where I am trying to understand. This girl is sick and needs help and very possibly my son is also very sick. We have been through a lot.

[swampped]

Dear sadgma:  I am so sorry that you find yourself here, but want to welcome you to this family---we truly do understand!  You will find many grandmas here who are also sad---and somehow that has been a great comfort to me.  A few questions:  How old is your dear son(ds)?  The grandchild?  Do you live close by?  What kind of support do you have for this situation, as well as for your daughter (dd),  who certainly needs special attention?  Have you spoken with anybody (a therapist, maybe (T)) who confirms your suspicions that this is BPD?  And before I forget, please go over to the board on parenting a son or daughter with BPD---there are many grandparents on that board, and I have learned so much about my ex-dil's (ex daughter-in-law) problems, going way back to her adolescence, and how she thinks and how what I say or do triggers her---so many helpful things! 

Our son met his ex-wife, she became pregnant, had a beautiful baby girl 6 years ago (gd6).  They married three months after the baby was born, and moved 350 miles away to be near dil's other two children who were in their father's custody.  Our journey with BPD has been long and painful, but I can tell you that you can learn to deal with this, and to live with the fact that you cannot change things for your ds--only he can do that.  I am convinced that our children do what they have to to survive.  When it was absolutely clear to my dh (dear husband) and me that he should leave, take the baby---whatever our guts told us at the time---we had to learn to accept the fact that we could not control him or her, or their situation.  What a painful lesson!  This was complicated by the fact that our ds has a developmental disability, and basically works at minimum wage jobs, so  cannot support himself  or  his daughter without help.  So we send money, and live with the guilt/pain of enabling the situation.  At any rate, that is enough about our problems.   I would encourage you to read, read, read the material here, and on the parenting board.  "I Don't Have to Make Everything All Better" by the Lundbergs has been a lifesaver for me.  And Al-anon has been extremely helpful in teaching me how to detach with love---we found it because of some drinking issues our ds had, which fortunately have resolved, but it has been a tremendous source of support for dh and me as we deal with the BPD. 

Share as you feel comfortable.  Know that you have friends here, and there will be others along to welcome you.  In the meantime, you will be in my thoughts and prayers.       swampped

[sadgma]

Thank you for replying. My ds is 32 and the baby is fifteen months. They moved three hours away to be closer to his work. It seems that is a pattern here. His job entails travel so he moved where he could work in the office at some point. That was supposed to have already happened but has not yet. My dil treats me differently since the move. She was aloof but then she was sort of a bully and now there is no communication except for texts between my son and myself. But I think that is best right now until I get to a better place.

My dd works at a sheltered workshop M-F till three every afternoon. She is with me the rest of the time. I have very close family who will help if need be. I have very close friends also. I have not spoken with a therapist regarding this issue. I have had years of therapy since the death of my dh and first born son. A couple of my friends suggested I go to a T just in the last week or so. Then I decided to read about this disorder. I had been researching bipolar and things of that nature, but nothing really fit. When I read about BPD, it all adds up. Exactly what is read is her.

I also believe my ds is doing whatever he has to do to survive.

There is absolutely nothing I can do or say, I recognize that now.

I have never experienced anyone with that kind of behavior and my son would not listen to me at all. He has one thousand excuses for her behavior.

I have never been unable to reason with my son. He is smart, but not when it comes to women.

I will go to the parenting board and read as I can.

Thank you so much for sharing.