Is cyber-sex cheating?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

People are now using technology to get off on each other without ever meeting in real life.  And that's a real problem for people who want to have a relationship.

For me at least... .cybersex was a way to access some form of shared sexuality because there was absolutely noone who wanted to share that with me in real life.

I would never consider doing it if I had an interested partner instead, but an interested partner has been lacking for large swaths of my life.

Anyways - it is no longer even an option. As far as I know, all the channels that could previously been used to meet interested parties have gone defunct.

[DAS]

People are now using technology to get off on each other without ever meeting in real life.  And that's a real problem for people who want to have a relationship.

For me at least... .cybersex was a way to access some form of shared sexuality because there was absolutely noone who wanted to share that with me in real life.

I would never consider doing it if I had an interested partner instead, but an interested partner has been lacking for large swaths of my life.

Anyways - it is no longer even an option. As far as I know, all the channels that could previously been used to meet interested parties have gone defunct.

[TonyC]

i beleive if you are in a realtionship with someone... there is no outside sex talk, pictures or communications... .so i think it is a form of cheating...

i think it is humiliating to the partner if the s/o has the need to sex it up with someone else... any way shape or form

[BrienBear]

People are now using technology to get off on each other without ever meeting in real life.  And that's a real problem for people who want to have a relationship.

Its only a problem if someone in the relationship finds it to be a problem. Just because something is right for you doesn't make it right for everyone.

Blanket statements for the lose.

[hiddenlizard]

Is the activity kept secret? If yes then IMO it is cheating. So is porn and masturbation when it becomes a part of the "relationship" without the knowledge of one of the partners. I suspected for some time but had no real proof. Then after a little more than a year I found my stbx in front of his computer with a raging hard-on in the middle of the night. Of course it was all my fault because I went to sleep before midnight and when he NEEDS something he HAS TO HAVE IT! At times he has admitted to having an addiction. At other times he would say that he had to do it because I was "inaccessible". Gee, dude, I would be accessible if you were not an a-hole. Like what has already been said cyber-sex, porn, casual sex are all ways to avoid the sometimes difficult work of a real relationship IMO.

[GCD145]

The debate about whether it's cheating or not MISSES THE POINT.

It bothers the original poster.

He is within his rights to ask that it stop.  He should make the request clearly and directly.  If it does not stop, he has to decide whether or not he wants the relationship to continue.

GCD145

[DAS]

Is the activity kept secret? If yes then IMO it is cheating. So is porn and masturbation when it becomes a part of the "relationship" without the knowledge of one of the partners. I suspected for some time but had no real proof. Then after a little more than a year I found my stbx in front of his computer with a raging hard-on in the middle of the night. Of course it was all my fault because I went to sleep before midnight and when he NEEDS something he HAS TO HAVE IT! At times he has admitted to having an addiction. At other times he would say that he had to do it because I was "inaccessible". Gee, dude, I would be accessible if you were not an a-hole. Like what has already been said cyber-sex, porn, casual sex are all ways to avoid the sometimes difficult work of a real relationship IMO.

I began doing that towards the end. I'd have to sneak it in whenever I could when she wasn't around or in bed. My partner had absolutely no interest in being with me in that respect... .The last time we were intimate was the beginning of January which is also how long it's been for me without sex.

[hiddenlizard]

DAS,

I am sorry that you were being denied one of the best parts of a relationship.

I actually became fearful of my husband when he would do things that were troubling to me like covering up my face while we were making love. He did attempt to force me on more than one occasion. I told him if he did it again he would be leaving my house in handcuffs or a body bag. He never did it again. Simply saying "no" wasn't enough to convince him.

Porn had been a part of his life before he met me but he said he had it under control. Apparently he did not. I believe porn had a detrimental effect on how he expected a woman to respond (once he said he did not know that "kissing was mandatory" when I asked to be kissed more) and therefore a detrimental effect on how I did respond. This, obviously, was not how he interpreted it. He did not believe there was anything wrong with what he was doing so I was the one with the "problem". He also had been involved in other "cyber-sex" and "swinging". He admitted that the "taboo" nature of some of these things was a turn-on for him. The final conflict we had in my home involved his use of porn (women dressed to look like pre-teens as well as forms of sexuality that were demeaning and disturbing, I had asked to see what he spent his nights with... .) and an e-mail he showed me. He had been in contact with the "swinger" wife and told her he often thought of her while he made love to me.

Yes, intimacy can be a beautiful part of a relationship but this man's proclivities AND the long - held secrecy turned lovemaking into something ugly and sickening. It became just another power play for him, another way to feed his sick needs at the expense of the woman he claimed to "love" as well as any stranger he might encounter in cyber-space. He never asked my permission to make this a part of our relationship.

Sorry for the rant. As I am sure you can tell this is a sensitive topic for me. For me lovemaking is something very close to if not truly a sacred act. This scum that I married degraded my most intimate form of human contact with his illness.

[DAS]

DAS,

I am sorry that you were being denied one of the best parts of a relationship.

Sorry for the rant. As I am sure you can tell this is a sensitive topic for me. For me lovemaking is something very close to if not truly a sacred act. This scum that I married degraded my most intimate form of human contact with his illness.

Thanks hidden.

And ya - no worries. I wouldn't want to be intimate with someone who physically terrified me either... .

[2010]

People are now using technology to get off on each other without ever meeting in real life.  And that's a real problem for people who want to have a relationship.

Yep. "Must be present to win." That's the rules of the game of life... .If you dont want a relationship with anyone- then cyber-sex is a great tool (like a painkiller) for temporary loneliness that doesn't really solve the loneliness- but it gets you through to the next day. Wash, rinse, repeat. That's all I'm sayin.

If someone is in a relationship and doing this behind their partner's back- then its a coping mechanism for an internal problem that the relationship cannot fill.  Its not a shared problem that has a solution from a teamed partnership- that's why so many people go underground with it and hide it from their partner- suffering shame. The problem isn't the problem- the coping is the problem.  Emptiness usually remains.

[sarah1234]

I think there is such a fine line between cyber sex (perhaps webcam) and actually going ahead and doing it. That would concern me the most. One man may be happy to just do it once a year for his whole life, but a lot of men may take it further and further - and how would you know the difference, truely just with a promise? my ex had issues with his enjoyment threshold, and constantly had to push the boundaries to get a bigger fix/thrill. It began with webcam sex, and graduated to actively seeking real sex. I actually think that he didn't seek sex when he was single, because it was a bigger thrill to get it when you were in a committed relationship. I understand the mutual masterbation thing. I would just feel it was too far down the road of being tempted to do it for real. I wouldn't even see cyber sex as emotional cheating because masterbating on a webcam isn't emotional.

If I found out that a partner was engaging in long emotive/sexual emails with another person, I would feel cheated on.

I do not ever, ever use dating sites because of the above basically, and also the post about getting off on technology. And also lying, its too easy for people to create a whole fantasy world. I literally want to meet the guy doing his shopping in the frozen aisle, on a random day - not some false situation where I have a photo of me that is photoshopped, and the guy is overweight and his wife is asleep upstairs to have a strange, online, impersonal relationship with

[sarah1234]

People are now using technology to get off on each other without ever meeting in real life.  And that's a real problem for people who want to have a relationship.

Its only a problem if someone in the relationship finds it to be a problem. Just because something is right for you doesn't make it right for everyone.

Blanket statements for the lose.

I agree that it is totally, utterly personal choice.

I actually do not mind pornography, even if it is chosen to be hidden, I do not have any issues with it whatosever and wouldn't feel insecure - unless it was being used in a way that was inappropriate, instead of sex, or an addiction.

But a lot of my female friends detest pornography as it makes them feel degraded and awful. Each to their own x

[2010]

I literally want to meet the guy doing his shopping in the frozen aisle, on a random day - not some false situation where I have a photo of me that is photoshopped, and the guy is overweight and his wife is asleep upstairs to have a strange, online, impersonal relationship with

Great visual!   I think that *fantasy* plays a huge part in many cyber relationships... .and fantasy is logically (or illogically) derived from denial of reality.

[sarah1234]

I literally want to meet the guy doing his shopping in the frozen aisle, on a random day - not some false situation where I have a photo of me that is photoshopped, and the guy is overweight and his wife is asleep upstairs to have a strange, online, impersonal relationship with

Great visual!   I think that *fantasy* plays a huge part in many cyber relationships... .and fantasy is logically (or illogically) derived from denial of reality.

Ah but you forget, I possibly have the ':)isney' fantasy version of this going on here - meet guy across frozen pizza when we crash shopping trolleys = love at first sight = marriage  ;p

[hiddenlizard]

 Why would porn need to be hidden? IMO that is a big part of the problem.

My stbx is an addict, looking at porn for up to 4 hours in a day (this is his own admission) feeling the need to have "sex", which for him could be any form of stimulation, in order to relax. He was using porn and masturbation as a substitute for intimacy with a real person who loved him, as foolish as that might have been. He was using sex like a drug at the same time that he would tear other people to shreds for their use of alcohol or food or other substances. Now I know the relationship was indeed hopeless from the start but I feel like he used sex as a weapon. He would get angry with me, stay up late jacking off to some sick scenes, get pissed off because I accidentally woke him too early in the morning, and make a point of telling me how many times he had ejaculated the night before. Yeah, porn is such good, healthy stuff... .

Sarah - I met a guy on a ski chair lift the other day. We hit it off nicely. He is in the midst of a divorce. Maybe some time down the road... .who knows?

[man34]

Do woman get addicted to porn too... .is it less common... .

[Stratman]

I tend to think that it is. BUT, if there is not an intent to meet. Sticky. No pun intended.

[sarah1234]

Yeah, I think some women can get addicted to porn, but in the sense that they become addicted to the attention they get from being the ones men ogle and masterbate to, due to their low self esteem and possibly self harm aspects of it, or power.

There truely isn't much female orientated pornography about, because women just do not find the same visuals a turn on.

I do not find pornography a turn on, and times I have watched it I find it uncomfortable (does that girl want to be doing that? I question the deal. I can't just get into whats going on, because it is a fake set up and that doesn't do it for me)

Stories on the other hand are better for me, reading fiction is something I would enjoy.

I think a huge deal of totally normal healthy men hide porn from their partners because they think their partner would be offended and not accept it (and a lot of women do not accept it, but usually because its hidden!). I accept that it is actually ok to look, and that men are perhaps wired differently from women and they enjoy the visual aspect. Actually joining in is a big no no for me, but looking and fantasising on a healthy level I can deal with.

[BrienBear]

I think a huge deal of totally normal healthy men hide porn from their partners because they think their partner would be offended and not accept it (and a lot of women do not accept it, but usually because its hidden!). I accept that it is actually ok to look, and that men are perhaps wired differently from women and they enjoy the visual aspect. Actually joining in is a big no no for me, but looking and fantasising on a healthy level I can deal with.

This. Hammer, meet head of nail.

Fantasizing and masturbating are two very normal natural parts of our physiology. Anyone who argues differently knows nothing about human sexuality and basic psychology. It makes me giggle to read this thread because of all the armchair psychologists here. Porn is slightly different but 99% of women who are doing it want to do it. Read Jenna Jamison's autobiography. Its actually interesting and not at all what you'd think it was about. And thats coming from a gay man. :  

And yes, it IS normal to look at other people and find them attractive. That *DOES NOT* mean you can touch. Some partners allow their mates to flirt. There's nothing wrong with flirting AS LONG AS the mate is ok with it.

Ultimately the only thing that matters is the boundries that the two people in the relationship put there. Anything past that is inappropriate. Nor can anyone tell a couple what should and shouldn't be done in their bedroom nor their relationship. Relationships aren't one size fits all... .And no one is an expert on what should and shouldn't be done in a relationship.

[sarah1234]

Im not sure about 99%, but I am sure that the highly paid actresses have no issues with their job in pornography whatsoever!

Hardly any of the women out there on the internet now will find fame to Jenna's proportion and unfortunately a high percentage are very exploited. Its a well known fact that a lot of vulnerable and damaged women are part of the sex industry, especially through drug use, and I do not just mean prostitution-wise. I personally have a friend who ended up feeling she had no other choice but to take up an offer of being photographed with no clothes on in sexual poses by the guy who was selling her drugs, telling her it would pay off some of her debt that she was so badly trying to get out of. 15 years on and clean, she regrets this horribly and it has tormented her for a long time. She was also underage (but looked older)

In some aspects I DO have issues with the sex industry but that is a whole other debate and I do not want to hijack the thread!

[Backtome09]

That's definitely inappropriate behavior for anyone in a committed relationship.

Yup.

[LeroyBrown]

It's inappropriate and disrespectful - it doesn't matter if it's "cheating". Why would someone need to have cyber-sex with another person if they are in a committed relationship? If you're cool with your partner thinking about someone else while they're boning you, then by all means. As others have said, what do you think about it?

Is there anything about this that is gray? It's an easy way to get off with/on another person without having to go through the trouble of the "Mrs.Robinson routine". Relativism gets us into scary territory IMO.

In solidarity,

LB

[lifeisgoodx10]

I consider it cheating.