5.09 | "FOG" - fear, obligation, guilt

[FeelingBitter]

All,

I've been setting boundaries with a BPD person I've been advocating for. We were friends and then I became her advocate, and after being on the receiving end of some scary manipulative behavior, I decided to make our relationship more professional. I'm not announcing it or anything, but I've just kept our interactions more formal, am only contacting her through email, etc.

Well yesterday we were emailing back and forth about something to do with her case, and for the first time ever she thanked me for the work I've done for her. But it was in this manipulative, guilty tripping way:

"Thank you again for all your help with this. It's still hard but I really appreciate you and all the time you're wasting on me."

I'm not going to respond to it, but was just wondering is this common of BPDs/NPDs? I don't think she really appreciates my time - I think she is probably freaking out about feeling abandoned and wants to get a reaction from me. Thoughts?

[Naughty Nibbler]

HEY FeelingBitter 

Sounds like you made a good decision to stop the back and forth dialog with that particular email exchange.

"I really appreciate you and all the time you're wasting on me."

Her reference to "Wasting time on her" sounds like negative BPD thinking and perhaps she was fishing for some validation.  Could be that she is being sarcastic and unappreciative.  Pat yourself on the back for helping her, perhaps equate your effort to a random act of kindness. (only this person knows you, but can't properly appreciate you)

[Turkish]

She's asking to be rescued.  Waif. The sentiment, however,  sounds sincere. 

What's valid?  That you helped her and she's thanking you. What's invalid?  That she is a waste of time (shame: I'm a bad person who doesn't deserve to be helped)

Validate the valid (her gratitude) and invalidate the invalid (she wanting you to rescue her).

"No problem." Or,  "you're welcome."

[FeelingBitter]

She's asking to be rescued.  Waif. The sentiment, however,  sounds sincere. 

What's valid?  That you helped her and she's thanking you. What's invalid?  That she is a waste of time (shame: I'm a bad person who doesn't deserve to be helped)

Validate the valid (her gratitude) and invalidate the invalid (she wanting you to rescue her).

"No problem." Or,  "you're welcome."

Thank you so much. I responded with a "you're welcome" and then responded matter of factly about her case.

She then messaged me today asking me to skype with her. It seems like she's feeling desperate/abandoned. I'm going to continue setting boundaries. I am praying she gets the hint.

[Rock Chick]

I've been setting boundaries with a BPD person I've been advocating for. We were friends and then I became her advocate, and after being on the receiving end of some scary manipulative behavior, I decided to make our relationship more professional. I'm not announcing it or anything, but I've just kept our interactions more formal, am only contacting her through email, etc.

We (my bf and I) have been setting boundaries with our BPD person (his mother) too although she doesnt respect ones we made, doesnt follow them, etc. My wording sucks but anyways like our boundary about phone calls and how we dont like to have our phones blown up with calls and msgs left and we will only accept 2 calls each day when he is away from home rather he is spending the night at my house or we/he is away from the apartment.

Well yesterday we were emailing back and forth about something to do with her case, and for the first time ever she thanked me for the work I've done for her. But it was in this manipulative, guilty tripping way:

"Thank you again for all your help with this. It's still hard but I really appreciate you and all the time you're wasting on me."

I'm not going to respond to it, but was just wondering is this common of BPDs/NPDs? I don't think she really appreciates my time - I think she is probably freaking out about feeling abandoned and wants to get a reaction from me. Thoughts?

I believe it's common Idk if it applies to every every single BPD or BPD/NPD or NPDs though. I know with my bf's mother she is almost completely like you described. Although I dont believe most times when she says she appreaciates something or if she makes a positive comment towards us that she means it. She always has to get her way and she is always fishing for compliments and praise and ignores when we say positive stuff. We say 1 minor non positive or we dont praise her every hour or everyday she throws fits and tells her therapist we never have anything nice to say etc. She loves to play victim. I agree with everyone who has commented before me in reply to your post. Validate the valid but dont validate the invalid.

[Long_term_dad]

Boy, sometimes I need fog lights and a fog horn.

This thread really describes my state.  I sometimes find after a conversation with my other ("my BPD") I will literally need a day just to feel grounded.   This passage is an oldie (2008) but just as relevant today.  Anyone else need foglights?

To keep themselves safe from their loved one’s erratic and often abusive behaviors, family members give in on issues they actually feel strongly about. The BP’s emotional blow-up acts as a punishment; the non-BP giving in to prevent the punishment acts as a powerful reward. Over time, non-BPs have let their limits slide so far they can no longer be seen with the naked eye.