I got an E-mail from EXBPDW, and need to follow my own darn advice

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

So for anyone familiar with my story... .I am currently divorced (divorce final for many months now) from my exBPDW... .and I have been working on NC... though she has been attempting to engage me by sending me texts and e-mails etc... .but the most recent one, I read and it came in today... .she says

Dear Runningasfastasican,

You are treating me very badly and I do not deserve it, I have made mistakes and you should forgive me, afterall I have forgiven all of the evil things that you did to me, I have tried to be nice, but you owe me a phone call at least from time to time, after all we shared so much and it was not only my fault that our relationship failed, you bear some of the blame too, and you are being cruel in your refusal to even answer my texts, it is totally childish on your part.

I do want to say that I am sorry for how things turned out in our relationship, but I also feel that you owe me an apology as well and I am waiting for it... .I still think that we could be friends... .

                                 sincerely

                                   EXBPDW


So that's it the e-mail, that I came very close to responding to... .because to be honest my first reaction after getting it was a great big Heck... .I was tempted to respond... .but I will not... .all I can think is... .hmmm... .I am sorry my face was in the way of your fist... .I am sorry that I was standing in your way when you were madly chasing me with a knife, and a murderous look in your eyes... .I am sorry for every time my body got in the way of your physical strikes upon me... .or that my ears got to listen to all of your cruel tirades about my short-comings... .I am sorry that I supported you so completely for many years to my own detriment... .I am sorry I finally had to throw you out to preserve my and my child's physical and emotional safety... .So thinking about it... .I would not change my actions... .I did what I needed to do... .I can apologize for them to make you feel better... heck I am even willing to take the blame for the failure of our relationship 100%... .but what I will not do, and can never do... .is take my actions back or regret doing them... .I will never send you this letter... .because I refuse to respond to your e-mail... .responding to your communications only end up costing me both financially and emotionally and I am not going to do it anymore... .

So I guess I have posted my reaction here, and I am glad that I could vent, since her e-mail apparently upset me... .I am going to maintain NC... .but would really appreciate any responses... .if only to help in my resolve... .take care and thanks for reading this... .

[Runningasfastasican]

So for anyone familiar with my story... .I am currently divorced (divorce final for many months now) from my exBPDW... .and I have been working on NC... though she has been attempting to engage me by sending me texts and e-mails etc... .but the most recent one, I read and it came in today... .she says

Dear Runningasfastasican,

You are treating me very badly and I do not deserve it, I have made mistakes and you should forgive me, afterall I have forgiven all of the evil things that you did to me, I have tried to be nice, but you owe me a phone call at least from time to time, after all we shared so much and it was not only my fault that our relationship failed, you bear some of the blame too, and you are being cruel in your refusal to even answer my texts, it is totally childish on your part.

I do want to say that I am sorry for how things turned out in our relationship, but I also feel that you owe me an apology as well and I am waiting for it... .I still think that we could be friends... .

                                 sincerely

                                   EXBPDW


So that's it the e-mail, that I came very close to responding to... .because to be honest my first reaction after getting it was a great big Heck... .I was tempted to respond... .but I will not... .all I can think is... .hmmm... .I am sorry my face was in the way of your fist... .I am sorry that I was standing in your way when you were madly chasing me with a knife, and a murderous look in your eyes... .I am sorry for every time my body got in the way of your physical strikes upon me... .or that my ears got to listen to all of your cruel tirades about my short-comings... .I am sorry that I supported you so completely for many years to my own detriment... .I am sorry I finally had to throw you out to preserve my and my child's physical and emotional safety... .So thinking about it... .I would not change my actions... .I did what I needed to do... .I can apologize for them to make you feel better... heck I am even willing to take the blame for the failure of our relationship 100%... .but what I will not do, and can never do... .is take my actions back or regret doing them... .I will never send you this letter... .because I refuse to respond to your e-mail... .responding to your communications only end up costing me both financially and emotionally and I am not going to do it anymore... .

So I guess I have posted my reaction here, and I am glad that I could vent, since her e-mail apparently upset me... .I am going to maintain NC... .but would really appreciate any responses... .if only to help in my resolve... .take care and thanks for reading this... .

[seeking balance]

I am going to maintain NC... .but would really appreciate any responses... .if only to help in my resolve... .take care and thanks for reading this... .

This would be my favorite line in this - I am going to maintain NC - but appreciate any response - hmmmmmmm

Sorry you had to even deal with this Running. 

[waterrat]

Wow, that's just crazy   You did well not to reply.  It would get you absolutely nowhere, and you apparently know that    Besides forgiveness is not for the person that you forgive.  It is for you, you need not even tell them.  Just my opinion.

[Im.okay.now]

You do not owe her anything. Nice job on not responding. Maybe you can now trynotreading these in the first place. It's tough but doable

[TonyC]

im sorry she did this the time for apology and understanding...

was before the divorce documents were signed... .

there is no reason for you to repspond

let your silence serve as an answer... .

sorry again... .she shouldnt be asking you to rehash...

[Runningasfastasican]

Thanks everyone... .the e-mail really was simple yet so totally aggravated me... .I just have to follow my own advice and the advice so often placed here that I should not even open the e-mails... .after all I know that they are only going to be full of crap... .take care all and thanks

[beenburned]

Been NC for a month and go an email today.  I didn't read it as she is trying to bait me in.  I did reply and told her I was doing good and that I have moved on.  Also that she needs help to think that we could ever be friends.  I also told her just to be an A$$ to forget me like when she forgot that she was married when she left me.  I'm dateing now and they treat me like gold so I can be able to handle her now...

[JGM]

:-)

giving our advice (very sound and astute and wonderful) is SO much easier thank taking it :-)

Good job so far - validation all around for NC

[Runningasfastasican]

It really is  easier to give the advice than to take it... .today she totally blew up my phone trying to call and text me... .I totally deleted everything without reading or listening to any of it... .it is a little irritating because I find that it is like being chased by a BILL COLLECTOR... .so I am reacting that way in order not to respond... .that and I also made myself feel better by listing her legal options to force me to respond... it was a short list... .since there is nothing that compells or requires my response, as we are divorced and it has been final for months... .whew... .I know it will get easier... .its just stuff like this just makes me really cautious about dating again which is funny because I am fortunate to have plenty of opportunities now... .yet low inclination since I am finding myself worried about ending up with another BPD, and would rather be alone than go through that again... .take care all

[Im.okay.now]

great job runningasfastasican ! 

Keep up the good work ... .i'm rooting for you and know you are the exact right thing for you.

[Believe]

Good job venting here and not responding!    I completely see why you would be frustrated at this email.

I do NOT see this as a genuine apology or a mea culpa or an effort to take responsibility for her role in the demise of your relationship. Instead it's a very demanding and entitled -- both classic BPD -- message.

The closest she gets is when she says, "I have made mistakes." But she doesn't say "in the relationship" or "in how I treated you" or "that contributed to our problems" or anything that indicates remorse or responsibility or accountability, and she instantly turns that around into a demand from you: "and you should forgive me."

The "I have forgiven all of the evil things you did to me." Well, that's one of my favorite lines. I have no idea what your relationship was like, and I understand the general concept of forgiveness in order to heal, but what makes no sense is this: If someone is really and truly EVIL to you, would you seek contact with them in the future? Would you want them to call you? Would you want them to "try to be nice" to you? I wouldn't really want much to do with them at all, and certainly wouldn't want a "phone call from time to time."

I could go on, but the icing on the cake to everything is this failed attempt at an apology: "I do want to say that I am sorry for how things turned out in our relationship... ." This is not her taking any responsibility for how things turned out. She's just sad they are they way they are AND, to top it all off, she demands an apology from you.

I'm glad you chose this forum to vent your response.    I received a very similar email from my ex just 3 days ago, which many of the folks here helped me get through and it's the first time I haven't responded to him.

Be strong! Don't respond to her!

[2010]

Once upon a time, the line was crossed and whether or not it was ever acknowledged- that line ceased to exist. The relationship spread across the line of what was acceptable in your mind and began to cover up your fail-safe options of personal boundaries. You were clutching on to your last resort of sanity when you filed for divorce, thinking that the dissolution of the legal ties would put a new boundary in place. Not so clear to someone with Borderline Personality disorder.

Borderlines do not deal with separation well. They revert to "selfobjects" according to Kohut. "Selfobjects" are external objects that function as part of the "self machinery" - that is, people, items, activities, (objects) which are *not* experienced as separate and independent from the self. They "complete" the self, and are necessary to the Borderline for normal functioning.

If psychopathology (as described as a system- not a psychopath) is explained as an "incomplete" or "defect" self, then the self-objects might be described as a self-prescribed "cure" for what's missing or ails them. In other words, you are an object that is "subsumed" by the Borderline as a part of them.

As described by Kohut, the "selfobject" function (ie. what the "selfobject" does for the Borderline) is taken for granted and seems to take place in a blindzone. The function of the "selfobject" usually does not become visible until the relation with the "selfobject" is somehow broken.

When a "selfobject" is needed, but not accessible, this creates a potential problem for the Borderline.  Kohut called this "optimal frustration" and he considered that, "the most important aspect of the earliest mother-infant relationship is overcoming the problem of optimal frustration. Tolerable disappointments... .must lead to the establishment of internal structures which provide the basis for self-soothing." 

Alas, self soothing is something that the Borderline has *not* learned how to do. Whether Mother had her own issues or was sick or scared; Borderline personality disorder is a failure to separate and individuate, so -expect- optimal frustration when the attachment is broken. Anticipate it. Do not be guilted by it.  In fact, not responding to the guilt is probably the best thing you could do to help a Borderline deal with their own issues.

No Fear. No Obligation. No guilt. No more FOG. No contact. A clear, concise, boundary. 

[muddychicken]

Extinction Burst... .keep it up. You owe her nothing. Marriage is over.