Soul Mate - the most manipulative label they can bestow upon you.

[Valentine09]

It's really hard to say no to someone who calls you their soulmate.  My exgf just started referring to me as this.  In the moment they're saying it, they believe it.  You want to believe it too.

However, would a soulmate... .


*leave you for someone else just weeks after proclaiming their love for you?

*tell you how you don't live up to other people they'd rather be with or have already been with?

*take no real responsibility for hurting you?

*tell you that they want to marry you after hardly even dating and not seeing each other for a year because they left you for someone else?


I really do believe that this was my exgf's last ploy to try to keep me.  I think if you can get over not being a BPD's soulmate, there's really not a lot else they can say to convince you to be together.  It took her almost two years to say it, but all the damage caused by her in the meantime has destroyed any meaning "soulmate" could have. 

A soulmate shouldn't hurt you, and if they do, they'll own up to it.

[Freckles14]

Valentine, I'm sorry. I'd have to agree with you ... .No way. Soulmate? Is there really such a thing? (that's my jaded sided talking)

She may be afraid that you are the only person who would put up with her crap, especially if you've stuck around for a long time. I used to hear that from my ex when he tried to reconnect - nobody else would put up with him and I took such good care of him. One way relationships do not equal soulmates.

Dont let her get to you.

[Autumn10]

I prefer to believe the other defination of "soul mate"

A true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you

everything that’s holding you back, the person who brings you to your own

attention so you can change your life.  A true soul mate is probably the most

important person you’ll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and

smack you awake.  But to live with a soul mate forever.  Nah.  Too painful.

Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself

to you, and then they leave.  And thank God for it.

[Valentine09]

I prefer to believe the other defination of "soul mate"

A true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you

everything that’s holding you back, the person who brings you to your own

attention so you can change your life.  A true soul mate is probably the most

important person you’ll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and

smack you awake.  But to live with a soul mate forever.  Nah.  Too painful.

Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself

to you, and then they leave.  And thank God for it.

Yeah, the wall that needed to be torn down for me was:  just because you find someone beautiful and they're showing you attention, doesn't mean that you're meant to be with them.  You can't base a relationship on just physical attraction.  If the rest of it doesn't add up, it's not meant to be.  You have to have all the parts clicking and working together for it to work.  In the end, if I took away my exgf's looks and seductive childlike behavior, she really didn't have one leg to stand on. 

I kind of justify it in my head by placing her in the body of someone I don't find attractive and ask myself: Would I still want to marry her, or even be friends with her?  Noo!

[2010]

Soul Mate - the most manipulative label they can bestow upon you.

Yes, and the most manipulative label I cold bestow upon them as well, but in the end what Elizabeth Gilbert wrote was true... .

[Runningasfastasican]

ARGH... .SOUL MATE... . ... .I hate this term... .when ever I decide to start dating again... .that term raises such   with me... .that if my "date" says to me I am either her soul mate... .or that she is looking for one... .I most likely will run away from that situation as quickly as possible... .my ex used that term with me constantly so now my associations with the term are so totally negative as to make its use a dating disqualifier... .take care all... .I even feel another urge just to say ARGHHHGG to that term again... .

[Lydia]

I'm not down with the term soulmate either.  It actually makes me want to puke.  Should anyone ever say I'm their soulmate, or I complete them, or love means never having to say your sorry... .I'm going to lay tread with my departure.

[SoMuchPain]

 

I kind of justify it in my head by placing her in the body of someone I don't find attractive and ask myself: Would I still want to marry her, or even be friends with her?  Noo!

yup i do the same thing, except i just picture her cutting all her hair off and gaining a few pounds.  even then i wouldn't put up with it.  good lord i am shallow.

[David Dare]

I agree with the original poster.  My ex tarnished "soulmate" with me for the rest of my life.  To me, it's a label that should be reserved for trips to fantasy land.  My ex took me there.  I'm never going back.

[Rebecca_2010]

Being a "spiritual" person by nature, the term "solemate" does not exist here on earth and I think is widely used in the wrong text.  I agree with the intent the BPD-er is placing behind it, that they are in love with the thought of being in love, but after the honeymoon period, they don't know how to be loved or give love, let alone accept responsibility for their hurtful words or actions.

In my teachings, you do have 1 sole mate in life, and that person is the mirror image of you, the good and best you can be you, however, this "perfect being" only exist at the entracne to heaven to greet you, hold your hand and walk with you in that new journey.  There are no perfect beings on this earth, including our self's.  That being said, I agree with what has been said above, walk away and don't look back.

[OnceConfused]

soulmate is Just a romantic notion that exists only in novels and our mind. As thinking human beings, we all have differences and we have to nagivate through those differences when we want to stay together.

In general, to stay together in a relationship, we have to eveluate our partner, if the sum of the goods and the bads is positive then we stay.  The trick is to learn how to increase the net positive number to increase the happiness in the relationship.

I have learned through the years that IT IS EASY TO FALL IN LOVE, BUT IT IS MUCH HARDER TO STAY IN LOVE. When we first meet someone we tend to idealize that person, but as time goes on, reality sets in and we have to adjust in order to stay in love.

BPD tends to have that incredible initial high feeling that we are their match of their lives,but then within weeks, that high quickly crashes down to the pit because the fear of abandonment sets in.

That is why it is so confusing and hurtful in a relationship w BPD.

[Bradleysbash]

This is really interesting.  My exBPDgf didn't say I was her soulmate, but just about everything else.  She said she felt "more of a connection" with me than anyone else she'd dated, that I was the "man of her dreams" and she was "head over heels."  She used to almost want to swim in the feeling and just let herself go. 

It was intoxicating and enticing because she's very pretty and a fair bit younger than I am.  As the post said though - reality set in for her when we got into a fight and she broke it off shouting "we're done" after we had a fight.  I begged her to stay and forgive me, but I was painted black like so many Nons. 

We all yearn to be adored (at least I do) so it is easy to be taken in by this type of statement, "soulmate."  Like others though - if I hear it in the future it will be a huge red flag.  Maybe after a few years I'd be okay with it, but anytime in the first year and I'd be spooked. 

[Valentine09]

This is really interesting.  My exBPDgf didn't say I was her soulmate, but just about everything else.  She said she felt "more of a connection" with me than anyone else she'd dated, that I was the "man of her dreams" and she was "head over heels."  She used to almost want to swim in the feeling and just let herself go. 

It was intoxicating and enticing because she's very pretty and a fair bit younger than I am.  As the post said though - reality set in for her when we got into a fight and she broke it off shouting "we're done" after we had a fight.  I begged her to stay and forgive me, but I was painted black like so many Nons. 

We all yearn to be adored (at least I do) so it is easy to be taken in by this type of statement, "soulmate."  Like others though - if I hear it in the future it will be a huge red flag.  Maybe after a few years I'd be okay with it, but anytime in the first year and I'd be spooked. 

Yep, I got the "I can't see myself connecting with anyone as much as I did with you"  line.  If this were true she wouldn't have dumped me for guy after guy.  Obviously wasn't a very strong connection or she would have never disconnected in the first place. And I told her exactly that, and she claims that we weren't officially in a relationship so it wasn't cheating. Whether she considered it cheating or not, she still rejected me over and over for other guys and told me point blank she couldn't connect with me last year.  Yet now all of a sudden there's a connection?  When I haven't seen or spoken to her since last November? Makes no freakin' sense, unless she's out of her mind.  Honestly, I don't think she knew what to do with me, because I did treat her right. 

[Outoftime44]

Mine swore to be with me forever after a few months... .She was wonderful and my best friend.  I jumped right in.  And she would be insecure until I professed that I would be her soulmate.

In fact, to end a fight, I had to profess my undying love for her and dedication to marrying her and being with her forever and even after death.

[tori3297]

My uBPDxh used the soulmate excuse for ending our marriage.  He said that we weren't soulmates because "we didn't have anything in common" after 20 years together.  ? What it boiled down to was that while I would happily watch sports with him, I didn't know the stats and all the technical stuff that he knew so "I was just going through the motions".  Also, I have an interest in maintaining an overall healthy lifestyle but I don't enjoy going to the gym.  He was obsessed with it and I never discouraged him.  Because I didn't go to the gym every day like he did (and the woman he left me for), I wasn't his soulmate.  Ridiculous and just a convenient excuse. 

[GlennT]

Ack! The mirroring they constantly do troubles me... the closer they get againest their own mirror the foggier it gets... .and they expect you to clean it  

[RealEyes]

It's really hard to say no to someone who calls you their soulmate.  My exgf just started referring to me as this.  In the moment they're saying it, they believe it.  You want to believe it too.

However, would a soulmate... .


*leave you for someone else just weeks after proclaiming their love for you?

*tell you how you don't live up to other people they'd rather be with or have already been with?

*take no real responsibility for hurting you?

*tell you that they want to marry you after hardly even dating and not seeing each other for a year because they left you for someone else?


I really do believe that this was my exgf's last ploy to try to keep me.  I think if you can get over not being a BPD's soulmate, there's really not a lot else they can say to convince you to be together.  It took her almost two years to say it, but all the damage caused by her in the meantime has destroyed any meaning "soulmate" could have.  

A soulmate shouldn't hurt you, and if they do, they'll own up to it.

i agree, the word has no meaning for me, its actually a  |> since i now have PTSD from dealing with exs using that term way too soon with me only to devolve into the most coldest human beings after pursuing or dating me for months. This last one didnt use that term, he just agreed with the whole ."yeah, i love the outdoors too" but only had already devolved into a modern day caveman instead sitting at his laptop all day getting his fix, binge eating, sleeping waay too long, then text bombing me when he needed a human to feed off of. I could tell he enjoyed me but the pathology of his mind from seeing porn maybe since being a fetus had changed his ability to experience love on a true human level along with being exposed to the horrible chemicals unleashed on American Soldiers still today while they go to war for Corporation$ in the name of Freedom in The Middle East. I wouldn't be surprise if all these females and males with PD are a result of whats in American bio chemistry after all these wars, frankenfoods, etc... .that's causing them and our children to have all these PDs today but thats another subject, i know... .sorry  

Anyway, the word has become nothing more but a  |> for me now, i wish it could mean what it suppose to mean but... .


correction, i take back saying the ex may have been watching porn since he was a fetus, i do feel he needed it after doing his duty as a Soldier in Desert Storm,, he needed anti-psychotics, from taking those mind numbing drugs after being exposed to god knows whats over there, i feel caused him to need a form a stimulation to deal when he could barely function as i have seen him n the past now and it became internet porn which has caused him to not being able to also have interpersonal relationships with females... .so im sorry for saying what i said before

[Blythe1976]

The term "soulmate" was obviously coined by someone with BPD long before BPD had a name. And my BPDh called me his "soulmate" within the first month of dating. Next time a guy calls me his "soulmate," I'm bashing him over the head with an iron skillet, and then I'm gonna run like hell for my life.

I don't need a friggin' soulmate. I need a partner in a loving, conscious, aware, reciprocal, thoughtful, supportive egalitarian relationship.

People who are looking for "soulmates" have no place in Grown-Up Land.

[Valentine09]

People who are looking for "soulmates" have no place in Grown-Up Land.

  Well said.

[RealEyes]

The term "soulmate" was obviously coined by someone with BPD long before BPD had a name. And my BPDh called me his "soulmate" within the first month of dating. Next time a guy calls me his "soulmate," I'm bashing him over the head with an iron skillet, and then I'm gonna run like hell for my life.

I don't need a friggin' soulmate. I need a partner in a loving, conscious, aware, reciprocal, thoughtful, supportive egalitarian relationship.

People who are looking for "soulmates" have no place in Grown-Up Land.