Dealing with ex-Family

[laexesposa]

I was close to my ex's family, but they live out of the country.  My ex's specialty was lies and manipulation many of which I discovered in the last 3 months (after the divorce).  I had stayed in contact with the family even after the divorce, mostly by email.  But now that my eyes are open to the deception and manipulation, I don't feel comfortable being in contact with them.  I know they had no idea what was really happening here.  His sister recently tried to contact me, but I haven't responded.  Do I owe her a response?  If I do respond, I'd really like to be honest with her about all the lies/hurt/manipulation.  Does that violate NC?  Shouldn't the family know the truth?

[2010]

Do I owe her a response?

NO.

If I do respond, I'd really like to be honest with her about all the lies/hurt/manipulation.

It is not appropriate to dump the lies/hurt/manipulation on her. Speak with a professional listener instead. One who will validate your version and listen rather than get defensive or hurt or place the blame back on to you.

Does that violate NC?

Yes. Try to get as far away from all family members as possible.  Find someone neutral to talk to.

Shouldn't the family know the truth?

The family will never know your truth. Your truth is how you see it. No one else has lived in your shoes. You cannot expect others to share the your experience and come away from it changed in the same way you have. Only you have that ability.

[laexesposa]

Thanks, that's very helpful 2010. 

My ex is in financial trouble that he created himself (I was cautious enough to minimize any joint accounts that we had and cancel the ones that we did), he also owes me $$, but has not been able to repay me anything.  I am coming to terms with the fact that I may never see the $$ and, in an effort to maintain NC, have not contacted him to push the issue.  I will use my lawyer, if I need to.

I heard from a friend, though, that he has told his family that I am the one creating the financial pressure when in fact it's his own credit card debts, etc... .  His sister mentioned money in her email as if to probe the situation.

So, that's why I wondered about replying to his sister with the truth about his debts.  I think she would believe me, since she knows her brother so well... .but maybe as you say, it's just better to keep moving away from the entire situation?

[Devin78]

My uBPDxw's father emailed me with a lengthly apology for his daughter's behavior. He got fed up with her badmouthing me to anyone and everyone she met. (aparently even strangers) He told me he had finally had enough of the lies and pretty much disowned her finacially and socially. If she calls him he just talks about his grandkids and even hangs up on her when she asks for money. According to him the only one in the family she hasn't driven away is her aunt who is suspected to be just as flighty as she is. I still even, 3 months after he sent it, haven't responded to it. He was her biggest enabler and I just can't get past that.