Differences between BPD and an addiction?

[Realization]

I was in session with my T today and it was a good "me" session and I was driving home, re-capping, etc. and this question within me arose... .

For those of you who's BPD is an addict... .how do you decipher (or do you) from when the ADDICT is talking and when the BPD is talking ?

My future BPDxh is both (diagnosed addict - not diagnosed BPD)... .so how do you know when Addict/BPD is talking ... .or don't you?

[taralita]

Hi Realization,

My boyfriend is diagnosed bipolar and BPD, plus has had a 20 year addiction to alcohol and many years with crack.

He went to jail for a few years for violating his old dui probation.  He just got out.  I stayed by him and can say that while he did not do drugs or alcohol in jail, his BPD still was present, but it didn't seem as bad.  Hard to know if it was due to the situation that warranted reflection or my perception due to a institutionally imposed level of not no contact, but low contact.

I think it is also hard to know if the BPD was exacerbated by the drug and alcohol use or vice versa.  Addiction can stunt one emotionally, bring out the leading of dual lives, turn people into liars... .you know what I mean, I am sure.

So, I don't know for certain, I do think that addiction can add fuel to the fire for BPDs, active addiction or otherwise.  I think also that there is a certain part of all addicts that still think of or want to do drugs, but have the emotional capacity and discipline to not for good reasons(take me, for example... .I went there, I won't go there again.  Period).  BPDs want what they want, and I think that abstaining from that which feels good (even if it isn't) could possibly make them a bit resentful.  Dry Drunks if you will.

THis is just speaking from my experience with my bf.

Didn't really answer your question, but thank you for asking it and opening up this topic.  Any specifics you wish to share to shed some light?

[2010]

When drugs are discovered, it's natural to think that the elimination of the drugs will stop the behavior and solve the problem- but that's a big NO when it comes to personality disorders.

For most people who have a personality disorder, their coping skills are so nonexistent, that the person sometimes has to turn to drugs or alcohol to give a sense of relief from other people. For the most part, BPD comes first and addictive response comes later.  :)rugs or alcohol are what the personality disordered thinks is going to save him at first- but it is a fool's ruse.  Many unsuspecting victims of personality disordered people think that drugs and alcohol are the cause of the personality disorder.  Drugs and Alcohol it seems, are the tip of the iceberg.

If you've tacked on the BPD to make sense of the this drug or alcohol behavior- that's something that many people do when they are searching for answers to why their loved ones seem to be using and abusing substances.  The reality is that the using is in response to something else- generally society. It may not be a personality disorder- it may just be a phase and a coping mechanism to get through the phase for lack of a better alternative. Either way- it has nothing to do with your protective measures to stop their behavior. Your job is to ask yourself why you dont give as much thought to your own future- as you do the addicts. In a way, this is a fork in the road that allows you to see that you're both struggling with the same problem: Addiction.

Your addiction is to another human being. His addiction is to a substance as well as to you. Both of you need to find your center core and realize that everything you seek is within you and not found outside of yourselves (what's outside is afraid and taking leave on a whim.) When you realize that both of you have some things to figure out- that you're not being left behind, you'll feel unafraid and you'll be able to let go of the other.

Take the path that leads to the unknown- not the one that circles back to him. He's got to do work on his own and you've got to stand solo.  To answer your question; it doesn't matter if it's drugs or a personality disorder talking, what's left to answer is the reunion fantasy you have with each other. This is your work.  It's also his. You cannot fantasize that he will emerge out of love for you and overcome his addiction. He has to do it for himself- not because of you. You also have to do it for yourself- and not because of him.

[Realization]

Thanks, Taralita:

He's a diagnosed sex addict (this is BEFORE Tiger Woods) and, unfortunately, I discovered the addiction - after a year of all the lies (late nites out, "it's not cheating - only strippers" - to the tune of $7000 in one month and throw in bars... .not diagnosed alcoholic but the alcohol is 3rd on his challenge's list).

Anyway, as with any addict - YOU discovering their addiction doesn't get them help... .he "buffaloed" his T for a year and it came out in marital T last January.

Marital sessions bounced from his sex addiction/the marriage into "fix her"... .it's HER fault I have the addiction... .if she liked to do xxx and xxx and really LOVED ME then she would!  T told us in session - it's HER body why do you want to "enforce" sexual, intimate things on your wife if she's uncomfortable and it physically hurts her since her 2 c-sections?  He only had rage... .stormed out of session.  

Next session he tried to manipulate it into my high cholesterol and wanted to "discuss" with our T my medical health... .I mean whaaaat?  I turned the session back into "part 2" from the paragraph above and within 20-minutes... .he was pushing furniture out of his way and slamming the door... .

So,  addict getting his "fix" squashed by T in session... .temper-tantrum like a 5-year old/addict/BPD.  Manipulation more like a BPD... .but also spoken like an addict... .

I know - everyone's different in their BPD and addiction(s)... .but it's a curious question... .for me - my experience... .you can see where I'm fuzzy... .

Just curious if anyone has insight... .will ask my T in a couple of weeks (if I remember and if there's not other drama).

[Realization]

Take the path that leads to the unknown- not the one that circles back to him. He's got to do work on his own and you've got to stand solo.  To answer your question; it doesn't matter if it's drugs or a personality disorder talking, what's left to answer is the reunion fantasy you have with each other. This is your work.  It's also his. You cannot fantasize that he will emerge out of love for you and overcome his addiction. He has to do it for himself- not because of you. You also have to do it for yourself- and not because of him.

Agreed - I should add that he left me and the 2 teen b's July 13th and for a year of T (both individual - for each of us... .and marital) I have done everything and I KNOW it's "not me"... .whether BPD or addiction "talking"... .and you're right when I reflect back... .the addiction is to "sooth the ravaged beast"... .I get that too (thankfully I have a great T and I've done a lot of hard work).

In my case because of a sex addiction... .the line is fuzzy... .married for 19 years... .just made me wonder/think... .

But GREAT POINT regarding the addiction (regardless of what it is) being the "surface" of the problem... .that's so true... .addicts numb pain in unhealthy, self-destructing ways... .to make themselves "forget" and not face many things in life... .