Mine vs Hers

[arn131arn]

The majority of you know my story, I know my alcoholism played an important role in the demise of out relationship... . I don't try to deny it, but I do know she has a mental illness. I no longer doubt it, and know that I don't. I have alcoholism, I know how to treat it, but have a few problems with calling it a disease.

So, with all this knowledge, of me and her conditions, where do I draw the line, when the lines seem to overlap and gray areas galore?

I must admit my faults to understand my character defects, but where exactly do those faults end and where do they begin?

Or does it really even matter anymore? (This is a serious question btw)

Arn

[Allmessedup]

Hey arn,

I think if it matters is only a question you can answer.

For me I spent a copious amount of time analyzing this.  What were her issues... . what were mine...

But the answer I am coming to is that they were ours.

She is dx, so I had that to start with unlike many here.  But fact is her behaviors triggered behaviors in myself that I would not have ever liked to admit

And then my behaviors triggered more in her so hers got worse as well.

So it went round and round and round.

We both had issues that brought us to the relationship... . investigating what my issues were that brought me to that place, even though I hated looking at them... . looking at the issues that kept me there, equally hard... . that has been enormously helpful in my healing.

I have good days... . and rotten ones.  But I have found I am tired of shifting the blame around.  To me that no longer matters. 

She hurt me.  Wounded me more deeply than I ever thought possible!  But I had to realize I hurt her like hell too.  Unintentionally yes, but her having BPD was not intentional either.

On my good days I see this much clearer:). Today is a good day

I struggle... . alot.  But the relationship is over and at the end of the day the only thing I can change is myself. 

All I really know is I don't want to be the person I was in that relationship again.  I don't want to keep repeating this process because it's easier than looking at my own ___.  It is said is that  insanity is doing the same things over again and expecting different results. 

I have done this my whole life... . it's time for me to change that now.

Amu

[DreamGirl]

I think it has a lot to do with figuring out this part of it: "my faults to understand my character defects, but where exactly do those faults end and where do they begin?"

We choose partners who supplement what we know and what we understand to be right. She chose you as much as you chose her. From a purely logical standpoint, a dysfunctional person chose another dysfunctional person to be in a dysfunctional relationship.  

Alcohol abuse also tends to be a poor coping mechanism on our parts - it's merely a symptom of it's underlying cause. Something drove you to drink in order to cope.

This is personal inventory where we take the really hard look at ourselves and sometimes that's really difficult to do. I think your question of where it "begins" - and that's where it "ends" is a valid one to ask.

For me, if I try to look at my own choices in the long line of men who didn't treat me very well, I realize that it had a lot to do with a low self worth and the comfort zone that I created when it came to relationships. That all began in a childhood with my FOO and where I never really learned to value myself and where a traumatic experience started me down a pretty dysfunctional path when it came to sex, love, relationships and boundaries.  The teenage promiscuity resulting in my getting pregnant as a teenager, the dysfunctional marriage that followed, the drug and alcohol use that followed the divorce ~ were all manifestations of living my life in a way that made sense to me because I was very ill equipped when it came to coping mechanisms. Not so different then a pwBPD.

So for me, that's where it "begins" and that's where it "ends". It's our own pathology that needs to be dissected and figuring out why we do the things we do. Getting in the relationship with a person who exhibits BPD traits was simply a symptom of your own way of dealing with life... .

[seeking balance]

The majority of you know my story, I know my alcoholism played an important role in the demise of out relationship... . I don't try to deny it, but I do know she has a mental illness. I no longer doubt it, and know that I don't. I have alcoholism, I know how to treat it, but have a few problems with calling it a disease.

So, with all this knowledge, of me and her conditions, where do I draw the line, when the lines seem to overlap and gray areas galore?

I must admit my faults to understand my character defects, but where exactly do those faults end and where do they begin?

Or does it really even matter anymore? (This is a serious question btw)

Arn

Hey Arn,

Isn't this the 4th step stuff you work on with your sponsor?

Not being flippant in asking this, wondering if that is where you are, thus the question.

Peace,

SB

[arn131arn]

The majority of you know my story, I know my alcoholism played an important role in the demise of out relationship... . I don't try to deny it, but I do know she has a mental illness. I no longer doubt it, and know that I don't. I have alcoholism, I know how to treat it, but have a few problems with calling it a disease.

So, with all this knowledge, of me and her conditions, where do I draw the line, when the lines seem to overlap and gray areas galore?

I must admit my faults to understand my character defects, but where exactly do those faults end and where do they begin?

Or does it really even matter anymore? (This is a serious question btw)

Arn

Hey Arn,

Isn't this the 4th step stuff you work on with your sponsor?

Not being flippant in asking this, wondering if that is where you are, thus the question.

Peace,

SB

My 4th step work is done already. I worked a 4 column resentment , fear, and sex inventory with my Sponsor. She was all over the place in that inventory. But that inventory showed me who exactly I was, and where my alcoholic thinking got me. As far as my relationship with her is concerned, no I didn't do much work there.

The big book of aa doesn't have a step that outlines your ___ed up relationship with a person with BPD. Which is why I come to this website to ask my stupid questions

[seeking balance]

I don't think I understand your question, it's not stupid - I just don't think I understand it.  Can you give  an example maybe?

[arn131arn]

Ok, SB.

For example, she pulls away, I try to talk about it, fix the issue or problem. She goes deeper into her isolation, silent treatment and passive aggression. So, I do what I know how to do best, right?

You hurt me, F-you, I'll hurt me. And I cope with it by drinking. This wasn't just with her, but amazing now, she is not in my life, that I don't think about drinking. She was a trigger for me just like I triggered her.

So, I go out after work, drink until 3 o clock in the morning. This triggers feelings of unfaithfulness to her, and abandonment, and I don't care enough to stop once I start. Within  all of this comes deep resentments in high frequency and magnitude. So, this carried on for a long time, so lines can get crossed, things linger, and confusion and blame over causes and conditions are constantly blurred.

She slapped me in the face, bit me, kicked scratched and yelled at me. I restrained her on the bed and when she calmed down, I let her go. I was arrested for DV that night. She hit me, but I still put my hands on her to restrain her. Blur

Does this make sense?

[seeking balance]

Ok, SB.

For example, she pulls away, I try to talk about it, fix the issue or problem. She goes deeper into her isolation, silent treatment and passive aggression. So, I do what I know how to do best, right?

You hurt me, F-you, I'll hurt me. And I cope with it by drinking. This wasn't just with her, but amazing now, she is not in my life, that I don't think about drinking. She was a trigger for me just like I triggered her.

So, I go out after work, drink until 3 o clock in the morning. This triggers feelings of unfaithfulness to her, and abandonment, and I don't care enough to stop once I start. Within  all of this comes deep resentments in high frequency and magnitude. So, this carried on for a long time, so lines can get crossed, things linger, and confusion and blame over causes and conditions are constantly blurred.

She slapped me in the face, bit me, kicked scratched and yelled at me. I restrained her on the bed and when she calmed down, I let her go. I was arrested for DV that night. She hit me, but I still put my hands on her to restrain her. Blur

Does this make sense?

I am sorry, I am not following the actual point of the topic... . is it your inventory versus your ability to forgive her?  I don't think you mean to be taking her inventory, but that is how it is reading to me... . thus, my confusion.

[arn131arn]

Ok, SB.

For example, she pulls away, I try to talk about it, fix the issue or problem. She goes deeper into her isolation, silent treatment and passive aggression. So, I do what I know how to do best, right?

You hurt me, F-you, I'll hurt me. And I cope with it by drinking. This wasn't just with her, but amazing now, she is not in my life, that I don't think about drinking. She was a trigger for me just like I triggered her.

So, I go out after work, drink until 3 o clock in the morning. This triggers feelings of unfaithfulness to her, and abandonment, and I don't care enough to stop once I start. Within  all of this comes deep resentments in high frequency and magnitude. So, this carried on for a long time, so lines can get crossed, things linger, and confusion and blame over causes and conditions are constantly blurred.

She slapped me in the face, bit me, kicked scratched and yelled at me. I restrained her on the bed and when she calmed down, I let her go. I was arrested for DV that night. She hit me, but I still put my hands on her to restrain her. Blur

Does this make sense?

I am sorry, I am not following the actual point of the topic... . is it your inventory versus your ability to forgive her?  I don't think you mean to be taking her inventory, but that is how it is reading to me... . thus, my confusion.

No not taking her inventory. Retread the other posters, they seem to get the topic.

What I'm trying to say is, it's hard to look back at certain situations and say, okay, that was me, that was my hit, I own that. And other times, it's hard to tell who contributed to the problem and not the solution... . oh, he'll forget it

[seeking balance]

No not taking her inventory. Retread the other posters, they seem to get the topic.

Yeah, I must be missing something as I don't quite understand the post and if the others do and are giving you good feedback, I will kindly back away - no worries. 

[fromheeltoheal]

I'm not an alcoholic, but I have definitely abused alcohol more than once.  There were many, many times that I left her to go home after a weekend together, a weekend of mental chaos, confusion and fear for me, and a complete inability to work towards resolution or open communication about anything with her, the crazy just seemed to always escalate, and I'd head straight for a bar, pure chemical escape, pure coping tool when all other coping tools had failed miserably.  And then, once away from her, I wouldn't want to drink at all.  That sounds twice as stupid once I type it, especially the part about going back for more the next time.

And the way I'm wired, I assumed everything that was 'wrong' was my fault, constantly trying to fix things, constantly defensive, very uncomfortable for me, very unattractive to her, very dysfunctional.  It took a while out of it for me to put my needs first, and once I did I realized she was very unattractive to me too, but we had been substituting intensity for intimacy for so long, from the beginning really, the whole thing was an addiction and I couldn't see straight.  She's the disordered one, but I have plenty of my own sht, and the way we combined was toxic and created a bond based on trauma.  Getting her out of the picture was only step one, with using the glaring spotlight she shined on my stuff as a tool moving forward.  It has nothing to do with her anymore, but much has become clear lately, harsh truths I've been running from forever, and there's always that bar or a host of other distractions, but if we're going to make anything healthy out of these lives, the rubber needs to hit the road here and now.