Did anyones EX Want To Be Famous?

[grayday1]

My exBPD wanted so badly to be famous.  He played the guitar, wrote songs, wrote a book but did none of these things with any real talent. He played the guitar okay. Yet he always said he wanted to leave a legacy behind. He wanted so badly to be famous. He honestly thought he was very talented and he was nothing if he couldn't be famous. He had a fasination with celebrities, actors, musicians, etc.  I thought it was kind of sad that a job he enjoyed, kids, and g-kids were not enough of a legacy.

He would get into a funk about this and tell me, like a child "no, none of those things are important, I want to be famous".

[Backtome09]

Not my uBPD xbf but the NPD xbf did.

I met up with him after a decade of NC and he was going on about how he finally gave up the dream of being famous.   ? His attempts at fame were through rock bands, guitar, screenplays, and such. Almost as if his teenage fantasies never wore off. He was in his 40s and I think he still wants to be famous somehow. I think this is from lack of self esteem and lack of self identity. The whole "look at me" need for approval from the rest of the world... .when you know he just needed better parents to start with.   

Good luck  x

[2010]

GD1, you might want to check out links to malignant narcissism. Most Borderlines attach to others to ward off anxiety which creates more anxiety when they think their attachments are leaving. Malignant Narcissists attempt to attract admirers for attachment but only to serve their grandiosity and failing that- they discard people along the way when they cease to provide admiration (narcissistic supply) i.e, when they cease be useful in the regard.  The fastest way to find out if you are dealing with a malignant narcissist is to stop providing him with the attention that he craves- you will be devalued and discarded.

[ArtistGuy70]

GD1, you might want to check out links to malignant narcissism. Most Borderlines attach to others to ward off anxiety which creates more anxiety when they think their attachments are leaving. Malignant Narcissists attempt to attract admirers for attachment but only to serve their grandiosity and failing that- they discard people along the way when they cease to provide admiration (narcissistic supply) i.e, when they cease be useful in the regard.  The fastest way to find out if you are dealing with a malignant narcissist is to stop providing him with the attention that he craves- you will be devalued and discarded.

This is interesting. My ex certainly had narcissistic traits being a model. Once she broke down and I was devalued, she even deleted her modeling ports off of the internet and canceled shoots with others, going into a semi retirement. BUT at a meet and greet last month, she ended up bringing outfits and posing for various photographers for fun supposedly, plastering the images of herself all over the internet (still claiming she is retired). I am confused about this.

[innerspirit]

Famous and/or Socially Significant -- the person who single-handedly would change the people around him.   

An example -- he's very unhappy where he works (for a variety of legitimate reasons) but said he wouldn't leave the company until they finally hired someone of another race, religion or sexual preference.  But X is not in Personnel.  And he treats his present co-workers like crap, and he disparages the company officers who by now should "feel a Moral Obligation to retire."

Sadly, his mission was to change outward appearances -- and X wanted to claim credit for it.

[2010]

NPD: Malignant Narcissist's grow up "subsuming" people.  They host others to collect their attention. People are objectified either as fresh attention or repositories of past glory- which the Narcissist can refer back to in times of emergency crisis , i.e., the widening grandiosity gap between the fantasy of greatness and reality that maybe they aren't "all that." The fantasy is that they are great and everyone else is beneath them (with the exception of other malignant narcissists, whom they are keenly aware of and pathologically envious of.) Pathological envy is the hallmark of malignant narcissism. Attention paid to a Narcissist can be good (as when they create something from their grand personality, such as art) or it can be bad, (as in the criticizing of anothers creation and expecting others to listen- just because you are a critic) -as long as they get attention.  It is an image, a false self, that is grandiose. People are objectified and placed in order of performance while serving this grandiose image. Mirroring is *only* important if the subsumed person mirrors the greatness of the Narcissist. The Narcissist needs the reflection of his own greatness in others eyes. Failing that, he is uninterested and uncivil to people.

BPD: Borderlines grow up finding out quickly that they need to attach to others for their survival. They do this by scanning for clues on what is valued by others- and they morph in that direction like chameleons. While a narcissist has a false self that's grandiose, Borderlines have a deficient false self that is a grandiose concept made up of others' ideas.  Others decide for them- as they have allowed people to do since they were born. The Borderline then follows those ideals in order to feel secure and valued.  The Borderline has low self esteem that seeks out concepts of power. When that concept of power creates anxiety that the Borderline is being left behind, even if it is only their perception- it is then split off and becomes persecutorial. The Borderline suffers greatly as this is their greatest fear- that fear being that they would do what others expect of them, lose their sense of self and pay dearly for the failure to self actuate when the powerful master discards them. If this does happen (and watch, sometimes the Borderline will instigate it in order to relieve their anxiety about it- they then are right back to where they started, alone and confused about where to begin- but they gather up what remnants they can from the last successful chameleon like efforts and go out into the World again to repeat their compulsive sidetrack from autonomy.  They use what worked for them in the past relationship.  (That could be sex, it could be looks, it could be Waif behaviors... .whatever they were taught was valuable and represents an attractive magnet for others.)  Borderline is about attachment.

NPD: The Narcissist has autonomy from others- He is isolated on his throne and he likes it that way. He needs support from people but he does not want to be attached. Attachment drains his attention to self away- it dilutes it. He needs admiration.  He needs attention. Giving attention to others, he cannot allow- and it causes him to rage when his throne is shared.  He has a grand false self that needs feedback and when others do not provide it , he gets upset. Narcissists do have anxiety when attention is low, but they do not show their real selves= a fragile poor self image (ego).  The Borderline does.

Narcissists may enter a depression, but they come out of it after what is known as a mini-narcissistic cycle, where they feel badly, and then send out feelers and reel in prospects to feel better.  Attention is their drug.  Facebook friends that number over 2,000 is a good example of sending out feelers and reeling in prospects to offset feelings of being average in life.  Narcissists are highly attuned to the narcissistic needs of others.

[iceman10]

Excellent post 2010. My exBPDgf did not want to be famous.  But she wanted to be admired for her look. Fancy clothes, a lot of make up, afraid of being overweight (she was slim). She was flirtatious with other men even in my presence. She can hook up a new victim in a day if she wants. 

[Intent_to_learn]

My friend has traits of both BPD/NPD.  Is it possible to have both?

[OverBoard]

First: answer to the last post: Yes. My ex gf was diagnosed Bi Polar and BPD and NPD (she was fully aware of all of them).

Famous?  What didn't mine do. Super Model (and yes, everyone assumed she was I kid you not. Gorgeous to the nine) But her stories when we met... whommmmmmmmmmmmmm she dated in the rock band world and broke so and so heart, or modeled for so and so... .so I ask... "do you have a portfolio... pictures, newsclippings... something"... .nope. Nada. She put it off that she did this in her 20's... lived in NY, blah, blah and not one damn thing to show for it at 48.

Asked her parents once when we talked on the phone... They didn't even KNOW she had once lived in NY...

[david]

My BPDw makes me think of that Clint Eastwood line, "Your a legend in your own mind."

My BPDw singlehandedly saved an entire hospital of having the majority of their patients die ! Without her quick thinking it would have been the biggest disaster in history. She even claimed nursing magazines wrote about her for months. I never seen a single article ? I don't know anyone that ever seen them either.

The other doosies are to twisted and long to write about.

[2010]

she wanted to be admired for her look.

She wanted to be *valued* for her look.  

Borderline personality disorder is the disorder of thought that arises when -reality-(what is realistically safe to say- an abstract concept to them) causes anxiety. The anxiety is so severe that a fantasy World is then substituted for reality. The fantasy World is one where the Borderline is valued, cared for and kept safe- but with a semblance of self actualization for the Borderline.  That self actualization is a "false self" they create for attracting reward. The reward is found and then attached to.  Prospects for this attachment are defined according to what pleases the rewarding object and then mirrored.  Rather than set out in the World as an autonomous human being (i.e, a person with healthy narcissism) the Borderline compulsively re-works their interpretation of what is valuable to others, i.e; looks, sex, inverted narcissism, etc. to serve the host attachment. That attachment also hinges on someone else's autonomy (guess who? that's you.) And your autonomy is what frightens the borderline. Their fear is that you will bail out and leave them stranded and alone- after all of this work they did to mirror you and get your attachment.  :)eep in their psyche, they believe you are already gone, so they constantly scan the scene for new and rewarding options.

The majority of time in a Borderline woman's life is spent creating a false self that is in response to the culled responses of past valuation.  This is also in addition to other ideas of reference that pop up as ideas to re-write the false self. The Borderline woman will try to stabilize the anxiety of "Borderlining" between your idea of the fantasy and her idea by continually shopping for new dresses, new shoes, new hairstyles and spend most of her actions as repetitious and compulsive for feedback of valuation as a SELF- basically, thinking she's separate from you but requiring a false self to run in place of her real, true self.  The true self is running in place and going nowhere.  The fantasy is that you and she are together as one, but that fantasy demands your participation in the disorder.  If you have ideas of your own about the fantasy, and you vocalize them in regard to seeing the Borderline Woman in something different than she's put together, you are now persecuting her. Her chameleon like presence has now been controlled and told when to turn colors. She's out the door looking for new reward and splitting you black as a controller.  She'll soon use that to declare herself rewarding to others based on the new target's own altruistic drives.

As they age, the repetition compulsion of rewarding/withdrawing behaviors begin to fail at providing relief from anxiety.  She gets tired and becomes a hypochondriac instead and she eventually becomes what is called Schizoid, or hermit like.  The World is a scary place and the efforts to self actualize have failed. The only thing left to do now is to stay inside and isolate and complain about the World.  It's always someone else fault.

Many famous Borderline actresses who have passed away have estate sales where their closets are filled with clothes that still have the hangtags on them and shoes that number in the thousands. All evidence of the fantasy World they were once slaves to in life.

[david]

2010,

You described my BPDw to a t. She spends money on clothes,shoes,etc. She hid it very well when we were together until she was discovered. That's when she painted me black and accused me of being controling.

We have two kids together and she uses them to get to me. It is the only reason we communicate at all.

She started the hypochondria stage about the same time she ran away. She sits in her condo with the kids and does nothing with them. She finds refuge when she goes to work. I think it validates her "feeling" of worth.

[Backtome09]

2010, wow you said a mouthful. Great stuff. Thanks for reminding me about the finer points between the two... .and when they cross over as well. Yup, those are my two X's to a "T".  

Thanks so much for this as well----> "Rather than set out in the World as an autonomous human being (i.e, a person with healthy narcissism) the Borderline compulsively re-works their interpretation of what is valuable to others, i.e; looks, sex, inverted narcissism, etc. to serve the host attachment."

Yes, healthy narcissism where you don't get used as a doormat and can stand up for yourself. Proper boundaries, etc. And lets hope we "don't get fooled again"... .sheesh.

  everyone.