Emotional abuse

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

My BPDbf who I've recently broke up with called yesterday breathless and scared.  He said the Police wanted him to call the station before 4pm.  It was 3:45 and I told him to find out what they wanted instead of waiting and being tortured by it.  He said he had a charge against him for assault.  He said his gf while we were apart for the 2 years claimed he pinned her against the wall with his arm.  He was really scared and said "I'm going to lose everything!  You, my place and everything!"  I asked him to call me back after he called the station.  Three hrs later he calls and says "I am going to jail for a year"  I was like "what? without going to court n all?"  He said "Yep!"  He said they were going to pick him up today... (tomorrow then) and he'd be in jail.  I reassured him I'd be there for him and we'd face this together.  He said "Move on with your life because of the year"  I was pretty upset... .ok very upset.

Then he said something about the charges being dropped and it was a joke on me.  Well then he said "that's the good news!  The bad news is I won't be seeing you anymore and I'm spending Easter with my (BPD) mom."  He was going to try and make amends and Easter would be a good time to do that.   I asked how come he wouldn't see me then... .wondering how I fit into this... .He said that he  had disappointed me by not spending Easter with me after he promised... .so then... .after a bit... .he starts to laugh... ."spend Easter with my mom?  You got to be kidding!"  hahahaha gotcha!   I was sick to my stomach by then.  He then said he wanted to get together this weekend.  A few hrs later and he told me he was not seeing me this weekend.  This is emotional abuse right?  I feel sick still with a big pit in my stomach.  I should of stayed NC.  What is this addiction of mine to him?

[Carri1]

My BPDbf who I've recently broke up with called yesterday breathless and scared.  He said the Police wanted him to call the station before 4pm.  It was 3:45 and I told him to find out what they wanted instead of waiting and being tortured by it.  He said he had a charge against him for assault.  He said his gf while we were apart for the 2 years claimed he pinned her against the wall with his arm.  He was really scared and said "I'm going to lose everything!  You, my place and everything!"  I asked him to call me back after he called the station.  Three hrs later he calls and says "I am going to jail for a year"  I was like "what? without going to court n all?"  He said "Yep!"  He said they were going to pick him up today... (tomorrow then) and he'd be in jail.  I reassured him I'd be there for him and we'd face this together.  He said "Move on with your life because of the year"  I was pretty upset... .ok very upset.

Then he said something about the charges being dropped and it was a joke on me.  Well then he said "that's the good news!  The bad news is I won't be seeing you anymore and I'm spending Easter with my (BPD) mom."  He was going to try and make amends and Easter would be a good time to do that.   I asked how come he wouldn't see me then... .wondering how I fit into this... .He said that he  had disappointed me by not spending Easter with me after he promised... .so then... .after a bit... .he starts to laugh... ."spend Easter with my mom?  You got to be kidding!"  hahahaha gotcha!   I was sick to my stomach by then.  He then said he wanted to get together this weekend.  A few hrs later and he told me he was not seeing me this weekend.  This is emotional abuse right?  I feel sick still with a big pit in my stomach.  I should of stayed NC.  What is this addiction of mine to him?

[yianks69]

This is the definition of an Emotional Abuse.

My 4 year old nephew wouldn't behave like that.

[Easydoesitnow]

Carrie,

Does he have a substance problem?  That not only sounds abusive... .it sounds... .mad... .

[Carri1]

He does not have a Substance Abuse.  Just a cold heart I guess.   My T thinks that when he gets too close to me he does things like this (not usually as bad) so the relationship backs up some.  They can't get THAT close to someone and trust them... .Why would they if their Mom let them down big time.

[Easydoesitnow]

  That's no good, how difficult for you.

My exbf goes back and forth and contradicts himself to a point that is confusing, but he is usually a bit more sly about it - he doesn't admit it... .

[Clearmind]

Ambient abuse is very hard to pinpoint and took me a long time to recognize it let alone label or explain it to anyone.  It doesn’t mean it didn’t happen. It’s ambiguous, and aims to disorientate and is not unique to a pwBPD.

Other forms of abuse: silent treatment, blanking (devoid of interest), crazy making (circular arguments, diversion tactics), lying, invalidation, withholding (brutal humor, denial, ordering around, threatening, withholding affection, sex, name calling, no win situations ~ control by proxy).

The abuser may deny being abusive and that you misunderstood – you begin to question your own sanity.

If you begin to fear the unknown, fear of the unpredictable, begin to tailor your words, walk on eggshells – abuse is certainly having its effect.

The Mystery of Loving an Abuser is an interesting one. We think they hold power but in fact they feel powerless and lack worth. Abusers need to make the victim feel dependent on them.

Ok we can define it! Why is that we (you) stayed regardless? What is he giving you right now? Our job is to believe and know that we deserve more than their dysfunction. Are you comfortable with being a victim?

[2010]

I reassured him I'd be there for him and we'd face this together.

Carrie, this is an inappropriate response, don't you think? Does a Man really need a Woman to stand by him in regard to another woman’s physical abuse? Some things cannot be justified. You want to reassure him and face the charges with him? No. No. NO.

People learn right from wrong when they are forced to take responsibility for their choices, even if they are mistakes. If they cannot learn right from wrong- they are considered morally corrupt. When something this heinous is joked about- there are no rules. There are no boundaries. There is no responsibility. There is however, a reason - and that is to manipulate others and cause them harm.

You are not safe with any Man who jokes about being physically violent with another woman. He also is threatening you with abandonment and forcing you to cling because he has to go to jail. You don’t have to ask if this is abusive. You know it is. It is also curiously triangulation (read definition), which may be magnetic to you. (ex.; You and him against the girlfriend, You and him against the Mother. You and him against YOU.) You are a sacrificial lamb to his moral corruption.

Your therapist is *incorrect* in stating that this is due to his fear of intimacy with you. This goes well beyond attachment. It is the sadistic, psychopathic glee of a puppet master pulling your strings and looking for your reaction while counterattacking you and your kindness as a perceived weakness. Be careful. You are going to be further punished if you remain.

You’ve got to know when to say enough is enough. Stay safe. Get away and stay away. Any Man who calls you breathless and frantic and states he has only 15 minutes to return a phone call to the police does this to you <<for a reason.>>  Yes, he is a manipulative psychopath, but he has in you a willing victim unless you can say no. If you cannot say no- then speak with your therapist a.s.a.p.

There’s an old saying that goes like this: “a woman should never have a wishbone where her backbone ought to be.” 

[Carri1]

Wow Thanks Everyone!  A real eye opener for me.  I woke up this am with one word on my mind.

Sadistic... .yes that's it a very Sadistic tactic!  My T doesn't know what happened yesterday because I have T on Tues afternoon.  This happened after that. 

I am very much a sacrificial lamb.  He knows this and preys upon it.  I Cannot, Will not, remain.  This

was so bad!  I am soo NC!  I am on 2 meds which I really think helped me not go over the edge.  I believe w/o them I would of been in a bad place.  I am not.  I am confident and an Awesome woman who needs to get rid of the dirt in her life! 

Wow you all ROCK!  Thanks so much for helping me!  I really appreciate it!  WAKE UP CALL!

xo Carri

[Beach_Babe]

Wait... .I  was  under  the  impression  we  cannot  refer  to  them  as  "psychopaths/sociopaths/antisocial"  on  here  ?  Why  the  double  standard  ?

[wrangler1217]

Carri,

First step... .good job, you're seeing a T.  I find these boards incredible for venting and reading other people's struggles - and that gives me comfort to know that I'm not alone going through this... .but face-to-face counseling/therapy can do wonders on the soul iff (if and only if) you put forth the effort to do the homework they usually recommend.

I've found that sometimes when you think you're supporting someone, you're actually enabling/rewarding the undesired behavior.  Though it seems common sense, it took me a while to realize the difference.  I remember on my first session with a T, I was trying to get a better handle on codependency.  She asked me, "how do you understand codependency right now?"  I said, "Well, what seems to be acts of selflessness for someone in a relationship... .are actually, in fact, very selfish because the underlying motive behind them is to fulfill that person's own self-worth."  She said, "Wow, sounds like you have a pretty good grasp on it already!"  I would assume that 95% (this is not scientific by any means) of people who stay in abusive/toxic relationships do so for the sole reason of fulfilling their own personal self-worth, but subconsciously disguise their acts as a form of martyr-ism.

Meds do help, and it sounds like you're doing the right thing by using them as a crutch and not a cure.  You've got a lot of fire there - make sure you use it for someone worth it - like YOU!

[gettingoverit]

This may be blunt but that is the perfect definition of "mind___". This guy is nuts and he is an ass. Who cares why he does it, the fact is he is playing with you and treating you like you are a joke to him. Cut this ass from your life as soon as possible. You deserve soo much better. See how much he's laughing when you cut the cord on him. Sorry, but what a jerk!

[doingtheswim]

Carri,

What he did is disgusting.

[GreenMango]

Wait... .I  was  under  the  impression  we  cannot  refer  to  them  as  "psychopaths/sociopaths/antisocial"  on  here  ?  Why  the  double  standard  ?

Let's just say for prosperity's sake this man isn't a sociopath he has engaged Carri in a power and control game with the intent of inflicting emotional pain.   His goal is to win here.  That is remarkably psychotic.

-GM

[truly amazed]

Hi Carrie,


Love this ... .

silent treatment, blanking (devoid of interest), crazy making (circular arguments, diversion tactics), lying, invalidation, withholding (brutal humor, denial, ordering around, threatening, withholding affection, sex, name calling, no win situations ~ control by proxy).

Could add quite a few others but the pathological double blinds ... .or no win situations a killer ... .you answer either way its heads they win tails you loose.

Now to your ex ... .had different but similar games from kids in trouble to she wanted to commit suicide ... .

These and you own contact was a situation where you had to answer or appear like the monster they are.

Sad but after several of these sorts of things all about my ex and supposidly her moving on and happy ... .it just didn't stop till total NC was enforced.


So for you change numbers ... .emails block them ... .they turn up ... .call the police if needed ... .they call dont answer ... .


Total and complete NC is the only way. Whilst 13 months out my ex still tries ever few weeks via email ... .blocked ... .blocked on FB along with her family.

I fell for some of the sick scenarios early on ... .till it was apparent it was just a game.

If sadly they get thru your defences ... .ignore ... .dont read letters ... .emails or respond. Even if the old suicide thing is pulled as my T put if ... .you cant control them. It is not your responsability for them they are adults ... .my own response if this was pulled again would be to call the police or abulance.

Now lastly and most important ... .a lesson sadly you have learnt as to how demented and sick your ex is.

Forgive yourself ... .pat yourself on the back and be kind to yourself.


NC ... .nil nada ... .zip ...

take care 

[Carri1]

I finally got rid of the raw pit in my stomach.  I stopped by CVS and got some Tums.  It helped.  I came home and had a Peppermint Tea , some soup and then a nap.  I woke up a while ago and was proud of taking care of me.  

He is soo Gone!  I'm thinking that over last weekend he didn't call me and I didn't call him.  I told my T on Tues that I wasn't calling and have to put up with drama.  I'm wondering if he moved it up a few notches so I would talk to him.  NC from now on!  I will put him back on "reject" on my phones.  That worked before til he got a new number.  My phone didn't recognize it.  I have a home business and I think customers would not like if I keep changing numbers.  He did catch me off guard this time because it had been 2 yrs NC.  I should of hung up!  I don't understand why the abused becomes the abuser... . Hugs to you all who have helped me today!  I do love the site because you all understand BPD.  Thanks!