I am at a loss and heartbroken

[BrokenheartinNJ]

Hello,
This is my first post after reading numerous ones on this site. I found this site after I was faced with a breakup from a women I dated for 6 years. I am at a total loss of what happened and ask anyone that reads this please don't prejudge what happened until you read the entire thing.

My relationship started with this women over six years ago. We are both in our mid 50's now. We were friends in high school and to be honest I always had a "crush"  in my earlier years... .fast forward 30 years later and we made contact on Facebook discussing our schools 30 year reunion that was going to take place later that summer. We chatted for a few weeks and things got more graphic on her side. She was telling me that she married at 22 and divorced because her husband was a drug user. She also said she wanted to get married because she hated college and has ADD and studying drove her "crazy". She confided in me that she was so depressed before and after the divorce that she use to lock herself in her bedroom and cry endlessly. She saw no future and was so lonely. Years later she married again and had three kids. She told be that the early years were good but for the past five years she would fantasize that someone would rescue her from her husband who she said emotionally abused her. A knight in shinning armor she would tell me and I was hers.

I don't know why I got involved but I believed that things we so bad and she was leaving her husband. I was shocked how she was so cold to the man she had three kids with. She told me she hated him. In addition, she was also at odds with certain family members because they didn't approve of her seeing me while they were married.

Over the first year... .we grew our relationship. I think she wanted a firm commitment for marriage even before leaving her ex. I was taken back a bit because we didn't know each other that well and our last point of contact was 30 years prior. Over a period of time I began to feel that she was very special to me and she made me feel like I was the most important person in the world. She was beyond romantic, loving, etc.

With all the good I started to see some odd things also. We lived about 25 miles apart. She would call or text me all upset because it was taking me so long to get to her. I explained that I work and then would hit traffic but would be there as fast as I could. She didn't seem to care. She would also accuse me of talking or trying to get back with my ex wife. Then kept asking me if there was someone else. I tried to explain that I had certain things I needed to do during the week and sometimes the weekends but she didn't care. She made me feel like I was abandoning her. She kept telling me she was on a emotional roller coaster over our relationship. I tried my best... .I worked on her house, built a bedroom for her daughter, a family room for her kids... .but nothing was enough. She would tell me that when she didn't hear right back from me she would go "crazy" with thoughts.

Fast forward a few years and about 3-4 mini break ups... .she comes over one night and tells me its over for good. She was done with me and nothing would change her mind. She blamed me for not taking care of her. That I ruined her plans for her future. I was left heartbroken. This was the women I was going to be with the rest of my life... .just threw me out of her life.

I am left here thinking what did I do wrong? I loved her deeply but she now says I hurt her so bad. I can't understand what I did? How can someone who claims that I saved her from an abusive marriage, won't even talk to me? She cut me off from our families and friends. Refuses to return things that are mine after promising. For the first few weeks she went back to her routine of taken perocets and xanax, as well alcohol to help her at night when she would get depressed over our relationship. She made it a point to tell me this, after promising she would never do this again.

I am devastated from all of this and can't figure what I did other then support and love her. I some odd way I miss her and deeply worry about her, but I know I can't be the one that saves her unless I put myself back into this environment... .but she's locked me out of it right now. What can I do?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[ArleighBurke]

I am devastated from all of this and can't figure what I did other then support and love her. I some odd way I miss her and deeply worry about her, but I know I can't be the one that saves her unless I put myself back into this environment... .but she's locked me out of it right now. What can I do?

Living with a BPD is a endless rollercoaster. No matter what you do, there will be conflict, drama, accusations... .That will never end. It's not about you - it's about her. YOU CANNOT SAVE HER - drop that thinking immediately.

I know that ending a 6yr relationship is painful - do you really want back in? If so, there is much on this site you can learn. But remember that no matter what you do, SHE will always have the inner conflict. I would suggest spending a few weeks with no contact. Really try to decide whether she is worth the endless conflict, or whether a more stable partner would be better. Sorry to be harsh - but at 50 you have a lot more of your life left, and this is at least your second relationship so you don't have that "she's the only one" thinking... .

[BrokenheartinNJ]

Thank you for your reply and insight! What you say is so true. This has been the toughest 6 years in my life. The last 7 weeks have been tough with NC, but I do know its for the best. You are so correct... .it really is all about her. During this last and 'final" breakup, she slipped and said a few things that I thought about after the fact. She mentioned how her life is now going to be so bad in a few years, since her alimony was going to end. I guess she was counting on me to marry her and support her.  How I ruined her dreams, etc... .never once was I mentioned in the conversation. I begged her to stay and I would do my best to change... .later thinking, change what? How could she just toss all this time away.

Moving on... .I sometimes get text messages from her but I asked to please leave me alone, as I don't bother her. I am taking this time to clear my head. Somehow I feel like I have to watch over her. I don't know why I feel that way. I pray all the time that God watches over her and leaves me out of it.

[ArleighBurke]

We love our partners, even when they become ex's. And wanting the best for her is normal/natural.

Please remember - if you are Non Contact, then you do NOT need to respond to any of her texts... .Not even to say "stop"... .