MIL keeps making my life hard

[educator]

So... .when my DH thought I was going to leave and divorce him, he ran back to his mom after 3 1/2 years of NC.  She convinced him to see some top dog lawyer and took all of our tax documents to her home.  She also had our life savings as well as he took that out and stored it at her house.

Well... .DH and I have worked things out... .I am seeing a T and we'll start marriage T soon as well.  DH got the savings back, but had forgotten about the tax documents.  This all happened about a month ago. 

MIL got angry with me when I went over to her house with DD9, DD4 and DH to see BIL a couple weeks ago.  Originally she said that BIL couldn't be around me because my r/s with DH was so toxic.  Well... .that wasn't true.  His GF actually said she wanted to meet me and DH mentioned I'd be coming over and MIL said nothing.  Everything was fine that night until the next day.  MIL told DH I could no longer go to her house until I had a face to face meeting with her to discuss the past.  I didn't want to do this because her recollection of the events doesn't match mine.

Yesterday, DH asked her to give him the tax returns.  She said not until I met with her.  I was irate.  So, this morning I called her and left her a message asking her what her goal was in meeting with me.  She claimed I left a message that was disrespectful saying that she wanted to discuss bull.  DH didn't believe her.  Now, she said she never wants to see or talk to me again.

I just don't understand.  It seems like I can do nothing correct.  The worst part is, that DH is allowing her to see our DD4.  DD9 doesn't want to see her at all.  I just don't feel comfortable with someone seeing my kid who refuses to speak to me or allow me to their home.  Is this an uacceptable boundary to make with DH?  He seems to think my r/s with his mother has nothing to do with her r/s with DD4, but I saw what she did to DD9 and I don't want that to happen with DD4.

[claudiaduffy]

I'm really, really glad you and your DH are going to see a T soon. Please let us know how it goes! Do you have any other respected friends/spiritual authorities in your life that you and your husband mutually trust and look up to? Having one or two such friends in on your process together could be really helpful to you both.

[Pilate]

It's hard trying to please the "unplease-able."

I just don't understand.  It seems like I can do nothing correct.

It sounds as if you have the hope that you can please your MIL or show her that you can do what she wants in a way that will satisfy her; is this correct?

From your posts, your MIL exhibits behaviors of someone with a mental illness.  Your MIL is unhappy and ill; there is nothing you can do--correctly or incorrectly--to change her behaviors or beliefs. She is who she is. You can, however, concentrate on your "stuff/behaviors" and working on yourself like you've been doing. The way that your MIL keeps changing her requests and upping the ante would suggest that the work you are doing on yourself is causing a change--even though the change is often stressful for you.

It sounds like you have two issues that are causing you distress: 1) taxes (legal/values-boundary) 2) DD's relationship with MIL (family/values/boundary).


It doesn't seem legal that your MIL can keep your taxes until she talks to you. It also seems inappropriate that a parent holds hostage the taxes of an adult (married!) child--even though your DH obviously made the original decision to give them to her based on fear/anger when it looked like divorce was pending.

However, I don't know how confrontational/worth it it would be to legally demand the taxes from her. This seems like something your DH should deal with (it's his mom)--is he seeing a T? Maybe this is something he can work on figuring out with the marriage T or individual T.

The DD/MIL relationship is another issue, and your concern and fear are understandable given the experience of your older DD. Again, this seems like something that would be valuable to bring to your marriage T together. Think about what your values are for your DDs and their relationships. Maybe you and your DH can come up with some shared values for how you want your DDs--both DDs--to be treated and create values-based boundaries around those shared values.

[educator]

Claudiebutterfly... .thanks.  We have seen our pastor, but I am not sure I want to see him again about this.  So, we are waiting for a marriage T.

Pilate... .yes... .she is really mentally ill. I'm not sure if the cops could make her give them to me or if I could get them by going to a lawyer, but in all honesty, I don't think it's worth it.  DH no claims that she'll give them back next time he sees her, but I'll believe it when I see it.

I think that the I'll have to process DD4 and MIL's r/s with a marriage T.  For now, I talked to DH and said that after DD4 goes out  with MIL on a planned outing they have (MIL bought tickets) I'd like the rest of the encounters to be supervised for awhile.  If I had it my way, my MIL would have no access to my kids.  I don't see her as an emotionally safe person.  DH and I were on the same page with that for 3 1/2 years, but now he is so fogged he can't see the danger she poses to our DD4 with her emotional abuse.