Is this BPD?

[Depression = 72% of members]

 I was seeing someone for about a year and have questions,now that the relatonship is over(he broke up with me),about rather his behavior is BPD.When we met,he was still married but said he was about to get divorce(I know-famous line).We were dating but it became clear that he would bounce back and forth about how he felt about me and her.One minute,he missed me so much and wanted us to spend more time together,then after we had been togther,he would pull back and become very distant-that would be after he had cried to me about his problems and his life etc... .Well, he finally asked his wife for a divorce,and she says yes but next thing I know,he is trying to reconcile with her,even though the papers had been filed.Then four days later,they decide NOT to reconcile,and he tells me that the reason why he agreed to reconciliation in the first place was because he was afraid to be alone.So finally,they have agreed to "just be friends". Well, no sooner is she on a buisness trip,he asks another woman out and they hang out over each others houses,she introduces him to her kids(all in the course of TWO weeks of dating) but then he starts to pull back,because things are going "way too fast" and that relationship ends.Well, in comes the stbex wife(they are still living together-waiting for her place to get finished in Oct.),she finds out about his latest romance and goes thru hes email and finds emails from over the years from a bunch of ex-girlfiends.

I know nothing about this man's childhood,except that he was adopted-and according to him by good people.I am unaware of any abuse.As far as past relationships go,I know that he has typically jumped from one realtionship to another.One of the women was an alchoholic.She verbally abused him.Anyway,here lately he has told me that he didn't want to be with me,that I deserve better,and that there is something  wrong with him.He said that he doesn't even know what love is and that he is incapabe of loving anyone.He said that the mood swings that he goes thru are killing him and that he doesn't want to continue to hurt  people anymore.He also said that he doesnt want anymore serious relationships right now,that he needs to work on himself and seek professional help.He is constantly putting himslf down-constantly.The stbex wife is sill living at his house but something tellls me that she is proabably still trying.He is extremely sexual and at one point a couple of yeras ago when he and the ex were going thru marital counceling,he ws reffered to a therapist that dealt wih sexual addiction.He told me that at the time that this happened that he had been looking at escort services on line because he was tired of feeling undesireable.I do know that with is first wife(yes he has been married twice but I guess that is not all that unusual),he had ran up thoousands of dolars of credit card debt going to see strippers).Now,with giving you as much history as I  can,you may be asking why Iam questioning rather or not he is BPD. The thing that is throwing me is that he has been gainfully employed at the same job for 8 years and has gotten a promotion.Also does there always have to be child abuse or abandonment issues ?And is being placed up for adoption consisdered to be an abadonment issue?(he was like two when his parents adopted him-that is very young).Also,he isn't volitile in terms of anger-as a matter of fact,his stex has hit him and threw things at him,and HE has threatened to call the police if she didn't stop.But yes,he does do things to sabotage relationships.He says he is tired of feeeling this way and that he just wants to be normal.(and he does smoke pot-has for many years because of anxiety issues.And says that he can't stay focused).He seems to genuinely feel bad for all of the pain that he has put his stbex thru and says that he was the cause for the demise of their marriage.But said that for some reason he was never satisfied with her and that he put walls up that she couldn't pull down.So is this classic BPD,Bi-polarism... .?       

[ithurts07]

 I was seeing someone for about a year and have questions,now that the relatonship is over(he broke up with me),about rather his behavior is BPD.When we met,he was still married but said he was about to get divorce(I know-famous line).We were dating but it became clear that he would bounce back and forth about how he felt about me and her.One minute,he missed me so much and wanted us to spend more time together,then after we had been togther,he would pull back and become very distant-that would be after he had cried to me about his problems and his life etc... .Well, he finally asked his wife for a divorce,and she says yes but next thing I know,he is trying to reconcile with her,even though the papers had been filed.Then four days later,they decide NOT to reconcile,and he tells me that the reason why he agreed to reconciliation in the first place was because he was afraid to be alone.So finally,they have agreed to "just be friends". Well, no sooner is she on a buisness trip,he asks another woman out and they hang out over each others houses,she introduces him to her kids(all in the course of TWO weeks of dating) but then he starts to pull back,because things are going "way too fast" and that relationship ends.Well, in comes the stbex wife(they are still living together-waiting for her place to get finished in Oct.),she finds out about his latest romance and goes thru hes email and finds emails from over the years from a bunch of ex-girlfiends.

I know nothing about this man's childhood,except that he was adopted-and according to him by good people.I am unaware of any abuse.As far as past relationships go,I know that he has typically jumped from one realtionship to another.One of the women was an alchoholic.She verbally abused him.Anyway,here lately he has told me that he didn't want to be with me,that I deserve better,and that there is something  wrong with him.He said that he doesn't even know what love is and that he is incapabe of loving anyone.He said that the mood swings that he goes thru are killing him and that he doesn't want to continue to hurt  people anymore.He also said that he doesnt want anymore serious relationships right now,that he needs to work on himself and seek professional help.He is constantly putting himslf down-constantly.The stbex wife is sill living at his house but something tellls me that she is proabably still trying.He is extremely sexual and at one point a couple of yeras ago when he and the ex were going thru marital counceling,he ws reffered to a therapist that dealt wih sexual addiction.He told me that at the time that this happened that he had been looking at escort services on line because he was tired of feeling undesireable.I do know that with is first wife(yes he has been married twice but I guess that is not all that unusual),he had ran up thoousands of dolars of credit card debt going to see strippers).Now,with giving you as much history as I  can,you may be asking why Iam questioning rather or not he is BPD. The thing that is throwing me is that he has been gainfully employed at the same job for 8 years and has gotten a promotion.Also does there always have to be child abuse or abandonment issues ?And is being placed up for adoption consisdered to be an abadonment issue?(he was like two when his parents adopted him-that is very young).Also,he isn't volitile in terms of anger-as a matter of fact,his stex has hit him and threw things at him,and HE has threatened to call the police if she didn't stop.But yes,he does do things to sabotage relationships.He says he is tired of feeeling this way and that he just wants to be normal.(and he does smoke pot-has for many years because of anxiety issues.And says that he can't stay focused).He seems to genuinely feel bad for all of the pain that he has put his stbex thru and says that he was the cause for the demise of their marriage.But said that for some reason he was never satisfied with her and that he put walls up that she couldn't pull down.So is this classic BPD,Bi-polarism... .?       

[2010]

It doesn't matter if you cross the T and dot the i or what the middle initial is... .the behaviors are clearly negative and clearly negative life *patterns.* 

she finds out about his latest romance and goes thru hes email and finds emails from over the years from a bunch of ex-girlfriends.

He has triangulated you with not just his wife, but the many replacements that came before, possibly during and of course, afterwards. For some reason you know allot about these replacements which means that the boundaries concerning privacy are non-existent. That also means that your privacy is not being protected in the pattern. The knowledge of the ex-wife and ex-girlfriends you must admit, also implies they know of you.

The betrayal of his wife also cannot be overlooked or downplayed as a factor in the drama of the marriage. You and she are in the same boat as women- but she has legal ramifications- she may need to fight for control of the non existent boundaries and put them in place before she jumps overboard as the marriage ship capsizes- hence her anger is justified as she tries to steady the boat and get things on an even keel- probably very difficult for her as her husband scapegoats her to you and to others.

He said that he doesn't even know what love is and that he is incapable of loving anyone.He said that the mood swings that he goes thru are killing him and that he doesn't want to continue to hurt  people anymore.He also said that he doesn't want anymore serious relationships right now,that he needs to work on himself and seek professional help

He seems to be quite up-front with you about his disturbances which gives you an "out" without blame. This is a gift he is giving you- he accepts responsibility- although it's at a victim stance. Does this make you still want to stay involved?  Perhaps his Wife also wants to remain involved- that way he can remain in the marriage with the thinking that he's permanently a victim.

Did you feel like you could aid him in his quest to escape her and life a happier life?  The pattern of instability in interpersonal relationships causes people to feel certain attractions- especially concerning Victims and Persecutors and fulfill childhood schema's (a hidden need- also a pattern) to step in between the two arguing parties and rescue one of them.  Do you still feel this way or are you suffering guilt by letting go of the idea?