Are You an Enabler?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I have learned that being an extreme people helper is a controlling trait.

I learned this through the school of hard knocks... .

Reading all of the posts that I have read perhaps has been angry making and at the same time I realize how I have been in the past, and it is being brought to life in the reads. Perhaps that is where I should truly place my anger... .on me... .

I will say this, however, I don't stay... .I have not been with an abuser for very long even when married.

So, my sickness is maybe I don't stay but I can't seem to draw or pick a healthy person. Which, IMO, means I still have work to do... .

Also, I have not had someone in my life enable me to stay stuck in my stuff. In a way I don't feel loved, but at the same time, not having enablers has forced me to do away, in quick manner, with people that harm me.

I don't have family members, friends or co-workers who allow me to be anything but functional.

So, when I read about years and years of people enabling abuse and when I read about years and years of someone abusing someone and it is being allowed I scream inside... .

People not enabling me is what brought me to the point of becoming proactive instead of a victim.

How about you? Are you a victim or are you a proactive in your life for healthy living?

[hangintherebaby]

I have learned that being an extreme people helper is a controlling trait.

I learned this through the school of hard knocks... .

Reading all of the posts that I have read perhaps has been angry making and at the same time I realize how I have been in the past, and it is being brought to life in the reads. Perhaps that is where I should truly place my anger... .on me... .

I will say this, however, I don't stay... .I have not been with an abuser for very long even when married.

So, my sickness is maybe I don't stay but I can't seem to draw or pick a healthy person. Which, IMO, means I still have work to do... .

Also, I have not had someone in my life enable me to stay stuck in my stuff. In a way I don't feel loved, but at the same time, not having enablers has forced me to do away, in quick manner, with people that harm me.

I don't have family members, friends or co-workers who allow me to be anything but functional.

So, when I read about years and years of people enabling abuse and when I read about years and years of someone abusing someone and it is being allowed I scream inside... .

People not enabling me is what brought me to the point of becoming proactive instead of a victim.

How about you? Are you a victim or are you a proactive in your life for healthy living?

[ViciousCycle]

I was definitely an enabler in my relationship with my uBPDx, however I really didn't know any better as far as what a real relationship was. To me, that was what it was all about. Looking back I feel like such a fool for thinking and believing in the things I did, but can I really blame myself? Well, I need to hold myself accountable, but I can't continue to beat myself up over it! The truth is, I really didn't KNOW any better how to love another human being in a healthy way... .let a lone a sick one! I've learned so much from this relationship about what a healthy relationship is all about, I can't imagine myself doing the same things in a relationship ever again. It is a very sad thought though to know that I enabled my uBPDx the whole relationship when I thought I was "helping" her, sometimes I feel ashamed but at least that lets me know that I'm human, I feel remorse, and I've learned my lesson.

Now I am proactive in living a healthy life all around, and things really are going pretty good but I've still got a lot of work to do 

[timebomb]

We get so skittish with them because we sorry for them because they have a disorder. after awhile i had to take the kidgloves off and let her have it... .the way she was ruining lives and using people was sickening. she needed a blast of harsh reality and truth and she got it... of course i have not heard from her since but i don't care... the truth is the truth!

[FindingMe2011]

We get so skittish with them because we sorry for them because they have a disorder. after awhile i had to take the kidgloves off and let her have it.  the way she was ruining lives and using people was sickening. she needed a blast of harsh reality and truth and she got it... of course i have not heard from her since but i don't care... the truth is the truth

 I can really relate to this. Man did I let out about, well.  a lifetime of crap, and 13 yrs worth of BPD torture, on her.  Although we have children together, ( I really believe she would have disappeared, as she has with all her other r/s ) it still amazes me how the reengagement attempts continue. But I dont try to put logic into crazy anymore. I most of the time can find the bright spot and smile or laugh. Its like nothing ever happened.  Yet I still hear the smear campaign, on the backside, and the crazy-making stories from the kids, and thank my lucky stars. Im just glad Ive been able to put the pieces of the puzzle together. Getting to know myself, a little more, has been the best. Knowing how to respond has made a huge difference. Learning how to detach, and heal, in a healthy way, is even better.  PEACE  

[stillbreathing]

I have learned that being an extreme people helper is a controlling trait.

I feel like it controlled me to some extent. I was a rescuer to my exgfwBPD's victimhood in the beginning of the relationship. There was always a new "problem" that I was called to help with or fix and I jumped each time. (Yes, it was my choice to act and I accept responsibility for that.) Near the end, there was a problem that she would not allow me near. I was a bit puzzled. The reason I was not allowed near it was so she could paint me black to others for not fixing it and to lure a new rescuer... .my replacement.

[Clearmind]

Yes ~ learnt behaviour from my mum.

Being an enabler is not allowing others to make their own mistakes and is actually counter-productive.

There is a great book called "I don't have to make everything all better" ~ check it out.

[truly amazed]

Hi Hangintherebabe,

I don't have family members, friends or co-workers who allow me to be anything but functional.

So, when I read about years and years of people enabling abuse and when I read about years and years of someone abusing someone and it is being allowed I scream inside... .

People not enabling me is what brought me to the point of becoming proactive instead of a victim.

How about you? Are you a victim or are you a proactive in your life for healthy living?

Well said and a great point.

Sadly I suspect we are all enablers ... .every one of us on this board.

I certainly am. No question at all ... .none.

Like many I thought I was dealing with something else not BPD and didn't hear about it till after the RS ... .so thought my love tolerance and kindness would repair the damage caused by a prior awful relationship.

How stupid ?

Reality post RS I now am pretty sure what happened during her previous relationship was not great but it was very much her giving it rather than the other person solely to blame. Of this I am totally sure because when i look at the horrors she described to me about her previous relationship ... .and then reflected on what I tolerated ... .virtually every bad behaviour she claimed her ex did ... I sadly allowed it to happen to me.

Yes I enabled ... .and kindness and love ... .along with stupidity was my own excuse. No not berating myself too much. I enabled and allowed this behaviour ... .I enabled it.

There is no excuse for it. None ... .you made me hit you because I was angry ? Her to me ... .I never even raised my voice. Abuse in other forms ... .gaslighting ... .projections ... .and the whole kitbag of crap. Always totally on the defensive and walking on egg shells the whole time.

Boundries and along with many I had a parent with BPD or something close to it so the behaviour was familiar and my tolerance for this was immense. That said the BPD person just pushes till even the most tolerant person cannot take any more.

But yes ... .by not enforcing boundries ... .what is accepted and what is not ... .I enabled her to do what she did.


Fine line between enabling and accepting some people have moods and quirks and tossing them or a relationship in the bin because you do not accept these differences for what they are. Careful ! I got accused of this by my ex BPD and should just accept the rage episodes ect ect and lack of real object constancy ... .I love you I hate you stuff.

That said ... .oh my ... on honest reflection there were about 20 deal breakers I knew about during the relationship let alone the other 20 I found out afterwoods. Secret drug problem cheating ect ect. She knew my lack of tolerance for even her binge drinking and abuse sessions was wearing thin so the other stuff was not revealed. I did however have 50 plus episodes of dealbreakers from being hit or kicked or spat on to the usual verbal abuse and every other form of terror.

I was an enabler and I am not proud of it. I have boundries ... .and with a parent with BPD I strangely enforced these boundries with the parent and have for 30 years ... .but let them slip with the gf with BPD.

Reality and honestly if in some ways we were not all enablers and tolerated behaviour outside what is normal or acceptable none of us would ever be in a BPD relationship EVER.

Boundries and deal breakers ... .I have about 40 or more ... .cheating ... .drugs ... .constant criticsm ... .verbal abuse ... gaslighting ... .projections ... .physical abuse on and on it goes.

I now enforce them and am in a new and lovely mutual RS with someone special. Being with someone with BPD taught me a lot and I have taken these lessons and grown ... .as we all must do.


Take care  

[2010]

I have learned that being an extreme people helper is a controlling trait.

Yes it is, when the controller seeks to objectify others in order to provide their individual self esteem.

I don't have family members, friends or co-workers who allow me to be anything but functional.

Isn’t that also a controlling trait that objectifies you? 

Not being “allowed” to fail must make you very determined to hide your real feelings from these people. That must be very hard for you when you feel unsure of yourself.  Sometimes Narcissists demand perfect mirroring of others in order to feel secure about themselves.  They get angry when the people they have subsumed as whole do not represent them as perfection.  If you grew up with Narcissists, you may have learned this and had to shut down your feelings as a coping mechanism in order to survive.

So, when I read about years and years of people enabling abuse and when I read about years and years of someone abusing someone and it is being allowed I scream inside... .

You should. The demand that you appear perfect and always functional is also a form of abuse.

People not enabling me is what brought me to the point of becoming proactive instead of a victim.

Moving on quickly does not make you less of a victim. Instead, it disallows your feelings and causes you to victimize your real self.  Your feelings are actually very important to your mental health- and one of the reasons you became involved with a person who initially mirrored you and loved everything about you was that these feelings were allowed to surface.  Your Borderline partner gave you a mirror to look at and not only did you like what you saw, but you were allowed to express your feelings too.

Enabling the mirror is not really about another person’s ability to falsely mirror you.  It is about your belief and your participation in your own belief that involved tremendous feelings. Walking away from the disbelief that the belief has changed (and the subsequent feelings in the aftermath) does not allow for any self introspection as to why you initially became attracted and involved with this person- nor does the walking away from these questions make you more proactive than someone who chooses to stay. Being proactive is staying with your feelings and discovering (finding out a little bit about yourself) and that’s very, very painful- but it does not make you a permanent victim.

If you don’t begin the process of letting go of the detached protector in yourself who needs to appear perfect in the eyes of others, you’ll never unravel the mystery of why you felt the need to prevent yourself from appearing imperfect in other people’s eyes.

For the most part, the discovery of this false persona (the face you put on to hide your true self from harm) is the most important ability to have in the aftermath of the failure. You may pick and choose the same people to support your perfection (false self) so that the anxiety of your real feelings in the aftermath get stuffed down and hidden away, but when you deplore weakness in yourself with the overcompensation of being “proactive” and perfect, you only push the recovery and the solution to your pain further and further away. (Now, that’s victimizing yourself.  )

It is OK to be hurt. You can appear in need of help. You do not have to be perfect and functional to be proactive. You don’t have to continue to return and enable the behavior- but you do need to be able to ask for help in the aftermath of it.

If you don’t have any friends who allow you to be imperfect- then find a support group or other people in recovery. Recovery is a process- it’s talking about things that you weren’t allowed to talk about in your childhood.  Recovery is not as simple as unlearning how to unblock your feelings, it’s also understanding what happened to you to get you this way and how it’s affecting you now, and then making changes. 

[hangintherebaby]

I have learned that being an extreme people helper is a controlling trait.

Yes it is, when the controller seeks to objectify others in order to provide their individual self esteem.

I don't have family members, friends or co-workers who allow me to be anything but functional.

Isn’t that also a controlling trait that objectifies you?  

Not being “allowed” to fail must make you very determined to hide your real feelings from these people. That must be very hard for you when you feel unsure of yourself.  Sometimes Narcissists demand perfect mirroring of others in order to feel secure about themselves.  They get angry when the people they have subsumed as whole do not represent them as perfection.  If you grew up with Narcissists, you may have learned this and had to shut down your feelings as a coping mechanism in order to survive.

So, when I read about years and years of people enabling abuse and when I read about years and years of someone abusing someone and it is being allowed I scream inside... .

You should. The demand that you appear perfect and always functional is also a form of abuse.

People not enabling me is what brought me to the point of becoming proactive instead of a victim.

Moving on quickly does not make you less of a victim. Instead, it disallows your feelings and causes you to victimize your real self.  Your feelings are actually very important to your mental health- and one of the reasons you became involved with a person who initially mirrored you and loved everything about you was that these feelings were allowed to surface.  Your Borderline partner gave you a mirror to look at and not only did you like what you saw, but you were allowed to express your feelings too.

Enabling the mirror is not really about another person’s ability to falsely mirror you.  It is about your belief and your participation in your own belief that involved tremendous feelings. Walking away from the disbelief that the belief has changed (and the subsequent feelings in the aftermath) does not allow for any self introspection as to why you initially became attracted and involved with this person- nor does the walking away from these questions make you more proactive than someone who chooses to stay. Being proactive is staying with your feelings and discovering (finding out a little bit about yourself) and that’s very, very painful- but it does not make you a permanent victim.

If you don’t begin the process of letting go of the detached protector in yourself who needs to appear perfect in the eyes of others, you’ll never unravel the mystery of why you felt the need to prevent yourself from appearing imperfect in other people’s eyes.

For the most part, the discovery of this false persona (the face you put on to hide your true self from harm) is the most important ability to have in the aftermath of the failure. You may pick and choose the same people to support your perfection (false self) so that the anxiety of your real feelings in the aftermath get stuffed down and hidden away, but when you deplore weakness in yourself with the overcompensation of being “proactive” and perfect, you only push the recovery and the solution to your pain further and further away. (Now, that’s victimizing yourself.   )

It is OK to be hurt. You can appear in need of help. You do not have to be perfect and functional to be proactive. You don’t have to continue to return and enable the behavior- but you do need to be able to ask for help in the aftermath of it.

If you don’t have any friends who allow you to be imperfect- then find a support group or other people in recovery. Recovery is a process- it’s talking about things that you weren’t allowed to talk about in your childhood.  Recovery is not as simple as unlearning how to unblock your feelings, it’s also understanding what happened to you to get you this way and how it’s affecting you now, and then making changes.  

Thank you 2010... .I will have to read and re-read your comments, and will get back to you once I have made them a part of my psyche. Some of your words brought tears to my eyes and some, I realize are coming from a perspective of not having all of the information.

What I appreciate the most is that you took time out of your life to help me, someone you don't even know... .and, for that, I thank you!

[sadblueeyes]

[Like many I thought I was dealing with something else not BPD and didn't hear about it till after the RS ... .so thought my love tolerance and kindness would repair the damage caused by a prior awful relationship]

I did the same thing! I guess I'm an enabler, too.