Contacting BPD's past exes. Worth it?

[just_think]

So I had become a bit... .how do you say it... .obsessive... .about the disorder.  I had found out she had run to the ex she had cut out of her life because he "used to physically abuse her by holding her down on the bed and hitting her"  right after we broke up. I found this... .odd with as much sht as she used to talk about him. 

I found his blog.  Went back to his older posts to get a feel for him.  Got a good idea of what he was like as a person and realized that he was a lot like me in many ways and seemed like someone who was definitely not abusive.  Followed him for a while after.  After she moved on to the next guy, I saw that she was dragging him through the mud once again so I contacted him. 

I told him everything I knew, we exchanged notes, verified that she used to be the one who would rage and hit, not him (projection), and even told him about this site.  We ended our conversation fairly awkwardly and haven't talked since, but like I said, he's a lot like me so waddling away awkwardly is what I would do (and did) in the situation. 

One day, I look forward from the call from this current to be ex.  I would like to take him out for a beer

[seethelight]

What I have learned from this roller coaster ride of x's is:

Be cautious of what you want of out of talking to an x and why? I understand validation. My self-esteem has been shot. I have been cheated on and told that I cause him to cheat cause I was the abusive person. I am not an abusive person. I was blamed for the failure of the relationship.

His current x. I could never contact, but I read her custody court document, it painted a pretty accurate picture of emotional abuse and alcoholism. But I would never contact her.

I could see that the abuse she took was the same, yet different from mine. Maybe cause we are very different people. Hence each relationship is different and you may not hear what you are expecting.

I was in a position where I needed to understand and validation from his other x.  She shut me down. She was an x from 8 years ago, but she couldn't talk about it. The pain of her ordeal was so great that she still couldn't talk about it.

I have heard through her friends little things about his personality. Which have given me a touch of validation.

But I need to heal my own self esteem.  Many times I have just sat back and played his words back to myself, but with new ears. I have done my own soul searching cause that is where the real answer and healing is...

[rollercoasterrider]

I think most on here are right on the mark when they say that contacting the ex really doesn't make that big of a difference.  You all know your own reality.  You all know that it is you that you need to learn to love and appreciate.  Validation of your pain and your gut reaction to it by contacting their exes has not in any single case made you aware of a "huge mistake" that you made.  Nobody has said they regret leaving their pwBPD because of what they learned.  Your gut instinct was right 100% of the time.  However, when some did get the information to validate thier feelings, they then question the information, suggest the r/s was different, they are different, the length of the r/s was different, etc.  With facts in hand, you now question the source.  So why go to another source, that in the end you will doubt.  Just like you all doubted yourselves for years.  Listen to the gut and the feelings you already have.  But most importantly, figure out what you want and how to get it for the rest of your life.  At some point, we all need to figure out how to move forward, and I don't think looking back is going to help that much anymore.

Now with that said... .LOL... .(Dr Phil would eat me up for lunch), I did my "investigating" while still with my xuBPDgf.  I had direct talks with her estranged (I thought stbx) husband.  He wanted her back in his life in the worst way.  He still does for that matter.  He of course would not talk with me as I was her current love interest.  However, he would talk with others (at least he thoght they were "others", and I found out all kinds of lies, triangulation (read definition), etc.  I soon discovered how I was being played, and how he was being played.  It was much bigger than a triangle.  It  amazed me just how "cunning"(manipulative) she is.  Of course everyone one in the ring was co dependent (as am I).  Which made her hooks go deeper, because we wanted to believe her.  I recycled several times even after knowing all this.  I loved her so much that I let her walk on me too.  I have been NC for a 5 weeks now and still miss the things we did together.  But I don't miss her.  She was never really there except in body and manipulative action.

I am learning to deal with my co dependency and addictions and hope some day to feel much stonger.

[htl67]

Fwiw, I would just throw the phone away. The potential for anything good to come from it is far outweighed by the bad that you would be subjecting yourself to. Just allowing yourself to be drawn back into the mess in any way is a setback. Why not just toss the phone and continue to move forward?

htl67

[once removed]

i dunno.

after a few months out, i discovered that my ex was no longer friends with two of her best female friends. i actually found it odd that neither of those girls had removed me as facebook friends. i wanted to talk to them pretty badly, but i didn't. some months later, i finally did. at this point, honestly, it was more about loneliness, wanting to talk to somebody/anybody, and possibly be friends with these people. it really wasn't much about my ex. i certainly had questions and curiosity though, but my imagination was enough.

eventually i did talk to them. again, these were friends, who were no longer friends, not exes, or people who still had any contact with her. chances of backfire seemed pretty unlikely. your situation is a bit different. i did learn a lot. i learned that my ex had declined even further than i thought. i learned it happened almost right away. that the situation with her new guy was just ugly. that she'd totally isolated the both of them, flipped out on everyone, etc. the first one i talked to told me she still considered me a friend, which made my day, invited me to stay at her house if i was ever in town, and told me to save her phone number. i felt great, although i haven't heard from her since. i suspect i will when/if she's in town. with the second, i learned a few things i had some questions about. i'd always wondered if any of them found my ex ditching me and jumping in a new relationship strange at all. their answer? "oh, totally." the convo ended abruptly as she had to go to work. she said she'd get back to me when she was there, but never did. not sure why. dont think she suddenly didn't want to talk about it, as she wished me happy birthday sometime later.

so yeah, that helped me a little, gave me validation, though i didn't really need it. knowing that my ex had declined gave me some satisfaction. not to know that she was suffering... .but you know, to know she wasn't living it up and all "happy" while i was miserable. and to know, as if i didnt already, exactly what kind of a bullet i dodged. and that she's more ill than i ever knew.

i'd heed all of the advice coming your way though. it can backfire big time. talking to exes is way different than friends who are no longer even friends. you definitely have a risk, as mentioned, of one relaying the conversation. you may hear some things you may not want to hear. it's your call, i dont see a big deal either way. if it will make you feel better, great, just be aware and prepared for the consequences.

[bpdex]

I wouldn't do it unless you were in a situation where you needed evidence in a court setting.  Even then you have to tread lightly.  Otherwise if this is purely personal let it go.  You were right... .Is that affirmation enough?