Its over. Or is it?

[Sword]

Quick update and summary.  I went NC with my BPD over a month ago, and over a week ago dropped a message over voicemail that I did not want to talk to her any more because she had hurt me very badly.  She wrote me an email I had a friend read, the summary was that she blamed me for everything, wants to let me know 'i have turned down all offers for sex and dates' (uh ok?) but was happy I could have loved a person like her, and she wished me well in life.

So all the excuses are typical, as is the general anger in the email, but here is my question, she seems fine with the fact it is over between us.  Is this at ALL typical that they claim this, but a week, a month, a year later I hear from her?  I am hurt she turned to anger, but it is going to make the healing faster, that being said, is it dangerous to celebrate being completely out of this?

[blender]

In my VERY similar experience, they always try to come back, when it is right for them.  It's ALL about them.

[2010]

I went NC with my BPD over a month ago

(I decided I was finished communicating.)

over a week ago dropped a message over voicemail that I did not want to talk to her any more because she had hurt me very badly.

(I continued communicating to say *I wasn't* communicating.)

She wrote me an email I had a friend read

I disallowed our own relationship privacy.

the summary was that she blamed me for everything, wants to let me know 'i have turned down all offers for sex and dates' (uh ok?) but was happy I could have loved a person like her, and she wished me well in life.

I got my apology.  I am now getting off of the drama triangle as a victimized partner which is how the relationship must play out if I want it to stop.

here is my question, she seems fine with the fact it is over between us.

"over a week ago dropped a message over voicemail that I did not want to talk to her any more" I am hurt she turned to anger, but it is going to make the healing faster. She is hurt you turned to anger, but it is going to make the healing faster.

Is this at ALL typical that they claim this, but a week, a month, a year later I hear from her?  

"Is this at ALL typical that they claim this, but a week, a month, a year later" she hears from you? We can continue to passive aggressively communicate to say *we are not* communicating for the rest of our lives- and remain in the relationship this way.  It's up to one or the other to put an end to it. (Try to make that be you. )

that being said, is it dangerous to celebrate being completely out of this?

Yes. The majority of people who come to the boards have many defeats before they realize that they are responsible for the break-up- not the Borderline.

[Sword]

2010, you are quite presumptuous in your response.

While I did break no contact, it was for my own sanity, not of hers.  I wanted a firm point in my mind that it was over.  Now I have it.  You may think I will recycle, but that would be wrong.  I have cycled for 6 months, I know what it is like, and this is different.  I am through with her.  I will be NC a month from now.  I will be NC a year from now.  I will still be on this site though to share my story and help others.

As to your presumption, its quite unneeded and unfounded.

[trellabor]

YOU decide if it is the end or not. Why did you have your friend read you the email? Is that any different than reading it yourself as you got the details anyway? If you continue to stay in contact in any form then it isn't over, and you will not get over it. Breaking NC will not save your sanity, and gives her power back over you. It's up to you whether to put an ultimate end to this or not. If you do, you go FULL NC that means no phone, no txt, blocked emails and no friends buffering messages to you from/about her. You have to decide how bad you want it.

[Sword]

Yeah I realize that.  It is a weakness, as I knew reading it myself would cause a relapse.  It is similar to having my friend clear my phone out of her text or voice messages.  Is it 'weak'?  Maybe, but for me it is better to not have the mental anguish of seeing her name and the start of messages like 'its your fault... .' 'i hate you... .' before I can delete them.

This is all new to me, and I am doing it the best way I can.

[MarshaDole]

Sword, I hope you will read 2010's input again. I'm where you are re the exBPD BF in my own life. I ruminate constantly about what happened in the relationship, and it's already been a number of months since we split up. I've come to accept that the disengagement process of getting off the drama triangle has a lot of ups and downs until we FINALLY exit the triangle once and for all. For some of us, that can take years, but I'm determined to do it in months, which is why I'm in therapy for the first time in my life.

I've learned that I cannot fix the person we love. More importantly, I no longer even want to try to do that. I would rather be alone and regroup and maybe have the possibility of finding a good, mutually rewarding relationship somewhere down the road. I've learned that we can only work on ourselves and, hopefully, that work will make us available for the healthy relationship we deserve.

I say after a while because even as I type this, I have a therapy session in an hour.

I haven't had any contact this week with my exBF because it's the holidays and most people I work with, including him, are on vacation.  So this week has given me a lot of time to think and reflect. I'm hoping to start off this upcoming new year with a firm resolution: I want BPD out of my life, and it's up to me to make that decision and carry it out. My exBF can't make that decision and stick to it. I already see signs that he will attempt to recycle with me. I want to be able to say NO and mean it when that attempt occurs. I know this isn't easy., and reading 2010's post was very helpful to me, although it was somewhat painful to read.

Good luck to both of us in our recovery and moving on in 2012!

[2010]

2010, you are quite presumptuous in your response.

I presumed that you are having trouble letting go based upon the title of your post. I apologize if I hurt your feelings.

I'm glad that you've reached closure. 

[blender]

From my perspective, 2010's insight, knowledge and advice has been nothing short of life saving.  Bless you 2010.

[trellabor]

Yeah I realize that.  It is a weakness, as I knew reading it myself would cause a relapse.  It is similar to having my friend clear my phone out of her text or voice messages.  Is it 'weak'?  Maybe, but for me it is better to not have the mental anguish of seeing her name and the start of messages like 'its your fault... .' 'i hate you... .' before I can delete them.

This is all new to me, and I am doing it the best way I can.

I can understand that. Your r/s is still very newly ended so the pain is still fresh.

But, consider this - using a buffer to get those messages is similar to going to the Dr.(or Dentist works) for a shot and before they actually give it to you they rub your arm with that slight-numbing agent first so it doesn't 'sting' so bad. The shot still hurts, but the initial pain is reduced. It's really really hard to remain strong for NC, and you will go through different stages of wanting/feeling like you need her, to being mad, to feeling like you dont care either way. It's been 3+ months since i left my ex and i still have really hard days and better ones. I can't say i've had 'great' ones yet but they are certainly better than the bad times with my ex.

[LifeIsOn]

Ok I'm confused on this thread... .what you mean it not over? Meaning if they still talking or all that. It makes them think they can come back whenever? I understand the nc but that part of its not over confused me...