I reminded her, once again, that EVERYONE knows that our marriage is having issues and most know that she has be unavailable to me emotionally and physically for over 4 years now.
How does "EVERYONE" know about your personal life? Are you talking to "everyone?" Have you determined that it is your right to cross marriage boundaries and share with outsiders that have no business getting involved? Have you determined that you will control the information posted to the friends, family and neighbors? Is there any way for her to have her privacy back? :)oes she have a right to her privacy?
These are people that care deeply for me and that the only things that I've told them are the things that she has done to me, like the separate bedroom, that really can't be hidden anymore.
What do you mean it can't be "hidden" anymore? What is your reason for announcing this and what do you expect to get in return for it? This leaking of information is suspect. The information should be between two people and a marriage therapist until the time came that you decided to split apart from each other. Everything would be done in relative repect. Not doing so and over-sharing with others who are not professionals would cause anxiety to any Spouse. Not only is there a fear of the unknown- but there is also a need for boundaries. Undermining the boundaries by sharing with inappropriate people is disrespectful.
Additionally that my friend and I talk at least twice a week depending on our schedules when he lets me vent about her antics and supports me as a friend should... .yet she gets pissed
Of course she feels ganged up on. Wouldn't you? I would think it would be better to be more compassionate toward your Wife and allow her the privacy to detach from you in a way that supports her emotional health rather than feeling shamed by your proxy members. Why do you think that she doesn't feel persecuted by your "twice a week" venting schedules with a friend that appears to be on-call and available to listen about your perceptions of "antics?" What reason does she have to succeed when she is pulled into your triangulation
(read definition) to defend herself?
Painting other black is an art form that I am far from fully understanding
Just become aware that you are doing it to your Wife.
I guess what I am looking for is how you have all handled their moods towards your friends and family since I could use some coaching as I expect the next few months to get very turbulent as she is searching (failing mostly) for an apartment to move into.
Well, you're not making it easy for her by undermining her efforts and talking about her to "everyone." I would try to recover some privacy, put boundaries in place and begin to allow her (and yourself) some dignity. The sooner you detach from the reactions of the outsiders the sooner the drama will cool down. Only then will you each allow the other to go your separate ways without blame and take full responsibility for your own self determination.
