First time on board - mom with BPD

[Elizabeth2424]

Hi all,

I have recently come to the realization that my mother has BPD.  She moved away from her childhood town to be close to my family (2 children and a spouse) and me several years ago, and expects me to be best friends with her, invite her to dinner all the time, and is jealous of my relationships with other people.  My father (they were divorced) recently died after a long battle with dementia, and when he died she made it about herself and disregarded my feelings.  I'm still angry from that.  This past week she asked if she could come over for Labor Day evening.  I know it is because she gets lonely on holidays.  One of my kids was going back to school the next day, so I said that we needed a quiet evening around the house.  She responded by saying (over email) that we need to talk about our relationship because something has changed.  It has changed, but there's absolutely no way I can have an honest conversation with her about why it has changed, because she just lash out and threaten to move away.  My therapist says to validate her feelings ("I'm sorry you feel that way" and to leave it at that.  She will not relent, though.  At one point I had suggested we talk with the help of my therapist, and she wanted to do that but then said that the only way she could do that would be if she could talk completely confidentially and that I couldn't share any of the information from the session with anyone else (like my spouse or siblings).  I said no.  Now, I don't see the point of talking through a therapist because I am so angry with her and I know she is not capable of understand where I am coming from.  I just feel so helpless.  I am trying to set boundaries but she is pushing back so darn hard.
Thanks for listening!

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Elizabeth2424!  

Thank you for joining us and for sharing some of your story! I know the first post can be intimidating but it is helpful when we share and can support each other. This is a safe place to talk about the struggles you are facing with your pwBPD behaviors.

Here are a couple of links for you that I think may be helpful.

SET

Validation and Invalidation

BPD BEHAVIORS: Projection

I would guess your mom is both projecting and seeking to self sooth. What do you think? Such behaior can be maddening to those of us who are adult survivors of a pwBPD. You are right that it will most likely not help to explain what is going on to her, yet it is a trap that we call into because we desire and falsely believe that what we say THIS time will make the difference. I am glad that you are seeing a T.

Looking forward to hearing your thoughts about these links.  

 
Wools

[Fingerpaint]

Hi Elizabeth! In a very similar situation. We've been relying on my mom for childcare but I think that has to sto. Last night my mom breezed in 45 minutes late for dinner, then stormed out after my husband asked her to back off one of the kids. Of course there's backstory I'm leaving out. It sucks. I think we need to figure out some other way of dealing with the kid afternoons, it just complicates everything...