Impulsivity

[CassieZoo]

My husband and I have been married for a little over a year, during which time he's exhibited some concerning impulsive behavior. For almost 3/4ths of our marriage he has been unmediated and was not yet diagnosed, so I was somehow able to be understanding about it in retrospect. He has been medicated now for about 4 months and during the span of the last 4 months he's admitted to doing some "creepy" impulsive things. I don't really know what to make of these admissions, because I'm trying not to be judgmental. For example, he began repeatedly texting a 14 year old (nothing sexual) with advice and general conversation, and today we got into an argument and he went to the movies to cool off. While there he spotted a woman alone and followed her home... . nothing happened but I am genuinely concerned that it could? I don't picture him being capable of sexually exploiting anyone(that is his self medication of choice) but how else am I supposed to wrap my brain around his creepy actions?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Clearmind]

Hi Cassie and Welcome!

I am sorry to hear you feel this way  . I would imagine its very unsettling for you. I understand he is recently diagnosed - how has he taken the diagnoses?

Cassie, how are things between you and hubby?

CM

[Surnia]

  Cassie

how are you?

[CassieZoo]

Our relationship has been fairly rocky the last few months... . he is battling a pornography addiction and where the addiction ends and the BPD begins (or even if they are 2 separate issues or related issues), has me wound up pretty tightly.

He has not had a job for months. It makes me sad and also upset to come home from work and realize that he has spent his whole day watching TV and masturbating. I even went so far as to put a password on everything and take all remotes with me to work for a couple weeks... . as you can imagine that wasn't helpful. He just went out and bought a universal remote. THAT he can get off the couch for.

So I recently told him that I can't be the lady with a purse full of remotes everyday and that he would have to decide how his life was going to play out and if he was happy living this way. Yesterday I came home to find he had accomplished several small things... . not much but better than nothing. I'm just afraid to hope for any permanent change, to be honest... . he's disappointed me so many times. And I KNOW I can't put myself through another year like the last, so if he doesn't want to change (and we've already established I can't force him to... . I tried), that leaves me with the heart-wrenching task of filing for divorce?

Which is a confusing sentiment altogether... . who in their right mind would be sad about divorcing someone who has put me through what he has for the last year? I feel as if I almost respect myself less for sticking by him. I guess my over all feeling is confliction... . I love him sometimes and an disgusted others... . I want to stay sometimes but want to go most times... . I'm determined to try as hard asi can to make things work... . but WHY?

[Surnia]

Good to hear you again, cassizoo.

I think it is so okay being sad about a divorce. Even if it a relief in some ways. In the beginning of love we see of the good sides of a person and we have so much hope - divorcing is also saying good bye to all the hope living happily with this man. 

I agree with you, you cannot control his TV addiction. 

Reading through your lines I think you are truly undecided. So perhaps this board, the Staying board is not the best place for you to post. Don't worry about it for the moment, lets see what others think about it.

Please keep in touch, cassizoo.

[Clearmind]

Cassie, one of the most important lessons I learnt is that I could not change my partner. What I did do was go and get myself some therapy! Are you able to do that? Its important you begin to gain back some self worth. Its then you can make a decision about you wish to do and how to move forward.

Right now I sense you are deep in confusion and not sure which way to turn. Decisions for you and your relationship, or even ways to make it better will be all the more harder until such time as you can begin to look out for you and get some help.