He is asking me to "try again."

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I am amazed at this thread... .so much many twists and turns.

Questions: 

• If they are in DBT therapy and appear to making process, is it wise to maintain any contact?



• Do we not tigger their disorder, and therefore, not wise



• How long does it typically take until they are fully treated, and how would you really know?

It seems to me that from all that I read, we need to go away, stay away and, maybe years... .many years down the line... .maybe only then, are you safe to resume your r/s.  Is this right?[/list]

[Sailskier]

I am amazed at this thread... .so much many twists and turns.

Questions: 

• If they are in DBT therapy and appear to making process, is it wise to maintain any contact?



• Do we not tigger their disorder, and therefore, not wise



• How long does it typically take until they are fully treated, and how would you really know?

It seems to me that from all that I read, we need to go away, stay away and, maybe years... .many years down the line... .maybe only then, are you safe to resume your r/s.  Is this right?[/list]

[Suzn]

Your first question is a hard one. Its a personal choice. How much can you handle? Have you learned how to communicate with the tools availible? (SET, validation, etc... .) There are success stories.

Yes, we trigger them. If you're not in it for the long haul, which wont be easy, then its for the best to go NC.

If you dont know how to communicate properly, you are not helpful, you are hurtful.

Treatment is an individual process. It would be impossible to answer this in general. Its said to be years but that would depend on the depth, everyone is different. Some people wBPD are more severe than others.

Your last questions answer would be the same as the first. It would be safe to say both partners would need to be very self aware. 

[MaybeSo]

This disorder can manifest a variety of ways. For example, Steph on the staying board has a husband who recovered after several years of dbt. She had to do a lot of her own therapy regarding her codependent behaviors. Here's the difference. He was not a guy that couldn't be alone, he never engaged in emotional or physical affairs, he never had women as back ups, he didn't triangulate with other women. His BPD was manifested in severe mood swings, raging episodes and suicidal ideation that landed him in the hospital. This is the population that DBT targets and studies. Recovery means stable moods and no more trips to the ER. I've not seen any studies showing improvement in areas related to more nuanced behaviors, like needing to have women as back ups. This kind of behavior doesn't land you in the ER, it's not even THAT socially unacceptable in today's world. That's why it's hard to know if treatment actually does anything to change these kinds of behaviors. I suspect some get better as evidenced by zero ER visits, but what is really changing in a private, personal way inside the r/s? My ex never cut, and doesn't cop to having any suicidal thoughts. He's high functioning over all. They are considered invisible because they pass well in everyday life, it's spouses and long term lovers that struggle with them the most in very personal ways. It's not against the law to be a difficult relationship partner.   I've yet to find an anecdotal story or a research study showing improvement in other more relationship based issues.  Like does he stop triangulating (read definition)?

[Sailskier]

Thank you Maybeso & Suzn.

Quite a long road and tricky road.

For me, it is not a consideration... .he has not even begun therapy.  I'm so afraid of being pulled in as GJ.  Knowing the facts keeps me grounded.

[SunflowerFields]

This disorder can manifest a variety of ways. For example, Steph on the staying board has a husband who recovered after several years of dbt. She had to do a lot of her own therapy regarding her codependent behaviors. Here's the difference. He was not a guy that couldn't be alone, he never engaged in emotional or physical affairs, he never had women as back ups, he didn't triangulate with other women. His BPD was manifested in severe mood swings, raging episodes and suicidal ideation that landed him in the hospital. This is the population that DBT targets and studies. Recovery means stable moods and no more trips to the ER.

Precisely.

This is the absolute key to everything.

I wondered for a long time how it is possible for someone to have BPD and not have to have backups. Then, recently I corresponded with a seasoned BPD poster from the Psych boards. He is about to start DBT. He also never had backups or other women to run to and could be alone. It turns out he is dually diagnosed with BPD and Avoidant Personality Disorder (AvPD). His AvPD overrides the typical flashy, outgoing nature of BPD. Voila. There is the answer.

I've not seen any studies showing improvement in areas related to more nuanced behaviors, like needing to have women as back ups.

Me neither. DBT is actually supposed to help only LF BPD's or those of the kind of Steph's husband and this poster. Schema is supposed to work for all and it lasts less long. But I am still to see any story of a pwBPD of the types much more prevalent here (with N or histrionic tendencies) who actually went through it and got cured.

[eeyore]

They are considered invisible because they pass well in everyday life, it's spouses and long term lovers that struggle with them the most in very personal ways. It's not against the law to be a difficult relationship partner.   I've yet to find an anecdotal story or a research study showing improvement in other more relationship based issues.  Like does he stop triangulating (read definition)?

Same with my BF.