Just broke up -- oof

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I recently called it off with my gf of two years, rounding off a final 3 month period of intense breakup/makeup attempts.

I read the little guide here of advice regarding breakups with someone with BPD and it all rings super true to me.  It's helpful to be reminded that I am damaged and I am a trigger for them -- because so often I feel like it's super easy to place the blame on them and their overreactions and abandonment fears.

The dynamic between us was intensely positive and very fulfilling in so many ways and it has made the breakup a lot harder than had there been a specific moment where I could just be like "ok NOPE -- this is over" (i.e. like discovering cheating or experiencing abuse).  I often thought it would be easier to end it if the relationship grandly went down in flames (as far as moving-on goes), but I also feared how literal those flames might be (as there had been ideations of suicide on her part and hints of vindictive behavior at times).  There were many times I had broken up with her only to be convinced not to end it abruptly, to let her down slowly, so to speak, and this always resulted in attempts to restart.  I'm an intensely loyal and committed person, so it wasn't hard to appeal to my tendency to make every possible effort.

I was so afraid of making a terrible decision in leaving her.  There is truly so much that I love about her, not the least of which is her tireless commitment to self-improvement and healing from her trauma (and managing her BPD).  I had previously been in a long term marriage where my partner made zero effort to self-improve (/do therapy / talk through issues) and I placed a lot of virtue in someones commitment to improvement.  I thought if I just stayed the course and kept forgiving the moments where we clashed that it would get better; that the solution for our struggles was just around the corner.  If we talked just a LITTLE more we would figure it out.  It was exhausting.  Both of us were laid out for days, weeks sometimes, after a clash.  Both of us would cope unhealthily. And that, for me, was the ultimate undoing.  The seemingly endless need to cope after I spent time with her -- it felt like we could never make progress or grow despite all the potential we felt there was.

Anyway, what I still am struggling with is whether or not a friendship with her is a good idea.  She has remained in contact with her other exes and it never felt like a problem (for me in the relationship, or for her).  Honestly I don't know if she is interested (or will be interested), given the intense pain and negative emotions she is no doubt enduring in regards to me for calling things off.  I told her I was interested in exploring one with her when it felt safe to do so, when we can have boundaries and the pain of the breakup is behind us.  I'm curious if anyone here has maintained any kind of friendship with their BPD-ex?

[emo-scorpio]

I recently called it off with my gf of two years, rounding off a final 3 month period of intense breakup/makeup attempts.

I read the little guide here of advice regarding breakups with someone with BPD and it all rings super true to me.  It's helpful to be reminded that I am damaged and I am a trigger for them -- because so often I feel like it's super easy to place the blame on them and their overreactions and abandonment fears.

The dynamic between us was intensely positive and very fulfilling in so many ways and it has made the breakup a lot harder than had there been a specific moment where I could just be like "ok NOPE -- this is over" (i.e. like discovering cheating or experiencing abuse).  I often thought it would be easier to end it if the relationship grandly went down in flames (as far as moving-on goes), but I also feared how literal those flames might be (as there had been ideations of suicide on her part and hints of vindictive behavior at times).  There were many times I had broken up with her only to be convinced not to end it abruptly, to let her down slowly, so to speak, and this always resulted in attempts to restart.  I'm an intensely loyal and committed person, so it wasn't hard to appeal to my tendency to make every possible effort.

I was so afraid of making a terrible decision in leaving her.  There is truly so much that I love about her, not the least of which is her tireless commitment to self-improvement and healing from her trauma (and managing her BPD).  I had previously been in a long term marriage where my partner made zero effort to self-improve (/do therapy / talk through issues) and I placed a lot of virtue in someones commitment to improvement.  I thought if I just stayed the course and kept forgiving the moments where we clashed that it would get better; that the solution for our struggles was just around the corner.  If we talked just a LITTLE more we would figure it out.  It was exhausting.  Both of us were laid out for days, weeks sometimes, after a clash.  Both of us would cope unhealthily. And that, for me, was the ultimate undoing.  The seemingly endless need to cope after I spent time with her -- it felt like we could never make progress or grow despite all the potential we felt there was.

Anyway, what I still am struggling with is whether or not a friendship with her is a good idea.  She has remained in contact with her other exes and it never felt like a problem (for me in the relationship, or for her).  Honestly I don't know if she is interested (or will be interested), given the intense pain and negative emotions she is no doubt enduring in regards to me for calling things off.  I told her I was interested in exploring one with her when it felt safe to do so, when we can have boundaries and the pain of the breakup is behind us.  I'm curious if anyone here has maintained any kind of friendship with their BPD-ex?

[NarcsEverywhere]

No, I wanted to, now I’d never do it. It’s very noble to have a sense of duty, I have that same issue, but I find it gets me into trouble too, because martyring yourself won’t work. Do you think this potential friendship would be fulfilling in some way, or would it just torture you?

Would you do it out of pity and obligation? They are so easy to pity, it’s what got me into a lot of trouble, even in friendships with them. My sense is the orbiting ex boyfriends were left there as back up plans, that’s what my ex did.

Still, you’ve gotta trust your own instincts on what to do. Each one is different. But there’s probably a lot you don’t know too.

[capecodling]

A friendship is not something I recommend, at least until you’ve healed the trauma bond and have zero romantic / sexual reactivity to her.  With my ex-BPD friendship
just gave them a way to charm by offering sex and having it lead back to a relationship, next thing I knew the nightmare had restarted.

[emo-scorpio]

A final follow up here... we ended restarting/ending our relationship a couple times after my post on June 3, 2023 (now it's June 2024).  Eventually earlier this year I reached a point of certainty surrounding my desire to date other people... but like my previous post, I still wanted to remain friends with my BPD ex.  I still had very strong feelings for her and there was intense attraction anytime we saw eachother, but I made it clear that any time we spent and any intimacy we shared was just casual at this point.  We tried a situation where we were just "dating" on occasion, as though we were single and dating other people as well (which we weren't of course), and each encounter ended with some form of another "breakup".  It became exhausting:  we'd have an amazing fun time, great sex, all needs being met, and then emotional processing of her quandry surrounding why I could show up for her in such a nice way but not want to be in a relationship with her.  About two weeks ago I told her we can't do sleepovers any more.  I'd be happy to hang out on smaller time frames, maybe just get lunch or coffee.  But not more sleepovers, no more sex --- just platonic friends. 

The evening after that conversation she ended up coming over to my house (despite me asking her not to) and she proceeded to strip naked and demand I have sex with her.  I told her I didn't want to and she told me she wouldn't leave unless I did.  Essentially I was sexually assaulted. Due to the late hour I eventually relented to her staying the night, and eventually sleeping in the same bed with her, and one thing led to another and we had sex.  I got to a point where I ended up being aroused even though I had told her I didn't want to have sex.. It's a wierd place to be, as a guy.  I ended up deciding that I might as well take advantage of the situation.  The next morning (when she had agreed to leave), things went south majorly.  She accused me of abusing her, she demanded we get back together, and she refused to leave my house.  On multiple occasions I tried to call the police but she attacked me to wrestle the phone from my hand.  Eventually I calmed her down enough and got her out of the house... only for her to still refuse to leave my driveway.  I finally called the cops and this caused her to leave.

It was unbelievable to me... having to go through that.  I was so pissed and hurt.  I blocked her on my phone, I removed her from all social media associtions.  And when I got back from my therapy (which was around this same time) I burned and/or threw away any picture of her or postcard or letter I had saved of hers.

Later in the day I sent her an email detailing that our friendship and romantic relationship was over.  She pleaded for me to meet with her, but I had no interest. 

In hindsight I was unreasonable thinking that it was possible to remain friends with her or date her casually with no issues.

So PLEASE READing done.

[PeteWitsend]

As a guy, I've been in similar situations, where she's willing, but you know you have no long term interest and don't feel the same way for her that she does for you.  It's probably better to just move on and let her find someone else, and stop wasting your own time going around in circles.  There's just no way to keep something like that casual; it's always going to lead to more and more drama. 

[tina7868]

Anyway, what I still am struggling with is whether or not a friendship with her is a good idea.  She has remained in contact with her other exes and it never felt like a problem (for me in the relationship, or for her).  Honestly I don't know if she is interested (or will be interested), given the intense pain and negative emotions she is no doubt enduring in regards to me for calling things off.  I told her I was interested in exploring one with her when it felt safe to do so, when we can have boundaries and the pain of the breakup is behind us.  I'm curious if anyone here has maintained any kind of friendship with their BPD-ex?

In hindsight I was unreasonable thinking that it was possible to remain friends with her or date her casually with no issues.

I don`t think that there has to be an ultimate answer, as in, `no you cannot be friends now and forevermore`.

That being said, Iit sounds like there is a lot of baggage and events to process and sift through from the romantic relationship before a friendship can make sense. You have mentioned her feelings as well, her remaining desire to be with you, which is another big factor in the equation. It`s also important on both ends to genuinely grieve the loss of a relationship, and having that person still actively part of your life can impede that.

How are you feeling about the situation today?

[emo-scorpio]

As a guy, I've been in similar situations, where she's willing, but you know you have no long term interest and don't feel the same way for her that she does for you.  It's probably better to just move on and let her find someone else, and stop wasting your own time going around in circles.  There's just no way to keep something like that casual; it's always going to lead to more and more drama. 

Yeah man.  Lesson learned.

[emo-scorpio]

How are you feeling about the situation today?

I'm feeling resolvedly 100% done with her.

She actually just wrote me a lengthy happy-fathers-day email in which she extolls my virtues and tries to explain/rationalize/apologize and move forward from the events.  But I'm having none of it.  I no longer want any friendship or relationship with her.  I have zero interest in processing anything with her.

I'll do my own healing, but I don't need to repair anything with her.

[ThanksForPlaying]

You're still only a day out from the Father's Day email.  Your mind may be made up now, but it will get foggy at some point.  I'm struggling with that now.  Time seems to draw me back in as I remember the good things, and the huge problems fade into the past.  I don't want to forget the reasons I called off this relationship.  It's so hard to stay strong.  She also sent me a "happy father's day" message, although in my case it was totally emotionless.  Just those words with nothing else. I don't have an answer, but I'm right there with you. 

In a past BPD relationship, I posted here about being forced to have sex at knifepoint.  She put the knife down after the sex started.  She knows I'm always sexually attracted to her, but this one time she'd done some horrible things and I was not interested.  Very similar to your story, to the point where I felt violated.  So bizarre.  I'm pretty sure she has some sexual abuse in her past and may have been trying to inflict the same on me.  Again I have no answers for you, but I feel you.

[emo-scorpio]

Damn "ThanksForPlaying", that sounds intense.  And yeah, definitely similarities to what I went through.  I appreciate hearing from you.

Of course I'm returning here to provide yet another follow up, because, much like you ("ThanksForPlaying") that foggyness/inability-to-strongly-remember-the-huge-problems lurked up on me.  We attempted to start up a friendship again --- with strict recognition that a romantic relationship was not possible, mind you. 

Silly me, thinking that was going to work.  There is so much sexual attraction between us it takes monumental effort not to fall back in.  We hooked up a couple times, and even had a nice platonic visit with my kids (I'm a single dad and she developed a relationship with them -- we still feel like family) one evening.  But, like so many times in the past, it blew up randomnly and out of nowhere:  A simple conversation about how nice of a weekend we had took a turn for the worst after I made a very small criticism, snowballing over the next hour and a half (all my attempts at cooling down the temperature failing) to the point where she cut herself (self harm) in an attempt to have some kind of control over herself.  Once I saw that blood (over video chat -- as we were in two different cities during this whole conversation), I called 911, which of course pushed her even further into her manic episode.  She ended up talking her way out of things with the police and after another 30 minutes of talking we lowered the temperature and got to a point where we agreed to honoring a super strict communication block.

But I'm like.... wtf am I doing here.  It is SO clear to me this is not good for me.  I am not capable of being the person who helps her regulate her emotions, and yet I keep allowing myself back into exactly the scenario in which that predicament presents itself.  But yet I still love her, and care for her, and really want her to get the help she needs.

After this last episode --- with the blood... I just can't.  I can't do it again.  For her sake and my sake I need to 100% cut things off.  Maybe I need to get a tattoo to remind me to stay the course and move forward and away from this relationship.