Did he really have BPD? Or was I the problem?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi everyone,

I have been posting in another thread about my ex who dumped me a while ago and having a difficult time letting him go. After some e-mail exchanges (he ignored my e-mail where I said that I just want to be friends, but I restated it over and over again until he acknowledged it and said that he understood completely), there's radio silence now.

I have been reading A LOT about BPD over the last few days. He has never been officially diagnosed, but my therapist suggested it immediately after I told her about some situations and his behaviour (however, she also stated that of course she cannot diagnose him without talking to him). I have been reading your stories and one thing has struck me: it is often repeated that BPD people don't usually own up to their mistakes. Now my ex has always done that. Every tantrum, every mean comment - he would always apologise. And when he dumped me, he sent me an email that was full of praise for me and criticism of his own behaviour. At the same time he had the whole 'why do you love me, I don't deserve this' thing going at the most random moments.

I saw him today at work and we only said 'hi' but he was very smiley. And - as I mentioned before - after ignoring my request for not staying in touch, he did eventually say that he wants to be friends but if that's hard for me he understands 'completely'. This is not really BPD behaviour, is it? Maybe he's just incredibly immature... .

[tabular]

Hi everyone,

I have been posting in another thread about my ex who dumped me a while ago and having a difficult time letting him go. After some e-mail exchanges (he ignored my e-mail where I said that I just want to be friends, but I restated it over and over again until he acknowledged it and said that he understood completely), there's radio silence now.

I have been reading A LOT about BPD over the last few days. He has never been officially diagnosed, but my therapist suggested it immediately after I told her about some situations and his behaviour (however, she also stated that of course she cannot diagnose him without talking to him). I have been reading your stories and one thing has struck me: it is often repeated that BPD people don't usually own up to their mistakes. Now my ex has always done that. Every tantrum, every mean comment - he would always apologise. And when he dumped me, he sent me an email that was full of praise for me and criticism of his own behaviour. At the same time he had the whole 'why do you love me, I don't deserve this' thing going at the most random moments.

I saw him today at work and we only said 'hi' but he was very smiley. And - as I mentioned before - after ignoring my request for not staying in touch, he did eventually say that he wants to be friends but if that's hard for me he understands 'completely'. This is not really BPD behaviour, is it? Maybe he's just incredibly immature... .

[tabular]

Sorry error: After some e-mail exchanges (he ignored my e-mail where I said that I DON'T just want to be friends, but I restated it over and over again until he acknowledged it and said that he understood completely), there's radio silence now.

[Popcorn71]

No advice to offer but I can understand how you feel.

My exBPDh has stated several times since leaving me, that I was not to blame.  Apparently he had no problem with me - it was all my son's fault!

So praise for me but criticism of my son - no apology either.

Like you, I also wonder did he really have BPD.

[janey62]

Hi Tabular,

My soon to be ex uBPDbf always eventually acknowledges that its him and his illness that is to blame, that I am blameless and that he is no good and that he will always let me down and that he hates himself for it.  He says he respects me and that I have done nothing but love and support him... . and that he is deeply sorry.  It breaks my heart because his apology is always so genuine and forlorn.

This is after he's blown up over some small thing I or someone else has done, left me and then bombarded me with vile and hateful text messages calling me all the names he can think of, comparing me to all other women who are all wh***s and b*****s, accusing me of being a gold digger!  Then there is silence for days and then come the pleas for mercy and apologies.

It's an awful illness which makes an otherwise kind, clever, decent man behave like a complete idiot!

You weren't the problem!  Whether he had BPD or not, it sounds as if his behaviour has been unacceptable and left you feeling hurt, confused and battered emotionally. 



Janey

[winston72]

The term BPD is used so frequently that it starts to shape our thinking that it is a distinct syndrome that follows a specified course.  I think it starts to be thought of something like a virus or a bacteria.  It is useful to have a quick acronym that help us connect with one another on this site in a manner that does not require a recitation of the basic issues every time.  And, of course, once here we discover the startling similarities in behaviors and their impact on us.  Still... . it is a personality disorder that expresses itself in people in many different ways in varying levels of intensity.  One of the key elements for me has been to focus on the behavior of my ex and the impact on me more so than the definition and diagnosis of the disorder.  Hmmm... . am I making sense?  I am asking myself that!

Whether or not someone fits the fullness of the diagnostic criteria is not the key issue... . how are they living and how does it affect you? 

Okay, all for now!

[santa]

If you told him you DON'T want to be friends and repeated it until he acknowledged it and now he's not talking to you, isn't that exactly what you wanted? So what's the problem? Maybe you are BPD. No offense.

You seem to keep using the "he's immature" rationale for him pretty often. I'm not sure he's the problem.

[tabular]

But santa, the thing is that he IS talking to me. He only ignored me for a few days and then he came back as if nothing happened and did not even make any reference to my request, asking random questions about my work. And once he finally acknowledged it (after I re-stated) he still asked a random question about a tv-show in the same message, just to keep the conversation going (but I ignored that one, hence the radio silence).

But you might be right, the way I am feeling now I am certainly not completely normal.

[laelle]

But santa, the thing is that he IS talking to me. He only ignored me for a few days and then he came back as if nothing happened and did not even make any reference to my request, asking random questions about my work. And once he finally acknowledged it (after I re-stated) he still asked a random question about a tv-show in the same message, just to keep the conversation going (but I ignored that one, hence the radio silence).

But you might be right, the way I am feeling now I am certainly not completely normal.

He continued to talk to you even after you asked him to stop because he was showing you that he did not respect your personal boundaries.  He did not care what you wanted, because what he wanted (contact with you) was more important.  After he did not get his "supply" from you, he went silent to punish you.

Take that time while in "punishment" to heal up so the next time he tries to pounce on YOUR boundary and contact you, you are more in control of your emotions to deal with it.

[tabular]

Laelle, I welcome the radio silence because this actually means that he 'gets it'. My initial question was more about the fact that he'd always, ALWAYS own up to his outbursts and apologise, which - according to the other threads that I've been reading - is very unusual for BPD. But I should probably stop diagnosing him and get on with my life  Let's hope it stays like this, because I am aware that even if I were to become friends with him again, yes, it would be one-sided, but what would probably hurt me the most is that even though we live in the same town and work at the same place, he'd only want to continue an 'e-mail friendship'. In the 2 months after our first break-up, he'd never be up for getting a coffee or anything of that sort with me ('no time', while doing this with his other 'friends' who have never done as much for him as I have.

[tabular]

If you told him you DON'T want to be friends and repeated it until he acknowledged it and now he's not talking to you, isn't that exactly what you wanted? So what's the problem?

Haha, now I get it. I used the word 'ignored' wrong (not a native speaker). By ignored in this case I meant that he continued with the communication without mentioning at all what I had sent to him before about not being friends. But it's fine now, radio silence for 2 days after I stopped replying to his random questions.

[janey62]

What about you Tabular, what do you want?  You say a lot about him, what he says, what he means, what you think he thinks and feels, what is wrong with him, but where are you in all this? 

I would try to focus on what it is you want and take your focus off of him... .

xx

[santa]

If you told him you DON'T want to be friends and repeated it until he acknowledged it and now he's not talking to you, isn't that exactly what you wanted? So what's the problem?

Haha, now I get it. I used the word 'ignored' wrong (not a native speaker). By ignored in this case I meant that he continued with the communication without mentioning at all what I had sent to him before about not being friends. But it's fine now, radio silence for 2 days after I stopped replying to his random questions.

LOL.   

Lost in translation.

[charred]

There is no way for us to know... . you are not even sure and you actually know him.

However... . there is no doubt you were part of the problem... . it is almost impossible to sit still and not answer back insults and bad behavior with your own... just defending yourself can make you part of the problem. Usually if there are sparks and the person is disordered... you have some issues yourself that make you guys similar enough to create a strong attraction. If the problems are big and you both have PD's... the r/s can be need driven with trauma bonding and out of this world intensity.  Normal relationships are not explosive chemistry... . they build slowly over time as the people get to know and care for each other and eventually realize there is trust and love. Typically takes a few years to get to that point. The disordered relationships are the ones where the people met in rehab, there was instant lightning, and within a month or two were moved in or married... that kind of thing is what leads people to be on this site.

If you are seeing a T, and working on your own issues... . you are living right.

These days... . pretty nearly everyone... is part of the problem... . it is hard to find people that are securely attached, trustworthy, honest, and normal.

Can round up people with PD's much easier.

[tabular]

What about you Tabular, what do you want?  You say a lot about him, what he says, what he means, what you think he thinks and feels, what is wrong with him, but where are you in all this?  

I would try to focus on what it is you want and take your focus off of him... .

xx

Good question, Janey. I have been thinking about this and right now I am so fixated on what I should have / could have done etc. If he really has BPD as my therapist suggests and considering all the similarities I find to other stories, I literally had the worst possible reactions to his outbursts/depression etc. I would just implode eventually (sometimes with time-delay, in that I sat there during an outburst, then he'd suddenly switch back to normal, and I'd see this as an opportunity to have a 'I can't deal with this ___' moment and storming off). I feel quite guilty about this now and am only processing it slowly.

I think I am having a hard time dealing with being rejected when I did nothing wrong, and when I know that the attraction was still there. I feel like there is so much unfinished business that I'd like to finish, even if it meant re-entering the relationship. I want him to acknowledge that I was not the problem, that the chaos did not disappear with me. When he recently mentioned that he had a few bad days, I immediately felt like shouting: YOU SEE? AND I WASN"T EVEN THERE! I want to reach the stage of acceptance that there is nothing that I can do, that he will move on and that I will never be validated in the sense that he'd want me back (because he has always said that I'm great and he is the one who doesn't deserve to be loved and who has to be alone forever).

As for 'normal relationships' - I only had 'normal relationships' in the past, all long-term (2 years, 2.5 years, 4.5 years). I know how it feels. My most recent one just didn't seem to be able to find himself in our relationship once the honeymoon period was over, once work started again, once there were other problems. While I'd find support in him to overcome the stress, he started to see me as just another burden (however, a burden he would turn to in order to vent, and as long as I would not voice any needs of my own all was fine).

[Take2]

"it is a personality disorder that expresses itself in people in many different ways in varying levels of intensity.  One of the key elements for me has been to focus on the behavior of my ex and the impact on me more so than the definition and diagnosis of the disorder"

This is a pretty helpful comment for me right now to focus on - my ex's behavior and the impact is has and has had on me... .    it's been intense. 

And Charred I agree wholeheartedly with your posting... .   as they say, we are attracted to our emotional equals.

I may not be BPD but I have certainly have my own set of issues that seemed to compliment my ex's issues perfectly.  Or not so perfectly.  Whichever way you want to look at it.  For all the addiction I have to him, he has said the same thing to me many many times. 

Back to focusing on me.  Tough stuff...   but I've come so far since having met my ex.  It stinks that I wish he could see that.  Because he's never apologized.  I am always the problem.  For every problem in the world apparently.