Question on Uplifting vs. Fixing

[Rockylove]

I spent enough years thinking I wasn't good enough to know that re-programing takes effort.  I use positive affirmations and try to surround myself with positive people.  For me it is encouraging and uplifting for someone to tell me that I'm worthwhile... .  that I'm a good person, but I don't know if it's beneficial for me to be uplifting by using positive affirmations with my BPD/bf. 

He seems to be less likely now (than when we first met) to reject my compliments or affirmative statements, which seems encouraging to me in one respect, but not having a full grasp of BPD, I can't be sure if I'm helping him or not.  I know it's not my job to fix him, but isn't it important for him to know that I genuinely believe he's a good person with many positive attributes?  When does giving some ego stroking cross over into "trying to fix him"?

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[eeyore]

when you have to think that hard about it.   

It isn't important for him to "know" anything.  It's all about FEELINGS.  How he feels at any moment in time generally  has nothing to do with you.  His Feelings are his and you can't control them.  Sure there are times when we feel happy because someone did something kind.  But manufacturing feelings rather than letting them naturally occur will lead to a lifetime of one upping the ante trying to keep a BPD happy. 

If you know he's a good person and you are doing you part of living with good boundaries, being humble and sincere then that is all that really matter to you.  And you should feel good about yourself.   

[Rockylove]

eeyore... .  I do appreciate your comment.  It can process my thoughts better at times when I articulate them and your post helps. 

I said something to him the other night about some of my quirkiness was me being insecure at times and he said that he was insecure ALL the time.  I really believe that we should be uplifting to our partners and it made sense to me to do that with him.  I just wasn't sure that it was at all beneficial or if it would create greater self loathing because he has such a distorted perception of self.  I don't know if I'm really explaining what I mean all that well.

[united for now]

Stroking his ego doesn't work the way you think.

His defenses and sense of shame and self hatred won't allow him to hear it the way you intend it. Instead, he will twist your positive affirmations into criticism.

Cause he is insecure all the time.

[HighFunctionBPDw]

Stroking his ego doesn't work the way you think.

His defenses and sense of shame and self hatred won't allow him to hear it the way you intend it. Instead, he will twist your positive affirmations into criticism.

Cause he is insecure all the time.

I'm sad to say this is right. For me, my husband builds me up quite a bit and always has. In the beginning I rejected his compliments outright because I couldn't trust them as I thought he was just trying to sleep with me. Now I know how to accept compliments, but it's almost as though I can't believe him because I know he is trying to make me feel better. It doesn't make sense if I think about it rationally, because his perspective is just as valid as mine, but when he tells me things, it is still hard for me not to think of them as something a parent would tell a child to boost them. They could be the ugliest child in the world but the parent tells them that they are pretty. However, we've gotten to the point that I believe him sometimes as opposed to never.

What I can tell you is that it helps tremendously when my husband validates my feelings of insecurities. We've worked to the point that he can tell me I'm being crazy (lovingly and jokingly) or that something is inside my head. For example, this would be a typical conversation:

Me: Oh my god, I am so fat. I can't believe I ate so much over the holidays. Look at these fat rolls.

Him: Honey, I know you feel fat because you haven't worked out in awhile and that affects your perspective... .  but what does the scale say (an objective measurement)?

Me: It says that my weight hasn't changed.

Him: Exactly! You look sexy. 

I know your boyfriend isn't talking about weight, but that's the best example I could think of to validate. When we aren't validated, we automatically dismiss the compliment for some reason.

[Rockylove]

HighFunction... .  I really appreciate your input here.  Most recently (New Year's Ever) we had a conversation (of course it was 3am and he was pretty well lit up) where he said he was selfish~born selfish, has always been and will die a selfish btch.  I SINCERELY don't see him that way.  I took the opportunity a couple of days later to tell him that and he seemed to appreciate that I don't see him as selfish, but one never knows what someone else is thinking. 

I just want him to know that I'm sincere and that I'm not blowing smoke up his butt.  If he perceives it as genuine, it would be productive, if not... .  I fear it will have the opposite effect and cause more harm than good.  I try to say what I feel and not overemphasize it as not to have the comments perceived as trite. 

I'm still learning.

[elemental]

Rocky I've heard loads of this kind of commentary from my BPD bf. This was mostly before I understood BPD better.

I was thinking at the time, here is this man who can be so wonderful, but for some bizarre reason that I didn't understand and he doesn't understand, does complete crap things and can't seem to pull himself out of a seriously detrimental situation ( his ex) and get enough distance on it to control his end of things.

All the result has been is every relationship he has is ruined and his life is a catch 22 of destruction.

He doesn't know why. I am only beginning to understand how deep his shame and pain is, and the hopelessness he has. It's taking away a lot of the anger I have had towards him for what he has done. I feel sad, if I had realized BPD before this, it would have saved us a lot of damage and pain in the last few months.

[waverider]

The danger of being positive is that you can invalidate their feelings. So you need to validate their feelings first before giving your take on it. Even then your take should be given as clearly your view rather than outright fact, as that can come across as a big "BUT" undermining any previous validation.

[Rockylove]

Thank you, waverider.  I didn't even think to validate the feelings~~maybe because it just seemed so outlandish, but as I said... .  I'm still learning.  I have to work on the validation thing... .  it is unnatural for me to validate someone's negative view of themselves, but I'll keep practicing!

[waverider]

Feelings are real and not debatable, whether they are justified or not is another matter. eg If someone is upset because they stood on a crack in the pavement. Then that upset is real and not up for debate. Regardless of the fact that the reasoning behind it is totally ridiculous.

This is at the heart of invalidation for pwOCD in particular, whose entire feeling base is totally illogical.

To flat out deny the feeling is to basically reinforce that you think they are nuts and you know their mind better than they do, which you dont.

In this case you may say, "I see you stood on a crack in the pavement (S), am I right in assuming that standing cracks upsets you?(E) I dont mind standing on cracks, it doesn't seem to have any affect on me at all(T)"

S= acknowleging their feeling

E= enquiring/showing interest in their feeling

T= stating the truth as you see it from your point of view

[eeyore]

I found the best thing that I could do for the relationship was to start looking more at myself and my behavior.  Me being comfortable with myself and assured that I was fine helped more than any looking at trying to help the other person.  As I became more comfortable with boundaries and self soothing myself life got so much better.  The structure and routine I was able to establish helped stop the eggshell walking I had been doing. 

[waverider]

I found the best thing that I could do for the relationship was to start looking more at myself and my behavior.  Me being comfortable with myself and assured that I was fine helped more than any looking at trying to help the other person.  As I became more comfortable with boundaries and self soothing myself life got so much better.  The structure and routine I was able to establish helped stop the eggshell walking I had been doing.  

I guess that means working on your own self confidence in the regards that you are doing a decent job, rather than being desperate to do what is right by others. That way any shortfall in expectations does not weigh on your mind

[Rockylove]

I have a difficult time with that, waverider.  I did not grow up with a great sense of self and have been battling my own insecurities for years.  I don't know that I'll ever truly overcome them all, but I have become a much happier person as a result of trying.  I have my really insecure moments and they tend to bombard me when I am fearful.

I've tried to keep the most positive people close to me and let the friendships/relationships that were emotionally draining drift away (even some family members, sad to say), but I thought through all of the difficulties I'd become emotionally stronger.  Perhaps not~~I keep stumbling. 

It always gives my ego a boost to be around someone who is positive, uplifting and encouraging and I thought that it would be that way for him too.  I guess not, but in order for me to keep myself from being in an emotional train wreck, I have to BE positive... .  say positive things, look at the bright side and not dwell on the darkness.  Maybe that's part of what he loves about me~~but it could very well be the part he ends up resenting as well.   

[waverider]

It always gives my ego a boost to be around someone who is positive, uplifting and encouraging and I thought that it would be that way for him too.  I guess not, but in order for me to keep myself from being in an emotional train wreck, I have to BE positive... .  say positive things, look at the bright side and not dwell on the darkness.  Maybe that's part of what he loves about me~~but it could very well be the part he ends up resenting as well.   

This is true but true strength requires us to be able to maintain that regardless of the influence, and support of those around us at times. It is certainly an essential characteristic for surviving a BPD relationship. Frustration and resentment are hard enough to keep at bay as it is, but add in self doubt and it becomes a real challenge. Self validation and self confidence are some of the most important core issues to work on