Micro wedding

[pikar]

Hi,

My Fiancée with BPD and I planned to get married this summer. I am a guy from a big family, used to big weddings (100+ people easily), but knowing my Fiancée, we decided to make it "small" so we figured 30 people would be acceptable.

Well, she recently came back to me saying this is not gonna be possible, too many people for her.

I guess I could've figured it out earlier, that was to be expected: a very emotional moment, difficult by itself to deal with, would turn into a disaster in front of 30 people.

It saddens her not to be able to do what most people can. But instead of giving up this time, we'll try to de the best we can with what we got.

So we're thinking tropical wedding on the sand, with our 2 best friends as witnesses and that's it, no big ceremony, no family, control.

I will do it for her without any afterthoughts, but now I have to make my family accept that they will not see their son getting married!

Do you have similar stories where you had to make choices that you would never have done because you accept the limitations that come with BPD of love?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[elemental]

When I married, we had 3 friends. I don't know about BPD, but we were happy and our families were ok with it.

After that, a few days later, we had a very large reception.

[Rockylove]

There is nothing worse than seeing Bridezilla stressed out on her wedding day.  Your family either will or will not understand, but you are the ones getting married.  Do it any way that you feel comfortable and send lots of pictures to the rest of the family.  A quiet tropical wedding sounds lovely, romantic and very very peaceful!

[ChemGuy]

pikar,

I got married about 2 years ago with a similar situation.  My family does fairly standard weddings (200ish people) and that is what I wanted.  My uBPDw wanted a small wedding (15 people).  Long story... .  we did the small wedding.  It was a nice occasion, but I do wish that we had been able to have more family there.  What "elemental" referenced (small wedding, large reception) seems like a reasonable compromise.

The thing that I was just beginning to feel then, and I am sure of now, is that the most important thing to her is HER.  Her issues made it necessary to exclude most of my family (and hers) from a quintessential family event.  She was not interested in what I wanted, she was uncomfortable and that was that.

Many situations in life are uncomfortable, and we sometimes need to overcome our discomfort to do things for the person that we love.  You are willing to forgo the type of wedding that you want in favor of the wedding that she wants because you love her.  Does she show that type of regard for your desires.  Is your give-and-take more like give<->take or give->take?

The past 2 years for me have been spent coming to the realization that the person that I love can not overcome small discomforts (read: there are no small discomforts for her).  There is no room to come to a middle path.  There is no discussion.  There is no compromise.  My way, my desires, my discomfort do not register for her.  This is a hard way to live, and to anticipate living for the next 40, 50, 60 years.  This topic is one that, laying in bed at night, I sometime think about what might have been.  If I were to rewind 3 years would I chose the same path... .  ?

As for your wedding, if you want to marry her you should probably do what she wants because... .  what's your alternative?  Your family will get over their discomfort (if you explain it to them respectfully and honestly) because they love you and they probably understand that sometimes we have to overcome minor discomforts for the people that we love.  But maybe seriously contemplate the alternatives a little bit, too.  Sometimes a lot of pain now saves much more pain later.

[yeeter]

Hi Pikar,

There are a lot of ways to do a wedding.  And as a guy, I'm in the camp of leaning towards whatever the bride prefers ( because I'm pretty adaptable that way, the wedding details aren't hugely important to me, it's the thought that counts)

The only concern I have though, is that you really consider how important it is to YOU, to have the experience you imagined.  Especially since it involves friends and family, etc, which might be very very important for you to share your life events with

Many of us here have let go of friends, isolated family, given up hobbies, things, etc.  To accommodate our partner.  Too much of this, and you lose every thing about yourself, and never do 'fix' your partners issues.    It's really easy to happen.  And something as important as a wedding is a sign that things are starting out by you making concessions to her illness.  

My wife was a mess during our wedding and planning.  Lots of eggshell walking.  And my best man even challenged me the night before 'are you sure you want to do this?'.  He saw enough flags, of what was to come.

I'm not trying to talk you out of getting married (thus is the staying board).  But maybe take this as practice on what's to come the rest of your life, to keep your own wants and needs in the picture.

Also, you might really explore closely, exactly why, and what it will mean to your life, to choose to marry someone with a mental illness.

Good luck!