Sorting the functional from the dysfunctional behavior.

[DesertChild]

Some of it is pretty clear cut. Such as saying that "Your clothes are always dirty." or projecting things onto me. Or yelling endlessly.

But some of them are not.

I'm not sure if this one is functional or leaning towards dysfunctional. Can someone clarify?

In Kindergarten my parents had me walk to the day care which was about 3-4 blocks from my school. From the day care, sometimes they would pick us up. (My Mom, to be expected was often late, putting the staff at inconvenience. I know this is dysfunctional.) When my mom could no longer bother picking us up, she had my Dad teach us the way home so we would walk about 10 blocks to our house, pretty much near the end of kindergarten for me. By the time my brother got there from school activities, and he's younger they'd pretty much given up.

It's a repeated pattern in my childhood. My mom would do something for us, but then get bored and make excuses, then either bully my Dad into teaching us, or have him do it if we couldn't. But it's a bit difficult for me to sort the functional from the dysfunctional in this case.

Is sending a child home alone 10 blocks functional or dysfunctional? Personally, I would kind of feel uneasy... .  (This was a medium-sized city)

[Befuddled 7x70]

I'm hypersensitive towards kids walking home alone and at that age is TERRIBLE!  I don't know how old you are but 10 blocks is a very long way to walk at 5-6 years old.  I have a 5 year old girl now and I wouldn't let her walk to the park by herself and it is a block away.   A 5 year old can get turned around and confused very easily, its a wonder you didn't get lost besides being traumatized by not having that security.  I think that for BPD parents they want their children to be mature and responsible and way too young of an age so they can parent the parent.  I know my uBPD mom made us walk home from school by 2nd grade and I still think that is too young (maybe 10-15 blocks as well) but at least I had a neighbor friend to walk home with. 

They just don't want to be responsible for things and to have the guilt of the teachers knowing she failed again at picking you up was probably too stressful for her so she had to figure a way out of the responsibility.  Very sad!

[Pilpel]

Is sending a child home alone 10 blocks functional or dysfunctional? Personally, I would kind of feel uneasy... .  (This was a medium-sized city)

I'd say that's dysfuntional.  What year was it?  If it was before 1970 it might be understandable.  I think people were less afraid of the odd stranger (or aquiantance) kidnapping their kids back then.  I grew up in the 70s and 80s.  People were a little more lax in the 70s.  I remember my mom letting me and my brother (4 and 7 years old) walk a few blocks to the Dairy Queen back in the early 70s.  But I think by the 80s people were keeping their kids on a shorter leash.  I live right around the corner from my kid's school.  The school is pretty much in our back yard.  I think it's about the safest area around.  Yet I walk my kids (6 and 7) to school and pick them up.  Nowadays, teachers would never just allow a kid to leave the school without a  parent or approved guardian to pick them up.  And if no on picks them up, they automatically go to day care and the parents get the bill for it.  Even though we're right around the corner from the school, if I let my kids go by themselves I'd be anxious about getting a call that they never made it to school and that they'd just be gone (abducted or wandered off somewhere dangerous) and I wouldn't know what happened to them. 

BTW, I think my mom was pretty careful, but back in the 70s she would take me shopping and just let me go off by myself.  I was only 4 or 5 years old.  She would give me a stern warning to not talk to anyone, and that I could get abducted and killed if I didn't heed her warning. And then she would be glued to pushing clothes on the racks for hours.  I think that was irresponsible of her.  Now that I'm a mom, I give them a longer leash when we go shopping.  But I could never have them out of my sight for too long.  It's easy to tell your kids not talk to strangers, not to be lured by someone needing help to find a puppy or someone who has candy.  But what if someone comes up to them in a panic and tells them mom is sick and told him/her to come get them quickly.  I know I was a very naiive and overly-trusting child myself.  I don't know that my own kids are wise enough to see through all the ways that an adult can manipulate. 

[tiredmommy2]

I think that a kindergarten aged child is too young to be left walking alone for 10 blocks. I can't recall letting my kids walk that far alone until they were at least twice that age, and that was only after I was sure that they were prepared to handle what may come up. 

Thinking back to when I was growing up (late 70s, early 80s), I can say that my mother did the same.  She allowed me to walk all over the place alone without a problem, and had been leaving me alone to raise myself since I was in kindergarten. The only time it was a problem is when she wasn't home (she didn't want anyone to know that she left me alone), so I had to stay in the house.  Other than that, she was made me very fearful of people.  She made me feel as if everyone was out there to kidnap me, and anyone who offered me candy was trying to poison me... .  Sometimes I wonder if I'm dysfunctional by being too protective of my kids.

[DesertChild]

Thanks! I wasn't 100% sure... .  I, personally, wouldn't be comfortable with it, but sometimes it's really hard to be able to tell personal preference from dysfunction when growing up with such parents.