BPDbf wants to be "just friends" AGAIN. What to do?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi All,

So my BPDbf (who, unsurprisingly, is an on-off again relationship) was going through some stress. He is an internalizer type BPD, so he hardly ever tells me what's going on in his head. He just reacts (via silent treatment, Facebook games, etc.) and I have to figure out what I did wrong or wait until he comes back around and we pretend nothing happened. Craziness, I tell ya.

So we were getting kind of close again around the holidays. We hadn't seen each other, tried to make plans to hang out, but they didn't pan out b/c I was busy with family and he was busy with his friends. Anyway, there is one guy in particular that I am friends with who I know he is threatened by. I've told him this guy is just a friend, but I know he is still worried about it, with him being BPD and all. This other guy added me on LinkedIn a month ago, but I didn't accept his request in case my bf saw it and over-reacted. Anyway, I needed to connect to another guy through this guy on LinkedIn, so I finally accepted his request last week (on Friday). I wanted to tell my bf about it first, but he was giving me silent treatment last week. I sent him an intense email on Tuesday stating some of my needs, and he always gets silent for a while when I do that.

Anyway, I think my bf saw the LinkedIn add because he went and changed his FB profile pic, made it public, too (he does this when he wants to push me away). We aren't friends on FB, but he knows I check his page sometimes. Anyway, I reacted by immediately accepting an invite to some event that this guy he is threatened by will also be attending. Silly stuff, I know. I was good about not reacting to him for months, but I had a weak moment. I think he felt bad, though, b/c he was on Skype all day Sunday (looking for me, I believe). I saw him on invisible but didn't log on. I prefer he contact me directly, which he finally did yesterday morning. He texted me about some event this Thursday, which I thanked him for.  I texted him some random thoughts later at night, after which he told me he's leaving the country for business this week. I told him we should hang out before he leaves and he said he'll try, but if not we'll hang out when he gets back in three weeks (It's already been a month and a half since we've seen each other, so that kinda sucks).

Anywayy, so I was logged on to my FB through my phone today and for some odd reason, whenever I do that, he thinks I'm online chatting with guys or something, because it triggers him. I forgot about that and I think he saw me online through our mutual friend's account. Immediately afterwards, he calls me and says hi and whatnot. Then he gives me the "let's just be friends" line. He has done this in the past when he is feeling either a lot of pressure from me (when I give him some demands) or if he perceives that I may leave him based on his paranoia about these minor incidents (which is usually not even the case). I told him it didn't make sense after some of the sweet things he said to me a couple weeks ago. He tried to explain his way out of it (with some really nonsensical stuff ). I eventually told him that's fine and to have a good trip. I also called him back to let him know I hadn't talked to any other guys for the last two years I've known him and that any guys he sees me connected to online are just friends. I think he liked that because he said "I know you're a great girl. We'll do dinner when I get back." Anyway, we obviously didn't hang out tonight and he leaves tomorrow evening. I know he is missing me right now, as he was posting on that mutual friend's FB page this evening (to get my attention, I suppose).

In the past, when he has done the "friends" thing, I have suspected that this is just one of his coping mechanisms to protect himself. And I react by giving him lots of reassurance and telling him I love him, even though he wants to be friends, which I respect. He usually comes back around a few days later. This has happened at least three times in the last year.

I can do the same thing again. I know he wants reassurance from me in addition to some space. I can give him that, like I have in the past. But I am wondering if I keep doing this when he pulls the "just friends" card, if it will encourage him to feel he can keep doing it. Ideally, if he is upset or stressed out, he should just TELL me. I've told him that, but it doesn't work. So basically, my question is do I give him what he needs right now (assurance) or do I just leave him be? I want to assure him, but I don't want to encourage this unhealthy behavior with him pulling the "friends" card. I'll admit, I've mistakenly used it on him in the past, but the funny thing is when I've used it, he's viewed it as a complete breakup and shut down. But when he uses it, I view it as a cry for attention/affection and give it to him.

What do you guys think I should do? I have a warm, friendly, reassuring email drafted up and two gifts I want to drop by his apartment complex tomorrow (both of which I bought months ago but never had a chance to give him, and one of which I want him to have for his trip). I know this will get him back again, but I don't want to reward his bad behavior. What to do?

[AllyCat7]

Hi All,

So my BPDbf (who, unsurprisingly, is an on-off again relationship) was going through some stress. He is an internalizer type BPD, so he hardly ever tells me what's going on in his head. He just reacts (via silent treatment, Facebook games, etc.) and I have to figure out what I did wrong or wait until he comes back around and we pretend nothing happened. Craziness, I tell ya.

So we were getting kind of close again around the holidays. We hadn't seen each other, tried to make plans to hang out, but they didn't pan out b/c I was busy with family and he was busy with his friends. Anyway, there is one guy in particular that I am friends with who I know he is threatened by. I've told him this guy is just a friend, but I know he is still worried about it, with him being BPD and all. This other guy added me on LinkedIn a month ago, but I didn't accept his request in case my bf saw it and over-reacted. Anyway, I needed to connect to another guy through this guy on LinkedIn, so I finally accepted his request last week (on Friday). I wanted to tell my bf about it first, but he was giving me silent treatment last week. I sent him an intense email on Tuesday stating some of my needs, and he always gets silent for a while when I do that.

Anyway, I think my bf saw the LinkedIn add because he went and changed his FB profile pic, made it public, too (he does this when he wants to push me away). We aren't friends on FB, but he knows I check his page sometimes. Anyway, I reacted by immediately accepting an invite to some event that this guy he is threatened by will also be attending. Silly stuff, I know. I was good about not reacting to him for months, but I had a weak moment. I think he felt bad, though, b/c he was on Skype all day Sunday (looking for me, I believe). I saw him on invisible but didn't log on. I prefer he contact me directly, which he finally did yesterday morning. He texted me about some event this Thursday, which I thanked him for.  I texted him some random thoughts later at night, after which he told me he's leaving the country for business this week. I told him we should hang out before he leaves and he said he'll try, but if not we'll hang out when he gets back in three weeks (It's already been a month and a half since we've seen each other, so that kinda sucks).

Anywayy, so I was logged on to my FB through my phone today and for some odd reason, whenever I do that, he thinks I'm online chatting with guys or something, because it triggers him. I forgot about that and I think he saw me online through our mutual friend's account. Immediately afterwards, he calls me and says hi and whatnot. Then he gives me the "let's just be friends" line. He has done this in the past when he is feeling either a lot of pressure from me (when I give him some demands) or if he perceives that I may leave him based on his paranoia about these minor incidents (which is usually not even the case). I told him it didn't make sense after some of the sweet things he said to me a couple weeks ago. He tried to explain his way out of it (with some really nonsensical stuff ). I eventually told him that's fine and to have a good trip. I also called him back to let him know I hadn't talked to any other guys for the last two years I've known him and that any guys he sees me connected to online are just friends. I think he liked that because he said "I know you're a great girl. We'll do dinner when I get back." Anyway, we obviously didn't hang out tonight and he leaves tomorrow evening. I know he is missing me right now, as he was posting on that mutual friend's FB page this evening (to get my attention, I suppose).

In the past, when he has done the "friends" thing, I have suspected that this is just one of his coping mechanisms to protect himself. And I react by giving him lots of reassurance and telling him I love him, even though he wants to be friends, which I respect. He usually comes back around a few days later. This has happened at least three times in the last year.

I can do the same thing again. I know he wants reassurance from me in addition to some space. I can give him that, like I have in the past. But I am wondering if I keep doing this when he pulls the "just friends" card, if it will encourage him to feel he can keep doing it. Ideally, if he is upset or stressed out, he should just TELL me. I've told him that, but it doesn't work. So basically, my question is do I give him what he needs right now (assurance) or do I just leave him be? I want to assure him, but I don't want to encourage this unhealthy behavior with him pulling the "friends" card. I'll admit, I've mistakenly used it on him in the past, but the funny thing is when I've used it, he's viewed it as a complete breakup and shut down. But when he uses it, I view it as a cry for attention/affection and give it to him.

What do you guys think I should do? I have a warm, friendly, reassuring email drafted up and two gifts I want to drop by his apartment complex tomorrow (both of which I bought months ago but never had a chance to give him, and one of which I want him to have for his trip). I know this will get him back again, but I don't want to reward his bad behavior. What to do?

[AllyCat7]

Gosh, the more I re-read the above, the more it sounds like such childish ridiculousness. Hmm, why am I in this again?

[elemental]

I had this experience.

Except it is my BPD bf and his "only friends" internet woman friend.

I don't think I am BPD, I may be wrong. But.

For me, I became set off by him talking to this woman because he had cheated on me and was very disrespectful to my feelings. This was long before I knew he might be BPD. So a pattern was set up and he spent A LOT of time around her even though he knew it was triggering me off into a lot of pain and panick.

He pretty much ignored it, practically destroyed every part of our relationship over her and now we are barely hanging on and the last year has been massively horrible.


So, a couple of questions. The first is your friend more important to you than your boyfriend. Second, stop the stupid social site games. Third, anywhere in this, does your boyfriend have a valid reason to be set off by all of this? Any history of game playing in order to make him jealous, any cheating... if so, what has been done to rebuild trust?

Am not accusing, I am curious about what started this?

I can tell you, as the recipient of such behavior, it's a horrible feeling, it's destroyed most of my hope, self esteem... .  I have had to step way back and begin to rebuild in a way that doesn't allow me to be so deeply effected by what is essentially a power game where I am not important enough for MY boyfriend to prioritize ME over some woman he never even met.

Also, if this is a pattern of behavior on your BF part to react to EVERY other guy this way, then IMO, all you can do is get serious about cutting out the little games. They will set him off and make all of this worse. You don't have room in your life to jerk him around, because a BPD is hypervigilant and will pick up on it and feel you can't be trusted.

Don't know if any of that was helpful... I am kind of in the same situation because in order for things to go back to normal with my BPD, I have to initially be the one to expend the big effort. Which is why he and I are not back together completely. I don't feel like making all of the effort right now due to being tired out on it all. I do love him, though, and want things to be ok. Just can't do it right now.

[AllyCat7]

Hey elemental,

Thanks for your feedback. I think you may have the wrong idea here. I actually have been so ridiculously loyal to this guy and it is HE who has done any and all cheating. I haven't so much as called any other guys in the last two years since I've been dating him. Meanwhile, I know for a fact that he has emotionally cheated on me with MANY girls and physically, too. I used to confront him about it, but kinda gave up recently, especially since we have been so on-off and had been long distance for the first year. Also, when I used to bring up other girls in the beginning, he would shut down. Nonetheless, I remain loyal to him. If I met someone I found to be a better match, I would probably jump ship, but not before I broke up with him first. I honestly don't even want to meet anyone else right now and have wanted a break from this relationship for a while to focus on myself, but I'm afraid if I ask for that he will view it as abandonment and paint me black forever. So anyway, I'm kinda viewing this "friends" thing as a break for me, so it is good in a way.

As for this guy, I am allowed to have some friends, I believe... .  especially as I, not having BPD, do respect boundaries. I'm all about boundaries and rules and have immense self-control (unlike my bf). Additionally, I only fall for one guy at a time, so the chances of me falling for this guy while still in love with my bf are very very low. I can control that. I would need to officially break up with my bf first and allow time to get over him before I could realistically move on to anyone else. I know that about myself. But my bf still gets paranoid over these little things... .  like if I like any guys' posts on FB (which I don't do anymore... .  even though they are just friends), if I RSVP to certain FB events in the area, if I post things on my page that guys "like" or comment on (even though he's not on my page, I know he views it through a mutual friend, so I put that friend on limited, although he can still see some stuff).

So basically, I am the really loyal one. He is the one who toys with me on the regular, much like your boyfriend has been doing to you. In fact, if I could assure that he would be loyal, I would marry my bf in a heartbeat. I doubt he feels the same about me, though.

This other friend is just a business contact and I had a good reason to accept his LinkedIn friend request. Ideally, I would have mentioned it to my bf first (knowing that he would get triggered) but he was ignoring me all last week. Yes, if I could do it over, I would have waited, but my patience wears thin after a full year of this nonsense (the first year wasn't so bad).

And regarding the Facebook games, I agree with you. I hate them. I only played them for a brief period last summer when he started the regular silent treatments, but when I realized it was hurting him (even though he plays them on the regular), I stopped. Interestingly enough, when I did stop, he injected space between us using other methods (i.e. totally ignoring me for days). So instead of FB games, there were continuous periods of silent treatment. I honestly don't know what's worse. Maybe that's why I played them a little last week. At least it got his attention . In all honesty, though, I know for a fact that I don't want either situation: having to play games to keep a guy's interest or be completely ignored on the regular. That's why I'm at my wit's end with him. I dunno. Maybe this latest "friends" round will be a final breakup on my end. I'm tired of it. I can't even talk to him about any of this, which is the worst part. So I resort to emails. He reads them, but he never replies.

As for today's email and gifts, I actually was going to carry out my plan () but when I drove by his apartment, I thought I saw him from a distance smoking out front, so I freaked out and kept driving. I texted him to ask him if he left yet, but he didn't reply. Either he saw me, too (which I hope not... .  I think I was far away enough ) or his plane had taken off already. I took it as a sign to just back off of him for a while. So no gifts. But I still plan on sending an e-mail saying I'm cool with us being friends and that, for the record, I never talked seriously to any other guy but him. I want him to know my sincere loyalty in these last two years (even though he was not loyal to me). Even if we are done, I want him to know I have integrity in that regard and was true to him.

I think I need a break :-/