My soon to be SIL has manipulated my inlaws... They believe she is perfect

[HarperLee123]

Okay I really don't even know where to begin... .  I have only been in this family for a short period of time, but have gotten along with everyone. I tried to become friends with my soon to be SIL, even spent one on one time with her because I knew she had a rough childhood growing up and needed a friend. she doesn't really have any friends except for my mother- inlaw. And for the record, I work in the psychiatric field, so being empathetic and nonjudgmental is what I do. And honestly I love what I do with my patients and I am good at it (just thought I would state that, so that everyone would know how I approached this situation). She has been dating my BIL longer then I've been married and has been apart of the "family" even lived with them for long periods of time. As of now she does not live there, but is receiving handouts related to her pity party that she openly tells to everyone (she is living somewhere "great" for free). According to my husband (who lived at home during this time),She had a child (not my niece,but I love her like she is) in her early teenage years while in foster care and upon turning 18, moved in with my inlaws and BIL that had to teach her to reer the child (especially my MIL). So upon me entering this family, I had no ideas that there were boundaries drawn up and that she apparently has the deeds to my inlaws.

Well at first, everything seemed okay, I knew something wasn't quite right with this situation, but I was still new and couldn't pin point it yet. Well, I ended up having to stay with my inlaws for a couple months, because I had some family issues. (I also came from a terrible childhood and have no family support) This is another reason why i tried to bond with her, because I can first hand relate to some past experiences. (there is only one difference I am VERY secretive about my childhood and she pretty much posts it on billboards). My husbands family knows pretty much EVERY aspect of her past and know ONLY minute details about mine.

So my soon to be SIL and I were decent to each other and sometimes on occasion we would even go out to eat. And sometimes I would offer to pick up her daughter on my way home (just to be nice) and plus I love kids (I thought i was just trying to take some of the load off of her). In everything I do with her, I honestly have good intentions. When she started college, I would tutor her (everytime she asked), gave her old text books so that she would not have to buy them etc. Well, oneday something happened (i don't know what it was... .  still trying to figure it out... .  ) but she flipped and not just her, but my BIL also! They started acting like they hated me. The only thing I can think of that could have done it, is that my MIL and I started to bond "some". I'm guessing she was having territory issues. Oh and for the record, I did not mention this vital part of information, She looks just like my MIL. She wears the same color lipstick, the same style pants, the same color hair, they talk alike ... .  EVERYTHING is just the same. It really is kind of scary. She is obsessed with my MIL. My MIL comes first in her life over her own daughter. And I have to sit back and watch this happen to this innocent child (I can't step and try with the little girl like i used to because she has turned the child against me too).

I'm sorry it is taking me so long to get this out, but I have been holding this in for ALONG time and I have got to get this off my chest. See since I don't have family of my own, when I met my inlaws, I thought "Well even though I don't have my own family, I can have a family now since I'm married". Boy was I wrong and I makes me feel like it is me... .  I tell my husband that it just seems like I grew up with a kick me sign on my back and that i can't win for losing!

She is so jealous of me or (me and my husband), but I think its just me. For instance, when my husband proposed to me on Christmas day, She went hysterical crying. It's on video, she cried more than I did. She was mad because I got engaged before her. At our rehersal dinner, she was carrying around with a picture of her and my MIL asking friends and family numerous times ":)on't I look just like her? Don't I look like her daughter?" If me and my MIL had plans to do something for the wedding, she would interfere to the point my MIL would have to back out. Right before the wedding, it got to the point that everytime i would ask my MIL to go with me here or to help with something, she would just end up telling me no. At my wedding, my soon to be sister inlaw let the DJ to continue to play the wrong music so that my groomsmen walked to to Canon in D by Lil Wayne and not the classical version that I intended. I like Lil Wayne in the right time and the right place, but not my wedding. I know that it was not her fault that he played it to begin with, but come to find out she rushed the men to walk out to the song instead of instructing DJ to change it.

My last example I'm going to give, I could keep on, but I'd be here ALL DAY and NIGHT! (Thats sad knowing that I haven't even been married a year yet!) Okay, so the week of our wedding, the "POPPED" up engaged, trying to steal our shine. And for the record, the entire time that I have known this family, I've been working away in Nursing School, and I will soon be graduating in a couple months... .  actually 90 days. So, what is the next thing for her to interfere with... .  you guessed it, my graduation! She just happened to plan her wedding day just 3 days before my graduation (I just thank God that my graduation was not on saturday... .  or she would have done it) So please help me... .  I am begging! And you know, I work with BPD, but I can't handle her because my inlaws think my husband and I are jealous and they are EXTREMELY DEFENSIVE over my BIL or my soon to be sister in law. To the point that they have almost turned my husband against his own family, but because I know what it is like to not have a family, I urge him to keep in contact. PLEASE HELP ME! ANY advice is appreciated!

[forgottenarm]

 

Hi HarperLee and welcome!   

This is a great place to get it all off your chest, so you never have to apologize for venting!  It sounds like you've had frustration building up for a while.  I'm really sorry to hear what's going on with your BIL's girlfriend.  I totally understand how it feels to want to bond with your husband's family.  This situation sounds tricky and painful.

So, you're thinking your soon-to-be SIL may have BPD?  Is she diagnosed or have you been noticing some signs?  How's your husband handling it?  Is he aware of the situation? 

[livednlearned]

Hi HarperLee123,

Ditto what forgottenarm said -- you never have to apologize for venting here! Like a lot of people in BPD r/s, it's easy to feel isolated, confused, and fearful, and this is a site where people understand. Glad you found the site and are posting. It really does help.

Does your H know what BPD is? How would your MIL respond if you explained (as a person with psychiatric expertise) that you suspected SIL was BPD? It does sound like they are enmeshed right now, so that might be too difficult a conversation to have right now. When a pwBPD idealizes you, it's very intoxicating. I know how it feels in a romantic r/s, but I would imagine it could feel the same to have a DIL behave that way. It does sound like your SIL started to feel threatened when you developed a bond with your MIL.

I'm so sorry you are experiencing this, and I know what you mean about wanting to have a family when your own is dysfunctional. No one wants to feel alone in the world  :'(

[HarperLee123]

No my soon to be SIL is not diagnosed, but she exhibits all the symptoms. And my husband does understand what BPD is, but at first he really didn't understand the true extent of her issues. He really understood it when I actually pulled out my psychiatric nursing textbook, read the list of signs and symptoms... .  and he was like she is all of those (in which she only had to have 5 or more of the signs and symptoms to have the diagnosis). We have to have talk sessions after every encounter with his family and her because we go over how they act toward us and identify her "desperate cries" for attention. This whole situation affects my husband and I's relationship, even though he knows and has known (He just didn't know what it was called) that something wasn't right with her. Also, if anyone could justify this for me that would be great... .  my husband was explaining to me yesterday that when he was younger and she first moved in with her child, that he was pushed on the back burner. He told me that my MIL was constantly involved with my BIL his fiance and her child. He says that since their dad was always working, it seemed as if their house was two different families. The families consisted of My MIL, BIL, his fiance and her child; and my husband by himself. He also confided in me yesterday that he can even tell the difference in the way his mother treats me... .  she used to love me (or at least acted like it), now she is short, distant, and belittles me at every chance possible. I know i should be able to answer some of the questions... .  but with this I feel like I can't see the forrest for the trees. But what is causing the sudden change in my MIL... .  I have done nothing but love and care for her since the first time I have met her!

[livednlearned]

HarperLee123,

Do you think your MIL might believe a false allegation that your SIL has told her? That has happened to many of us involved with BPD sufferers. Your MIL is being idealized, and mirrored, and that is a wonderful feeling -- those of us who fall for BPD sufferers find it intoxicating. But turning against someone, in my experience that happens when the BPD sufferer begins a distortion campaign.

You may find others who are going through similar struggles on the [L5]  Coping and Healing from a BPD Parent, Sibling, or Inlaw Board.

I hope you keep posting! It really does help.