is he BPD?

[soma]

hi i am new here

and to be honest i don't know if i am dealing with BPD or not... maybe you can help me with this

i am doctor... and he is doctor working at the same hospital together... we r dating lately... well iwas the one who approached him... but he was the one who insisted abt knowing how i feel and after he knew how i feel... .  he said the magic words... "i love you"

anyway... i ll make it short as could as i can

well is from really poor family... he used to work and go to school same time

his parents always fighting... his mother neglected him... and was unfair tho him and his  sisters and brothers as he explain it

his dad is rude... aggressive and really cold

he and his father still having really problems mainly communication problems... .  plus his mom now separated from his dad and live away

he had gf... who was with her for 7 yrs... then she left him... for rich guy... she is married to that rich guy now

plus he have some work problems

so i told u the whole story abt his life... he told me that he had break down like years ago... and that doctor diagnosed him with " acute psychosis" he had imagination abt having spider... that talking to him and that this spider is his friend... stuff like that... but he got medication for that and he is ok... this happened years ago

now his reactions and behavior with me :first i can see he have very low self esteem

he think iam out of his league... and that i am better than him  and i can get any guy better than him... this is all his thoughts

i try to complement him alot... to make him get over his security

he is scared that what happened with his ex will happen again with me

he told me he is scared of my msgs and my voice if i call he doesn't want to get attached too much to me... even my gifts he is scared of them... he doesn't want to get attached to me

he is saying he know i am good person... but he doesn't want to get too attached

actually i know he love me so much... he stood by me thro problems that happened to me and he didn't disappoint me on that

the thing is... whenever we get all romantic and he drop all the walls and let me in... and we have such wonderful day... the next day he act so strange... and cold

sometimes he snap for silly reason and  talk in harsh tone not caring abt how i feel

then same time he say i am sorry and i really love u and its just silly argument

he doesn't trust people... he have Gothic stly ... long dark hair... black cloths,.well it doesn't suit a surgeon but he have that style anyway... he know ppl doubt his ability by judging his look... i love his look so much and i love his hair... but i like if he would cut it... so it can make his life more easy... socially he is not that bad... but sometimes he isolate him self

he can have more than attitude abt something in the same conversation... .  s9ometimes we have this argument and he talk rude to me without really good reason over the phone then i hang up... then he call again to say i am sorry

I love him so much... he is good person... generous... and when he take his walls down... he can be wonderful lover... i can see he is scared and all his actions because of all the past he had... and the problems he currently have... sometimes he tell me the same thing " i can't understand my self... ?" "why i push u away when i love u" "sometimes i think  u deserve someone better than me so i try to make u hate me " "i feel depressed... i don't have any thing good in my life"

is he BPD?

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PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[4now]

It is a little hard to tell from what you have said. You might read through some of the other postings and see if any of the behavior rings a bell.  When I first got on this site and started reading people's stories, it was so eery. Like we were all married to the same man.  Also, to the right of this board, there are links that say "what is borderline personality disorder?" Read through some of that and see if it rings true for your situation.  Also, if you pick up any of the well known books on Borderline personality, they list the characteristics and a person has to meet a minimum to be considered BPD.  It is possible that he is or he has strong BPD traits, but you'd have to read more and or post more specific examples of his behavior.

[soma]

thank u so much for your reply

in matter of fact... i believe he is borderline after reading some articls and stories... but yet... there is littil different

he love me... he can't stay away from me... even if we fight he keep hanging on to me... and i don't know maybe this is BPD typical acts... but i have read somewhere that BPD can't love!... if thats the case... then i am sure he love me...

its not always abt the fights... i mean... he is good lover generally... and he helped me thro some problems i have faced... normally men would freak out and just leave... but he supported me

i love him so much and i am not sure where does this going to go... i am confused and helpelss i know its not my fault

but... i need to learn how to cure him... " i know its uncurable" but at least i want to help him... and i have this naive believe i ll be his cure :D

ahhh silly me

[almost789]

He sure sounds borderline to me. What suprises me is how he can express to you what hes feeling... like... he tells you hes afraid to get attached. Mine is like yours... .  after a really great close wonderful time together... .  hed suddenly go cold and speak to you as you a stranger... .  avoid... .  for some time... .  then come back all sweet and wanting to be close again like switching personalities. Cold detached empty so empty its kind of scary to see him be this way... .  then switch back again to sweet childlike needy wanting to be close. This is a very telling signs of borderline. By the way... .  you cant cure him. He needs a therapist. You dont have any experience in this... why would you think with no experience you could cure him? What you can do is provide him with stable companionship during his therapy which helps tremendously.

[Rockylove]

Physician, heal thyself.  Work on yourself and resist the urge to make him well.  The best thing you can do for him is NOT try to heal him. 

I would also love to be the turning point in my BPD/bf's life.  The one that makes him feel safe enough to stop the insanity of turning from Dr. Jekyll to Mr. Hyde.  I know intellectually that isn't possible, but my heart aches for him.  I can only work on me and if that leads to him working on his issues, I am grateful. 

[Validation78]

 

Hi Soma!

I don't think any of us here are qualified to say whether or not he has BPD. Many of us are partnered with someone who has not been formally diagnosed, yet we have observed behaviors that appear to fit in to the BPD criteria. Have you read this?

https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a102.htm

There are many resources in our Lessons, which appear to the right of the screen on the staying board. Take a look there, and perhaps that will shed a bit more light on what it is that you are dealing with.

Best Wishes,

Val78

[almost789]

Hi soma,

Val is absolutely correct none of us can diagnos your friend at all. Im assuming youve done a bit of research on the subject which leads u to believe he could be and which also led you here. Youre here looking for feedback from people whove been there, is that right?  I also assume that you are intelligent enough to know that if any of us say he sounds like it not to take that as a professional diagnosis. Please do look over all the material here it will help you alot as well as these boards and sharing our thoughts.

[soma]

What suprises me is how he can express to you what hes feeling... like... he tells you hes afraid to get attached.

oh... i didn't know that's something diffrent... he always tells me how lost he feel and how he can't get him self... saying " i don't know what i want" or " i don't know who i really am"

sometimes saying" i am not lover material... i screw everything at the end" at the beginning of our relationship " when u know me u ll start to hate me" he told me abt his cold reactions once saying he somtimes feels like he doesn't want to act so romantic sometimes... or do all the things he did with his ex who cheated on him... thinking doing the same things will make us end up the same!

i don't know... i think its good thing that he is open abt his feelings and expressing them right?

i know i can't heal him... but maybe i can make him feel littil more save... maybe bring some moments of joy... i don't know... i am just confused with all this... and i am planning to suggest for him to go see psychatric

thank u for your reply... i really appreciate it

[soma]

thank u

  Rockylove

Validation78

i really appreciate your reply

i am going to do alot research abt him... and... diffidently i 'll ask for professional help

i am just here for the support... and advices from u ppl who have been there

cos i still can't be sure if this is the right decision for me to stay

even thou i know i can't leave... cos i love him... but i am just tired... i am not sure of anything

[Rockylove]

I think everyone on this board knows that feeling of being tired.  It's not easy to deal with someone who takes so much effort on OUR part to be in a relationship with.  That is why taking care of yourself is so very important.  I know that when I'm exhausted (from work and life in general) it is much easier for me to slip into a bad frame of mind and his raging hits me right where I hurt.  It's difficult to believe that someone so loving can be so cruel and then act as though nothing happened.  It leaves me feeling emotionally and physically depleted.  My only defense is offense... .  taking care of myself. 

[soma]

That is why taking care of yourself is so very important.   

i'll take care for my self for sure

this is the advice everyone telling me here!

so i am gonna follow it... .  it doesn't seems wrong

it's just... I don't know... how i am going to make decision abt if i am going to stay or leave

i don't really know

sometimes i feel like leaving... then i tell my self... i should give him chance... and let's see how it will go

i am not sure of anything... cos i just thought abt the BPD as diagnosis of him lately... so this is all new to me!

[Rockylove]

It's very new to me as well, soma.  I was in such a funk after we moved into this house (which was to be our dream home) and all of the most horrible things I could imagine came out of his mouth!  I felt that I'd made a huge mistake and he was regretting his decision to buy this house... .  there was nothing I could do to shake the feeling of dread. 

I decided to stop by a thrift store on my way home one day (really because I was avoiding going home) and I always look at the books.  I saw one immediately entitled "Stop Walking On Eggshells".  Oddly enough, I'd just written an email (which I never sent) to him saying the very same thing!  I brought the book home and cried as I read it.  It seemed to make sense of the nonsense! 

You may decide that this isn't the relationship for you, but I truly believe that we are placed in people's lives for a reason... .  perhaps the reason you were put in his was to learn how to take care of yourself.  I do wish you well in that~~it's important whether you stay with him or not.

[soma]

Rockylove... .  thank u

you after reading what u say abt that we r in someone's else's life for reason

this is how i felt

i mean... he wasn't my type at all... .  yet when i first saw him i felt this huge attraction... i told my friends abt this guy... .  and they were so surprised how in the hell i feel for him... cos he was tottaly not my type and i liked him so much.he was my crush for few days before i decide to approach him cos he seemed shy to me... so we talked and we became friends... and from the first week we stay awake till 5 am talking... then go to work :d

it was magnificently crazy... but sweet... then he wanted more and he then... we fell in love... he otld me all abt his life... all stuff  he would never tell to anyone else... i guess i had ability in making ppl talk... " i have this need to be emotionally care taker for my friends and ppl who have been hurt emotionally... its just my nature and maybe that made him feel save at the begining"

so anyway before i get lost in my memories... everyone in my friends told me that its fate... cos i wouldn't never for him normally " cos he is not my type"... but i did and strongly... i am so in love

maybe i am there in his life to help him... matyybe its really our fate to meet and be in love... so i can help him thro it all... cos i met him in really critical time of his life... when he was feeling so depressed lonely and having no faith in ppl... .  i guess i have changed things abt it... littil bit at least... i hope so

[almost789]

Hi soma... .  yes that is a good thing to express his feelings that way. Some BPD people  cant express themselves that way. 

[Rockylove]

I know the feeling soma... .  but the reality is that my bf and I may have been slapped together for ME TO HEAL... .  not him!  I am very much as you are.  People love to come and tell me all their tales of woe.  I sit and listen and have developed the biggest shoulders as a result of people weighing on them.  I don't know how old you are, but I sense you are much younger than I am... .  age really does bring wisdom, but in my case, I'm always a day late and a dollar short.  My wisdom is only because I know better and get myself into awkward positions that I'd no business getting into in the 1st place.  We may not be here to save the world... .  but perhaps by gaining a better sense of self, we can have an impact on our little corner of it.

[soma]

Rockylove

thanks... i think we r the same in being big shoulder to others to cry on

i guess we never get a shoulder for our  tears to cry on

for me... it has been always  a NEED... i mean i really feel my life is bored and pointless if i don't get to be shoulder to someone's tears to cry on

it's like i want to help... i think its kinda getting pathological desire to be helper... emotionally!

but it gives me  magnificent satisfaction

is there disease... mental illness... that  ppl want to be like that?

[almost789]

Soma,

Interesting you ask this question about is there a disease for people who like to be caretakers?

I never saw it a bad thing to be a person who likes to care for others. I too am that way. It's just my nature. It is what brings me joy. I like to take care of myself of course, but so much more fulfilling to make another happy, is it not? There is a line though, if you find you cross that line where that you are willing to sacrifice your own needs to pacify others, that is a psychological disorder called co-dependancy. For instance someone who tolerates being a punching bag for someone else, someone who accepts emotional and physical abuse just to keep the peace, or so that is what they believe. Its all too common for people to claim that all of us on here are co-dependants, but thats simply not true. Not everyone who wants to help and may have encountered a pwBPD and had a relationship with them is a co-dependant. Just like not everyone who has some tendencies toward BPD or narcissim really have BPD or is a Narcissist. So there are shades of grey for sure.

What would the world be like if there were no caretakers? In my opinion, not a very good place. Because we are caretakers, does that always mean we have a mental problem? I don't think so.