Off to staying

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hey All,

Just thought I would let you guys know that I've been doing a lot of thinking and I'm off to staying.

Thanks for the support and advice from you guys. 

[cartman1]

Hey All,

Just thought I would let you guys know that I've been doing a lot of thinking and I'm off to staying.

Thanks for the support and advice from you guys. 

[Newton]

Cool  ... .  

What has changed your perspective on the relationship?... .  

[cartman1]

To be honest I came here then went to staying and started reading the infidelity stuff and just couldn't handle that stuff at the time. so I did the things on choosing a path like this 1,3,2,3,3,3,4,3 and a few more 3's . I've also been doing a lot of talking with my wife and she dropped a bombshell out the blue "I'm glad I didn't leave you last year now." She's told me how everything is my fault and reels loads off and now I don't get offended. I just let it go and then I have started saying things like "Okay, fair enough. But it takes two to argue, if I said I was prepared to accept 99% do you think you had a part in this?" and she sits and really deeply thinks, it's great to see this as she would never even consider it before but now she really sits there and thinks about it and I tell her things like "I don't want to blame anyone for anything anymore I just want us to be happy." We've talked loads, she's really opened up to me about her feelings and her past. I feel like we are getting somewhere, I'm guessing it could be a recycle though so I'm not getting over excited. If she pushes me away this time I will stay away. Until she asks me to come back, if she needs me then I will be there. I even told her if she wanted we could just be friends in case she felt a relationship was too much.

We have children together so no matter what happens we are linked. I just want to do whats right for me, her and our children and make us all happy.   

[Newton]

cartman I am really pleased for you 

It sounds like you are in a very positive place right now    I truly hope her opening up to you is genuine.

If you have read my previous posts you will see that I avoid commenting on family dynamics where children are involved... .  

I haven't had this experience and it feels inappropriate for me to offer input... .  

I wish you every success on the "staying" board... .  

"if she needs me then I will be there"... .  your words... .  that sentiment is concerning... .  



 

[cartman1]

I know it does sound worrying but this is how I see it. She is the mother of my children and although now I feel like I could happily go NC as I've found that strength I've seen what it does to her. I've never seen anybody go so far into a depression before. I couldn't do that to her while my children are growing up. I understand about the co-dependency on my behalf, this is something I can see, have been working on and I'm making decision logically rather than based on these emotions. I know that Fog keeps co-dependency in full swing but I see that If I choose to be co-dependent. Then I'll never have a life of my own. For me it's time to start re-establishing boundaries. Time to get my hands back on the wheel.

Newton any advice, no matter how blunt is welcome. If you read anything and feel it wrong I would appreciate your opinion.

[an0ught]

To be honest I came here then went to staying and started reading the infidelity stuff and just couldn't handle that stuff at the time. so I did the things on choosing a path like this 1,3,2,3,3,3,4,3 and a few more 3's .

It is all too common. Stuck in deciding is a painful phase. As if it is a deciding problem. A part is of course a deciding problem but a much bigger part is the living and doing "problem". Doing vs thinking allows us to learn and get feedback from the reality instead of our self-talk. Even if we walk in the wrong direction we may be ultimately better off as we have a basis for making decisions and commitments eventually that are based on reality.

I have started saying things like "Okay, fair enough. But it takes two to argue, if I said I was prepared to accept 99% do you think you had a part in this?"

good stuff. This is really validating her feeling that you are to blame and that allows her to deal with her part then. 99% is really taking the punch-ball away from her forcing her to deal with the other "1%".

Then I'll never have a life of my own. For me it's time to start re-establishing boundaries. Time to get my hands back on the wheel.

Communicating with her is fine, just don't try to fix her. That is her problem. Boundaries are essential.

[cartman1]

If I'm honest I came here to fix her. I came her looking for answers to her problem, the best way I could explain this is what I said to my T. " It's like when the astronoughts went the moon and came back saying 'we went to find the moon but what we found was the Earth.' Thats how I feel, I came here looking for answers for her then I started answering questions about me and I found myself. I felt I needed a name and a cure, names don't matter to me and I don't want to fix her, I just want to show she has a choice, nothing more.

The way I talk to her has changed. I said the other day " I've had this tunnel vision for a long time. I couldn't work out how I was loosing my best friend. Then I noticed our relationship was falling apart." Then she said "Yeah, who's fault is that?" And I replied " I don't feel the need to blame anymore I just think I was looking for something in our relationship that wasn't there. It was in the past and I've found it." Then she started telling me all the things I've done wrong and then I gave the 99% sentence.

[cartman1]

Okay, I am going to start a thread on the staying board which I think is linked to what I've be discussing here. Please feel free to and some input!

[cartman1]

Hey Newton, just wanted to pop back and say I was worried that my post yesterday came across wrong? From reading your post I got the impression that you where a little concerned by my post. I was hoping that you would be able to give me some advice so I could take it on board for some more self improvement .

Not sure if it came across wrong, just thought I'd pop back and make sure and say thanks for the posts you have made to me!

[Newton]

Not at all my friend 

My concern was simply a hope (and a cautionary reminder that was, with hindsight, perhaps a little too blunt   )... .  that you stay focused on this determination for self improvement... .  as opposed to losing yourself in her needs... .  at first that can seem such an alien concept to us care-giving types... .  it can feel selfish and wrong! 

In fact your post yesterday explained really neatly your, and my journey here.  I too came to bpdfamily.com looking for answers FOR my ex, to fix her and shape her into what I wanted from a partner... .  I was doing all the reading FOR her... .  learning SET, DEARMAN, PUVAS... .  FOR her! 

It took time to realise that this was totally unhealthy in itself... .  so now these fantastic communication tools and the concepts of radical acceptance and stronger boundaries are helping me daily in so many more ways than I could have imagined when I first joined... .   

This place gives a wonderful gift... .  the ability to find a truer sense of ourselves.  As a result of that some of our relationships will fail, some will strengthen... .  but we, as individuals,  will keep improving 

I wish you every success on the staying board and will be checking in regularly 

[cartman1]

Isn't it amazing how when we first get here it fascinates us how borderlines are so similar and then we start the journey and then the non's do too! Newton you are for me one of the reasons these boards exists and I suppose I'm another reason now I have the experience to show our members that there is a path that leads in many different directions but ultimately it will eventually lead to inner peace.

[Newton]

Thank you for your kind words... .  

It's very true... .  often it's a startling revelation to us that our behaviour can be rather dysfunctional too... .  BPD acting out/acting in can be truly shocking... .  that can sometimes hold us back from shining the spotlight on ourselves... .