An "ah ha" moment?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Perhaps this is a stupid question or a fruitless pursuit, but were any of you non-BPDs able to drop a book in your partner's hands that they read and the light bulb came on? Or any of you BPD's read something you stumbled across and realized you were hurting the ones that love you. I know this is a long shot and counter to what most are saying here, but I have to try. I'm sure if there was a silver bullet out there we would all be reaching for it. But just wondering if anyone has been successful in leading their partner to help. GULP... .   

[spratrbo]

Perhaps this is a stupid question or a fruitless pursuit, but were any of you non-BPDs able to drop a book in your partner's hands that they read and the light bulb came on? Or any of you BPD's read something you stumbled across and realized you were hurting the ones that love you. I know this is a long shot and counter to what most are saying here, but I have to try. I'm sure if there was a silver bullet out there we would all be reaching for it. But just wondering if anyone has been successful in leading their partner to help. GULP... .   

[OTH]

I've read many people's stories here. By an overwhelming margin this is the worst thing you can do. You are telling someone with a great deal of emotional sensitivity that they have a mental disorder. How would you respong to being told that? Imagine if you had her sensitivity and being told that. It doesn't go well. I know for sure it didn't go well with my r/s.  

There is a reason for this.

https://bpdfamily.com/book_review/index.htm

Near the bottom is a book called "I'm not Sick I don't need help". It discusses how patients with frontal lobe dysfuction (whether by injury or mental disorder) have difficulty with insite into their condition. The book offers ways to improve communication and what you can do to help push them in a direction to seeking help themselves. This is not an easy process though. The patient has to be open to the idea first and actually seek the help themselves. There is also a presentation the author gives on the book. You can google it and watch.

People with BPD aren't just being stubborn. Their brain really does work differently. This is why it is so hard to change. They need therapy to help them learn knew ways of thinking and responding to difficult situations.

www.psychcentral.com/news/2009/09/04/brain-scans-clarify-borderline-personality-disorder/8184.html

[ExTreme]

I came across an old book just now and want to share the segue moment-

A LIGHT IN THE ATTIC

There's a light on in the attic.

Though the house is dark and shuttered.

I can see a flickerin' flutter.

And I know what it's about.

There's a light on in the attic.

I can see it from the outside.

And I know your're on the inside... .  lookin' out.

-Shel Silverstein

[Validation78]

Hi spratrbo!

I thought my pwBPD had an ah ha moment a couple of years ago when I mentioned my desire for us to seek DBT. He agreed and then decided to Google it. Well, we know what that leads to, and he asked me if I thought he had BPD, since he read about it, and it sounded like him. I told him I didn't know but was open to exploring it with him. He immediately got defensive, and didn't want to discuss it any further, and we haven't. I have to say, I don't know how I would respond to being told I had a mental illness either, so I don't hold it against him. It just lends to my awareness that he does have a problem that requires specialized help, and my necessity to communicate with him differently than I do others.

Best Wishes,

Val78

[red pill]

I have had two experiences of being told I am a bit nutty, and one experience of working it out for myself and being OK with that as something I could work with. My BPD or BPDtraits wife - forget it.

1. Irritable bowel syndrome many years ago - doctor told me I was a bit nutty and I was not dying and I should just forget about it - That was cool I was happy with that. (he turned out to be wrong- I was allergic to something - but the point is I was happy to accept a diagnosis of nutty)

2. Depression / anxiety -> antidepressants. I was fine with that

3. Working out for myself a decade later that it was my wife's behavior and my enabling responses and denial that were the real problem, and that if I could start looking after myself rather than spending 100% of my efforts trying to placate the unplacatable I would feel a lot better. I am nutty and I need to fix myself. That's OK.

--

My wife seems to be a waif type BPD, with the witch only emerging when the waif is challenged. She takes no responsibility in counseling with me for any of the problems. I have admitted readily to her that I have some problems that I want to fix.

When I have tried to raise the issue of her having some problems that need to be fixed it becomes extremely difficult and goes nowhere.

--

It seems to me that if you have no or only mild nuttiness you can be quite open to the idea. Her personality type requires everything to be someone else's fault, even requires her to pretend that she is perfect.

I've hidden all the books about BPD at work, and my therapist is highly supportive of this. No self help books for her. It feels wrong though. I want to just tell her so she can fix it.

I do hint though. - Our marriage counselor asked what I thought was going on for her when she last interrogated me about fidelity - I said I thought she was making a frantic effort to avoid an imagined abandonment (!) I'm not sure if that was a good idea.

[spratrbo]

Well thanks to some of the people on this board for suggesting I pick up "understanding the Borderline Mother" for my daughter. Thumbing through it it hits home big time.  I am in the middle of a divorce with this and unfortunately because my wife is so afraid of my daughter turning 18 as she's ready to bolt NOW, it has gotten to the point of "abuse". I am hoping this book in her hands will bring a little comfort. However... .  I may have to force a psych eval and blow this whole thing up so at least the court can maybe protect my daughter. Praying... .